You are the branch within my reach.
(posting this on feb. the second because lj wasn't letting me post before.)
This whole week was campmeeting at church, and we went on all nights except for Monday night and tonight, and we decided not to go to any of the day meetings. I believe these to be the longest meetings I've ever sat through in my life, longer than even campmeeting three years ago. The longest one this week was from about seven until about ten after one in the morning. So about a six hour church service. But the Spirit was there, and we tarried--oh, we tarried--and it was glorious at times. The shaking, weeping people; the laughter; the uproar as suddenly the crowd felt the power of God; the impromtu hymns and songs. It was long, but there were moments were eternity seemed to rest on our shoulders like a covering of morning light, even in the midnight hour. One could not leave; it was too lovely. Church was four hours this morning and I sincerely thought it had been two. I am now ruined with patience for long services. ^-^
Cast is tomorrow. I still feel a shaken about it, like something is not quite right, and that maybe I should be doing something else. But the horror of it is over; the desolate feeling has dulled, though there is still a recognition in me that something is wrong about it. The best is that I can sleep now. I sifted slowly and carefully through every word of campmeeting in order to find something that would bring me peace. I don't know why, but I had the most awful feeling that this was the end of peace for me. That is a lie, but it seemed true even though I knew it was a lie. I spent a long time absolutely plunged into wrestlings with despair. But I grew weary of it. I think I'm at the point now where it doesn't scare me. I have seen what lies in the darkness but the real fear of it has weakened. God is always there, but the more I cry out to Him the more comfort I get.
I don't want to think about Cast right now. There is a feeling in me that something wonderful will happen. My mother has said that she thinks I won't regret it, that in the end it will be a blessing and not a curse. And I have steadied my heart on her words and not on the worry that steals away sleep. And yet I don't want to go through the motions, I must put my whole heart into this. But if I do, I am still aware that there is no going back. The emotional wounds of taking upon yourself someone else's pain, along with your own, are deep and haunting. The echo of your own pleading words in character during practice find you even at the drug store or at church. It has taken days to recover for me in the past. And so I don't want to think about it because it is painful when I act. It is a birthing process of the soul. And I am simply trying to get sleep at night. I have no desire to probe the inner emotions of tormented Russian Jews at two in the morning, and yet, if I'm not careful, I am in Anatevka, weeping, praying, pleading, laughing, singing, all past the midnight hour. Only it is mixed in with despair for myself and my fellow actors because this is going to be the hardest thing we have done. But there should be no despair, not now.
I may once again try my yearly plan of some kind of fast in the summer, where I eat only soup and become a semi-ascetic and read spiritual books constantly. Though I want to be a hobbit, or at least live like one. That is becoming my deepest wish. I would really to just eat simple things and read and write a lot, and not be so plugged into the internet all of the time, and curl my hair a lot more than I do, and dress like a hobbit boy, because they wear bright-colored waistcoasts with brass buttons, and lovely jackets, and dark-colored trousers. I could eat much too much mushrooms and finally sit down and practice my Tengwar and find some quiet. And then go on some kind of adventure, one which I know not the details of at present. :)
If anything, pray that I can get through everything calmly and wisely and that no one gets hurt in any way during all of this. I know this will be one of the things I smile about when I am old and grey-haired, but for now, it still looms heavy in my mind.
This whole week was campmeeting at church, and we went on all nights except for Monday night and tonight, and we decided not to go to any of the day meetings. I believe these to be the longest meetings I've ever sat through in my life, longer than even campmeeting three years ago. The longest one this week was from about seven until about ten after one in the morning. So about a six hour church service. But the Spirit was there, and we tarried--oh, we tarried--and it was glorious at times. The shaking, weeping people; the laughter; the uproar as suddenly the crowd felt the power of God; the impromtu hymns and songs. It was long, but there were moments were eternity seemed to rest on our shoulders like a covering of morning light, even in the midnight hour. One could not leave; it was too lovely. Church was four hours this morning and I sincerely thought it had been two. I am now ruined with patience for long services. ^-^
Cast is tomorrow. I still feel a shaken about it, like something is not quite right, and that maybe I should be doing something else. But the horror of it is over; the desolate feeling has dulled, though there is still a recognition in me that something is wrong about it. The best is that I can sleep now. I sifted slowly and carefully through every word of campmeeting in order to find something that would bring me peace. I don't know why, but I had the most awful feeling that this was the end of peace for me. That is a lie, but it seemed true even though I knew it was a lie. I spent a long time absolutely plunged into wrestlings with despair. But I grew weary of it. I think I'm at the point now where it doesn't scare me. I have seen what lies in the darkness but the real fear of it has weakened. God is always there, but the more I cry out to Him the more comfort I get.
I don't want to think about Cast right now. There is a feeling in me that something wonderful will happen. My mother has said that she thinks I won't regret it, that in the end it will be a blessing and not a curse. And I have steadied my heart on her words and not on the worry that steals away sleep. And yet I don't want to go through the motions, I must put my whole heart into this. But if I do, I am still aware that there is no going back. The emotional wounds of taking upon yourself someone else's pain, along with your own, are deep and haunting. The echo of your own pleading words in character during practice find you even at the drug store or at church. It has taken days to recover for me in the past. And so I don't want to think about it because it is painful when I act. It is a birthing process of the soul. And I am simply trying to get sleep at night. I have no desire to probe the inner emotions of tormented Russian Jews at two in the morning, and yet, if I'm not careful, I am in Anatevka, weeping, praying, pleading, laughing, singing, all past the midnight hour. Only it is mixed in with despair for myself and my fellow actors because this is going to be the hardest thing we have done. But there should be no despair, not now.
I may once again try my yearly plan of some kind of fast in the summer, where I eat only soup and become a semi-ascetic and read spiritual books constantly. Though I want to be a hobbit, or at least live like one. That is becoming my deepest wish. I would really to just eat simple things and read and write a lot, and not be so plugged into the internet all of the time, and curl my hair a lot more than I do, and dress like a hobbit boy, because they wear bright-colored waistcoasts with brass buttons, and lovely jackets, and dark-colored trousers. I could eat much too much mushrooms and finally sit down and practice my Tengwar and find some quiet. And then go on some kind of adventure, one which I know not the details of at present. :)
If anything, pray that I can get through everything calmly and wisely and that no one gets hurt in any way during all of this. I know this will be one of the things I smile about when I am old and grey-haired, but for now, it still looms heavy in my mind.