Hey pig.
I refuse to do this anymore. I can't stand it. I refuse to play into your petty games and be dragged down. Please, let me go.
I hate this feeling of uncertainty. Or maybe it's just my mood getting the better of me. But I feel incredibly.......numb. I couldn't tell you when this mania is going to break, because I don't know. But I do know that I'm not going to be the obsessed one anymore. I can't, I don't want to be vulnerable all over again. I've already let you in too much, and it stops here.
Anyways, I bought the paint thinner. And promptly spilled it all over myself. It smells just the way I remember.
I got out my art book and was reading about oil painting. I mean, it's been a small while since I have oil painted [some watercolor studies and acrylic yeah, whatever].......I am wondering if I still can? It's daunting. I'm afraid. I'm afraid not only of my ability, but of the actual process and the whole whoring yourself out to the whole world. Been studying my old stuff, and it meant nothing. But the stuff I want to do, it has a lot of meaning for me. It's squeezing just the right amount of yourself onto the canvas to make a difference..but how much is safe to reveal? I dunno, I'm being stupid. But it's hard putting yourself out for the world to see. I'm still pushing ahead, no matter this insecurities and apprehensions.
I'm going to sell all of my old paintings. I've finally lost all attachment to them and they mean nothing to me. They are just pieces of me, chips that fell off and are forgotten and faded. It's a nice decision, I feel..I just hope no one can read my signature. ;-) The only thing I will miss is the feel of the paint [I like the way some of them feel].
I finally got my new clothes in. It's been awhile since I bought anything. I got a skirt and some new fishnets. [yeah, I'm almost 25 and still like hot topic, so kill me] Except I don't remember the skirt looking so short in the picture. Oh well. It's still nice!
That reminds me of this other skirt I have. It got a [rather large] hole in the back of it, so I patched it up and sewed large stiches on the rest. I thought it was kinda cool. The stitches had gradually been coming out of the sewn up section and that was okay, but the last time I washed it they ALL came out. And it was a little much. So I found two large safety pins and pinned it together. It looked fine when it was laying down. But then I got home from wearing it all day and I looked in the mirror. Much to my [non]amusement, it was still very..holey.
me: Mom! Why didn't you tell me my ass was hanging out before I left!
mom: So? Almost everyone is a fuckup out there, what does it matter if your ass is hanging out?
me: Hm. *ponders for a moment, agrees, and goes on*
Oh yeah. Those bitches at the public library emailed me and want me to come back again this year for their anime convention and do another Go demonstration *sighs immensely* Not that it's that hard, but it is definitely an inconvenience...lots of fanboys [and a few fangirls] parading around in silly attire, not really paying attention to me but knowing they just *have* to learn this game! And they are going to WIN!!! Yeah, a bunch of immature fuckups. I guess I'll do it again. It's not like I care about exposure for the club [I've totally given up hope on that], but I guess as reigning in-charge person I have to show some interest in something. And last year it was just Peter and I who showed up..of course I was the only person who DID anything. lol.
Oh yeah!!! I've had sort of some new job offers pop up the last day. This one chick this one guy knows wants to buy some of my jewelry [yeah, I make the stuff, I can't remember if I said this], for a non-profit fundraiser or something. I'm not really sure what the lady wants, but she is supposed to call me back later today. And then another guy I know wants to collaborate on some cd artwork. Sweet. Of course, this comes AFTER I fucking lose photoshop. Haha. Such is life.
I think I'm done rambling for now.
ps - I figured out how to do links in lj. Yay! *feels like a web newbie all over again*
I hate this feeling of uncertainty. Or maybe it's just my mood getting the better of me. But I feel incredibly.......numb. I couldn't tell you when this mania is going to break, because I don't know. But I do know that I'm not going to be the obsessed one anymore. I can't, I don't want to be vulnerable all over again. I've already let you in too much, and it stops here.
Anyways, I bought the paint thinner. And promptly spilled it all over myself. It smells just the way I remember.
I got out my art book and was reading about oil painting. I mean, it's been a small while since I have oil painted [some watercolor studies and acrylic yeah, whatever].......I am wondering if I still can? It's daunting. I'm afraid. I'm afraid not only of my ability, but of the actual process and the whole whoring yourself out to the whole world. Been studying my old stuff, and it meant nothing. But the stuff I want to do, it has a lot of meaning for me. It's squeezing just the right amount of yourself onto the canvas to make a difference..but how much is safe to reveal? I dunno, I'm being stupid. But it's hard putting yourself out for the world to see. I'm still pushing ahead, no matter this insecurities and apprehensions.
I'm going to sell all of my old paintings. I've finally lost all attachment to them and they mean nothing to me. They are just pieces of me, chips that fell off and are forgotten and faded. It's a nice decision, I feel..I just hope no one can read my signature. ;-) The only thing I will miss is the feel of the paint [I like the way some of them feel].
I finally got my new clothes in. It's been awhile since I bought anything. I got a skirt and some new fishnets. [yeah, I'm almost 25 and still like hot topic, so kill me] Except I don't remember the skirt looking so short in the picture. Oh well. It's still nice!
That reminds me of this other skirt I have. It got a [rather large] hole in the back of it, so I patched it up and sewed large stiches on the rest. I thought it was kinda cool. The stitches had gradually been coming out of the sewn up section and that was okay, but the last time I washed it they ALL came out. And it was a little much. So I found two large safety pins and pinned it together. It looked fine when it was laying down. But then I got home from wearing it all day and I looked in the mirror. Much to my [non]amusement, it was still very..holey.
me: Mom! Why didn't you tell me my ass was hanging out before I left!
mom: So? Almost everyone is a fuckup out there, what does it matter if your ass is hanging out?
me: Hm. *ponders for a moment, agrees, and goes on*
Oh yeah. Those bitches at the public library emailed me and want me to come back again this year for their anime convention and do another Go demonstration *sighs immensely* Not that it's that hard, but it is definitely an inconvenience...lots of fanboys [and a few fangirls] parading around in silly attire, not really paying attention to me but knowing they just *have* to learn this game! And they are going to WIN!!! Yeah, a bunch of immature fuckups. I guess I'll do it again. It's not like I care about exposure for the club [I've totally given up hope on that], but I guess as reigning in-charge person I have to show some interest in something. And last year it was just Peter and I who showed up..of course I was the only person who DID anything. lol.
Oh yeah!!! I've had sort of some new job offers pop up the last day. This one chick this one guy knows wants to buy some of my jewelry [yeah, I make the stuff, I can't remember if I said this], for a non-profit fundraiser or something. I'm not really sure what the lady wants, but she is supposed to call me back later today. And then another guy I know wants to collaborate on some cd artwork. Sweet. Of course, this comes AFTER I fucking lose photoshop. Haha. Such is life.
I think I'm done rambling for now.
ps - I figured out how to do links in lj. Yay! *feels like a web newbie all over again*