so its been awhile
and shit has been weird.
for the longest time, i have been so upset about graduating, literally, i just cant seem to let it go. the thought of leaving my friends, leaving zack, leaving home, jesus, it just scared the shit out of me so much. and to a certain degree it still does. especially on days like today when the brown coach calls me and says, ummm i was just wondering what you are looking at for classes, a.k.a. im just making sure you arent overhwleming yourself at this school which is going to be much more then you bargained for. overanalyzing much, perhaps.
anyway, ive just been really broadsided by the fact i am now being released into the big real world and thrusted out of my comfort zone.its weird, its different, and im not yet too sure if i like it. but we will have to see, you never know when it comes to this shit i guess.
anyway, as if these feelings werent enough, i was also caught off guard by a seriously fucked up situation with my track coaches after new englands. seriously, after this incident, which is way wayyy too long to describe here, i really think i lost a certain amount of trust and respect for the world. honestly, i told these coaches, these adults, that i cared for their views, trusted in their visions and would aide them in whatever they wanted me to do. and in the end, what happens, i get fucked in the ass. seriously, its so stupid.
moving on, it seems after i lost that respect for humankind, i seemed to bury myself in a hole. especially after i started my track workout for brown, it seemed as if i was so keen on just occupying myself with my two jobs and gym time. fuck my friends, fuck my boyfriend, fuck my family, fuck everything, just get me the fuck out of here. honestly, for weeks thats all i have wanted to do, is just get the fuck out. i have lost all emotional attachements, all desire to see my friends, call them , text them back. anything. i was just so god damn lost.
so then i go to michigan, oh how i love the midwest. went to michigan, relaxed physically, not so much emotionally, reflected a little. it actually took a friend of mine to wake me up a little. see i never thought that people would miss me, really, we are all biusy enough with life, i figured they had their own jobs, own friends, own shit going on. they didnt need me, just like i didnt need them. and the i was enlightened, thanks jan.
anyway, leading until now, i feel alright, like finally the aftershock at the end of the year is leaving me. im okay with moving on, but i want to do it on my own terms. i want to leave my friends on good terms, i want to leave conditioned for track, i just want to leave in a good way.andd i can, and i will.
and that makes me happy, and so does this new laptop, amazzzzing.
for the longest time, i have been so upset about graduating, literally, i just cant seem to let it go. the thought of leaving my friends, leaving zack, leaving home, jesus, it just scared the shit out of me so much. and to a certain degree it still does. especially on days like today when the brown coach calls me and says, ummm i was just wondering what you are looking at for classes, a.k.a. im just making sure you arent overhwleming yourself at this school which is going to be much more then you bargained for. overanalyzing much, perhaps.
anyway, ive just been really broadsided by the fact i am now being released into the big real world and thrusted out of my comfort zone.its weird, its different, and im not yet too sure if i like it. but we will have to see, you never know when it comes to this shit i guess.
anyway, as if these feelings werent enough, i was also caught off guard by a seriously fucked up situation with my track coaches after new englands. seriously, after this incident, which is way wayyy too long to describe here, i really think i lost a certain amount of trust and respect for the world. honestly, i told these coaches, these adults, that i cared for their views, trusted in their visions and would aide them in whatever they wanted me to do. and in the end, what happens, i get fucked in the ass. seriously, its so stupid.
moving on, it seems after i lost that respect for humankind, i seemed to bury myself in a hole. especially after i started my track workout for brown, it seemed as if i was so keen on just occupying myself with my two jobs and gym time. fuck my friends, fuck my boyfriend, fuck my family, fuck everything, just get me the fuck out of here. honestly, for weeks thats all i have wanted to do, is just get the fuck out. i have lost all emotional attachements, all desire to see my friends, call them , text them back. anything. i was just so god damn lost.
so then i go to michigan, oh how i love the midwest. went to michigan, relaxed physically, not so much emotionally, reflected a little. it actually took a friend of mine to wake me up a little. see i never thought that people would miss me, really, we are all biusy enough with life, i figured they had their own jobs, own friends, own shit going on. they didnt need me, just like i didnt need them. and the i was enlightened, thanks jan.
anyway, leading until now, i feel alright, like finally the aftershock at the end of the year is leaving me. im okay with moving on, but i want to do it on my own terms. i want to leave my friends on good terms, i want to leave conditioned for track, i just want to leave in a good way.andd i can, and i will.
and that makes me happy, and so does this new laptop, amazzzzing.