Friday, finally. Time for something lighter.
Love the stupid short anecdotes. Anything that makes you smirk with its dumbness, really. So, do share if you have any!
Two crocs were flying from flower to flower. One was green, and the other was from Africa too. One asked,
"How much does a kilo of roasted nails cost, m'dear?"
The other retorted,
"What kinda fridges are you talking about? You do know I don't smoke, right?"
A bear once dreamt at night that he was eating himself whole. When he woke up, he realized he was missing.
Johnny saw a falling star in the sky. It darted so fast, he didn't have time to come up with a proper wish.
The other morning, he found a bike with tits waiting for him at his porch.
In the near distance, a black ship shines white as snow. There on board, a young elder is standing squatting, and silently sings a merry requiem.
It sure sucks to be an egg. You get knocked up just once in your life; you need 4 minutes to get hard; and the only woman to ever sit on your face is your mom!
What do old grannies have a crush on?
Steep stairs.
What's the difference between the elephant and the drawer?
You can't shave with any of them.
Auntie Sue found a boomerang in her backyard. She spent the whole day trying to find a way to throw it away.
It's little, it's black, it sits at the border and isn't afraid of anybody. What is it?
A raven with an AK47.
It's 200 m underwater, and still flies. What is it?
A fly inside a submarine.
In the morning, Jack's mom gave him 2 dollars for breakfast. And he duly ate them.
It's black, then white, then black, then white again. What is it?
A nun falling down the stairs.
It has wings but doesn't fly. It has a beak but doesn't peck. It has legs but doesn't walk. What is it?
A dead crow.
It's brown, it lives in the desert, and it has 3 humps. What is it?
A camel with a backpack.
What would happen if you mix a cow with a turtle?
A calf with a helmet.
A green horse went into the pharmacy and asked,
"I need 100 pounds of coal, cuz I'm having a cold".
The automechanic retorted,
"Do you take this for a candy shop!?"
"Nevermind, I'm with the bike here anyway", the horse said.
It's little, and it has a little red on it. What is it?
An ant with a broken nose after a brawl.
Two drops of water came to blows after an argument which one was wetter.
A truck driver was carrying holes. A hole slipped away and fell on the road. He stopped the truck and leaned to pick up the hole, but fell in it.
It's hard to find a black cat inside a dark room, especially if there's a Rotweiler inside.
What's the name of Robin Hood's boss?
Batman Hood.
It's small, it's red, and it spills saw-dust around. What is it?
Little Red Riding Hood, giving a blowjob to Pinocchio.
Father, I have a confession. Before the wedding, we used to have sex with my dear one 15 times a day. Is this sin?
Yes, son. Lying is a grave sin.
After WW3, three crocodiles were sitting on a tree branch, and chatting.
"Hey guys, remember the time before the nuclear war, when we used to be green?"
"...And we could swim."
"Come on lads, enough talking. Let's fly off, we've got just an hour until the evening, and there's a whole field of nectar to collect".
What were the 17 blondes waiting for in front of the cinema?
The 18th one. The movie poster said, "Over 18".
Chuck Norris murdered Osama bin Laden by poking him on Facebook.
A short ad at the newspaper:
"Offering 40 freelancer jobs. Call 1-000-Ali-Baba".
A short ad at the newspaper:
"Free plastic surgery. I can make your face unrecognizable within minutes. Ask for Mike Tyson".
"This is inhumane!", the cannibals shouted with anger upon observing the vegan menu.
"Treachery! Fraud! Outrage!", the hedgehog screamed and descended from the shoe-brush, his face red with anger.
Oedipus went into a bar, and said,
"Hi, guys!"
The rest replied,
"Hi, mofo!"
How do insane people hunt rabbits?
They hide behind a tree and imitate the sound of a carrot.
What's the greatest torture imaginable?
Listening to a lawyer with a lisp questioning a witness with a stutter in front of a judge with a hearing impediment.
"Hey doc, my knee hurts".
"Mine hurts too. Bye! The next one!"
"Hey doc, I need something, you know, for the head..."
"Here's a hat. Bye! The next one!"
"Hey doc, my lower back hurts whenever I try to go up the stairs".
"Go down the stairs then. Bye! The next one!"
A cow was walking down the road, when she saw a tiny little kitten. The cow said,
"Ha! You're so small, and you've already grown a moustache!"
The kitten retorted,
"And you're so big, but you don't wear a bra!"
The lawyer concludes his speech of defense at court.
"Your Honor, t'is true that my client murdered both his mother and father in cold blood. But I beg you, please have mercy to a complete orphan!"
Random grafitti on a wall:
"Pete is shite! From Mary".
"Mary is shite! From Pete".
"Pete is Mary! From Shite".
Why don't elephants wear trainers?
Have you ever seen round trainers?
The door-bell rings.
"Who is it?"
"Jack the Ripper".
"Honey, it's for you".
An old English recipe against flue:
You put a hat somewhere in the room. You lay in bed and start drinking whisky, until the hats become two".
It comes fast, it pulls your pants down, covers you in foam, and then abandons you. What is it?
The sea wave.
How can we make an elephant come down from the tree?
Just make it sit on a random leaf, and wait for autumn.
A snail was crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling...
...In the end, a fucking bastard came along, picked it up, and put it right back on square one!
A letter from a kid:
"Dear Santa, for three years I have asked you for a fireman's truck. Please, bring me a fireman's truck this year!"
Santa's response:
"Dear kid, your tenacity annoys me to no end. So this year, while you sleep, I'll put your house on fire, and you can have all the fucking fireman's trucks in the city!"
Various ways to get drunk, fairy-tale style:
Cinderella style: You come back home with one shoe missing.
Snow-White style: You wake up with seven men in bed.
Little Red Riding Hood style: You don't remember anything for the next 100 years.
The Little Mermaid style: You smell of dead fish in the morning.
Mickey Mouse style: Your ears are swollen, you've got white gloves on your hands, but no tail-coat.
Columbus style: You don't know where you're going, but you still reach there eventually. You have no idea where you've gone, and yet the government pays for your trip.
What's a "correspondent member"?
A dick with a pen.
Eeyore was walking through the woods, when he met Winnie the Pooh, dragging a bloodied spade to somewhere.
"Pooh, what have you done with this spade?"
"I was burying Piglet".
"And what's this blood on the spade?"
"Piglet tried to crawl back out three times".
"Excuse me, what time is it?"
"A quarter past."
"A quarter past what?"
"Dunno. The short hand has fallen off".
Late at night, a house in the countryside. There's a knock at the door.
"Excuse me, do you need wood?"
"No, thanks".
In the morning, all their wood had gone missing.
Wild Wild West. Three cowboys and an Indian were sitting around the bonfire. One cowboy boasted,
"Today I killed a grizzly bear".
The other cowboy said,
"Today I killed two grizzly bears".
The third cowboy said,
"I killed five grizzly bears today".
The Indian stayed silent, seeing there was nothing he could boast about. So he just shook his head, and poked the embers in the fire with his dick.
In class, Johnny sent a note to Mary. The note was saying,
"Come to my place tonight at 8. There'll be no one home".
She nodded.
In the evening, Mary went to Johnny's place. There was no one home.
It's small, it's black, and it clinks a lot. What is it?
An ant, going to buy some beer.
A horse was making circles around a tree. He kept circling for hours, then he got tired. So he stopped for a moment, and said to himself,
"Whoah! That was one helluva turn that I just made!"
Chuck Norris can make an onion cry.
From the diary of a phlegmatic guy:
"I was walking down the street, when I heard some noise behind me, as if someone was getting beaten up. I turned around, only to realize I was the one who was getting beaten up".
Between strangers.
"Excuse me, could you please tell me what time is it?"
"What time is it?"
"Thanks."
The police were questioning a turtle who had been robbed by two snails.
"Ma'am, could you tell us exactly what happened?"
"I dunno, I dunno... It all happened so fast..."
"Mommy, I saw grandma the other day!"
"Ugh! Honey, didn't I tell you not to dig too deep in the bacyard!?"
Why can't an IT specialist go to the 14th floor in the elevator?
'Cause he always presses 1, then 4, and then starts looking for Enter.
A note at the customs in the Tel Aviv airport:
"Let's get this straight. You're not as sly as you think you are. We're all Jews in here".
"Hey doc, every time I have some tea, I feel sharp pain in my riht eye".
"Well, shouldn't you take the spoon away, first?"
What does 86, SMOPNIM stand for?
WINDOWS '98, upside down.
Two crocs were flying from flower to flower. One was green, and the other was from Africa too. One asked,
"How much does a kilo of roasted nails cost, m'dear?"
The other retorted,
"What kinda fridges are you talking about? You do know I don't smoke, right?"
A bear once dreamt at night that he was eating himself whole. When he woke up, he realized he was missing.
Johnny saw a falling star in the sky. It darted so fast, he didn't have time to come up with a proper wish.
The other morning, he found a bike with tits waiting for him at his porch.
In the near distance, a black ship shines white as snow. There on board, a young elder is standing squatting, and silently sings a merry requiem.
It sure sucks to be an egg. You get knocked up just once in your life; you need 4 minutes to get hard; and the only woman to ever sit on your face is your mom!
What do old grannies have a crush on?
Steep stairs.
What's the difference between the elephant and the drawer?
You can't shave with any of them.
Auntie Sue found a boomerang in her backyard. She spent the whole day trying to find a way to throw it away.
It's little, it's black, it sits at the border and isn't afraid of anybody. What is it?
A raven with an AK47.
It's 200 m underwater, and still flies. What is it?
A fly inside a submarine.
In the morning, Jack's mom gave him 2 dollars for breakfast. And he duly ate them.
It's black, then white, then black, then white again. What is it?
A nun falling down the stairs.
It has wings but doesn't fly. It has a beak but doesn't peck. It has legs but doesn't walk. What is it?
A dead crow.
It's brown, it lives in the desert, and it has 3 humps. What is it?
A camel with a backpack.
What would happen if you mix a cow with a turtle?
A calf with a helmet.
A green horse went into the pharmacy and asked,
"I need 100 pounds of coal, cuz I'm having a cold".
The automechanic retorted,
"Do you take this for a candy shop!?"
"Nevermind, I'm with the bike here anyway", the horse said.
It's little, and it has a little red on it. What is it?
An ant with a broken nose after a brawl.
Two drops of water came to blows after an argument which one was wetter.
A truck driver was carrying holes. A hole slipped away and fell on the road. He stopped the truck and leaned to pick up the hole, but fell in it.
It's hard to find a black cat inside a dark room, especially if there's a Rotweiler inside.
What's the name of Robin Hood's boss?
Batman Hood.
It's small, it's red, and it spills saw-dust around. What is it?
Little Red Riding Hood, giving a blowjob to Pinocchio.
Father, I have a confession. Before the wedding, we used to have sex with my dear one 15 times a day. Is this sin?
Yes, son. Lying is a grave sin.
After WW3, three crocodiles were sitting on a tree branch, and chatting.
"Hey guys, remember the time before the nuclear war, when we used to be green?"
"...And we could swim."
"Come on lads, enough talking. Let's fly off, we've got just an hour until the evening, and there's a whole field of nectar to collect".
What were the 17 blondes waiting for in front of the cinema?
The 18th one. The movie poster said, "Over 18".
Chuck Norris murdered Osama bin Laden by poking him on Facebook.
A short ad at the newspaper:
"Offering 40 freelancer jobs. Call 1-000-Ali-Baba".
A short ad at the newspaper:
"Free plastic surgery. I can make your face unrecognizable within minutes. Ask for Mike Tyson".
"This is inhumane!", the cannibals shouted with anger upon observing the vegan menu.
"Treachery! Fraud! Outrage!", the hedgehog screamed and descended from the shoe-brush, his face red with anger.
Oedipus went into a bar, and said,
"Hi, guys!"
The rest replied,
"Hi, mofo!"
How do insane people hunt rabbits?
They hide behind a tree and imitate the sound of a carrot.
What's the greatest torture imaginable?
Listening to a lawyer with a lisp questioning a witness with a stutter in front of a judge with a hearing impediment.
"Hey doc, my knee hurts".
"Mine hurts too. Bye! The next one!"
"Hey doc, I need something, you know, for the head..."
"Here's a hat. Bye! The next one!"
"Hey doc, my lower back hurts whenever I try to go up the stairs".
"Go down the stairs then. Bye! The next one!"
A cow was walking down the road, when she saw a tiny little kitten. The cow said,
"Ha! You're so small, and you've already grown a moustache!"
The kitten retorted,
"And you're so big, but you don't wear a bra!"
The lawyer concludes his speech of defense at court.
"Your Honor, t'is true that my client murdered both his mother and father in cold blood. But I beg you, please have mercy to a complete orphan!"
Random grafitti on a wall:
"Pete is shite! From Mary".
"Mary is shite! From Pete".
"Pete is Mary! From Shite".
Why don't elephants wear trainers?
Have you ever seen round trainers?
The door-bell rings.
"Who is it?"
"Jack the Ripper".
"Honey, it's for you".
An old English recipe against flue:
You put a hat somewhere in the room. You lay in bed and start drinking whisky, until the hats become two".
It comes fast, it pulls your pants down, covers you in foam, and then abandons you. What is it?
The sea wave.
How can we make an elephant come down from the tree?
Just make it sit on a random leaf, and wait for autumn.
A snail was crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling, and crawling...
...In the end, a fucking bastard came along, picked it up, and put it right back on square one!
A letter from a kid:
"Dear Santa, for three years I have asked you for a fireman's truck. Please, bring me a fireman's truck this year!"
Santa's response:
"Dear kid, your tenacity annoys me to no end. So this year, while you sleep, I'll put your house on fire, and you can have all the fucking fireman's trucks in the city!"
Various ways to get drunk, fairy-tale style:
Cinderella style: You come back home with one shoe missing.
Snow-White style: You wake up with seven men in bed.
Little Red Riding Hood style: You don't remember anything for the next 100 years.
The Little Mermaid style: You smell of dead fish in the morning.
Mickey Mouse style: Your ears are swollen, you've got white gloves on your hands, but no tail-coat.
Columbus style: You don't know where you're going, but you still reach there eventually. You have no idea where you've gone, and yet the government pays for your trip.
What's a "correspondent member"?
A dick with a pen.
Eeyore was walking through the woods, when he met Winnie the Pooh, dragging a bloodied spade to somewhere.
"Pooh, what have you done with this spade?"
"I was burying Piglet".
"And what's this blood on the spade?"
"Piglet tried to crawl back out three times".
"Excuse me, what time is it?"
"A quarter past."
"A quarter past what?"
"Dunno. The short hand has fallen off".
Late at night, a house in the countryside. There's a knock at the door.
"Excuse me, do you need wood?"
"No, thanks".
In the morning, all their wood had gone missing.
Wild Wild West. Three cowboys and an Indian were sitting around the bonfire. One cowboy boasted,
"Today I killed a grizzly bear".
The other cowboy said,
"Today I killed two grizzly bears".
The third cowboy said,
"I killed five grizzly bears today".
The Indian stayed silent, seeing there was nothing he could boast about. So he just shook his head, and poked the embers in the fire with his dick.
In class, Johnny sent a note to Mary. The note was saying,
"Come to my place tonight at 8. There'll be no one home".
She nodded.
In the evening, Mary went to Johnny's place. There was no one home.
It's small, it's black, and it clinks a lot. What is it?
An ant, going to buy some beer.
A horse was making circles around a tree. He kept circling for hours, then he got tired. So he stopped for a moment, and said to himself,
"Whoah! That was one helluva turn that I just made!"
Chuck Norris can make an onion cry.
From the diary of a phlegmatic guy:
"I was walking down the street, when I heard some noise behind me, as if someone was getting beaten up. I turned around, only to realize I was the one who was getting beaten up".
Between strangers.
"Excuse me, could you please tell me what time is it?"
"What time is it?"
"Thanks."
The police were questioning a turtle who had been robbed by two snails.
"Ma'am, could you tell us exactly what happened?"
"I dunno, I dunno... It all happened so fast..."
"Mommy, I saw grandma the other day!"
"Ugh! Honey, didn't I tell you not to dig too deep in the bacyard!?"
Why can't an IT specialist go to the 14th floor in the elevator?
'Cause he always presses 1, then 4, and then starts looking for Enter.
A note at the customs in the Tel Aviv airport:
"Let's get this straight. You're not as sly as you think you are. We're all Jews in here".
"Hey doc, every time I have some tea, I feel sharp pain in my riht eye".
"Well, shouldn't you take the spoon away, first?"
What does 86, SMOPNIM stand for?
WINDOWS '98, upside down.