Tag Team, Back Again...
OK, so I guess I'll post in here again. It seems no one is really around anymore and lately I just need a place to talk to myself. It's hard to be heard I guess when everything around you is so noisy.
So I'm completely stressed now that my life is about to change. Things in the military were hard, but they were safe... now I'm looking at this great void of possibility I guess I would call it. I don't know, it's like the whole world is open to me, and yet nothing seems within my reach. Take for instance separating. OK, so I'm about 95 days out now give or take, and I have already started to outprocess, and on top of that I have to apply for school and for my FAFSA and for a job and for my Montgomery GI Bill and for unemployment, and my lease is up in June and I'm moving and there's just too much to do. It would be nice if I could just tackle it all and get it done, but I can't. I applied for my FAFSA a good while back, and I applied to Wright State and both of those things finally resulted so now I'm accepted and got my award letter last week so I finally know what financial aid I qualify for, but now I know I qualify for Federal Work Study so I have to change up my job hunt, but it's too early because I can't work for 3 more months, and I don't know how to do a resume or apply for all these jobs, and I don't know which kind of work I want to do, and not having a car is going to be hard to work around, and then there's unemployment and finding out how that plays into me being in Federal Work Study, and I applied for my Montgomery GI Bill but it takes forever to complete and I can't even start the second part of the process until I enroll in classes which isn't until the end of May, and then I have to figure out when what money is coming out and when what money is coming in, and selling back my leave I just found is taxed at 25% plus state tax which will cost me $900 which isn't good at all, and then I have to get Crystal set up for classes and figure out her job situation because it will affect my classes and work availability, and moving is just daunting in and of itself... maybe you get where I'm going. This is just the tip of the iceberg and it doesn't even count what I'm going through emotionally. I'm losing friends at work it seems because I'm always busy with this stuff and shaky relationships are finally deteriorating, and I'm trying to be out and gay in the middle of all of this and trying to just become the actual me who I'm finally starting to get to know... I guess I'm just anxious to finally be somewhere I feel like I belong. For some reason that's made me think of my back home friends more. I stopped talking to all of them after Amanda and I had our last tiff, which if I remember right was after there was a car accident on the way home, and Amanda said something that struck me as "You don't even care if anyone got hurt" and for that was the last I could take I guess so I broke it off. After that I just wasn't even comfortable talking to Kelly or anyone else, because I knew the same old stuff would come up. What I miss are the days wed skip our senior classes and play Kingdom Hearts and eat cinnamon rolls and just be happy and friends, even though for us that meant hateful and sadistic. I don't know, I was happy then and I fit in to a group, and I really did think that would last for a very long time. Now here I am in Ohio not talking to virtually any of those people and expecting I don't know what. A reconnection? I have no idea. Part of me would like to Amanda again, just because she's the person in my life who best fit me, but part of me also remembers that when we weren't near each other something died and it just rotted the entire relationship away. Maybe it's just that I want something that I can't have. I guess it's just one of those things where you have to chalk it up as "it wans't meant to be" which is stupid because nothing is meant to be or not, things just are or are not, and I guess that's what I'm struggling with now. Is there a possibility that Amanda isn't gone from my life for good? Is it worth trying to call or message or IM or whatever? Or is it just opening up old wounds for everyone or just being awkward and weird? I think that maybe it's just that I think with me being out of the military we'd have a better chance at being best friends like we used to... but really that's juvenile of me because I'll still be 4 hours away and we'll still barely see eachother and I'll likely be even less able to visit or talk because of school. Although now I do have a webcam and a headset so I can connect and "be there" much better. Maybe none of this even matters, it's been a year and a half since we considered each other friends, she probably doesn't even have the feelings I do anymore. I don't even know why they're resurging. I think maybe I just associated feeling at home with Amanda, because really in high school she was my world and we were basically inseparable, and now home doesn't feel like home, and I suppose Amanda isn't my Amanda anymore either. She has new friends and a different life, and the whole dynamic of our relationship changed. Now she's doing her thing, whatever it is I don't know, and I'm completely different from back then, at least in many respects. Now, I'm going to gay clubs and travelling to Kentucky and Cincinnati and trying for medical school and making 32 year old friends and older because I can't stand kids my age. What changed? I never would've guessed I'd be here when I was 17. Just remembering being in basic talking about Amanda and I living together and us trying to date and all of the awkwardness that happened, on the one hand it doesn't feel like so long ago, and on the other just remembering and realizing how ridiculous it all was and how foreign and distant those things are to me now... it's strange. I don't know where I'll go with these feelings, or if I'll go anywhere at all. Part of me hopes maybe someone does still read this and it gets back to her or she finds it and makes some sort of first step for good or bad. I guess I'm just too scared to find out for myself... sometimes it's better to dream forever than to ever wake up to see the world as it is. It is weird though, thinking of when Amanda and I were so BFF... it seems so long ago and it almost feels like another life as cliche as that sounds.
Well anyway, those are my thoughts here on livejournal... confusion and nostalgia. Also if you're wondering about the subject lines, I just decided to use song titles andor lyrics as my subject headers from now on. Why not?
So I'm completely stressed now that my life is about to change. Things in the military were hard, but they were safe... now I'm looking at this great void of possibility I guess I would call it. I don't know, it's like the whole world is open to me, and yet nothing seems within my reach. Take for instance separating. OK, so I'm about 95 days out now give or take, and I have already started to outprocess, and on top of that I have to apply for school and for my FAFSA and for a job and for my Montgomery GI Bill and for unemployment, and my lease is up in June and I'm moving and there's just too much to do. It would be nice if I could just tackle it all and get it done, but I can't. I applied for my FAFSA a good while back, and I applied to Wright State and both of those things finally resulted so now I'm accepted and got my award letter last week so I finally know what financial aid I qualify for, but now I know I qualify for Federal Work Study so I have to change up my job hunt, but it's too early because I can't work for 3 more months, and I don't know how to do a resume or apply for all these jobs, and I don't know which kind of work I want to do, and not having a car is going to be hard to work around, and then there's unemployment and finding out how that plays into me being in Federal Work Study, and I applied for my Montgomery GI Bill but it takes forever to complete and I can't even start the second part of the process until I enroll in classes which isn't until the end of May, and then I have to figure out when what money is coming out and when what money is coming in, and selling back my leave I just found is taxed at 25% plus state tax which will cost me $900 which isn't good at all, and then I have to get Crystal set up for classes and figure out her job situation because it will affect my classes and work availability, and moving is just daunting in and of itself... maybe you get where I'm going. This is just the tip of the iceberg and it doesn't even count what I'm going through emotionally. I'm losing friends at work it seems because I'm always busy with this stuff and shaky relationships are finally deteriorating, and I'm trying to be out and gay in the middle of all of this and trying to just become the actual me who I'm finally starting to get to know... I guess I'm just anxious to finally be somewhere I feel like I belong. For some reason that's made me think of my back home friends more. I stopped talking to all of them after Amanda and I had our last tiff, which if I remember right was after there was a car accident on the way home, and Amanda said something that struck me as "You don't even care if anyone got hurt" and for that was the last I could take I guess so I broke it off. After that I just wasn't even comfortable talking to Kelly or anyone else, because I knew the same old stuff would come up. What I miss are the days wed skip our senior classes and play Kingdom Hearts and eat cinnamon rolls and just be happy and friends, even though for us that meant hateful and sadistic. I don't know, I was happy then and I fit in to a group, and I really did think that would last for a very long time. Now here I am in Ohio not talking to virtually any of those people and expecting I don't know what. A reconnection? I have no idea. Part of me would like to Amanda again, just because she's the person in my life who best fit me, but part of me also remembers that when we weren't near each other something died and it just rotted the entire relationship away. Maybe it's just that I want something that I can't have. I guess it's just one of those things where you have to chalk it up as "it wans't meant to be" which is stupid because nothing is meant to be or not, things just are or are not, and I guess that's what I'm struggling with now. Is there a possibility that Amanda isn't gone from my life for good? Is it worth trying to call or message or IM or whatever? Or is it just opening up old wounds for everyone or just being awkward and weird? I think that maybe it's just that I think with me being out of the military we'd have a better chance at being best friends like we used to... but really that's juvenile of me because I'll still be 4 hours away and we'll still barely see eachother and I'll likely be even less able to visit or talk because of school. Although now I do have a webcam and a headset so I can connect and "be there" much better. Maybe none of this even matters, it's been a year and a half since we considered each other friends, she probably doesn't even have the feelings I do anymore. I don't even know why they're resurging. I think maybe I just associated feeling at home with Amanda, because really in high school she was my world and we were basically inseparable, and now home doesn't feel like home, and I suppose Amanda isn't my Amanda anymore either. She has new friends and a different life, and the whole dynamic of our relationship changed. Now she's doing her thing, whatever it is I don't know, and I'm completely different from back then, at least in many respects. Now, I'm going to gay clubs and travelling to Kentucky and Cincinnati and trying for medical school and making 32 year old friends and older because I can't stand kids my age. What changed? I never would've guessed I'd be here when I was 17. Just remembering being in basic talking about Amanda and I living together and us trying to date and all of the awkwardness that happened, on the one hand it doesn't feel like so long ago, and on the other just remembering and realizing how ridiculous it all was and how foreign and distant those things are to me now... it's strange. I don't know where I'll go with these feelings, or if I'll go anywhere at all. Part of me hopes maybe someone does still read this and it gets back to her or she finds it and makes some sort of first step for good or bad. I guess I'm just too scared to find out for myself... sometimes it's better to dream forever than to ever wake up to see the world as it is. It is weird though, thinking of when Amanda and I were so BFF... it seems so long ago and it almost feels like another life as cliche as that sounds.
Well anyway, those are my thoughts here on livejournal... confusion and nostalgia. Also if you're wondering about the subject lines, I just decided to use song titles andor lyrics as my subject headers from now on. Why not?