HAILS!!! I live!
I know it's been a while, almost two months since I've written. You know why? Because I'm HAPPY. Yes, it is great. I can't remember having this sort of carelessness overall since a long long time ago. But it's different. I'm in the adult world. I have so many pressures, and many things are scary and hard to face, but I don't have anyone bringing me down and making it worse. That makes such a big difference, I never could have imagined it!
Since my last entry, I've ceased talking with Matt and Ed completely. Matt moved to Colorado to live with his birth mom and sister and began to resent me or something like that. He wrote an LJ entry about how ridiculous I am, and I responded with my last entry, and I haven't spoken to him since. Strangely enough, I've been dreaming about him, but it's always lame. He shows up to tell me he wants nothing to do with me. He could just stay away, that would be nicer. Oh well. And Ed got all butt-hurt about me dating Eric and I ultimately told him we have NO future because he's a lazy dick. He got totally offended and stopped talking to me. He was jealous of Eric too, because he's a better, more successful musician than Ed is haha I'm also no longer in love with Ed for the first time since I met him over 5 years ago. It's a liberating feeling. I love it. Things with Richie never worked out after two dates, and he just recently moved to Nevada. He was cool but came on a little too strong and was too clingy. He wanted me to be his gf and I didn't like him in that way. I want to be his friend but nothing more. I only saw Robert that once, at Das Bunker on my birthday. We made out drunk and it was so hot, and he texted me the next week or two to see if I'd come back to LA, but I didn't. I only just returned to Bunker this past Friday. I miss it! AJ and Sarah came with me, and Taraye and Stephen (Zer0Star) met us there. It was Stephen's 20th birthday :) We stayed sober which was amazing, but good. I didn't see Robert (I secretly hoped too, but it wasn't important) and no one approached me, but that was probably because I was dancing a lot with AJ. Not WITH him, cause I hate couple dancing, but you know. I am still dating Eric. He's awesome. He's such a good man. And I love the music scene haha Helsott is freaking awesome. They released their demo CD Folkvagner a few weeks ago. Eric and Mark went to Ozzfest on Saturday to pass out some of their demos and hopefully gain new fans. Ive seen them live 3 times now, and they're always great! I like meeting the other bands too. The last show was at Dream Street in San Diego and I got in for free because I was on the "guest list" haha (there was no guest list...). Eric and I see each other once or twice a week, usually on Mondays and Tuesdays. We mostly just go out to eat, or to the movies, or to the park, and then go park up in the hills past his house ;) We have a little spot with a view of Menifee, where it's dark and peaceful and you can only hear the crickets. He does things for me no man has been able to; it's amazing! He treats me very well and thinks I'm all kinds of wonderful. I consider it an honor to be his sexy girl, and he my sexy bearded man. We're not in an official relationship, even though everyone's opinion is that we are or that we should be. Someday I will have to let him go, and that would be harder if he was my boyfriend. I want a husband and father for Emmy, and he wants to be a man on the road with Helsott. We know our lives are on different paths, but we enjoy each other in the here and now. I enjoy and admire him and appreciate him so much.
Besides the saga of boys in and out of my life, there's always work. Work hasn't been fun for me recently. Angel (my favorite manager) transferred to the Hemet store, and it hasn't been the same since she left. Our short-lived Associate Manager Rick transferred to a different store (Poway I think) just before Angel left, and we haven't really replaced either of them since. The week after Angel left, Denise was gone at a leadership summit, so the manager situation was VERY dire. I worked almost full time hours because I had to stay late half my shifts because the closing managers didn't know what they were doing, and nothing got done, and what did get done didn't get done right. I was going crazy. Last week was better; I only worked 3 days, and Lena switched shifts with me Sunday so I could work in the morning and see Helsott that evening. This week I have 5 days again. Today was my last day off through Saturday, and I don't know about next week. I've been stuck on register on the weekends too, which really sucks. I'm still a bomb cashier, but the days DRAG before lunch. And I hate mopping during closing. But I'm mostly frustrated with management right now. Jennie is good, and Corie's pretty good, but I think I could do a better job than some.
I might ask for full time, and I'm nervous about it. I want to move because I'm tired of mom and all the drama, and not being able to see my man (especially not getting much sexy alone time with him). We may lose the house anyway. My dad is a dick and won't sign the loan over to my mom. He just got a new (literally only 5 years old) house with his new fiancee, what the fuck does he care? He wants his kids to be homeless? He lets hating my mom get in the way of his relationship with the kids, and he thinks it's all mom's fault. I'm tired of it. Besides, I'm 20 fucking 3, I'm a mother, I'm a hard worker; no reason I HAVE to be living with mom. The biggest benefit of living here is having the twins to babysit. Childcare is my number one concern about moving. I don't want to stick Emmy in daycare. This is why I want to be married!!! I wouldn't HAVE to work full time, and if I HAD to work at all, I could work out an alternate schedule with my husband. But no man (still) wants to provide for me and my baby. I can't say I blame them for not wanting someone else's child, but what's wrong with ME? As much as I adore Solemnity, I'm at the point now where I wish I'd had enough foresight to prevent getting pregnant in the first place. I should have left baby daddy before Vegas. Either that or we should have used condoms. Or something. Damnit. I want to be a young 20-something who drinks and dances and has crazy sex with her significant other and only has to buy clothes and shoes *sigh* But I will say it again, I love my daughter with all my heart. I would not be alive anymore without her. I would shut down.
Speaking of Emmy, she's growing up so much! She's almost a year and a half old. She's still got red hair, and it's got beautiful ringlets in the back. She wears it with bangs. Her eyes glow blue and she has perfect light skin, and beautiful little lips. She's not a very chubby baby either. She's walking now, but she still prefers to crawl. She says many words and is very silly! She does things just to make us laugh. And she's still sweet and affectionate as always.
It's not quiet here anymore so I'm gonna go.
<3 Angel
Since my last entry, I've ceased talking with Matt and Ed completely. Matt moved to Colorado to live with his birth mom and sister and began to resent me or something like that. He wrote an LJ entry about how ridiculous I am, and I responded with my last entry, and I haven't spoken to him since. Strangely enough, I've been dreaming about him, but it's always lame. He shows up to tell me he wants nothing to do with me. He could just stay away, that would be nicer. Oh well. And Ed got all butt-hurt about me dating Eric and I ultimately told him we have NO future because he's a lazy dick. He got totally offended and stopped talking to me. He was jealous of Eric too, because he's a better, more successful musician than Ed is haha I'm also no longer in love with Ed for the first time since I met him over 5 years ago. It's a liberating feeling. I love it. Things with Richie never worked out after two dates, and he just recently moved to Nevada. He was cool but came on a little too strong and was too clingy. He wanted me to be his gf and I didn't like him in that way. I want to be his friend but nothing more. I only saw Robert that once, at Das Bunker on my birthday. We made out drunk and it was so hot, and he texted me the next week or two to see if I'd come back to LA, but I didn't. I only just returned to Bunker this past Friday. I miss it! AJ and Sarah came with me, and Taraye and Stephen (Zer0Star) met us there. It was Stephen's 20th birthday :) We stayed sober which was amazing, but good. I didn't see Robert (I secretly hoped too, but it wasn't important) and no one approached me, but that was probably because I was dancing a lot with AJ. Not WITH him, cause I hate couple dancing, but you know. I am still dating Eric. He's awesome. He's such a good man. And I love the music scene haha Helsott is freaking awesome. They released their demo CD Folkvagner a few weeks ago. Eric and Mark went to Ozzfest on Saturday to pass out some of their demos and hopefully gain new fans. Ive seen them live 3 times now, and they're always great! I like meeting the other bands too. The last show was at Dream Street in San Diego and I got in for free because I was on the "guest list" haha (there was no guest list...). Eric and I see each other once or twice a week, usually on Mondays and Tuesdays. We mostly just go out to eat, or to the movies, or to the park, and then go park up in the hills past his house ;) We have a little spot with a view of Menifee, where it's dark and peaceful and you can only hear the crickets. He does things for me no man has been able to; it's amazing! He treats me very well and thinks I'm all kinds of wonderful. I consider it an honor to be his sexy girl, and he my sexy bearded man. We're not in an official relationship, even though everyone's opinion is that we are or that we should be. Someday I will have to let him go, and that would be harder if he was my boyfriend. I want a husband and father for Emmy, and he wants to be a man on the road with Helsott. We know our lives are on different paths, but we enjoy each other in the here and now. I enjoy and admire him and appreciate him so much.
Besides the saga of boys in and out of my life, there's always work. Work hasn't been fun for me recently. Angel (my favorite manager) transferred to the Hemet store, and it hasn't been the same since she left. Our short-lived Associate Manager Rick transferred to a different store (Poway I think) just before Angel left, and we haven't really replaced either of them since. The week after Angel left, Denise was gone at a leadership summit, so the manager situation was VERY dire. I worked almost full time hours because I had to stay late half my shifts because the closing managers didn't know what they were doing, and nothing got done, and what did get done didn't get done right. I was going crazy. Last week was better; I only worked 3 days, and Lena switched shifts with me Sunday so I could work in the morning and see Helsott that evening. This week I have 5 days again. Today was my last day off through Saturday, and I don't know about next week. I've been stuck on register on the weekends too, which really sucks. I'm still a bomb cashier, but the days DRAG before lunch. And I hate mopping during closing. But I'm mostly frustrated with management right now. Jennie is good, and Corie's pretty good, but I think I could do a better job than some.
I might ask for full time, and I'm nervous about it. I want to move because I'm tired of mom and all the drama, and not being able to see my man (especially not getting much sexy alone time with him). We may lose the house anyway. My dad is a dick and won't sign the loan over to my mom. He just got a new (literally only 5 years old) house with his new fiancee, what the fuck does he care? He wants his kids to be homeless? He lets hating my mom get in the way of his relationship with the kids, and he thinks it's all mom's fault. I'm tired of it. Besides, I'm 20 fucking 3, I'm a mother, I'm a hard worker; no reason I HAVE to be living with mom. The biggest benefit of living here is having the twins to babysit. Childcare is my number one concern about moving. I don't want to stick Emmy in daycare. This is why I want to be married!!! I wouldn't HAVE to work full time, and if I HAD to work at all, I could work out an alternate schedule with my husband. But no man (still) wants to provide for me and my baby. I can't say I blame them for not wanting someone else's child, but what's wrong with ME? As much as I adore Solemnity, I'm at the point now where I wish I'd had enough foresight to prevent getting pregnant in the first place. I should have left baby daddy before Vegas. Either that or we should have used condoms. Or something. Damnit. I want to be a young 20-something who drinks and dances and has crazy sex with her significant other and only has to buy clothes and shoes *sigh* But I will say it again, I love my daughter with all my heart. I would not be alive anymore without her. I would shut down.
Speaking of Emmy, she's growing up so much! She's almost a year and a half old. She's still got red hair, and it's got beautiful ringlets in the back. She wears it with bangs. Her eyes glow blue and she has perfect light skin, and beautiful little lips. She's not a very chubby baby either. She's walking now, but she still prefers to crawl. She says many words and is very silly! She does things just to make us laugh. And she's still sweet and affectionate as always.
It's not quiet here anymore so I'm gonna go.
<3 Angel