(no subject)
my problems right now stem mostly from two things. i'm hating my job based solely on the fact that half my staff don't take their jobs seriously enough to come to work every day even though they know we're short staffed as hell and its busy, so one stylist calling out usually means there's only 1 or 2 stylists working at certain parts of the day, and 1 receptionist calling out means i have to do my job plus theirs which is damn near impossible. ky wanted to call me in on wednesday morning. but i didn't answer the phone because there was absolutely no way i could keep going like this without having a mental breakdown. i needed some down time, lately i've felt like i can't get enough sleep no matter how much i get.
the other thing, the situation between richie and i, keeps going back and forth as to where its going. he opened up my emotions by even bringing up the topic of us being together, then decided he wasnt ready for it yet, then now hes got a lot of other issues in life that have basically made him distant as hell from me and i don't know if its ever gonna be back to the way it used to be. so i dunno whether i should just stop trying and move on or what. but it was so close, and i want so badly for it to work out but i don't know if i'm just being stupid by hanging onto the hope. if he was just any guy i could walk away from it and eventually get over it, but he's my best friend, i think the world of him and i wouldn't want him out of my life. we were never a couple but we have a group of friends together and i don't wanna change that. i couldn't just be friends only with him at this point, and i don't know if that would be the best thing to do anyway. it might cause me less hurt overall if i got myself to the point where i stopped caring about him in that way. but i'm not ready to give up unless he said for sure that there's no hope for us. my emotions are on a switch i can turn them on and off if i want to. i can make myself selfish and cold. i can become that person again, someone who thinks of whats best for herself only and whatever else happens wouldn't be my fault because i warned them not to get too close. yeah it was good for me to be that person for a while because it helped me get myself together without the complications of having to worry about keeping someone else happy. but now i have myself figured out and i want to feel real emotions again. i want to be able to be able to love someone and have them love me back. but now isn't the time. i want to have it one day. i'm wondering if he's just a few steps behind me, where i was a year ago, so he'll be where i am now eventually. its so hard to talk to other people about it cause it involves a really long explanation to get them to understand our situation in the first place, and also all the other issues that complicate it (sooooo many!).
so apparently the stress has made my immune system go down to where i got sick, and i'm to the point now where i feel like crying all the time (but i'm not actually crying, now that would be weird), which is completely unlike me because i very rarely ever cry, its like a once a year occurance. i usually have all the answers but right now i feel like i have none.
the other thing, the situation between richie and i, keeps going back and forth as to where its going. he opened up my emotions by even bringing up the topic of us being together, then decided he wasnt ready for it yet, then now hes got a lot of other issues in life that have basically made him distant as hell from me and i don't know if its ever gonna be back to the way it used to be. so i dunno whether i should just stop trying and move on or what. but it was so close, and i want so badly for it to work out but i don't know if i'm just being stupid by hanging onto the hope. if he was just any guy i could walk away from it and eventually get over it, but he's my best friend, i think the world of him and i wouldn't want him out of my life. we were never a couple but we have a group of friends together and i don't wanna change that. i couldn't just be friends only with him at this point, and i don't know if that would be the best thing to do anyway. it might cause me less hurt overall if i got myself to the point where i stopped caring about him in that way. but i'm not ready to give up unless he said for sure that there's no hope for us. my emotions are on a switch i can turn them on and off if i want to. i can make myself selfish and cold. i can become that person again, someone who thinks of whats best for herself only and whatever else happens wouldn't be my fault because i warned them not to get too close. yeah it was good for me to be that person for a while because it helped me get myself together without the complications of having to worry about keeping someone else happy. but now i have myself figured out and i want to feel real emotions again. i want to be able to be able to love someone and have them love me back. but now isn't the time. i want to have it one day. i'm wondering if he's just a few steps behind me, where i was a year ago, so he'll be where i am now eventually. its so hard to talk to other people about it cause it involves a really long explanation to get them to understand our situation in the first place, and also all the other issues that complicate it (sooooo many!).
so apparently the stress has made my immune system go down to where i got sick, and i'm to the point now where i feel like crying all the time (but i'm not actually crying, now that would be weird), which is completely unlike me because i very rarely ever cry, its like a once a year occurance. i usually have all the answers but right now i feel like i have none.