Bad day

[talrog]

How can one be so low so loathsome so full of self-hate? All paths leading into a darkness of one kind or another. There is no hope only despair, suffocating and engulfing all. Dying in small ways emotionally, physically, spiritually. Two steps forward leads to being drug roughly over broken glass and rusty metal back further and further. Still

Comments

[zahdi]

I don't know. I wanted to be a psychiatrist once cause I really like helping others through pain and desolation. It's like that love of seeing things made right that I wrote about in my last post.

In metaphysics, it's said that the world responds to your thoughts and your innermost desires. If you change your soul's desires, you'll see a change in what the world offers you. I see the obstacles and the message as a direct message from the world that it CAN NOT offer you any more or less than what you expect and (are secretly addicted to in terms of energy) for yourself. What I've been learning for myslef recently is that when true happiness peeks in through my dark clouds it's absolutely terrifying.

-- Zahdi has to go to D.C.

[therokenman]

So your saying he should think happy thoughts?

[zahdi]

No, asshole. "Happy thoughts" are dumb. Really dumb. I'm saying that he should wean off his addiction to depression. He should think TRUE thoughts, dipshit. Then maybe he'll see TRUTH... which might still be depressing, but at lest it'll be true.

-- Zahdi has no patience for your remarks.

[therokenman]

What is wrong with happy thoughts?

For that matter, what is wrong with civil discourse?

Oh, and what are 'true thoughts'? Or perhaps more importantly, what 'true thoughts' do you feel he should be thinking?

[talrog]

Taking this post with a grain of salt considering the self admitted drunk-posting I have this to say. What defines "TRUE" thoughts, how do you know I'm not thinking true thoughts that are also depressing. 100s of facts leap to mind that are all rather depressing and all true. So unless you have some nebulous extra-reality since for TRUTH as in the ultimate truth or pure truth or something I assure you the thoughts that I have while potentially tainted with dark are all TRUE, and it isn’t helping. The lack of self-delusion is one of the factors in depression. The world is shit…rapists get away with it…1000s died in Darfur and still are…people are insensitive to others feelings and thoughts every day…parents abuse their children…but kittens are still cute so I guess that’s cool. I see the TRUTH every day and it is only helping the darkness. The TRUTH is things suck than you die, hopefully you will have achieved enough callousness to get by and in the mean time touched and loved those around you and made some kind of difference for good.

[talrog]

I think there are a lot of people out there who do want to help those in pain, I do, however I have dealt with many, this new guy included where it has become just a job, and after years how could it not. They have to leave that stuff at work to stay sane. This”professional” is making an already difficult time for me more so (today was not the first problem, we were suppose to meet to discuss issues on his side I am unhappy with) and for various reasons I am currently at his whim for some important things.

As for my innermost thoughts and desires, while part of me may be somewhat “comfortable” with despair because it has been a norm for a while I have actively done a great deal to combat this from all sides. If it is deep-rooted subconscious desires that I have to change to get the world to cut me some slack …well than I think I’m out of luck on that one. I’m not sure how one goes about altering ones hidden self.

[zahdi]

Easy.

-- Zahdi knows a lot that she has gone through, too.

It hurts. Keep hurting Keep hurting it won't stop until you've confronted your innermost pain and stared to see what lurks. Then it still won't stop. Because you know what? Everything is you. Not just what looks good. Everything. Dig deep. Make it hurt. Dig into the festering wound and keep digging because the pus is all coming from a source. Until you can heal that, you're shit out of luck, son.

-- Zahdi should go to sleep intsead of writing things while she's drunk, but it's true.

[talrog]

I have dug deep and trust me it hurts every time, what sort of tool of diagnosis am I suppose to use to determine this source of infection. I am having a real crisis and your drunk post with half sayings and out of context blather isn't real helpful, annoying yes, helpful no.

I could go all day and spout crap like I'm some kinda expert guru and leave people with a half-hearted smile and all nodding in agreement while having no fucking idea what the hell the gibberish that was just spouted meant.

So hurting...Check...sustained hurting...check...Self-confrontation of innermost pain....um check? and I'm still hurting...what was the next step??? Healing, right easier said than done.

[zahdi]

Also, modern psychiatry kinda sucks. Try shamanism. Or Chinese Medicine. Someting holistic. I find most doctors don't bother to look beyond the surface in madern traditions, and while that bothers me, deeply, there *are* alternatives out there. Definitely you want to try someone who will acknowledge the spiritual as well as the physical - in my not so humble opinion - becuse that's the only way you're really going to get results, whether the person really "cares" or not.

-- Zahdi is going to bed now, the internet has had its chance

You see that? It's like laying out candy, I can't help trying to help people fix themselves, it's another addiction, but it's too pleasurable to let go of....

[talrog]

I am in almost complete agreement with you here. Modern psychiatry is all about pimping pills and meds till the problem is fixed, numbed, ignored, whatever its 150$ per 15 minute session. I have someone who is both a psychologist and spiritual that I am lined up to speak with and I have hope that this will be fruitful