Tales from Edmonton: The third.
Here I bring you more terror, more confusion and more insanity. In the same vein as the last to posts I shall continue to discuss my observations in this cthulian city, this mountain of madness that is Edmonton. The city itself bares only cyclopean horror, with infinite vast seas of internal loathing I can't help but wonder when I the shock shall cease. The untold truth is that Edmonton was constructed over some ancient Indian burial ground in 1818 by insane cultists who worshipped some dark unholy god that shall not be named (facts may be sketchy). This unhallowed metropolis is grave indeed. It continues to astound with its alien weirdness contrasting to the life I left behind. Here my readers, do I share these observations that my eyes… and nose dare behold.
1 - Hygiene is on an all time low out here. Now it could be that perhaps I have developed a heightened sense of smell, like I’m some mutant super hero. The air out here is so fresh perhaps I was just unaware of these smells before. I’m not saying all Albertans have bad hygiene mind you, just the vast amount. I wish I was kidding (perhaps it’s where I work (around the geeks); perhaps it’s all the homeless drug addicts; maybe it’s the… no… there’s no excuse. Soap, water… go. I’m one of those people who cannot STAND the stench of unwashed bodies. People seriously need to bathe, go in the river if you have to, that’s what its there for you junkie bastards! At least I know if I’m ever attacked my best defense is soap. I can only imagine that people out here smell for the sole reason that the blind can also feel my hate for people.
2 - The Edmonton equivalent of the edge is called the bear. This station disgusts me; the djs have on a number of occasions proven to be both chauvinistic fucks and homophobic asses. Perhaps that’s their market, maybe they act like this because their customers act like this. One thing is certain though, their intolerance is intolerable. Their constant obscene prattle consists of them referring to things as gay or calling people fags and talking about picking up chicks. Seriously, guys grow the fuck up, you do have some entertaining segments but if you can pull yourself out of the high school weight room and perhaps. Now perhaps I judge because the drunken fratboy like employees of this station saw it fit to RUIN my Saint Patrick’s Day this year with their suitably unirish antics. If you’re going to go to the Irish pub at least put SOME effort into the season. Don’t blast your shitty alternative rock and grab the waitress’s asses, maybe I’m old fashioned but I find this to be appalling. There was a time in my life where watching this sort of behavior on St Pats amused me, men with awful awful fake accents using pickup lines from circa 461. Either way, these brands of assholes lacked all amusement value, I felt bad for the waitresses. I'm not much of a radio man but I miss the Edge a lot. I miss civilized society where gay bashing and drug use are kept private. But while we are on the topic of the media I've noticed a trend, being from Ontantio I've never felt any ill will for the west, maybe I'm ignorant to it. Out here though theres a constant onslaught of genuine hate towards Ontario. Heres an ad for example "We asked 10 bars in Toronto if they had heard of our beer, and they haddent... we couldnt be happier" Um thats not really good advertising there buddy. I've heard many many refrences to absolute hate towards the east coast, mostly Ontario, I never have heard ANYONE from Ontario act this way. The behaviour is saddly prolific out here, and I can't help but wonder if the 25 yearold statement of "Let the eastern bastards freeze in the dark" mentality never went away.
3 - In Downtown Edmonton (It’s hard to call it a downtown) there is a beautiful valley which I have a chance to overlook every day. From the business district suddenly it drops off down toward the river. Trees and grass are quite lovely. What you fail to see however is all the discarded needles there in. When I go to work I have to wait at this drop off and all I can do is observe. I've seen people shooting up, out there, in public like it’s the most natural thing. It breaks my heart; filthy addicts corrupt such a lovely view, one of the nicer things about this city. How is it I went my entire life without seeing anyone shooting up and out here it’s an every day occurrence? One day I accidently took the bus down into the valley and had to walk back up. On my way there in the grass I saw a total of around 6 needles. Its disgusting… it really is.
4 - Edmonton has a provincial bird: The Mosquito. Seriously the little bastards are EVERYWHERE. How can a freaking CITY with no stagnant water (there’s a rushing river right through it) breed so many of the little bastards. You leave the house and BAM, you have like 7 on you, like little stealth fighter gets hovering around waiting to strike. I'd be tempted to spray myself with deep woods off If I didnt hate the shit so much. I've been inside places downtown bzzzt *SMACK*. Walking down the Street bzzzt *SMACK*. In a god damn in closed space with no doors or windows bzzzt *SMACK*. It’s like I'm fucking camping or larping minus the… well everything good about those two things.
5 - Its hot, its cold, its rainy, it’s a tornado warning. Weather out here is fucking bizarre; it can’t make up its damn mind. It’s hard to complain, I’ll admit to a certain amount of joy to wearing my trench coat in the summer, certain jubilation that I know the entirety of Torontonians are melting in polluted humidity whist I bask in cool breezes. But it is all foreshadowing the certain fear that most dreaded winter quickly approaches. That and tornado warnings take some getting used to.
6 - Sweet fancy Moses, Jesus fish! I have never seen so many Jesus fish in all my freaking life! I saw a Darwin fish smashed in a parking lot and that just scares me on so many levels. I live in the same province as the first ever Creationism Museum. I die a little on the inside at the thought. Save me...
7 - Newspapers. Out here we have headlines like "shock and awe... over property taxes" while murders, robberies etcetera are kept for the middle of the paper. In Toronto we are more like to have a headline like "Shock and awe... after man defecates on homeless children". I've been amazed what sort of news makes the front page out here. I don't read the paper as much as I used to mind you so maybe the observations are isolated (but disturbingly consistant). What I do know is the trivial makes first page to hide the horrors that is Edmontonland. It just goes to show that the media is aware of how fucked up this place is. Then again, when a rag like the fucking SUN is your most popular paper nothing surprises me.
8 - Pot holes. HOLY HOLY HOLY SHIT! "Hey look theres homeless children in there!" Seriously the road collapsed outside, a dudes car was enveloped by the ground! I’ve seen at least 5 potholes atleast as big as a car (mild exaggeration, but damn near close). These pits of what was once pavement have yawned into a massive chasm sporting nothing but mud and tire tracks. I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire freaking life, seriously Ontario potholes have been redefined as minor pavement flaws after seeing this shit. In Ontarioland if a pothole should appear people will raise a stink (and soon there will be a road crew spending your tax dollars), here on the other hand it’s a way of life, something you accept. The roads out here are atrocious. Early last month I saw them doing half assed patch work where one dude goes around with a shovel and some gravel… yep, he shovels the gravel into the hole and pats it down. They didn’t even make an effort to close of the road, some guy with a shovel and a truck. Where is all their money going, they don’t plow the streets, they don’t maintain them, how can a provincial government be so bad, am I missing something? Months ago I witnessed that one heavy rain and the roads are pretty much fucked. They don’t provide proper drainage; I’ve seen whole roads and tunnels flooded something that could easily be fixed with an appropriate drain pipe placement or even a hole in the side of the road. But no, they don’t even close these places off, people are forced to drive straight through, water up past their tires to be able to get to their destination. I know you have a worker shortage out here but this shit is crazy. Floods, Pits, Ice Slicks it’s like some videogame.
9 - There are many wonderful dining establishments out here. I’ve spent a lot of free time seeking out the cream of the crop, hunting both drink and food. This is one of my few little pleasures, but the well is starting to run dry as most of the ones that interest me are slowly being sought out. Going to a restaurant by yourself is sort of a lonely thing to do, it feels rather awkward every time I have to order. Last time I mentioned Lux (which was exemplary) . There’s also the cheesecake cafe (dear god is this place good if not the most decadent place ever). One thing is common to all restaurants however (Lux being the exception), they all have Texas sized portions. There are venerable oceans of food that one must quest to finish. Most of the restaurants have ridiculously reasonable prices for these massive portions. That’s not all that’s big though, the physical buildings are often titanic. They all appear to have seating for hundreds YET all have hardly any business most days. I can’t count how many of these establishments I've gone to that there have been like three tables taken. That said, good food, massive portions, lots of space = no business… Edmonton truly is an aberration.
10 - There rushing in my peripheral vision a beast did appear. At first I thought it was some wild dog, a coyote or a wolf. Apparently this is not the case, Edmonton doesn’t have a stray cat or dog population and here is why: Edmonton has HUGE fucking rabbits. These monstrous rodents clearly live off a steady diet of people’s pets. I’ve seen rabbits before but these are something else. Seriously their everywhere, and their BOLD too. They will stare you down, not so timid as people would have you believe. No these creatures are ferocious! I would not test my luck against one of these hideous mutant behemoth bunnies, I worry they could kick my face off with one gargantuan taloned paw. I’m from Burlington a place ruled by the mighty black squirrel, I’ve seen bunnies before in Ontario, these dwarf our rabbits by all comparison and they breed, pardon the pun, like rabbits.
11 - WHAT THE HELL! Graphic novels out here cost a fortune! I'm used to paying American cover price, the prices out here though are worse then canadian price. I spend 85 bucks on 3 graphic novels the other day. Hideous! It's supply and demand gone topsy turvy! While a minor point it pisses me off.
And there you have it my fine friends. I wouldnt be shocked if you saw me back in Ontario sometime next year. You know when your Job is the best thing about the place you live you likely made a poor choice. I feel creatively starved, I miss so many things. Stuff however is going really very well at work, I got a raise, I'm in the top 50 agents and well they treat us pretty damn well. Met a girl, said girl ripped my heart out. Oh and I bought an Ipod, I'm offically one of those trendy fucks. Thats about it for news. Until next time.
1 - Hygiene is on an all time low out here. Now it could be that perhaps I have developed a heightened sense of smell, like I’m some mutant super hero. The air out here is so fresh perhaps I was just unaware of these smells before. I’m not saying all Albertans have bad hygiene mind you, just the vast amount. I wish I was kidding (perhaps it’s where I work (around the geeks); perhaps it’s all the homeless drug addicts; maybe it’s the… no… there’s no excuse. Soap, water… go. I’m one of those people who cannot STAND the stench of unwashed bodies. People seriously need to bathe, go in the river if you have to, that’s what its there for you junkie bastards! At least I know if I’m ever attacked my best defense is soap. I can only imagine that people out here smell for the sole reason that the blind can also feel my hate for people.
2 - The Edmonton equivalent of the edge is called the bear. This station disgusts me; the djs have on a number of occasions proven to be both chauvinistic fucks and homophobic asses. Perhaps that’s their market, maybe they act like this because their customers act like this. One thing is certain though, their intolerance is intolerable. Their constant obscene prattle consists of them referring to things as gay or calling people fags and talking about picking up chicks. Seriously, guys grow the fuck up, you do have some entertaining segments but if you can pull yourself out of the high school weight room and perhaps. Now perhaps I judge because the drunken fratboy like employees of this station saw it fit to RUIN my Saint Patrick’s Day this year with their suitably unirish antics. If you’re going to go to the Irish pub at least put SOME effort into the season. Don’t blast your shitty alternative rock and grab the waitress’s asses, maybe I’m old fashioned but I find this to be appalling. There was a time in my life where watching this sort of behavior on St Pats amused me, men with awful awful fake accents using pickup lines from circa 461. Either way, these brands of assholes lacked all amusement value, I felt bad for the waitresses. I'm not much of a radio man but I miss the Edge a lot. I miss civilized society where gay bashing and drug use are kept private. But while we are on the topic of the media I've noticed a trend, being from Ontantio I've never felt any ill will for the west, maybe I'm ignorant to it. Out here though theres a constant onslaught of genuine hate towards Ontario. Heres an ad for example "We asked 10 bars in Toronto if they had heard of our beer, and they haddent... we couldnt be happier" Um thats not really good advertising there buddy. I've heard many many refrences to absolute hate towards the east coast, mostly Ontario, I never have heard ANYONE from Ontario act this way. The behaviour is saddly prolific out here, and I can't help but wonder if the 25 yearold statement of "Let the eastern bastards freeze in the dark" mentality never went away.
3 - In Downtown Edmonton (It’s hard to call it a downtown) there is a beautiful valley which I have a chance to overlook every day. From the business district suddenly it drops off down toward the river. Trees and grass are quite lovely. What you fail to see however is all the discarded needles there in. When I go to work I have to wait at this drop off and all I can do is observe. I've seen people shooting up, out there, in public like it’s the most natural thing. It breaks my heart; filthy addicts corrupt such a lovely view, one of the nicer things about this city. How is it I went my entire life without seeing anyone shooting up and out here it’s an every day occurrence? One day I accidently took the bus down into the valley and had to walk back up. On my way there in the grass I saw a total of around 6 needles. Its disgusting… it really is.
4 - Edmonton has a provincial bird: The Mosquito. Seriously the little bastards are EVERYWHERE. How can a freaking CITY with no stagnant water (there’s a rushing river right through it) breed so many of the little bastards. You leave the house and BAM, you have like 7 on you, like little stealth fighter gets hovering around waiting to strike. I'd be tempted to spray myself with deep woods off If I didnt hate the shit so much. I've been inside places downtown bzzzt *SMACK*. Walking down the Street bzzzt *SMACK*. In a god damn in closed space with no doors or windows bzzzt *SMACK*. It’s like I'm fucking camping or larping minus the… well everything good about those two things.
5 - Its hot, its cold, its rainy, it’s a tornado warning. Weather out here is fucking bizarre; it can’t make up its damn mind. It’s hard to complain, I’ll admit to a certain amount of joy to wearing my trench coat in the summer, certain jubilation that I know the entirety of Torontonians are melting in polluted humidity whist I bask in cool breezes. But it is all foreshadowing the certain fear that most dreaded winter quickly approaches. That and tornado warnings take some getting used to.
6 - Sweet fancy Moses, Jesus fish! I have never seen so many Jesus fish in all my freaking life! I saw a Darwin fish smashed in a parking lot and that just scares me on so many levels. I live in the same province as the first ever Creationism Museum. I die a little on the inside at the thought. Save me...
7 - Newspapers. Out here we have headlines like "shock and awe... over property taxes" while murders, robberies etcetera are kept for the middle of the paper. In Toronto we are more like to have a headline like "Shock and awe... after man defecates on homeless children". I've been amazed what sort of news makes the front page out here. I don't read the paper as much as I used to mind you so maybe the observations are isolated (but disturbingly consistant). What I do know is the trivial makes first page to hide the horrors that is Edmontonland. It just goes to show that the media is aware of how fucked up this place is. Then again, when a rag like the fucking SUN is your most popular paper nothing surprises me.
8 - Pot holes. HOLY HOLY HOLY SHIT! "Hey look theres homeless children in there!" Seriously the road collapsed outside, a dudes car was enveloped by the ground! I’ve seen at least 5 potholes atleast as big as a car (mild exaggeration, but damn near close). These pits of what was once pavement have yawned into a massive chasm sporting nothing but mud and tire tracks. I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire freaking life, seriously Ontario potholes have been redefined as minor pavement flaws after seeing this shit. In Ontarioland if a pothole should appear people will raise a stink (and soon there will be a road crew spending your tax dollars), here on the other hand it’s a way of life, something you accept. The roads out here are atrocious. Early last month I saw them doing half assed patch work where one dude goes around with a shovel and some gravel… yep, he shovels the gravel into the hole and pats it down. They didn’t even make an effort to close of the road, some guy with a shovel and a truck. Where is all their money going, they don’t plow the streets, they don’t maintain them, how can a provincial government be so bad, am I missing something? Months ago I witnessed that one heavy rain and the roads are pretty much fucked. They don’t provide proper drainage; I’ve seen whole roads and tunnels flooded something that could easily be fixed with an appropriate drain pipe placement or even a hole in the side of the road. But no, they don’t even close these places off, people are forced to drive straight through, water up past their tires to be able to get to their destination. I know you have a worker shortage out here but this shit is crazy. Floods, Pits, Ice Slicks it’s like some videogame.
9 - There are many wonderful dining establishments out here. I’ve spent a lot of free time seeking out the cream of the crop, hunting both drink and food. This is one of my few little pleasures, but the well is starting to run dry as most of the ones that interest me are slowly being sought out. Going to a restaurant by yourself is sort of a lonely thing to do, it feels rather awkward every time I have to order. Last time I mentioned Lux (which was exemplary) . There’s also the cheesecake cafe (dear god is this place good if not the most decadent place ever). One thing is common to all restaurants however (Lux being the exception), they all have Texas sized portions. There are venerable oceans of food that one must quest to finish. Most of the restaurants have ridiculously reasonable prices for these massive portions. That’s not all that’s big though, the physical buildings are often titanic. They all appear to have seating for hundreds YET all have hardly any business most days. I can’t count how many of these establishments I've gone to that there have been like three tables taken. That said, good food, massive portions, lots of space = no business… Edmonton truly is an aberration.
10 - There rushing in my peripheral vision a beast did appear. At first I thought it was some wild dog, a coyote or a wolf. Apparently this is not the case, Edmonton doesn’t have a stray cat or dog population and here is why: Edmonton has HUGE fucking rabbits. These monstrous rodents clearly live off a steady diet of people’s pets. I’ve seen rabbits before but these are something else. Seriously their everywhere, and their BOLD too. They will stare you down, not so timid as people would have you believe. No these creatures are ferocious! I would not test my luck against one of these hideous mutant behemoth bunnies, I worry they could kick my face off with one gargantuan taloned paw. I’m from Burlington a place ruled by the mighty black squirrel, I’ve seen bunnies before in Ontario, these dwarf our rabbits by all comparison and they breed, pardon the pun, like rabbits.
11 - WHAT THE HELL! Graphic novels out here cost a fortune! I'm used to paying American cover price, the prices out here though are worse then canadian price. I spend 85 bucks on 3 graphic novels the other day. Hideous! It's supply and demand gone topsy turvy! While a minor point it pisses me off.
And there you have it my fine friends. I wouldnt be shocked if you saw me back in Ontario sometime next year. You know when your Job is the best thing about the place you live you likely made a poor choice. I feel creatively starved, I miss so many things. Stuff however is going really very well at work, I got a raise, I'm in the top 50 agents and well they treat us pretty damn well. Met a girl, said girl ripped my heart out. Oh and I bought an Ipod, I'm offically one of those trendy fucks. Thats about it for news. Until next time.