I let it get under my skin.
I really can't form complete thoughts, let alone sentences this morning, but I still want to write. [This also lets me waste time instead of making some jewelry that I *still* have to finish and deliver this afternoon. Gotta love procrastination]
I saw Mike yesterday before going to go club. He took one look at my outfit and said, "So, what's his name?" heh heh
Anyways. I fawned over Phil last night. There, I said it. I fawn. I become a complete girl in front of him, and I'm not really sure why. It just...happens. Not that I'm not a girl all the time, but it really goes into overdrive when he's around. I laugh and I smile so much my mouth hurts afterwords. He was there last night 'cause he's withdrawing from school for now [why do I feel the need to explain this?]. His moods have been swinging around a lot, and since he has a job now he said he'll finish when he needs to. Which is good because I can still see him, but I still feel bad for his moods and school. I just wish I could help him somehow.
He still confuses me. I think I confuse him, as well. The last couple of nights I've seen him I've been incredibly quiet [moreso than usual]. At least he's a chatterbox most of the time. It makes up for me acting like a dumbass. It's hard to explain. I really care for Phil, but lately...I can't say anything. And the stuff that does come out sounds completely retarded. Somehow we managed to talk for hours instead of playing [after Peter left]. I'm convinced that I'm scaring him off. Seriously. I always feel like I come off extremely stupid.
Anyways, I tried to dress normal yesterday; nothing out of the ordinary, only the hair gave it away. He said he likes my pink hair [he plays with it often enough], but I feel childish for having it. I mean come on, I'm almost 25 and I have neon pink hair. What the fuck is up with that? And I dress more immaturely than I did when I was in high school. I guess I feel like I should grow up or something. But why? I'm not sure. It's not as if my job dictates that I have to or anything. And I'll admit I like the attention. But I guess it's also just another defense mechanism for me. It's easy to look 'tough', so there's another wall.
When he got up to go to the bathroom and Peter and I began to play, Peter said, "He likes you." Shit like this does not help the matter. I just stared at him with a look of "yeah I fuckin' know shut the fuck up" and dumbfoundedness while I turned cherry red.
I think I could stare into his eyes forever; I could just fall in and drown. In fact, I may have a few times last night...They glitter and sparkle and are so sincere, and they are the most gorgeous shade of blue I have ever seen. He totally enraptures me and I totally give in, even though I said I wasn't going to. I just can't help myself.
He makes me want to better myself, if that makes any sense. I guess he makes me feel good about myself, which in and of itself is an enormously hard feat to accomplish. I can't remember the last time I felt good about myself. He makes me want to quit all this self destructive bullshit and quit throwing away every good opportunity I've ever had in my life [I've thrown a lot away in my time]. I'm ready to quit wallowing in my own self-pity and move on with my life. At least I've grown up a little.
I saw Mike yesterday before going to go club. He took one look at my outfit and said, "So, what's his name?" heh heh
Anyways. I fawned over Phil last night. There, I said it. I fawn. I become a complete girl in front of him, and I'm not really sure why. It just...happens. Not that I'm not a girl all the time, but it really goes into overdrive when he's around. I laugh and I smile so much my mouth hurts afterwords. He was there last night 'cause he's withdrawing from school for now [why do I feel the need to explain this?]. His moods have been swinging around a lot, and since he has a job now he said he'll finish when he needs to. Which is good because I can still see him, but I still feel bad for his moods and school. I just wish I could help him somehow.
He still confuses me. I think I confuse him, as well. The last couple of nights I've seen him I've been incredibly quiet [moreso than usual]. At least he's a chatterbox most of the time. It makes up for me acting like a dumbass. It's hard to explain. I really care for Phil, but lately...I can't say anything. And the stuff that does come out sounds completely retarded. Somehow we managed to talk for hours instead of playing [after Peter left]. I'm convinced that I'm scaring him off. Seriously. I always feel like I come off extremely stupid.
Anyways, I tried to dress normal yesterday; nothing out of the ordinary, only the hair gave it away. He said he likes my pink hair [he plays with it often enough], but I feel childish for having it. I mean come on, I'm almost 25 and I have neon pink hair. What the fuck is up with that? And I dress more immaturely than I did when I was in high school. I guess I feel like I should grow up or something. But why? I'm not sure. It's not as if my job dictates that I have to or anything. And I'll admit I like the attention. But I guess it's also just another defense mechanism for me. It's easy to look 'tough', so there's another wall.
When he got up to go to the bathroom and Peter and I began to play, Peter said, "He likes you." Shit like this does not help the matter. I just stared at him with a look of "yeah I fuckin' know shut the fuck up" and dumbfoundedness while I turned cherry red.
I think I could stare into his eyes forever; I could just fall in and drown. In fact, I may have a few times last night...They glitter and sparkle and are so sincere, and they are the most gorgeous shade of blue I have ever seen. He totally enraptures me and I totally give in, even though I said I wasn't going to. I just can't help myself.
He makes me want to better myself, if that makes any sense. I guess he makes me feel good about myself, which in and of itself is an enormously hard feat to accomplish. I can't remember the last time I felt good about myself. He makes me want to quit all this self destructive bullshit and quit throwing away every good opportunity I've ever had in my life [I've thrown a lot away in my time]. I'm ready to quit wallowing in my own self-pity and move on with my life. At least I've grown up a little.