Tales from Edmontonland
Edmonton is a weird and scary place, you will find alot of what I tell you horrifying, even mind-boggling. Belay your disbelief gentle readers. I am a truth speaker, I speak only in truth about these matters. I give you all... Adventures in Alberta:
1) They have no rush-hour traffic here, infact they have no traffic at all. However people still manage to complain when they have 4 cars on the highway with them. Their highway systems are EMPTY at 3 to 6 (as well as all other times). I've seen no more than a few trucks and MOBILE FREAKING billboards cruising these massive paved beasts at peak times, the thought chills me to the bone. (Everything here chills me to the bone)
2) Their Yellowhead Highway (the QEW up here) has STOPLIGHTS every few metres... FREAKING STOPLIGHTS ON A HIGHWAY! WHAT THE SHIT! I'm looking forward to finding out that theres Speedbumps on sidewalks or some other insanity once this damned snow clears or someone shovels the damned things.
3) They don't plow their streets... everyone drives on a thick lair of compressed snow which has been compressed by the cars driving on top of it... horrible horrible filthy compressed snow. How a place with 10 times more snow than Ontario cannot plow I will NEVER understand (I guess they just gave up in the time of horse and carriage)
4) They don't salt their streets, on the highway they have used huge amounts of sand, no where else gets this sand... what makes this sand so special! Ironically I've seen 3 car accidents so far.
5) Booze is bought in bulk for INSANELY cheap prices that blow the LCBO out of the water. I have never said "Boy I would love a bottle of scotch... let me buy 4" until now. It's like being a alkie kid in a candy store where you buy 1 and get another free only with being drunk. The major flaw with this is that they have to be of the same kind. You can't just buy a bottle of one type then another, NOOOOO having booze to mix would be against that law, Baileys 2 bottles, Khalhua 2 bottles, this is how this fantasy land works. It doesn't stop there though, you have to get 2 or up to 6 of an item. 6 bottles of one kind of wine... CRAZY TALK!
6) Edmonton is consisted mostly of one GIANT FUCKING MALL, 2 smaller ones and restaurants with Texas sized portions. Thats it! (Although I did see a huge freaking place that sells saddles) I've yet to see a horse, I think people just shoot them every winter to use them as sleeping bags since this damned frigid tundra is practically Tatooine.
7) THERES SNOW EVERYWHERE AND ITS COLDER THAN A WITCHES NIPPLE! (no offence Wiccans, your nipples can cut glass)
8) Everything here in Edmontonland is cheaper.... except gas... which is amazing as it fucking comes from here!
9) Theres a giant metal bat paid for with Tax payers dollars.... in the middle of FUCKING NOWHERE! (Its beside a place called "Pancakes and Steak"... Which in upon itself is some kinda special.
10) Theres MAJOR choke-points in the form of bridges in the city... how they can build a metal bat and NOT more bridges I will never know. They take great joy of shutting these down at random points apparently.
11) One of said bridges produces a tiny waterfall up here... supposedly pumping gallons of purified drinking water into the river for 3 hours a year... its supposed to be special... after you have seen Niagra however its akin to after you have broken the seal during a good night of drinking. (Which is entirely possible here, they should just have people pee of the bridge and save the tax payers money for shit like PLOWING.)
Thats all kiddies, more to come as the tendrils of Edmonton unfurl their evil cyclopean frigid magic upon me. This place is going to take some serious getting used to.
1) They have no rush-hour traffic here, infact they have no traffic at all. However people still manage to complain when they have 4 cars on the highway with them. Their highway systems are EMPTY at 3 to 6 (as well as all other times). I've seen no more than a few trucks and MOBILE FREAKING billboards cruising these massive paved beasts at peak times, the thought chills me to the bone. (Everything here chills me to the bone)
2) Their Yellowhead Highway (the QEW up here) has STOPLIGHTS every few metres... FREAKING STOPLIGHTS ON A HIGHWAY! WHAT THE SHIT! I'm looking forward to finding out that theres Speedbumps on sidewalks or some other insanity once this damned snow clears or someone shovels the damned things.
3) They don't plow their streets... everyone drives on a thick lair of compressed snow which has been compressed by the cars driving on top of it... horrible horrible filthy compressed snow. How a place with 10 times more snow than Ontario cannot plow I will NEVER understand (I guess they just gave up in the time of horse and carriage)
4) They don't salt their streets, on the highway they have used huge amounts of sand, no where else gets this sand... what makes this sand so special! Ironically I've seen 3 car accidents so far.
5) Booze is bought in bulk for INSANELY cheap prices that blow the LCBO out of the water. I have never said "Boy I would love a bottle of scotch... let me buy 4" until now. It's like being a alkie kid in a candy store where you buy 1 and get another free only with being drunk. The major flaw with this is that they have to be of the same kind. You can't just buy a bottle of one type then another, NOOOOO having booze to mix would be against that law, Baileys 2 bottles, Khalhua 2 bottles, this is how this fantasy land works. It doesn't stop there though, you have to get 2 or up to 6 of an item. 6 bottles of one kind of wine... CRAZY TALK!
6) Edmonton is consisted mostly of one GIANT FUCKING MALL, 2 smaller ones and restaurants with Texas sized portions. Thats it! (Although I did see a huge freaking place that sells saddles) I've yet to see a horse, I think people just shoot them every winter to use them as sleeping bags since this damned frigid tundra is practically Tatooine.
7) THERES SNOW EVERYWHERE AND ITS COLDER THAN A WITCHES NIPPLE! (no offence Wiccans, your nipples can cut glass)
8) Everything here in Edmontonland is cheaper.... except gas... which is amazing as it fucking comes from here!
9) Theres a giant metal bat paid for with Tax payers dollars.... in the middle of FUCKING NOWHERE! (Its beside a place called "Pancakes and Steak"... Which in upon itself is some kinda special.
10) Theres MAJOR choke-points in the form of bridges in the city... how they can build a metal bat and NOT more bridges I will never know. They take great joy of shutting these down at random points apparently.
11) One of said bridges produces a tiny waterfall up here... supposedly pumping gallons of purified drinking water into the river for 3 hours a year... its supposed to be special... after you have seen Niagra however its akin to after you have broken the seal during a good night of drinking. (Which is entirely possible here, they should just have people pee of the bridge and save the tax payers money for shit like PLOWING.)
Thats all kiddies, more to come as the tendrils of Edmonton unfurl their evil cyclopean frigid magic upon me. This place is going to take some serious getting used to.