(no subject)
I feel so drained. However, I don't feel like I've worked hard enough to feel drained. But I realized that I have just done three academic terms in a row since I took a full course load in the summer. I want to take a break from school, from Donning, from technology. I don't want to plan anymore residence events. Most of my students won't come out to my events anyway. Or they'll just come because they feel bad for me. There is still that small group that appreciates the stuff I do. I don't want to let them down. I want to help all of them make the most of their last few weeks here. Sometimes I feel like I care more about it than they do. I don't want them looking back and regretting not doing more. Time goes by so fast. When I had my last community meeting last week I went around and knocked on everyone's doors because that's the only way to get a big turn out. First of all, some of them didn't even realize that there was a meeting going on despite the fact that I made numerous announcements about it in our facebook group AND I made a poster about it and stuck it right inside all the bathroom stalls. (But they still won't read it because apparently people take their smartphones with them inside the bathroom.) I put a lot of effort into those posters. Anyway, when I was going around knocking on their doors, one of my students said that he was naked and couldn't come down. When I made the very obvious suggestion that he simply put clothes on he replied that he didn't feel like it. Another student said that he was watching a very important basketball game and couldn't come down. It was very hard for me not to break down into tears. This was our last community meeting ever. I felt very hurt by their indifference. But I did get a decent turnout in the end so I guess I shouldn't have let it get me down. I'm trying to plan an end of term party that is a few days away. I want to call it off and have one less thing to worry about. I would feel so terrible though.
I was going to use this entry to also talk about my experience with recently downloading the shallowest dating app ever (Tinder), but it's kind of late right now so I won't go into too much detail. Basically I had no intention of ever meeting anybody on it, I just was really curious about the whole concept. It took me forever to work up the nerve to even "Like" anybody on it at first. (Being a soon-to-be grad has made me a bit more reckless.) Being matched with someone was such as ego boost. Getting a crazy amount of matches in a row was an even bigger ego boost. I had no idea that so many people that I found attractive would also find me attractive. I think I was kind of in shock for a while. One guy even messaged me telling me how sexy I was and I have never once in my life thought of myself as sexy. I mean this changes everything. Why hadn't I known that I was this hot sooner? Maybe I could have made more of an effort to talk to people that I thought was way out of my league? Maybe I would have had a lot more confidence? Is it kind of sad that an app like Tinder actually made me feel good about myself? But then it sank in that pictures aren't exactly always the best representations of people. I mean my pictures were taken at flattering angles, under good lighting, and they were edited in some small form. If any of these people saw me in real life what would they think of me? What would I think of these people if I saw them in real life? I don't mind talking to people on it but they always want to meet in person and I have to turn them down because I'm not ready to meet anybody in person yet. A part of me wants to put myself out there and keep pushing myself to be more reckless but a bigger part of me still thinks that I am not cut out for the world of dating and being intimate with people. I just want to feel wanted by somebody. Not just wanted because of the way I look. I also want someone to want me because they think I'm witty and interesting and easy to talk to and fun to be around and a little strange at times but that'd be okay with them because they're a little strange too and I think I'm just going off on a tangent I should probably go to sleep now okay goodnight P.S. I don't feel like editing this so ignore all grammatical errors and incoherent sentences bye.
I was going to use this entry to also talk about my experience with recently downloading the shallowest dating app ever (Tinder), but it's kind of late right now so I won't go into too much detail. Basically I had no intention of ever meeting anybody on it, I just was really curious about the whole concept. It took me forever to work up the nerve to even "Like" anybody on it at first. (Being a soon-to-be grad has made me a bit more reckless.) Being matched with someone was such as ego boost. Getting a crazy amount of matches in a row was an even bigger ego boost. I had no idea that so many people that I found attractive would also find me attractive. I think I was kind of in shock for a while. One guy even messaged me telling me how sexy I was and I have never once in my life thought of myself as sexy. I mean this changes everything. Why hadn't I known that I was this hot sooner? Maybe I could have made more of an effort to talk to people that I thought was way out of my league? Maybe I would have had a lot more confidence? Is it kind of sad that an app like Tinder actually made me feel good about myself? But then it sank in that pictures aren't exactly always the best representations of people. I mean my pictures were taken at flattering angles, under good lighting, and they were edited in some small form. If any of these people saw me in real life what would they think of me? What would I think of these people if I saw them in real life? I don't mind talking to people on it but they always want to meet in person and I have to turn them down because I'm not ready to meet anybody in person yet. A part of me wants to put myself out there and keep pushing myself to be more reckless but a bigger part of me still thinks that I am not cut out for the world of dating and being intimate with people. I just want to feel wanted by somebody. Not just wanted because of the way I look. I also want someone to want me because they think I'm witty and interesting and easy to talk to and fun to be around and a little strange at times but that'd be okay with them because they're a little strange too and I think I'm just going off on a tangent I should probably go to sleep now okay goodnight P.S. I don't feel like editing this so ignore all grammatical errors and incoherent sentences bye.