Bad dreams
Lately I've been having bad dreams. I had a War of the Worlds type dream a while ago, and last night I had a dream I'm going to write about, because I feel I need to.
I was at work, closing. The lights went off (as they do at 10:00) and we were getting ready to leave, when we heard a commotion outside and suddenly some thugs burst into the store (which was more like an empty industrial building like where I used to go to church). More people kept showing up and the thugs where fighting each other at first, then turned on some of the innocent people. Soon it became quite a struggle and everyone was afraid for their lives. I tried to think of what I could do. A couple of the thugs killed a couple other thugs, and some of the innocent people got shot too. When only one of the thugs was left in the room and someone had taken his gun and run off, I grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. I beat him to the ground and began beating his face, calling him a sick bastard and telling him to look at what he'd done. While I was holding him down I told someone to call the cops (several minutes had passed from the start of it all, but everyone was afraid of being shot if they called for help) and for some reason, I had to take an infant from the arms of one of the women in the corner of the room and run outside with it. Outside, one of the young thugs was running around shooting at people. I had to run the infant to safety and I screamed at the thug as he shot in our direction. I turned around, holding the infant close, and watched as the thug held the gun to his head and killed himself. I hid the infant's face and ran for cover, just as the cops showed up. That was the end of my dream.
So often in my dreams, I am the protector. I'm the only rational one and I'm responsible for the safety of others. I was appalled when, in my War of the Worlds dream, I was responsible for the safety of my own daughter, but didn't know that was my daughter, and I ran off to defend myself. When I found out the girl I'd left behind was my daughter (she was just as tough as I was), I felt sick. We joined the aliens at that point. In reality, my daughter is my number one. I would break skulls and dodge bullets for her without a second thought. I would hold her close and run for days, just to keep her safe. She and I are all we have.
My life isn't bad. I have it so much easier than many single moms out there. But my life isn't what I'd planned it to be, and I have a hard time dealing with that sometimes. I want more out of work, but I want to leave at the same time. I want money from Emmy's dad, but I don't want to "owe" her to him at the same time. I want to move out of my mom's house, but don't want to live off of welfare at the same time. It's just a constant struggle. And generally it all goes back to money. That's shitty. And I do feel, in many aspects of my life, that I'm the only one who does anything. I'm the only one keeping the ship running. And I form contempt for everyone else who doesn't seem to be contributing equally. I don't want to do it all on my own. But I feel like I have to. Or else it will all fall apart. I don't want it to fall apart.
Emmy just turned 2. She's amazing. She's beautiful. She's intelligent. She's funny and silly. She's sweet and affectionate. I want to be with her more when I'm at work, but when I'm not at work I want some time out with Eric, or time to myself to nap or take a bath or read. My car is out again, so I can't just leave on my days off. I want to take Emmy out, to the park or the mall or to my work to see the animals, but I can't. I hate the feeling.
Eric is the other big part of my life. I enjoy him so much, but I know we have no future together. We don't share quite the same priorities and values. And he's not the man to be a daddy for Emmy. It's like, is it worth being so close and caring for each other so much, and being together "indefinitely" if we know we're going to part ways before too long? Does being with him keep me from finding the right man? Will I even have the man I want for my life?
These are all things that I think about constantly. I wish I could just clear my mind and live day to day. But I know that's not what a responsible mommy does.
<3 Angel
I was at work, closing. The lights went off (as they do at 10:00) and we were getting ready to leave, when we heard a commotion outside and suddenly some thugs burst into the store (which was more like an empty industrial building like where I used to go to church). More people kept showing up and the thugs where fighting each other at first, then turned on some of the innocent people. Soon it became quite a struggle and everyone was afraid for their lives. I tried to think of what I could do. A couple of the thugs killed a couple other thugs, and some of the innocent people got shot too. When only one of the thugs was left in the room and someone had taken his gun and run off, I grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. I beat him to the ground and began beating his face, calling him a sick bastard and telling him to look at what he'd done. While I was holding him down I told someone to call the cops (several minutes had passed from the start of it all, but everyone was afraid of being shot if they called for help) and for some reason, I had to take an infant from the arms of one of the women in the corner of the room and run outside with it. Outside, one of the young thugs was running around shooting at people. I had to run the infant to safety and I screamed at the thug as he shot in our direction. I turned around, holding the infant close, and watched as the thug held the gun to his head and killed himself. I hid the infant's face and ran for cover, just as the cops showed up. That was the end of my dream.
So often in my dreams, I am the protector. I'm the only rational one and I'm responsible for the safety of others. I was appalled when, in my War of the Worlds dream, I was responsible for the safety of my own daughter, but didn't know that was my daughter, and I ran off to defend myself. When I found out the girl I'd left behind was my daughter (she was just as tough as I was), I felt sick. We joined the aliens at that point. In reality, my daughter is my number one. I would break skulls and dodge bullets for her without a second thought. I would hold her close and run for days, just to keep her safe. She and I are all we have.
My life isn't bad. I have it so much easier than many single moms out there. But my life isn't what I'd planned it to be, and I have a hard time dealing with that sometimes. I want more out of work, but I want to leave at the same time. I want money from Emmy's dad, but I don't want to "owe" her to him at the same time. I want to move out of my mom's house, but don't want to live off of welfare at the same time. It's just a constant struggle. And generally it all goes back to money. That's shitty. And I do feel, in many aspects of my life, that I'm the only one who does anything. I'm the only one keeping the ship running. And I form contempt for everyone else who doesn't seem to be contributing equally. I don't want to do it all on my own. But I feel like I have to. Or else it will all fall apart. I don't want it to fall apart.
Emmy just turned 2. She's amazing. She's beautiful. She's intelligent. She's funny and silly. She's sweet and affectionate. I want to be with her more when I'm at work, but when I'm not at work I want some time out with Eric, or time to myself to nap or take a bath or read. My car is out again, so I can't just leave on my days off. I want to take Emmy out, to the park or the mall or to my work to see the animals, but I can't. I hate the feeling.
Eric is the other big part of my life. I enjoy him so much, but I know we have no future together. We don't share quite the same priorities and values. And he's not the man to be a daddy for Emmy. It's like, is it worth being so close and caring for each other so much, and being together "indefinitely" if we know we're going to part ways before too long? Does being with him keep me from finding the right man? Will I even have the man I want for my life?
These are all things that I think about constantly. I wish I could just clear my mind and live day to day. But I know that's not what a responsible mommy does.
<3 Angel