Dependancy
This is going to be a completely self indulgent, I feel sorry for myself and am in a depressed mood post, hence I am cutting it for so no one has to read it unless they want to
I HATE being dependant on people, I can't tell you how much I hate it.
I have done it all my life, and it only really hit me now how much I rely on my friends and family.
Surgery has made me so dependant on my mum, I have hated it so, I can't do anything on my own pretty much, everything is a struggle, everything I do, taking a shower is a struggle, trying to get up everyday to just go to the bathroom, sitting up for a long period of time, so I spend all my time in bed.
Yeah I know, I have just had major surgery, but I have never liked being dependant on people. Last time it was so much easier, maybe I just had more people to rely on, I certainly know there was one person. I didn't notice it last time, maybe it was that person who distracted me from it... mum does too now but somehow its not the same,
This time, somehow it has been so much harder, maybe because the surgery was bigger and the recovery has not been as easy, but I find myself right now so incredibly depressed. I miss my friends, terribly, I want to be able to jump in the car and go out and just relax and see my friends and laugh and be happy. Something I have not been in a long time.
I feel as selfish as this sounds, almost forgotten, my god how can I justify saying that, when I have been so spoilt with people coming to see me, bringing me things, but I think it's just not seeing them and hearing about all the goings on good and bad and just not being there to share the fun times and console the bad. I think so much of it, that so many of them have gone away, and while I have been constanty spoilt with messages, myspace comments and emails to see how I am among numerous phone calls, I just miss their presence.
People have said to me, how can you be depressed? how can you be tired? you spend all your time in bed, yes thats true, but with that comes the pain with the recovery and guilt of having to rely on someone for almost everything.
I get so tired doing things like have a shower, I mean I was taken out to do christmas shopping today, while I was elated to be out of the house, I came home and slept for 6 hours
I think back on last time and all I can remember is being spoilt silly, being taken out for drives, being taken to their home, just a change, going for a drive just to go for a drive, I smile when I remember those times, but I also remember being so much stronger emotionally and physically.
But that again was a reliance on someone, I relied on them far too much to the point where as I was recovering they would come over after work to help me with thing like cleaning the fridge, the ironing and be there while I moaned about being in pain.
I am trying to be so strong but I am struggling, I cry at night from pain, frustration and sheer depression. I was told by my sugeon to expect it, as the surgery was so major. I try to keep myself busy by writing christmas cards, projects for christmas, reading, sleeping. Anything to make the time pass.
I put my emotional state of late down to having an absolutely massive and very hard year. Here I was thinking it would get better, what else could go wrong?
Well I failed uni completely this semester, I haven't heard about Singapore eventhough they told me to expect something on december 12.
I just want the new year to come in, there are so many things, I want to forget, and start again with, I want to lose the excess weight that has added to my unhappiness, I want a new job, I want to let go of lost love and lost friends, failed uni grades, things I have said, and done to people I truly care about and so much more.
God I long for the time I am no longer dependant on people. Thank god for my friends, and others who have truly helped me this year.
To all of you whom I relied on so very much you know who you are, I am sorry, to a few in particuluar, you also know who you are, I cannot thank you enough for your continued love and support. Without you I don't know what I would have done.
'I don't want to do this alone, I don't even know if I can' But how can I justify dependancy on so many people?
I'm so lost.
I HATE being dependant on people, I can't tell you how much I hate it.
I have done it all my life, and it only really hit me now how much I rely on my friends and family.
Surgery has made me so dependant on my mum, I have hated it so, I can't do anything on my own pretty much, everything is a struggle, everything I do, taking a shower is a struggle, trying to get up everyday to just go to the bathroom, sitting up for a long period of time, so I spend all my time in bed.
Yeah I know, I have just had major surgery, but I have never liked being dependant on people. Last time it was so much easier, maybe I just had more people to rely on, I certainly know there was one person. I didn't notice it last time, maybe it was that person who distracted me from it... mum does too now but somehow its not the same,
This time, somehow it has been so much harder, maybe because the surgery was bigger and the recovery has not been as easy, but I find myself right now so incredibly depressed. I miss my friends, terribly, I want to be able to jump in the car and go out and just relax and see my friends and laugh and be happy. Something I have not been in a long time.
I feel as selfish as this sounds, almost forgotten, my god how can I justify saying that, when I have been so spoilt with people coming to see me, bringing me things, but I think it's just not seeing them and hearing about all the goings on good and bad and just not being there to share the fun times and console the bad. I think so much of it, that so many of them have gone away, and while I have been constanty spoilt with messages, myspace comments and emails to see how I am among numerous phone calls, I just miss their presence.
People have said to me, how can you be depressed? how can you be tired? you spend all your time in bed, yes thats true, but with that comes the pain with the recovery and guilt of having to rely on someone for almost everything.
I get so tired doing things like have a shower, I mean I was taken out to do christmas shopping today, while I was elated to be out of the house, I came home and slept for 6 hours
I think back on last time and all I can remember is being spoilt silly, being taken out for drives, being taken to their home, just a change, going for a drive just to go for a drive, I smile when I remember those times, but I also remember being so much stronger emotionally and physically.
But that again was a reliance on someone, I relied on them far too much to the point where as I was recovering they would come over after work to help me with thing like cleaning the fridge, the ironing and be there while I moaned about being in pain.
I am trying to be so strong but I am struggling, I cry at night from pain, frustration and sheer depression. I was told by my sugeon to expect it, as the surgery was so major. I try to keep myself busy by writing christmas cards, projects for christmas, reading, sleeping. Anything to make the time pass.
I put my emotional state of late down to having an absolutely massive and very hard year. Here I was thinking it would get better, what else could go wrong?
Well I failed uni completely this semester, I haven't heard about Singapore eventhough they told me to expect something on december 12.
I just want the new year to come in, there are so many things, I want to forget, and start again with, I want to lose the excess weight that has added to my unhappiness, I want a new job, I want to let go of lost love and lost friends, failed uni grades, things I have said, and done to people I truly care about and so much more.
God I long for the time I am no longer dependant on people. Thank god for my friends, and others who have truly helped me this year.
To all of you whom I relied on so very much you know who you are, I am sorry, to a few in particuluar, you also know who you are, I cannot thank you enough for your continued love and support. Without you I don't know what I would have done.
'I don't want to do this alone, I don't even know if I can' But how can I justify dependancy on so many people?
I'm so lost.