Another Day, Another Archive
I feel like I should write more in general, and not just when I'm feeling particularly bummed. I think I've just settled for taking an instagram picture to summarize a particularly memorable experience. I like looking back on the thought processes of my younger self though.
My time in undergrad is almost up. I'm not able to convey exactly what my emotions are just yet. They've kind of been all over the place. But I've been though change in the past. But this will be the most drastic change I'll have gone through in my life so far. (Or maybe I'm just being overly dramatic about this.) Two other really big changes for me: Graduating high school and moving out of residence after first year (I really loved my residence). I decided to dig up my journal entry archives to see how I dealt with that.
Jun. 15th, 2010 -- I have two more exams this week and then I'll be done high school. I can't believe it. I'll never have to wear that uniform again. No more kilts, no more knee high socks. Recently they've been feeling degrading on me. I'm too old for it. I'm too old for high school. I don't think I'm a very sentimental person. I never cry for goodbyes. I wish I would. I always feel so heartless when I see everyone else in tears. It just doesn't feel like a final goodbye. Not yet.
April 6th, 2011 -- Four hours of our last residence house dinner together and I'm left with such a feeling of sadness and happiness, I don't know where to begin. Goodbyes never feel like goodbyes. Goodbyes to me just translate to an "I'll see you later." There's nothing fixed however to just long that later will be. But during those four hours of speeches and eating and crying and such a strong feeling of community, I couldn't help but feel like I hadn't done enough. I hadn't had enough hallway dance parties, I hadn't had enough heart-to-heart chats, I hadn't hugged all the people that I wanted to hug. We got our year books and to my surprise I ended up being in quite a few pictures. Even if I was just a small head in the background, I was still part of something. My floor even voted me biggest smile and one of my quotes was used (although the credit for that quote was incorrectly given to someone else, oh well.)
So I'll save all the things I really want to say about my eight months living in residence for when I actually have to move out. For now I still have about fourteen days left here. There's still so much I feel like I need to do. I still haven't found that one solid circle of friends where I am forever amalgamated into. I'm still just a floater floating amongst malleable circles, and I guess that's perfectly fine just as well.
I don't want to leave here with regrets. I'm always on a time limit.
Apr. 21st, 2011 -- Here's what I'll miss: sitting at this very table in the cafeteria, facing the window, watching the semi-transparent reflections of the people walking behind me. I'll miss the twinge of happiness I feel when I see from that window reflection someone walking towards me. I'll miss the satisfaction that comes with that spark of recognition. I can recognize them instantly. Their tallness, the quickness of their footsteps, the way they walk, the colour of the sweatshirts that they always wear. Etched into my memory: their faces, their awkward little gestures, their laughter, the deepness of their voice. I will never see their reflections walking past me again. The majority of these people, they are gone from my life forever. And to think just eight months ago I didn't even know they existed.
My time in undergrad is almost up. I'm not able to convey exactly what my emotions are just yet. They've kind of been all over the place. But I've been though change in the past. But this will be the most drastic change I'll have gone through in my life so far. (Or maybe I'm just being overly dramatic about this.) Two other really big changes for me: Graduating high school and moving out of residence after first year (I really loved my residence). I decided to dig up my journal entry archives to see how I dealt with that.
Jun. 15th, 2010 -- I have two more exams this week and then I'll be done high school. I can't believe it. I'll never have to wear that uniform again. No more kilts, no more knee high socks. Recently they've been feeling degrading on me. I'm too old for it. I'm too old for high school. I don't think I'm a very sentimental person. I never cry for goodbyes. I wish I would. I always feel so heartless when I see everyone else in tears. It just doesn't feel like a final goodbye. Not yet.
April 6th, 2011 -- Four hours of our last residence house dinner together and I'm left with such a feeling of sadness and happiness, I don't know where to begin. Goodbyes never feel like goodbyes. Goodbyes to me just translate to an "I'll see you later." There's nothing fixed however to just long that later will be. But during those four hours of speeches and eating and crying and such a strong feeling of community, I couldn't help but feel like I hadn't done enough. I hadn't had enough hallway dance parties, I hadn't had enough heart-to-heart chats, I hadn't hugged all the people that I wanted to hug. We got our year books and to my surprise I ended up being in quite a few pictures. Even if I was just a small head in the background, I was still part of something. My floor even voted me biggest smile and one of my quotes was used (although the credit for that quote was incorrectly given to someone else, oh well.)
So I'll save all the things I really want to say about my eight months living in residence for when I actually have to move out. For now I still have about fourteen days left here. There's still so much I feel like I need to do. I still haven't found that one solid circle of friends where I am forever amalgamated into. I'm still just a floater floating amongst malleable circles, and I guess that's perfectly fine just as well.
I don't want to leave here with regrets. I'm always on a time limit.
Apr. 21st, 2011 -- Here's what I'll miss: sitting at this very table in the cafeteria, facing the window, watching the semi-transparent reflections of the people walking behind me. I'll miss the twinge of happiness I feel when I see from that window reflection someone walking towards me. I'll miss the satisfaction that comes with that spark of recognition. I can recognize them instantly. Their tallness, the quickness of their footsteps, the way they walk, the colour of the sweatshirts that they always wear. Etched into my memory: their faces, their awkward little gestures, their laughter, the deepness of their voice. I will never see their reflections walking past me again. The majority of these people, they are gone from my life forever. And to think just eight months ago I didn't even know they existed.