One-Shot ~ Silence

[lalois]

Title: Silence
Author: lalois
Fandom: Kanjani8
Pairings: RyOhkura
Rating: PG
Length: one-shot
Words: 2773
Genre: angst, introspection, established relationship, long-distance relationship, social distancing, friendship, ust, breaking up? making up? fluff

Disclaimer: sadly I don’t own anything about Kanjani8, just my worship for my OTP. They don't belong to me, but they belong to each other.
Prompt/Summary/Background: where has the relationship between Ryo and Ohkura gone, after having been literally torn apart? After the pandemic and a disease, Ohkura needs to face reality. Inspired by Ryochan’s new songs and RL stuff about Ohkura’s latest months. Beware of angst.

Written on: 8th October 2020.
Also available @ Ao3, DW, LJ



8th October 2020

The live streaming had just ended, leaving him at a loss for words. At a loss for emotions, also, not to mention... thoughts.
Endless thoughts rebounding restlessly inside his tired mind.

Sukoshi tsukaretanara (if you get a little tired)
itsu demo tsukiaukara (I'll always stay with you)

He turned off the laptop he had used to watch the show, lazily sprawled on his sofa, and he retrieved his mobile phone.

It was Thursday night already.
Time to update his Ranger Jweb, but for the first time in ages, as he also waited for his final PCR test result to come, his mind was totally blank.
What to say?
How to say it, if any?
It was unfair. It was painful. It was private.
And so, he simply threw his mobile a bit far away from him; the item landed safely on the corner of the long sofa without any noise.

He shifted on the sofa, the makeshift bed it had turned out to be since he had tested positive for Covid-19, and he hid his face under a pillow.
He started sobbing helplessly.
He hated the sound of his howl, so he grabbed another pillow and pushed it also over his face.

Kono sekai ni sayonara. (Goodbye from this world)

11th October 2020

He hated it, having to do such a thing.
And it felt like Yasu and Maru and Yoko and Shinchan's 'take the utmost care now' words echoed within him, as if they did know what he was up to.
But there was no other way.
A monster was devouring him, and he could not move on until he were to fight it bravely.
He rang the doorbell and waited patiently, adjusting nervously the mask on his face and the huge scarf around his neck.
When Ryo opened the door and looked at him, his face seemed aghast, as if he had just seen a ghost. He was not that far from reality, actually.
"Hey... How-"
"I'm okay now," he assured him. "Also, not infectious anymore since a few days ago. I'm not going to cause any trouble and I'm not going to come in, anyway. May I simply ask you five minutes' time... Ryochan?"
He was out of breath, after his rushed speech. Shit. Shit.
Nobody talked about such collateral damage about the damn Covid-19 infection, but he was experiencing it already. Even when the virus was gone, consequences were still alive in the human body he had spent his time into.
He blamed himself for the umpteenth time. For being too weak, so uselessly weak.
"I'm not going to talk to you outside here, Ohkura, c'mon," Ryo hastily said. "Plus, it's getting cold, and I'd say you're not to catch any, for the time being. Please come in."

He bit his lips, glad that the mask prevented his nervousness from being totally exposed, and reluctantly stepped in. He stopped right after the threshold, though, and waited for Ryo to come back, after he had disappeared into another room.

"You have to take care," Ryo told him, now wearing a cotton mask.

"You too," he angrily snapped, feeling an inappropriate rage suddenly invading him.

"Ohkura, are y-"

"No, please let me talk, for I'll be done right away. Please," he cut him off.

Ryo simply nodded, his eyes as serious and intense as he remembered.

"I cannot move on," he barked, unable to hide his pain any more. "I was busy, yeah, so busy I can barely stand on my feet even now, and it was for the best that we decided it was better to let things simply die from consumption, or whatever. I thought I was okay with that, you know? There were so many things distracting me from such thoughts back then, after all. But I was wrong. One of the things these last twenty-one days have taught me is that I've been miserably lying to myself the whole time."

He looked up, narrowing his eyes, trying to breathe regularly, while Ryo never stopped staring silently at him, his expression undecypherable.

"I cannot really go on with this life if I don't hear from you the words we had not the courage to say one year ago, Ryochan, calling for an implicit hiatus. But I'm ready now. Please tell me it's over for you as well. Because it's so fucking clear it's over, there's no way it could possibly not be. You have your own career, and I do have mine, and none of us has time nor place for anything else as of now. It's okay. Let's just face it. Please."

Ryo raised his right hand to scratch his temple.

"Can you... could you please have a sit, Ohkura?" he asked, gesturing for the nearby couch.

"I'm just waiting for a couple of words from you and nothing else, Ryochan. The last ones. Then, I'll be gone."

It was Ryo, then, taking a sit on the armrest of his couch.

"I am not to deny anything of what you have just said," Ryo went on, speaking slowly. "It's so true. At the same time... I cannot tell you what you wanna hear. I am sorry."

"Why-"

"You can go back home straight away, if you wish," Ryo insisted. "I won't change my mind. I am not going to say something that does not match the way I feel. I am no liar, either."

"Eh? What do you mean?"

Ryo sighed.

"The other day, there was my first-"

"You reckon I don't know?" he cut Ryo off, sounding almost outraged.

"Did you... uhm...?"

"Of course I did. I bought my online ticket, like any ordinary fan of yours, Ryochan. I obviously did."

"Did you... er... like it?"

"Pretty unnecessary question, isn't it?"

Ryo breathed deeply, still staring at him.

"Well then. So... wasn't it crystal clear, the way I feel?"

"Eh?"

"My lyrics... were they unable to reach you?"

Ryo swallowed hard, looking suddenly away, making him understand at once.

If you get a little tired
I'll always stay with you
Forever in a noise-free world
Silence played in unison

He violently shook his head, hating the tears that had come shamefully up, marring his vision.

Yes, if he had to be truly honest with himself, he had felt shaken and overwhelmed by those beautiful and powerful lyrics. To the point he was unable to pretend they did not speak to him only. They did not, of course. Even so, was there really such a meaning? Had it not been just an illusion?

Even so, it was not enough. It could not be.

"No, Ryochan," he croaked, feeling almost as if the pain of the previous year had suddenly seized his insides again. "No, you can't... not like this..."

He hastily wiped his teary face with the back of his hand, facing Ryo proudly, no matter how painful it was.

"Ohkura... having to choose my career over you does not mean I have stopped... having feelings for you.

Putting them in the music I create, well...  it works well for me," Ryo said. "I can understand if you cannot do the same or are unwilling to, though.

I thought it was crystal clear, honestly. Maybe I'm just an idiot, after all. You're inside me, like it or not, and these feelings are nurturing me even if you're not by my side any more. I cannot simply delete them, nor wish for it. I cannot tell you I do not feel any more, Ohkura."

"You're so selfish, Ryochan," he said in a cracked voice.

"I am indeed, maybe even more than before. But no, I am no liar. What you do see is what I truly am. And I am still in love with you, Ohkura, no matter what."

He shook his head again, while a lump invaded his throat.

"Maybe you're very much okay with this, Ryochan, but I am not," he insisted. "I need to move on any way. I have to. So please, please let me go. I am tired."

Lack of breath, again. He hated it.

He closed his eyes for a fleeting moment, trying to regain a regular breathing. Next thing he knew, Ryo was holding him gently and firmly to him at the same time.

He tried to squeal, shove him away even, but the man binding him with his small arms showed no falter at all.

"Let me go, Ryochan, we must not- the social distance, the danger I might still be to you even if-"

"Ssshht," Ryo angrily hushed him. "You've been keeping everything all by yourself so far, right? Pushing the guys, pushing the fans, promoting the group, promoting your flock of Kansai juniors, promoting the social distancing norms, promoting your movie, working your ass out for the new drama, putting your fears and feelings in a corner, pretending you were almost unaffected. And then, you ended up falling sick more than once, becoming prey of the damn virus, being left necessarily alone, self-isolated, blaming yourself for Maruchan's quarantine, unable to reach out for Yasu's company even, afraid to infect him of all people" Ryo goes mercilessly on. "You needn't tell me to understand you need to vent this all out. Please let me do at least this one thing for you, Ohkura. Let me care for you one last time."

"No, I-"

"Shhht… you did so well. You did incredibly, exceptionally well and I am so proud of you. Even so, please try to relax now, please..."

It was unfair.

Ryo's strong scent, his soothing warmth, his familiar voice speaking now to him especially, to him only. Blurting out the damn truth.

His fingers seized nothing but the air first, reaching out for him next, grabbing the fabric of Ryo's sweatshirt.

He didn't realize he was sobbing until his mask became awfully wet, and he had to pull hastily back and remove it, and by doing so he was forced to meet Ryo's eyes and the latter pushed his face towards his neck this time, making him cry even louder than before.

He cried loudly, without refrain. He cried for all the times he had pushed the tears back, telling himself he had to be strong, because it was what everyone expected him to be.

"For not being there when you needed a helping hand the most, please forgive me, Ohkura, if you can. Better, I am not to be forgiven. I just hope that right now I can give you back at least a little bit of what I robbed you of, this last year. And if you want me to let you go, then-"

"I only wanted to meet you," he suddenly confessed, still sobbing. "I wanted to see you so badly. I wanted you to notice. Call out for me. I wanted we could pretend nothing happened and make love every now and then, at least. I wanted us to date somehow, anyway..."

"Tatsu, I-"

"I missed you so much it felt like my body was continuously ripped apart, on constant basis," he went on. "My insides craved for you. My whole body ached, missing you. And I've slowly gone into pieces, Ryochan, as you can see. I'm a shattered one now, I'm... I'm..." he trailed off.

He felt Ryo tentatively stroking his hair.

"You said... you kept saying you never dated a man so far. I thought-"

"Being so naturally awkward around each other cannot count as dating, Ryochan," he added. "And... well, I thought I was okay with that. I was wrong. I miss you. And if I keep going on like this, I'd only keep straining myself even more. I need something... that does not merely linger in the air like the music we make, Ryochan. It's not enough anymore."

He pulled slowly back from Ryo's embrace, meeting his eyes again.

"That is why I need to distance myself from you now," he insisted. "They have been gloriously beautiful, these last twenty-two years with you. Now, I need to move on," he murmured, feeling the tears creeping up at the corner of his eyes again.

Ryo cupped his cheek, brushing it tenderly. The half part of his face covered by the mask detracted nothing from the intensity of Ryo's beautiful dark eyes.

"Even if I'm far away, you're not far away to me, Ohkura. Please do always bear it in mind. Please."

He nodded briefly.

"Thanks for this, Ryochan. I owe you."

Ryo nodded as well, letting go of him. The moment Ryo's palm left the contact with his skin he immediately felt it, the loss.

It was painful. Maybe just a little better than before, knowing that Ryo had never equally stopped harbouring deep feelings for him, despite all odds.

"Ohkura... " Ryo suddenly started out, "you should know by now that I am unable to promise things, so-"

"That is not true," he objected. It was equally painful having to read that on SNS, how people -Eighters and not- kept blaming Ryo for nearly disbanding Kanjani8, when they knew almost nothing about his determination, his faith and commitment towards his group during the years, and especially the recent ones. "You know it is not true, Ryochan."

It was his turn, now, to see Ryo's eyes starting to glisten with a veil of tears. Ryo looked like he needed to say something, something he could not avoid, this time, and yet he seemed suddenly and completely at loss about what to do. He kept mulling with his head bent over, in silence.

It was indeed hard, having to break up forever, this time.

"Tomorrow evening, when you'll be done with going back filming your drama, I thought... maybe, how about we could, you know... I mean..." Ryo tried.

"Wouldn't it be pointless, asking now, of all times?" he cut him off. "I've craved for the contact, the calls, and I've had none. Plenty of hints I did not know whether to pick up or not, whether to read between the lines or not. Even now that I do know, Ryochan, it cannot make up for the absence and the silence. It cannot."

He saw Ryo swallowing hard, and it was painful.

"I thought it was honestly unfair of me to be brazen enough to the point of daring to claim you after what I had done, Ohkura. I did not deserve it."

"Maybe you're not the one to decide for the both of us, though."

"Same for you."

"You've got a point," he conceded, smiling sadly.

"So even if it's pointless, this time I'm asking, and I'd love you to tell me what you'd think about it. Please." Ryo insisted. He looked up, narrowing his eyes when his gaze set on him, proud and fierce and terribly hopeful  and sorry at the same time.

He knew that Ryo had fully realized, now, how hurt he had felt. How much they had hurt each other, even.

He knew that Ryo knew that it had to be one thing or the other. Being serious about it this time, or being not, despite feeling any way.

He knew that they both knew how clashing their work schedule had been and would be again, and again, and again.

Even so... Ryo seemed painfully desperate to find a tiny, special place for him only, for him never having to go even further away.

"If you're persuaded not to dump me tomorrow instead of today, as I wished, I'd say I'd probably love to," he murmured as a reply.

Ryo cracked an embarrassed smile, visible on the corner of his eyes, even through the mask.

As twisted as his replied had sounded, he bet no other ordinary human being would ever understand the meaning behind the quibble.

And yet, Ryo did.

One of his hands reached instinctively out for Ryo's fingers; he let his forefinger slide into Ryo's palm, slowly and carefully. Ryo let him.

The contact felt amazingly anew, unexpectedly tender and incredibly thrilling at the same time.

He wanted it too. Painful as it would surely turn out, knowing how it had turned out in the past, how torn they literally claimed to be, endlessly.

He wanted it anyway. If Ryo was willing to step into them first, he'd follow next. Without hesitation.

"I'll text you when I'll be done, then. Place of your own choice."

Ryo nodded again, brushing his free hand against his own nose, fairly embarrassed.

"... Ne, Ohkura..."

"Mh?"

"I... well... may I say welcome back? I… I missed you.”

He pouted.

It had been a long time, since the last time he had felt like giggling like that.

*owari*

Notes: in the aforementioned lyrics, Ryochan uses the verb ‘tsukiau’ (stay) which has actually a meaning of ‘dating, going out with someone regularly’.

The visual aesthetic of this song is also full blue… the favourite colour of we-know-who ;)

Should you be interested in reading a possible sequel of this, just let me know. I’ve got a few ideas for a more light-hearted story using ‘Kitchen’ as a prompt XD