Log; Bye bye sensei
Who: Saeki & Ryoga
When: Day after Valentines day, after English class
Where: Ryoga's classroom
What: Sad sensations of growing apart and relieaved guilty feelings.
Comments: If you please~
The school was an extra warm place. The kind of warm which made the cold outside even colder when one exited the school building. Saeki thought about this when he watched the other students leave the English class after the bell rang. The outside looked cold, but there was light there. The kind of light which made the electric light indoors dim in comparison. To the boy's sleepy eyes the outside was mesmerising. He didn't hurry to leave the room, just remained there, slumped on his desk and staring outside the windows from the safe cradle his arms made. They were a good pillow, warm and.... warm.
"...Saeki-kun?" Ryoga raised his eyebrows as he looked at his student. "Were you planning to leave at all?"
Blinking slowly - the natural light had burned shadow images into his retinas, gosh he hated that - Saeki turned his head so it was the other cheek now, that laid on his arms. "Will you throw me out if I say no, sensei?"
"By the time I leave the classroom, yes, I'm afraid so." Ryoga raised his eyebrows. "Is everything all right?"
This time Saeki lifted his head to peer at Ryoga. He rubbed his eyes and... there was a wall. Not the kind of wall he could see or feel with his hands. He had just thought of telling the sensei to just stay in the room then, but it seemed useless. Same as all the flirting he'd done for a while. So, had they anything between them anymore? Saeki hadn't thought much about it lately, but now, just woken, he saw things that didn't please him at all. "No. Yes. I dunno. You tell me."
"What's there for me to tell?" Ryoga frowned. He really didn't understand, now.
"Nothing I guess..." Saeki yawned and pulled himself together then, straightening his back and shaking his head to rid himself of the last remnants of his pleasant dream. "I don't think....we were together in the first place. So there's no need to break up either right? It's like, you're not interested anymore." Who would've thought there would come a day when he'd miss being called an angel, heh. He pushed his ebony hair back from in front of his sharp green eyes.
"...It's not about if I'm interested, though." Ryoga shook his head. "It's about you. Even back in the beginning, I made the decision it should be about you, and what you want. And judging by how you act..." He smiled faintly. "It's been a long time since you were interested."
Saeki sighed and propped his head on his hands again. "I....guess. My heads been so full of stuff I haven't had much chance to stop and think." Not that he'd tried. He'd been scared that if he stopped he'd see he was running to an entirely wrong direction. and he had, hadn't he. The Saeki now was an impatient, impulsive, insensitive jerk. And it had started with Ryoga too. "Ne, sensei..." His eyes burned peculiarly. Like they were about to tear up. "I'm sorry."
Ryoga blinked. Saeki sounded... strange. "Sorry for what?" he asked softly.
"For being like this for one", the boy tried laughing it off, but ended up hiding under his dark hair. "For...making it feel like I was using you." He had been doing that, hadn't he? And yet, seeing where they'd ended up, without anything there.... Saeki felt lonely. He couldn't talk to Syuusuke, and now sensei was leaving him as well - had left him already. And things with Kite were strained at best after Saeki's angry outburst before and... "I never meant it to be like this."
"You know... in life, things rarely go exactly like you plan them." Ryoga shook his head. "I should know. I've done many things in my life that turned out completely differently than I thought they would. Really stupid things, too." He stood up from his desk, walking to Saeki. "But the thing with life is... it goes on. You can't change what's gone, you can only try to change what's going to happen, still." He reached out a hand to ruffle the boy's hair. "...And realizing you've gone wrong is the first step towards the right road."
Such a tender gesture, and Saeki wanted to bawl his eyes out on his sensei's strong chest. At least once more. Without intending it, he compared the way Ryoga ruffled his hair to when Kite did it, and wondered how the same gesture could feel so different from two different people. "Everything's such a fucking mess..." he confessed ruefully. "And of all things, I'm the worst mess. I feel like I can't do this alone, but....I really have no one to turn to. There's always something I should take into consideration and I....just can't do it. I'm really the worst." It started with his eyes watering up, and then a tear escaped his lower lashes, and then the rest just followed. Yet he ended up burying his face into his arms instead of the chest he wanted to lean against.
"...Oi. Angel." It had been such a long time since he'd said that, hadn't it? Yet Ryoga couldn't care now that he crouched down next to Saeki's desk, reaching his arm around the boy's shoulders. "...Anything you'd like to talk about?"
The arms around him was warm and the weight was comforting. It was just what Saeki needed right now, even if in any other situation, from anyone else, any other time he would've felt like the gesture was weighting him down, and burning him. He needed to get it out, to say everything he knew he'd regret saying later. But Ryoga already knew so much about him. what was the harm in giving the man more leverage to be used against him later? Besides, the sensei wasn't the kind of man who would do that. Ryoga was.....warm and kind. Softie. Saeki looked up, even if he could do nothing to stop the fucking waterworks. "....you have time? I don't think I can make it short."
"Hey... even if I didn't, I'd make time." It was... strange, wasn't it. He'd spent a lot of time with Saeki in the past, certainly more than with any of his students aside from his brother and perhaps Dan by extension. Now they hadn't seen each other outside class for a long time, and really, he had figured it was for the best. He'd thought that maybe, with enough distance, he could see Saeki as just another student instead of... whatever it was Saeki had been to him.
It had worked. Saeki was just like any student. And just like for any student... he'd listen.
"I'm....jammed", Saeki chose his word carefully. "I tried so hard to move ahead, to change the me I didn't like because everything around me was changing too. I took to following any impulses I got, and rushed forward. And suddenly..." He paused, not sure how to say it. he wondered back to his nightmare the night before. It had been a regular nightmare, not one of those acid ones, which made him a panicked wreck. "I realized I was too far a head. And everything was behind me, and there was nothing ahead. Everyone else... everyone else had gone to another direction. So I tried cutting back, wondering if I could take a shortcut to reach them and I got like this. I wanna go back but I can't erase what's happened and what I've done. I really really hate myself right now." The last sentence was a bit desperate.
"We all feel like that sometimes, you know." Ryoga hoped he sounded convincing enough. "I'm sure things aren't as bad as you think... and that you aren't worth of your own hatred." He squeezed Saeki's shoulder. "If there's something about yourself you don't like, angel... change it. Because you're the only one who can. But remember -- start with small steps. It's much easier that way."
"I can't!" Saeki turned suddenly, knocking over the chair he'd been sitting on, and threw himself into the man's....arms probably wasn't the right proverb, but he clutched Ryoga's shirt and some more violent sobs raked through his body. "I thought....I thought it would be okay. If I changed my hair and threw away the Stupid feelings but they didn't go away! And he's the same as before and he's marrying Keigo and gosh my chest hurts...!"
Ryoga reached his arms around Saeki, holding the crying boy close. "...Wait... marrying Keigo?" he echoed. Then, very softly, he asked, "Saeki... are you in love with your brother's fiancé?" Well. Talk about trouble.
"What else should I feel? I was so close, so close letting go of the ugly black thing I have for a heart, and then...." Saeki's voice turned into a strangled whisper. "He gave me chocolates. And they weren't pity chocolates, he said so. And I....believed for a second... But no, of course not. Keigo got him first. It's just fair and square to let them be right? And I will! I am! But it doesn't stop Hurting- Do you know he got so angry when I told him to stop bugging into my business...? I thought he'd throw me out of the room and I wish he had, because where's the justice in putting me into that room in the first place! As if someone knew they could burn me to death by...doing...that."
"Oh... poor angel." Ryoga sighed. "You know, I know it hurts... but you're right. You said it yourself... Atobe-kun got him first. And even if it hurts... you're doing the right thing not getting between them." He shook his head. "But even then... don't you think it might be better to tell him? Maybe then it'd be easier to let go. If you keep stewing like this... you'll just end up hating your brother."
"Telling him", Saeki repeated. "I don't have any right to do that! I can't make him think he's hurting me, and Keigo too, I don't think he likes me very much but at least I'm not in his hate-list....but if he ever found out, that's where I'd be." The tears which quelled for a second started up again. "That's the only place I still am. Because.....no one needs me, sensei. No one I need to need me needs me. Except Syuu and what he needs from me is to stop needing him, but I do. I freaking need him like water and I can't tell him anything's wrong, cuz he already worries too much, cuz I told him too much..."
"Look, angel... I think the one who worries too much is yourself." Ryoga shook his head. "I'm sure they wouldn't hate you... after all, it's not like you've made any moves on Kite-kun, is it? And you know... in my experience, most people want to be needed. But just the same, all people need someone. If you feel like you're too distant from your friends... well, I hate to say this, but maybe it's because you've made yourself too distant."
"I....made a move on him", Saeki mumbled. He hated it when people rubbed his face in the mistakes he knew were his. His temper rose, but got drowned under the flood of everything he'd suppressed for the longest time. "I know I know.... It's all me... but I can't take it when they slam the door in my face when I try and be useful.... So I just alienate myself from everyone and think maybe Marui was my fucking soul bro and I should've kept going to the house with him instead of letting Kite get me to rehab- and I hate everyone and I hate myself from hating everyone..."
"...Rehab?" Ryoga echoed. "Look, angel... exactly what have you been up to?"
The sobs seemed to die out again. Saeki took a deep breath, wondering if he'd made a mistake just now. But leaving things unexplained had never done any good to him. he stayed there, leaning against his rock of support and took another deep breathe, making sure his voice didn't came out okay, even if it was a bit rough from crying. "Stuff... Impulsive stuff. I went to this club, and then, ex and after that some other stuff in this house I went to. Kite found out. He made me stop. I was real sick for a while."
Ryoga froze momentarily. "...You know... I've rarely been this tempted to smack someone." Not that he would. But it certainly crossed his mind.
"Please do", Saeki murmured, though he tensed a bit. No one really liked being hurt after all. "It's stupid anyway. The worst thing is, I didn't really wanna stop. just that, what happened to Syuu sort of made me think that maybe he has enough on his plate already without having to worry about what's on my plate. And....yeah, Kite smacked me around a bit."
"It's damn right he did," Ryoga murmured. "Angel... drugs are just about the ultimate idiocy. I don't care if it's 'only' ecstacy. I'd have never imagined someone as smart as you would do something that plain idiotic."
"Just hit me for it already", Saeki sighed. "I know it maybe wasn't smart, but it wasn't like anyone had a better idea at the time... And it was like a downhill race to heaven, or whatever. It felt good. That why...." He let go of the shirt slowly. His clutch had got stuck, sort of. "I'm sorry. But I don't feel guilty about it. It's in the past, I can't change it."
"I'm not going to hit you," Ryoga sighed, squeezing Saeki closer in a hug. "That was idiotic... so what I need to know is... you're not doing it anymore, are you?"
"Nah", Saeki murmured, feeling like a kid in the man's arms. Maybe he was. "It's gone. I don't feel like it anymore. After all the trouble I went through to get rid of them." He was warm and felt kind of...safe right then. Relaxing again - the blow wasn't coming - he leaned his cheek on the wet shirt. it was a little icky, but he didn't feel like moving either. "I'm nothing, you know, so don't be all worried. My thoughts are a jumble of nothing and I've lost my best friends too, because I'm a selfish prick."
"I'm sure you haven't lost your friends," Ryoga murmured. "You may think so, but you know... friends aren't really that easy to get rid of."
Saeki was quiet for a while, considering the man's words. Then he looked up a bit shyly. no, definitely shyly. "What about you...?" he asked in a small voice. "Are you still my friend? Or are you just a sensei?"
"I don't know," Ryoga said. "It's been ages since I've seen you outside class. What am I?"
Saeki looked down again. Shit, would this be another one of those times when he saw a door a little bit open, only to have it slam on his face again? But....this wasn't just about him anymore was it? If he continued to think that way, he'd never be able to change who he was. "What do you wanna be?"
"Judging by your behaviour lately, it's more about what you want... or don't want."
"I know what I want", Saeki murmured. "But it's what you want that I need to know."
Ryoga paused at that. As he finally spoke, it was very slowly. "Perhaps... it would be better for both of us if I were your sensei," he said. "Because... I really don't believe I am what you need for a friend."
The boy should've expected it, he knew, but it didn't stop it from hurting. It was like a mile stone, "Pass this point there's nothing". This was it, the last sweet moment, and Saeki couldn't even bring himself to kiss the man. It wouldn't have felt right, after the man said he didn't want to be that close to him anymore. Using and being used… Had something warped him too much so he could never return to the optimistic kid he'd been in junior high? The kid who ran to a tennis camp to be with his best friend, and found out way more about life than he should've, or had ever wanted to know. What was left was bitterness and the empty hollow feeling his tears had left behind. "Okay", he said, sighing and relaxing again. "Just gimme a moment, sensei."
"However long you need." Ryoga felt bad, of course, but at the same time he knew this was for the best for both of them. Saeki was the one who had pushed him away, so obviously this was what Saeki wanted, too, however subconsciously.
"Think I'll ever be able to love again?" Saeki joked strangledly - he had to. If one could joke about it, it wasn't bad enough to die over. Simple life truth, the one which had carved into his mind deeper than any other. He didn't even remember who had told him that. Probably some man in the neighbourhood. Hopefully not the man who'd hurt Syuusuke though. "Seriously tho. I need to get over Kite. Can't keep pining over a married man." Another truth. if it's hard to talk about it, talk about something else.
"You do." Ryoga nodded. "If you keep wishing for him, it'll just poison your relationship with both him and your brother."
"...Yeah." Wishing for Kite, Saeki wanted to laugh. It came out a bitter little chuckle. Guess that meant about giving up waiting for that kiss that was never going to come, and just....get on with his life. "Can't do it for myself, so at least for them. And for Syuu's peace of mind." He wasn't about to burst into tears again and, even if he wanted to stay like this for a bit longer, he'd said he only needed a moment more. The boy pushed himself up from the floor and sighed, feeling cold now, without the man's warmth there. "I remember when I first got interested in him, other than hated him. We were sparring for the first time and he caught me into the most painful headlock I've ever been in and I thought it was the hottest thing ever. But it's too dangerous, ne? Thinking that it's okay if this one person wants to kill me......I don't think that anymore."
"...Yes. It's better not to think that." Ryoga shook his head. Sometimes, this kid almost scared him with the way he thought.
"Haha, anyway", Saeki pushed his hand through his hair. He liked doing it - it probably had something, or everything, to do with the way just dyed hair felt. Then again, his hair wasn't just dyed anymore. If he decided to keep the black, he'd never feel that again. Sad, really. "Thanks for listening. You didn't have to. Saying these things to anyone else would just hurt them, but since you have nothing to do with them....I'm glad. And I don't bother you again."
"Angel... I'm still your sensei, you know," Ryoga said. "I will always listen."
Saeki took a step away from the man and smiled distractedly. "No, no, it's okay. It's better if you don't get involved with your students' private lives." He tilted his head and felt pathetic. "I'm kinda building up strength to go to the door now. Dunno why it's suddenly so hard. I do it everyday."
"...Saeki-kun." Ryoga shook his head. "You sure you'll be all right?"
"Yeah?" Probably, maybe, perhaps. Or not. He kicked himself mentally, and then did it again when it seemed to have no effect. "I'm stronger than I look, and I look strong. The door just keeps getting further away."
A sad little smile twitched Ryoga's lips. "...Need me to walk you there?"
Saeki smiled too, though stronger and not so sad. He was still a bit dazed an he knew Ryoga liked his smile. "Would you? That would be soooo kind of you, sensei."
"But certainly." Ryoga stepped closer and offered his arm. "If you would?"
Saeki slipped his hand on the offered arm, remembering to keep smiling. "Thank you so much, sir."
"It's my pleasure." Maybe, if Saeki kept smiling, if Ryoga kept smiling, maybe they'd both actually feel like smiling sooner or later.
When: Day after Valentines day, after English class
Where: Ryoga's classroom
What: Sad sensations of growing apart and relieaved guilty feelings.
Comments: If you please~
The school was an extra warm place. The kind of warm which made the cold outside even colder when one exited the school building. Saeki thought about this when he watched the other students leave the English class after the bell rang. The outside looked cold, but there was light there. The kind of light which made the electric light indoors dim in comparison. To the boy's sleepy eyes the outside was mesmerising. He didn't hurry to leave the room, just remained there, slumped on his desk and staring outside the windows from the safe cradle his arms made. They were a good pillow, warm and.... warm.
"...Saeki-kun?" Ryoga raised his eyebrows as he looked at his student. "Were you planning to leave at all?"
Blinking slowly - the natural light had burned shadow images into his retinas, gosh he hated that - Saeki turned his head so it was the other cheek now, that laid on his arms. "Will you throw me out if I say no, sensei?"
"By the time I leave the classroom, yes, I'm afraid so." Ryoga raised his eyebrows. "Is everything all right?"
This time Saeki lifted his head to peer at Ryoga. He rubbed his eyes and... there was a wall. Not the kind of wall he could see or feel with his hands. He had just thought of telling the sensei to just stay in the room then, but it seemed useless. Same as all the flirting he'd done for a while. So, had they anything between them anymore? Saeki hadn't thought much about it lately, but now, just woken, he saw things that didn't please him at all. "No. Yes. I dunno. You tell me."
"What's there for me to tell?" Ryoga frowned. He really didn't understand, now.
"Nothing I guess..." Saeki yawned and pulled himself together then, straightening his back and shaking his head to rid himself of the last remnants of his pleasant dream. "I don't think....we were together in the first place. So there's no need to break up either right? It's like, you're not interested anymore." Who would've thought there would come a day when he'd miss being called an angel, heh. He pushed his ebony hair back from in front of his sharp green eyes.
"...It's not about if I'm interested, though." Ryoga shook his head. "It's about you. Even back in the beginning, I made the decision it should be about you, and what you want. And judging by how you act..." He smiled faintly. "It's been a long time since you were interested."
Saeki sighed and propped his head on his hands again. "I....guess. My heads been so full of stuff I haven't had much chance to stop and think." Not that he'd tried. He'd been scared that if he stopped he'd see he was running to an entirely wrong direction. and he had, hadn't he. The Saeki now was an impatient, impulsive, insensitive jerk. And it had started with Ryoga too. "Ne, sensei..." His eyes burned peculiarly. Like they were about to tear up. "I'm sorry."
Ryoga blinked. Saeki sounded... strange. "Sorry for what?" he asked softly.
"For being like this for one", the boy tried laughing it off, but ended up hiding under his dark hair. "For...making it feel like I was using you." He had been doing that, hadn't he? And yet, seeing where they'd ended up, without anything there.... Saeki felt lonely. He couldn't talk to Syuusuke, and now sensei was leaving him as well - had left him already. And things with Kite were strained at best after Saeki's angry outburst before and... "I never meant it to be like this."
"You know... in life, things rarely go exactly like you plan them." Ryoga shook his head. "I should know. I've done many things in my life that turned out completely differently than I thought they would. Really stupid things, too." He stood up from his desk, walking to Saeki. "But the thing with life is... it goes on. You can't change what's gone, you can only try to change what's going to happen, still." He reached out a hand to ruffle the boy's hair. "...And realizing you've gone wrong is the first step towards the right road."
Such a tender gesture, and Saeki wanted to bawl his eyes out on his sensei's strong chest. At least once more. Without intending it, he compared the way Ryoga ruffled his hair to when Kite did it, and wondered how the same gesture could feel so different from two different people. "Everything's such a fucking mess..." he confessed ruefully. "And of all things, I'm the worst mess. I feel like I can't do this alone, but....I really have no one to turn to. There's always something I should take into consideration and I....just can't do it. I'm really the worst." It started with his eyes watering up, and then a tear escaped his lower lashes, and then the rest just followed. Yet he ended up burying his face into his arms instead of the chest he wanted to lean against.
"...Oi. Angel." It had been such a long time since he'd said that, hadn't it? Yet Ryoga couldn't care now that he crouched down next to Saeki's desk, reaching his arm around the boy's shoulders. "...Anything you'd like to talk about?"
The arms around him was warm and the weight was comforting. It was just what Saeki needed right now, even if in any other situation, from anyone else, any other time he would've felt like the gesture was weighting him down, and burning him. He needed to get it out, to say everything he knew he'd regret saying later. But Ryoga already knew so much about him. what was the harm in giving the man more leverage to be used against him later? Besides, the sensei wasn't the kind of man who would do that. Ryoga was.....warm and kind. Softie. Saeki looked up, even if he could do nothing to stop the fucking waterworks. "....you have time? I don't think I can make it short."
"Hey... even if I didn't, I'd make time." It was... strange, wasn't it. He'd spent a lot of time with Saeki in the past, certainly more than with any of his students aside from his brother and perhaps Dan by extension. Now they hadn't seen each other outside class for a long time, and really, he had figured it was for the best. He'd thought that maybe, with enough distance, he could see Saeki as just another student instead of... whatever it was Saeki had been to him.
It had worked. Saeki was just like any student. And just like for any student... he'd listen.
"I'm....jammed", Saeki chose his word carefully. "I tried so hard to move ahead, to change the me I didn't like because everything around me was changing too. I took to following any impulses I got, and rushed forward. And suddenly..." He paused, not sure how to say it. he wondered back to his nightmare the night before. It had been a regular nightmare, not one of those acid ones, which made him a panicked wreck. "I realized I was too far a head. And everything was behind me, and there was nothing ahead. Everyone else... everyone else had gone to another direction. So I tried cutting back, wondering if I could take a shortcut to reach them and I got like this. I wanna go back but I can't erase what's happened and what I've done. I really really hate myself right now." The last sentence was a bit desperate.
"We all feel like that sometimes, you know." Ryoga hoped he sounded convincing enough. "I'm sure things aren't as bad as you think... and that you aren't worth of your own hatred." He squeezed Saeki's shoulder. "If there's something about yourself you don't like, angel... change it. Because you're the only one who can. But remember -- start with small steps. It's much easier that way."
"I can't!" Saeki turned suddenly, knocking over the chair he'd been sitting on, and threw himself into the man's....arms probably wasn't the right proverb, but he clutched Ryoga's shirt and some more violent sobs raked through his body. "I thought....I thought it would be okay. If I changed my hair and threw away the Stupid feelings but they didn't go away! And he's the same as before and he's marrying Keigo and gosh my chest hurts...!"
Ryoga reached his arms around Saeki, holding the crying boy close. "...Wait... marrying Keigo?" he echoed. Then, very softly, he asked, "Saeki... are you in love with your brother's fiancé?" Well. Talk about trouble.
"What else should I feel? I was so close, so close letting go of the ugly black thing I have for a heart, and then...." Saeki's voice turned into a strangled whisper. "He gave me chocolates. And they weren't pity chocolates, he said so. And I....believed for a second... But no, of course not. Keigo got him first. It's just fair and square to let them be right? And I will! I am! But it doesn't stop Hurting- Do you know he got so angry when I told him to stop bugging into my business...? I thought he'd throw me out of the room and I wish he had, because where's the justice in putting me into that room in the first place! As if someone knew they could burn me to death by...doing...that."
"Oh... poor angel." Ryoga sighed. "You know, I know it hurts... but you're right. You said it yourself... Atobe-kun got him first. And even if it hurts... you're doing the right thing not getting between them." He shook his head. "But even then... don't you think it might be better to tell him? Maybe then it'd be easier to let go. If you keep stewing like this... you'll just end up hating your brother."
"Telling him", Saeki repeated. "I don't have any right to do that! I can't make him think he's hurting me, and Keigo too, I don't think he likes me very much but at least I'm not in his hate-list....but if he ever found out, that's where I'd be." The tears which quelled for a second started up again. "That's the only place I still am. Because.....no one needs me, sensei. No one I need to need me needs me. Except Syuu and what he needs from me is to stop needing him, but I do. I freaking need him like water and I can't tell him anything's wrong, cuz he already worries too much, cuz I told him too much..."
"Look, angel... I think the one who worries too much is yourself." Ryoga shook his head. "I'm sure they wouldn't hate you... after all, it's not like you've made any moves on Kite-kun, is it? And you know... in my experience, most people want to be needed. But just the same, all people need someone. If you feel like you're too distant from your friends... well, I hate to say this, but maybe it's because you've made yourself too distant."
"I....made a move on him", Saeki mumbled. He hated it when people rubbed his face in the mistakes he knew were his. His temper rose, but got drowned under the flood of everything he'd suppressed for the longest time. "I know I know.... It's all me... but I can't take it when they slam the door in my face when I try and be useful.... So I just alienate myself from everyone and think maybe Marui was my fucking soul bro and I should've kept going to the house with him instead of letting Kite get me to rehab- and I hate everyone and I hate myself from hating everyone..."
"...Rehab?" Ryoga echoed. "Look, angel... exactly what have you been up to?"
The sobs seemed to die out again. Saeki took a deep breath, wondering if he'd made a mistake just now. But leaving things unexplained had never done any good to him. he stayed there, leaning against his rock of support and took another deep breathe, making sure his voice didn't came out okay, even if it was a bit rough from crying. "Stuff... Impulsive stuff. I went to this club, and then, ex and after that some other stuff in this house I went to. Kite found out. He made me stop. I was real sick for a while."
Ryoga froze momentarily. "...You know... I've rarely been this tempted to smack someone." Not that he would. But it certainly crossed his mind.
"Please do", Saeki murmured, though he tensed a bit. No one really liked being hurt after all. "It's stupid anyway. The worst thing is, I didn't really wanna stop. just that, what happened to Syuu sort of made me think that maybe he has enough on his plate already without having to worry about what's on my plate. And....yeah, Kite smacked me around a bit."
"It's damn right he did," Ryoga murmured. "Angel... drugs are just about the ultimate idiocy. I don't care if it's 'only' ecstacy. I'd have never imagined someone as smart as you would do something that plain idiotic."
"Just hit me for it already", Saeki sighed. "I know it maybe wasn't smart, but it wasn't like anyone had a better idea at the time... And it was like a downhill race to heaven, or whatever. It felt good. That why...." He let go of the shirt slowly. His clutch had got stuck, sort of. "I'm sorry. But I don't feel guilty about it. It's in the past, I can't change it."
"I'm not going to hit you," Ryoga sighed, squeezing Saeki closer in a hug. "That was idiotic... so what I need to know is... you're not doing it anymore, are you?"
"Nah", Saeki murmured, feeling like a kid in the man's arms. Maybe he was. "It's gone. I don't feel like it anymore. After all the trouble I went through to get rid of them." He was warm and felt kind of...safe right then. Relaxing again - the blow wasn't coming - he leaned his cheek on the wet shirt. it was a little icky, but he didn't feel like moving either. "I'm nothing, you know, so don't be all worried. My thoughts are a jumble of nothing and I've lost my best friends too, because I'm a selfish prick."
"I'm sure you haven't lost your friends," Ryoga murmured. "You may think so, but you know... friends aren't really that easy to get rid of."
Saeki was quiet for a while, considering the man's words. Then he looked up a bit shyly. no, definitely shyly. "What about you...?" he asked in a small voice. "Are you still my friend? Or are you just a sensei?"
"I don't know," Ryoga said. "It's been ages since I've seen you outside class. What am I?"
Saeki looked down again. Shit, would this be another one of those times when he saw a door a little bit open, only to have it slam on his face again? But....this wasn't just about him anymore was it? If he continued to think that way, he'd never be able to change who he was. "What do you wanna be?"
"Judging by your behaviour lately, it's more about what you want... or don't want."
"I know what I want", Saeki murmured. "But it's what you want that I need to know."
Ryoga paused at that. As he finally spoke, it was very slowly. "Perhaps... it would be better for both of us if I were your sensei," he said. "Because... I really don't believe I am what you need for a friend."
The boy should've expected it, he knew, but it didn't stop it from hurting. It was like a mile stone, "Pass this point there's nothing". This was it, the last sweet moment, and Saeki couldn't even bring himself to kiss the man. It wouldn't have felt right, after the man said he didn't want to be that close to him anymore. Using and being used… Had something warped him too much so he could never return to the optimistic kid he'd been in junior high? The kid who ran to a tennis camp to be with his best friend, and found out way more about life than he should've, or had ever wanted to know. What was left was bitterness and the empty hollow feeling his tears had left behind. "Okay", he said, sighing and relaxing again. "Just gimme a moment, sensei."
"However long you need." Ryoga felt bad, of course, but at the same time he knew this was for the best for both of them. Saeki was the one who had pushed him away, so obviously this was what Saeki wanted, too, however subconsciously.
"Think I'll ever be able to love again?" Saeki joked strangledly - he had to. If one could joke about it, it wasn't bad enough to die over. Simple life truth, the one which had carved into his mind deeper than any other. He didn't even remember who had told him that. Probably some man in the neighbourhood. Hopefully not the man who'd hurt Syuusuke though. "Seriously tho. I need to get over Kite. Can't keep pining over a married man." Another truth. if it's hard to talk about it, talk about something else.
"You do." Ryoga nodded. "If you keep wishing for him, it'll just poison your relationship with both him and your brother."
"...Yeah." Wishing for Kite, Saeki wanted to laugh. It came out a bitter little chuckle. Guess that meant about giving up waiting for that kiss that was never going to come, and just....get on with his life. "Can't do it for myself, so at least for them. And for Syuu's peace of mind." He wasn't about to burst into tears again and, even if he wanted to stay like this for a bit longer, he'd said he only needed a moment more. The boy pushed himself up from the floor and sighed, feeling cold now, without the man's warmth there. "I remember when I first got interested in him, other than hated him. We were sparring for the first time and he caught me into the most painful headlock I've ever been in and I thought it was the hottest thing ever. But it's too dangerous, ne? Thinking that it's okay if this one person wants to kill me......I don't think that anymore."
"...Yes. It's better not to think that." Ryoga shook his head. Sometimes, this kid almost scared him with the way he thought.
"Haha, anyway", Saeki pushed his hand through his hair. He liked doing it - it probably had something, or everything, to do with the way just dyed hair felt. Then again, his hair wasn't just dyed anymore. If he decided to keep the black, he'd never feel that again. Sad, really. "Thanks for listening. You didn't have to. Saying these things to anyone else would just hurt them, but since you have nothing to do with them....I'm glad. And I don't bother you again."
"Angel... I'm still your sensei, you know," Ryoga said. "I will always listen."
Saeki took a step away from the man and smiled distractedly. "No, no, it's okay. It's better if you don't get involved with your students' private lives." He tilted his head and felt pathetic. "I'm kinda building up strength to go to the door now. Dunno why it's suddenly so hard. I do it everyday."
"...Saeki-kun." Ryoga shook his head. "You sure you'll be all right?"
"Yeah?" Probably, maybe, perhaps. Or not. He kicked himself mentally, and then did it again when it seemed to have no effect. "I'm stronger than I look, and I look strong. The door just keeps getting further away."
A sad little smile twitched Ryoga's lips. "...Need me to walk you there?"
Saeki smiled too, though stronger and not so sad. He was still a bit dazed an he knew Ryoga liked his smile. "Would you? That would be soooo kind of you, sensei."
"But certainly." Ryoga stepped closer and offered his arm. "If you would?"
Saeki slipped his hand on the offered arm, remembering to keep smiling. "Thank you so much, sir."
"It's my pleasure." Maybe, if Saeki kept smiling, if Ryoga kept smiling, maybe they'd both actually feel like smiling sooner or later.