Update - Life - Sept. 11th 2011
Well, I was surprised to find that I had actually posted something recently.
I know I haven't been keeping up with this Blog/journal/ whatever it is.
I never seem to keep up with these things, for whatever reason.
Previously
I nearly DIED this summer.
first my guts quick working entirely.
THEN the heat set in.
I nearly died from the heat alone.
Along with this our air conditioner kept flunking out. THANKFULLY it's permanently fixed now.
So currently I am alive, but for how much longer I don't know.
I keep comin' so damn CLOSE to dying, and then not kicking. It's given me a fear complex now. I don't know how soon I'll die, and when, nor how it'll happen.
I've been TERRIBLY ILL my WHOLE LIFE now, and my physical condition just keeps getting worse. Slowly, bit by bit worse. like going up a slight incline.
Even though there may be hills and valley's some being very large, overall I'm becoming sicker and sicker, and getting CLEARLY closer and closer to the end of my life.
I don't like this, and have been PRAYING FERVENTLY for a cure.
So far I have not been given an answer.
I don't know if I will.
So far it looks like Jesus Christ will not be answering my prayers and curing me. :-(!!!! This GREATLY GREIVES me and FRIGHTENS ME!
It also has made me bitter and set me against my God- Jesus Christ. :-(!!!!!
Sorry about the earlier posts, about the sex toy stuff. ... But really I apologize to myself. They really were sick, dirty, I suppose, and worthless, but hey, *shrug!* I needed to know, and was curious. and why not put a reminder somewhere that won't get wiped out just cause the current computer I have access to flunks out, or what have you. :-(!!!!! That and I was HOPING to help someone else out. Along with this I have a very I thought UN-biased view simply because I am an A-Sexual.
PLEASE don't see me as some sick and dirty person. I'm not. and I learned that virgins don't need that crap. It's ENTIRELY W O R T H L E S S. *nod!* :-/!!
Now I truly wish I could wipe them all out, the previous posts about sex toys. Granted this was a new area and I was curious. *shrug!* but being an A-Sexual, it was worthless, of course. My meager attempt to be "normal" and like all the other sexuals in the world. My sister said every woman has these things and uses them. Well, apparently I am NOT like all the other women out there.
Heck I'm ENTIRELY A-Sexual now. :-(!!!!!
Yes, I WAS when I was young BEYOND OVER H O R N Y. But now, illness has stolen every last shred of sexual want I used to have. That and old age, I'm sure. I'm 31 now, so yeah.
I was also WISHING AND NEEDING, hoping, that getting those damn things were going to take away my EMOTIONAL and HEART and SOULS N E E D for a SoulMate Husband. No such thing happened. Instead it left me just as bad off as I was.
I am am STILL in HELL, NEEDING a man to complete me. A soul who would unite with my soul and be there for me, take care of me, and love me as his very soul.
I know that men are incapable of this. That they are MADE or BORN, BIOLOGICALLY to NOT be capable of LOVE nor of having ANY kind of TRUE Emotion; AT ALL. :-(!!!!
And well ... I just can't bare that.
(And NO. you Can NOT count Hornyness as an emotion. It's NOT. >X-P!!!!!)
It DEEPLY GREIVES me that men are NOT biologically capable of love of ANY kind, at least not Like a Woman is. :-(!!!! This has TRULY DESTROYED ME :-(!!!! and ALL the other women out there that I KNOW of :-(!!!!!
I have been NEEDING and WANTING to commit suicide lately-(hell my WHOLE LIFE NOW, since I was 12 AT LEAST) simply because of this problem.
Being so damn ill this summer made me NEARLY Do it. And really I SHOULD HAVE. I have nothing but to GAIN from committing suicide, and really it would GREATLY H E L P my parents out.
BUT, because my Mom would be so GREATLY GREIVED by this I haven't ... yet.
I keep PRAYING that she'll be okay with it, when I finally break down and at least TRY it, or hell even SUCCEED at it, but yeah.
Along with this, I cannot get a job.
During college, and High School my parents didn't want me working. So I didn't, mainly. I got a few jobs here and there, but they never lasted. NOW, I am unable to find a job. So!
Currently
So far I have at the moment rearranged my room. It's totally thrown me off. Horribly. I plan on changing it back SOON. Or As Soon As Possible.
Secondly, and I'm so darn GREATFUL that NO ONE reads this. cause I really DON'T need any more grief then I'm getting hell, just by what I'm going through.
The economy is crap, everyone knows this. But I am one of the millions upon millions who have been unemployed, and am currently unemployed. No matter how far and hard I look I cannot find a job. :-(!!!!! Not ONE. HELL I was refused a cashiering job just recently, all because of my bad credit, more then likely.
An
d this bring sup another problem.
I have now, about $10,000 dollars of debt on my head from being rushed to the E.R. during the last semester of college.
So far because of this NO ONE WILL HIRE ME. :-(!!!! this coupled with me not having worked in over two years now means NO ONE WILL EVER HIRE ME AGAIN.
it is TRUE, companies are now discriminating against those who have not been working. and they will continue to do so. this means I am literally going to live off my parents until THEY die. At which time I'll be HOMELESS, as in CAST OUT ON THE STREET. I Can't get a job to support myself AT ALL. And Since I can't-hell even if I was able to get a job and work at it, and manage to KEEP it till and after my parents died would only mean that I STILL would not be able to support myself. The ONLY job open to me now, IF AT ALL, is RETAIL. And Retail does NOT pay enough for a person to live. = keep a roof over their head, buy food, clothes, toiletries, and get their car, or some large appliance fixed when need be.
I also have NO chance at getting a husband, nor friends.
:-(!!!!!
And friends WON'T give you money when you need it, and you DON'T want that kind of thing separating you and friend. ... Of course if they won't help you out financially then you won't have them as a friend any longer cause you'll be moved onto the street, and *shrug!* where will that get you. :-(!!!!!
Anyway, that's where I'm at.
Also, one last thing.
I just realized as I'm editing this that it's 9/11 … My cousin Chad died from being a “first responder” volunteer to the Twin Towers. He flew out there and was a volunteer.
He died just this past March 5th from an extremely ODD and RARE kind of cancer in the lungs, at the age of 35 because of the stuff he inhaled while at “ground 0”/ “Ground Zero” … so yeah. :-(!!!!
Rest in peace my cousin Chad.
Rest in Peace, and even though I didn't know you really, I still am grieved by this, and love you dearly. :-(!!!!
Amen. :-(!!!!!
Tactless Truth