Bad day
How can one be so low so loathsome so full of self-hate? All paths leading into a darkness of one kind or another. There is no hope only despair, suffocating and engulfing all. Dying in small ways emotionally, physically, spiritually. Two steps forward leads to being drug roughly over broken glass and rusty metal back further and further. Still breathing still…fighting? Why? When the sadness is so much that it gives way to the greed of apathy. Apathy is a greedy luxury. Not caring for loved ones, friends, the future, let alone one self. What freedom it can give. I don’t care about me or anything else… if only that were true. My sadness my failure, I’m anchored by the love of others, were it not for them for their sakes I would be long gone, but I’m a mess I don’t want anyone to have to clean up. How many times does one get up and try to fight? How far does one crawl bleeding out before its time to give up? This question comes again and again. The pain inside is so much that there is no hurting from the body, cuts and bruises just ugly decorations.
Calls for help falling on indifferent ears. Who makes a career out of “helping” those in so much pain, how could anyone bare it. I would think you would become calloused soon after that degree. Or just drown in the vomit of darkness from your “clients”.
I have been very low recently and for sometime now. I have sought help and tried different options even extreme ones. Today a professional was suppose to talk with me, listen to me and come up with some steps to take, actions to pull out of this despair. I left for the appointment giving myself over an hour of leeway, in case of traffic parking…etc. There was traffic, bad directions, no parking…all the foreseen possible obstacles, but they had been foreseen and planned for. Nonetheless I arrived minutes late to find that they had already left. The receptionist takes my phone number so that they can call me back to reschedule.
The long road home begins and long it is. Already feeling near hopeless and abandoned there is a two hour drive to look forward to. Plenty of time to linger on all the negatives. Once I get home I see there is a message waiting for me on my machine, for a moment the darkness subsides, they had called and I can reschedule…keep up the fight. I check the message and found instead it was from a local gun store. The gun I had inquired about purchasing had come in and it is even cheaper than they had thought.
So WHAT THE FUCK!!!?!? I think they call that a sign. The darkness floods in all around me, drowning in it suffocating, but part of me is mad. The sadness is replaced with rage. FUCK YOU WORLD!!! I won’t make it that simple. All of the obstacles, the setbacks, the mistakes. Every path closed all the light gone than that path is lit with a big flashing neon sign. I am mad, mad at myself, others, the world, God. So now I sit here stressed depressed, I will not give up!! So now what?