(no subject)
alright, today is xmas. I'm actually excited to open the presents. the first one I got and we are allowed to open [they leave them by our bedroom door, it's supposed to be a sort of teaser for the rest of the presents] was a book called 'A history of pi'
I like that :)
alright...
so, I'm not sure if I ever told you this, but about a month ago while I was still majorly pissed of at matt, I'd renewed an old myspace profile I can't delete and put almost excplicit pictures on it and randomly began adding guys to it. the fact that I'll even do something like that to get attention is sick, I know. I came to my senses today and tore down the rest of the profile [though I came to my senses about the photos like THAT *snap*]
but something interesting happened...I got two messages from two people I wouldn't expect to get them from:
1.) my first ex-boyfriend chris! wow! after all this time, he's still thinking about me. I think the bitterness towards him is gone. this is what he wrote:
2.)My former best friend Jenna! though do I want to keep it as "former" or will I renew it? I think I will. the bitterness of the past also in this situation is gone.
so those in strange ways are xmas presents to me. I think.
That was actually wonderful, among my petty tragedies I've been experiencing.
You all reading may hate me, but I decided in the end not to get my dad anything for xmas. this past week, he has made xmas hell for us. making a complaint about me purchasing gifts for my sisters and brothers, and arguing with me every second about college and how I need to be responsible and get a better job and make/save money for it...and I ALWAYS retort, "dad, if you'd do your taxes, I could get financial aid and we wouldn't worry so much about this." well, I suppose I am giving him a present in a way. I'm not spending any of my precious money on him. how dare him tell me to be responsible when it's because of him that I don't have financial aid.
Alright.. you knew it was coming. the outcome of my messaging andrew.
... ... ... this was the response:
lol, wow...I messaged back warmly [but not sexually], but he hasn't written back yet and I'm not sure he will or won't. he has not denied the friend request.
I might just take his one response as collateral and not continue. I should be satisfied with his response and take that as the nuke to matt. we'll see. after a week of practically forgetting about matt [thanks to meeting lawrence, I still have to update about him :) ], the holiday has made me think of him again. I saw a picture of him at some... xmas party I assume it was, with a couple of other guys I'd seen before on his friend list. I saw the smile on his face. it enraged me. I also, in my mind, saw his twisted face as he gets assfucked by some random gentleman across the room.
I remember telling you that I told him "this has to stop..." ---- pray that I get through this and don't continue to humilate myself.
I don't quite have time to keep going, to tell you about some of the things that I heard and said to help me with this situation [though I will in next entry.] I feel the confidence from my dates, from andrew's message, from the things I will tell you about in next entry to move on. all of this will be used as collateral and weaponry.
merry christmas!
I like that :)
alright...
so, I'm not sure if I ever told you this, but about a month ago while I was still majorly pissed of at matt, I'd renewed an old myspace profile I can't delete and put almost excplicit pictures on it and randomly began adding guys to it. the fact that I'll even do something like that to get attention is sick, I know. I came to my senses today and tore down the rest of the profile [though I came to my senses about the photos like THAT *snap*]
but something interesting happened...I got two messages from two people I wouldn't expect to get them from:
1.) my first ex-boyfriend chris! wow! after all this time, he's still thinking about me. I think the bitterness towards him is gone. this is what he wrote:
2.)My former best friend Jenna! though do I want to keep it as "former" or will I renew it? I think I will. the bitterness of the past also in this situation is gone.
so those in strange ways are xmas presents to me. I think.
That was actually wonderful, among my petty tragedies I've been experiencing.
You all reading may hate me, but I decided in the end not to get my dad anything for xmas. this past week, he has made xmas hell for us. making a complaint about me purchasing gifts for my sisters and brothers, and arguing with me every second about college and how I need to be responsible and get a better job and make/save money for it...and I ALWAYS retort, "dad, if you'd do your taxes, I could get financial aid and we wouldn't worry so much about this." well, I suppose I am giving him a present in a way. I'm not spending any of my precious money on him. how dare him tell me to be responsible when it's because of him that I don't have financial aid.
Alright.. you knew it was coming. the outcome of my messaging andrew.
... ... ... this was the response:
lol, wow...I messaged back warmly [but not sexually], but he hasn't written back yet and I'm not sure he will or won't. he has not denied the friend request.
I might just take his one response as collateral and not continue. I should be satisfied with his response and take that as the nuke to matt. we'll see. after a week of practically forgetting about matt [thanks to meeting lawrence, I still have to update about him :) ], the holiday has made me think of him again. I saw a picture of him at some... xmas party I assume it was, with a couple of other guys I'd seen before on his friend list. I saw the smile on his face. it enraged me. I also, in my mind, saw his twisted face as he gets assfucked by some random gentleman across the room.
I remember telling you that I told him "this has to stop..." ---- pray that I get through this and don't continue to humilate myself.
I don't quite have time to keep going, to tell you about some of the things that I heard and said to help me with this situation [though I will in next entry.] I feel the confidence from my dates, from andrew's message, from the things I will tell you about in next entry to move on. all of this will be used as collateral and weaponry.
merry christmas!