Tales from Edmontonland II
Edmonton, it continues to be weird. Ok maybe weird is the wrong word as the whole city is insane. Driven mad by the cold or some evil presence haunting this place. Some ancient native curse upon the land! I often wonder if I will ever settle in, or if I'm doomed because of some blankets. This post will contain more terror then the last post did, I have had a few months under my belt since our last installment. While my last post had a good dose of silly, this one provides some TRUE scary ass shit that goes down here. Welcome to my life as I continue to be homesick surviving these evil adventures in Alberta:
1) Car accidents… I have seen with NO exaggeration more car accidents here then I have seen in my entire freaking life! I started off counting them, keeping a running total, I lost count due to the shear bloody amount of collisions I see each and every day. Seriously, at first I thought it was likely due to the lack of street plowing mentioned earlier, the lack of salt on the roads, the strange rock windshield destroying "sand" they place instead. Nay, people here are simply the worst drivers in Canada (maybe even the world). The only turn signals I have witnessed have been from those with out of province plates. I once thought Québec was bad; here on the other hand, is now legend. Its like a population of lemmings, no wonder gas is so pricey.
2) I bore witness to a man get nailed by a bus, a bus hit him, there was blood, lots. Now one would think again that this was in fact an accident. While it bares the character of an accident you wonder due to the BAT SHIT CRAZY people here perhaps he was committing suicide. Shortly after that thought passes your mind you realise that this is not the case, and heres why. In Edmontonland they have no laws for Jay walking. People cross all willy nilly, whenever they want, wherever they want. Imagine China-town Toronto only random and sporadic, people infront of your car at any moment. It's almost a game, a horrible game of real life frogger! Edmonton is clearly Frogger the larp. Now I’m not one to say I don’t jay-walk, hell, I’m a Jay-walking master, but I don’t have LAWS saying its ok for me to step out in front of a car (or lack there of). The law states that if a person crosses whenever they want they have the right of way, the issue is thats about it! This combined with a complete lack of signaling, shitty road conditions and a general populace of drivers who might as well be crash test dummies seems like a BRILLIANT IDEA!
3) I saw a tumbleweed, an honest to god tumbleweed. Mind you the time during which it blew across my path I was waking up at Retard-o-clock (3 AM) to head into work. There I am, getting off the bus walking to where I get the shuttle and I think to myself in the darkness of stupidly early morn: “Man its always so dead out here, and cold, and dark.” And there, illuminated only by the sickly glow of the streetlights rolls a tumbleweed about 4 feet across… IN A FREAKING CITY!
4) And there, at a major bus terminal lay a girl’s jacket, white hoody out in the snow, mere meters away from the sidewalk in a widely public area. Now a discarded jacket isn’t what caught my eye, it was the red stain on the hood portion of the coat. Having studied special effects and being a general weirdo I know blood when I see it. That coat had blood, preserved in the near tundra that is Edmonton winter. There it remained for around 2 weeks, outside a mall, at a bus terminal. I oft questioned if I should report it, I did not. I can’t help but feel abit bad when I think of the hundreds of people passing it by every day. As the snow melted in what was a spring fake out that red faded to brown. Murder capitol of Canada indeed.
5) Cigarette butts. I have on not 1, not 2, but 3 occasions now had cigarette butts flicked at me for apparently no reason. Seriously, I’ve never had a lit smoke fired at me until I came out here! WHAT THE HELL! I'm now on constant flaming object vigil, . Perhaps people have cigarette flicking aim much like their ability to drive. Or perhaps I have it the other way around, the jackasses out here are god damn cigarette butt sharpshooters.
6) Condoms, yes you heard me, condoms. It doesn’t seem like people have sex in houses here, which I find shocking since it’s frigid as all hell. Maybe the frozen temperatures preserve men’s garbage bags-o-love better then they do in normal cities. Either way, theres oceans of Condoms. While the entire city is general dirty and covered with a gritty disgusting dust from the sand they use on the roads: The melting slow exposed that there’s garbage everywhere. But, streets and sidewalks are condom ridden; I stumble across them all the time. I’ve decided that secretly yeti are fornicating sometime deep in the night, between the ungodly hour I wake up and the rest of the world goes to sleep. Clearly the safe sex these Yeti are having has greatly reduced their numbers and there for offspring making them rare. The sun is out and this place is a garbage dump in disguise without the snow, prime yeti mating grounds.
7) Cowboys, they really exist. As do scary religous people who know little about their actual religions. As soon as the snow melted to the balmy 2 degrees out came the cowboy hats and jesus jibba jabba. Granted the one time I went out clubbing here I saw a hot girl that completely gave reason for assless chaps existance. Assless chaps, I just wanted you to know, I respect you now your forgiven for all your past sins.
8) SWEET FANCY MOSES! Crazy people, THE'RE EVERYWHERE! Normal looking folk are secretly insane, the insane are BATSHIT insane. I apparently have some crazy person magnetism out here because the fuckers seem to freaking love me. Their all over me with their filthy hobo crazy people hands like some dirty hobo on a cheap discarded bottle of wine. While I have many a tale of oddity when it comes to those who are weathered and homeless, many of the more frightening stem from your average joe. The other day myself and 4 others were walking towards a Toysr’us, for I was on a mission to get a nerf longshot (Which they managed to break my heart by not stocking it). This man, completely normal, with a guitar in hand stops and stares RIGHT AT ME. Of course, I can help but notice that he is looking through my very being with unblinking horrible eyes. I do that eye thing, you know where you look at the person who is fucking eyeing you down and look away. But you don't stop there, you look back wondering "Shit... is he still looking at me" We walk past, he yells right at me “WHAT YOUR JUST GOING TO WALK AWAY, JUST LIKE THAT! HEY I'VE GOT SOMETHIN' FER YA!” Paranoia ensues. This city is full of people that have set me on edge, I'm almost tempted to bust out some serious crazy myself as self defense, almost.
9) The beggars here you feel little pity for, they didn’t seem to exist when the temperature was down but somehow as soon as the sun came out they flocked to the streets begging for change. In toronto you would atleast see them curled up in sleeping bags, soaked in urine above a vent. Here, their like stinky unwashed ninjas, one second there not there then BAM some dudes hitting you up for a dollar. There’s a freaking work shortage out here with all sorts of jobs that will pay more then anywhere. Theres little to no excuse NOT to work out here, yet there they are. Its one thing to be homeless, for reason of the lack of housing, but begging for money is unforgiveable in this place. Here in this is a province (where you can provide the worst customer service ever) I find it hard to understand the logic. I've seen employees be rude to customers then turn around and tell their boss to die a horrible twitching death. Still they will have a job simply because they are needed! It’s crazy, I’ve seen people openly fight with each other in the service industry out here swearing a blue streak, sure enough their jobs remain. There’s no excuse for begging in this city, yet there are plenty to be seen, I would argue theres now more then there is in Toronto. Sad really, their cheap wine is extra cheap and available here.
10) LUX. Ok my reasoning for liking this place is delightfully nerdy. Yes for those comic book geeks whom share the same taste as myself will quickly figure out what I’m talking about. Here in Edmonton theres one place of note downtown, which goes by the name LUX. While grossly overpriced and posh seeming, I felt the need to try it out based on the name alone. If not intentional I must discuss this highclass restaurants interior. I went in just for giggles about the name but what I saw shocked me was the obscure nature of the decor. Positively facinating, I wondered if the owner himself knew what he had unleashed upon the unsuspecting. First off: everything is beautiful dark woods, red lights rim the restaurant from the get go. Upon entering there is a delightful glass etching of what appears to be fire with a little imagination. Around behind that you notice (with a keen eye and a little nerdyness) a large circled inverted pentagram in the floor tilework, celtic knot mind you but still. Following up the lovely dark red walls and dark atmosphere, the black leather seats are simply loungetastic. Proceeding to the bar I notice what appear to be bulls butting heads upon the mirror at the bar. They have a number of martinis as well as a frightfully full list of inspired Caesars. Food was all quite tongue in cheek (expensive as all hell) but quite tasty, thats right I had lobster and truffle mac n cheese with my meal. Still, as out of place as I am I can’t help but feel I’m the only one who ever got the reference. Mind you its likely not intentional in anyway; it’s a classy joint full of people in business suits. But everything about the place just speaks of the comics in question! Worth every penny for the shear nerd-a-tronic amusement it brings me. Kudos to those that get why this place is so damn fancy in comic refrence.
11) In bright neon letters on ever damn block there are signs that say "BAITCARS IN AREA! BREAK INTO A CAR AND GET BUSTED!!!" Now the overall happyness of these signs in color choices happy faces and explosions make these signs seem like stealing a car is some sort of game. Theres so many of these signs it looks fun! The overall excitement of these huge neon eyesores MAKES you want to get busted! Is this car the bait one... no... what about this one... nope. Seriously theres TONS of these signs. Where as the billboards your used to seeing in Toronto are now mobile here. Cars sandwhiched between billboards drive up and down the roads, and what would be billboards advertise the bait cars. So what if a billboard car was also a baitcar, clearly something fishy is going on.
Wall of text crits you for 9999 damage, you die.
As for Dell, things go well. I’m currently in the laser imaging department and for the most part enjoying it. Dell is really a great company to work for and their support is really some of the best I’ve seen. Laser printers are very complex machines and I can practically build one now. All and all the job makes the city a little more worth it, the commute and hours not so much. I've scare little free time and not much to spend it on. Currently I'm working 10 hour shifts but I get three days a week off. I’ll admit it, the job is good and all but its going to take me a very long time to like this city. With any luck I will make it back to the motherland in a few years, as for now THERE IS ONLY ZUUL!
1) Car accidents… I have seen with NO exaggeration more car accidents here then I have seen in my entire freaking life! I started off counting them, keeping a running total, I lost count due to the shear bloody amount of collisions I see each and every day. Seriously, at first I thought it was likely due to the lack of street plowing mentioned earlier, the lack of salt on the roads, the strange rock windshield destroying "sand" they place instead. Nay, people here are simply the worst drivers in Canada (maybe even the world). The only turn signals I have witnessed have been from those with out of province plates. I once thought Québec was bad; here on the other hand, is now legend. Its like a population of lemmings, no wonder gas is so pricey.
2) I bore witness to a man get nailed by a bus, a bus hit him, there was blood, lots. Now one would think again that this was in fact an accident. While it bares the character of an accident you wonder due to the BAT SHIT CRAZY people here perhaps he was committing suicide. Shortly after that thought passes your mind you realise that this is not the case, and heres why. In Edmontonland they have no laws for Jay walking. People cross all willy nilly, whenever they want, wherever they want. Imagine China-town Toronto only random and sporadic, people infront of your car at any moment. It's almost a game, a horrible game of real life frogger! Edmonton is clearly Frogger the larp. Now I’m not one to say I don’t jay-walk, hell, I’m a Jay-walking master, but I don’t have LAWS saying its ok for me to step out in front of a car (or lack there of). The law states that if a person crosses whenever they want they have the right of way, the issue is thats about it! This combined with a complete lack of signaling, shitty road conditions and a general populace of drivers who might as well be crash test dummies seems like a BRILLIANT IDEA!
3) I saw a tumbleweed, an honest to god tumbleweed. Mind you the time during which it blew across my path I was waking up at Retard-o-clock (3 AM) to head into work. There I am, getting off the bus walking to where I get the shuttle and I think to myself in the darkness of stupidly early morn: “Man its always so dead out here, and cold, and dark.” And there, illuminated only by the sickly glow of the streetlights rolls a tumbleweed about 4 feet across… IN A FREAKING CITY!
4) And there, at a major bus terminal lay a girl’s jacket, white hoody out in the snow, mere meters away from the sidewalk in a widely public area. Now a discarded jacket isn’t what caught my eye, it was the red stain on the hood portion of the coat. Having studied special effects and being a general weirdo I know blood when I see it. That coat had blood, preserved in the near tundra that is Edmonton winter. There it remained for around 2 weeks, outside a mall, at a bus terminal. I oft questioned if I should report it, I did not. I can’t help but feel abit bad when I think of the hundreds of people passing it by every day. As the snow melted in what was a spring fake out that red faded to brown. Murder capitol of Canada indeed.
5) Cigarette butts. I have on not 1, not 2, but 3 occasions now had cigarette butts flicked at me for apparently no reason. Seriously, I’ve never had a lit smoke fired at me until I came out here! WHAT THE HELL! I'm now on constant flaming object vigil, . Perhaps people have cigarette flicking aim much like their ability to drive. Or perhaps I have it the other way around, the jackasses out here are god damn cigarette butt sharpshooters.
6) Condoms, yes you heard me, condoms. It doesn’t seem like people have sex in houses here, which I find shocking since it’s frigid as all hell. Maybe the frozen temperatures preserve men’s garbage bags-o-love better then they do in normal cities. Either way, theres oceans of Condoms. While the entire city is general dirty and covered with a gritty disgusting dust from the sand they use on the roads: The melting slow exposed that there’s garbage everywhere. But, streets and sidewalks are condom ridden; I stumble across them all the time. I’ve decided that secretly yeti are fornicating sometime deep in the night, between the ungodly hour I wake up and the rest of the world goes to sleep. Clearly the safe sex these Yeti are having has greatly reduced their numbers and there for offspring making them rare. The sun is out and this place is a garbage dump in disguise without the snow, prime yeti mating grounds.
7) Cowboys, they really exist. As do scary religous people who know little about their actual religions. As soon as the snow melted to the balmy 2 degrees out came the cowboy hats and jesus jibba jabba. Granted the one time I went out clubbing here I saw a hot girl that completely gave reason for assless chaps existance. Assless chaps, I just wanted you to know, I respect you now your forgiven for all your past sins.
8) SWEET FANCY MOSES! Crazy people, THE'RE EVERYWHERE! Normal looking folk are secretly insane, the insane are BATSHIT insane. I apparently have some crazy person magnetism out here because the fuckers seem to freaking love me. Their all over me with their filthy hobo crazy people hands like some dirty hobo on a cheap discarded bottle of wine. While I have many a tale of oddity when it comes to those who are weathered and homeless, many of the more frightening stem from your average joe. The other day myself and 4 others were walking towards a Toysr’us, for I was on a mission to get a nerf longshot (Which they managed to break my heart by not stocking it). This man, completely normal, with a guitar in hand stops and stares RIGHT AT ME. Of course, I can help but notice that he is looking through my very being with unblinking horrible eyes. I do that eye thing, you know where you look at the person who is fucking eyeing you down and look away. But you don't stop there, you look back wondering "Shit... is he still looking at me" We walk past, he yells right at me “WHAT YOUR JUST GOING TO WALK AWAY, JUST LIKE THAT! HEY I'VE GOT SOMETHIN' FER YA!” Paranoia ensues. This city is full of people that have set me on edge, I'm almost tempted to bust out some serious crazy myself as self defense, almost.
9) The beggars here you feel little pity for, they didn’t seem to exist when the temperature was down but somehow as soon as the sun came out they flocked to the streets begging for change. In toronto you would atleast see them curled up in sleeping bags, soaked in urine above a vent. Here, their like stinky unwashed ninjas, one second there not there then BAM some dudes hitting you up for a dollar. There’s a freaking work shortage out here with all sorts of jobs that will pay more then anywhere. Theres little to no excuse NOT to work out here, yet there they are. Its one thing to be homeless, for reason of the lack of housing, but begging for money is unforgiveable in this place. Here in this is a province (where you can provide the worst customer service ever) I find it hard to understand the logic. I've seen employees be rude to customers then turn around and tell their boss to die a horrible twitching death. Still they will have a job simply because they are needed! It’s crazy, I’ve seen people openly fight with each other in the service industry out here swearing a blue streak, sure enough their jobs remain. There’s no excuse for begging in this city, yet there are plenty to be seen, I would argue theres now more then there is in Toronto. Sad really, their cheap wine is extra cheap and available here.
10) LUX. Ok my reasoning for liking this place is delightfully nerdy. Yes for those comic book geeks whom share the same taste as myself will quickly figure out what I’m talking about. Here in Edmonton theres one place of note downtown, which goes by the name LUX. While grossly overpriced and posh seeming, I felt the need to try it out based on the name alone. If not intentional I must discuss this highclass restaurants interior. I went in just for giggles about the name but what I saw shocked me was the obscure nature of the decor. Positively facinating, I wondered if the owner himself knew what he had unleashed upon the unsuspecting. First off: everything is beautiful dark woods, red lights rim the restaurant from the get go. Upon entering there is a delightful glass etching of what appears to be fire with a little imagination. Around behind that you notice (with a keen eye and a little nerdyness) a large circled inverted pentagram in the floor tilework, celtic knot mind you but still. Following up the lovely dark red walls and dark atmosphere, the black leather seats are simply loungetastic. Proceeding to the bar I notice what appear to be bulls butting heads upon the mirror at the bar. They have a number of martinis as well as a frightfully full list of inspired Caesars. Food was all quite tongue in cheek (expensive as all hell) but quite tasty, thats right I had lobster and truffle mac n cheese with my meal. Still, as out of place as I am I can’t help but feel I’m the only one who ever got the reference. Mind you its likely not intentional in anyway; it’s a classy joint full of people in business suits. But everything about the place just speaks of the comics in question! Worth every penny for the shear nerd-a-tronic amusement it brings me. Kudos to those that get why this place is so damn fancy in comic refrence.
11) In bright neon letters on ever damn block there are signs that say "BAITCARS IN AREA! BREAK INTO A CAR AND GET BUSTED!!!" Now the overall happyness of these signs in color choices happy faces and explosions make these signs seem like stealing a car is some sort of game. Theres so many of these signs it looks fun! The overall excitement of these huge neon eyesores MAKES you want to get busted! Is this car the bait one... no... what about this one... nope. Seriously theres TONS of these signs. Where as the billboards your used to seeing in Toronto are now mobile here. Cars sandwhiched between billboards drive up and down the roads, and what would be billboards advertise the bait cars. So what if a billboard car was also a baitcar, clearly something fishy is going on.
Wall of text crits you for 9999 damage, you die.
As for Dell, things go well. I’m currently in the laser imaging department and for the most part enjoying it. Dell is really a great company to work for and their support is really some of the best I’ve seen. Laser printers are very complex machines and I can practically build one now. All and all the job makes the city a little more worth it, the commute and hours not so much. I've scare little free time and not much to spend it on. Currently I'm working 10 hour shifts but I get three days a week off. I’ll admit it, the job is good and all but its going to take me a very long time to like this city. With any luck I will make it back to the motherland in a few years, as for now THERE IS ONLY ZUUL!