Vent Post: P Strikes Again
More drama with P. No joke. I'm ready to bang my head against a wall out of frustration.
So, remember how, in the previous entry, I chronicled arranging a new situation with the daycare because they feel H is "too advanced" for the daycare curriculum and he needs to be bumped up to the preschool? But that it would require a five-day commitment and funds that neither we nor P had? And all the fun I had in arranging it so that funds were covered and all P would have to do was agree to get him there on Thursday and Friday and picked up, but I'd be willing to help make that happen?
That actually took place about a week ago. So for a week, P has been acting like she's on board, or at least had the opportunity to tell us she doesn't want to go through with it. But has she uttered a word? Nope.
Instead, last night, she sent me a text message that she is "really irritated" about how I "handled" everything and that she "should be the first, not the last" person to know about anything related to H. She went on to say that I crossed a line by talking to the daycare and enrolling him, and that my justifications don't hold water because I'm always butting in and justifying it later, and she's felt this way for a long time.
I just stared at my phone for a few minutes after receiving that.
Let's look at this logically:
1. The most important thing to be stressed is that my duty is to B first. Not only is he H's father, he's my husband. Unless my relationship with him is somehow threatening H's well-being, he comes first, not P.
2. As I mentioned in the previous entry, she wants us to have him Sunday through Wednesday, rather than Wednesday through Friday. It's written into our contract we have to give the daycare "reasonable notice" of any switches in schedule, with the implication being 30 days. I have to follow the contract. She knows that, having had to do the same thing when she un-enrolled him earlier this year. So even though I obviously did go, intending to talk to the daycare about scheduling, they talked to me about bumping him up, not the other way around. I also stressed that it had to be discussed among all of us parents, which the daycare director was totally fine with. So it isn't like he was enrolled, as she stated.
3. I can see the argument that I should have talked to her before Martyr, except that Martyr pays the cost of the daycare. There is no point in even having the discussion with P if Martyr doesn't agree to continue picking up the bill. And since we've been doing some musical chairs about that issue lately, it was important to get it nailed down first, of which P is well aware. Not to mention that P pulled H out of daycare allegedly for financial reasons. Even removing our financial back-and-forth with Martyr about our part, I certainly didn't want P to be wedged in a corner of saying "No" if she couldn't afford it.
4. Communication has been a MAJOR issue lately. Enough that B talked about it with her on Saturday, and she basically dismissed her obligation to be in communication with us or more available. You may recall we have been having problems getting her to drop H off at the appropriate time or even be reachable when we need to get in touch with her. She doesn't really have a leg to stand on to indict my "failure to communicate" when the odds were very much in my favor that she wouldn't have responded to begin with.
:
"Hmm. I think you have received some miscommunications. I didn't sign him up. I went to the school to notify the director that we were changing the days that we would be sending him, from Thursday and Friday, to Monday and Tuesday. She said that she had been thinking about it and wanted to switch him to the preschool. I listened to what she had to say, and while I let her know that I agreed with her arguments, I also told her it needed to be a joint decision and required a discussion amongst us parents.
However, since the bill is being paid by Martyr, it honestly didn't make sense to talk to you if she was not going to agree to pay for it in the first place. I didn't want you to feel like you would have to say no, due to your financial situation, and we're simply not in a place where we could cover the deficit, either. So I asked Martyr to step up to cover the cost, making it a more workable proposition for everyone.
I can understand that you feel like you were the last to know. I would have spoken to you myself, but I asked B to do it that day because I was actually rushing off to a therapy session and just did not have time. Logistics required that to be the outcome, but please understand that H is not formally enrolled at this time.
If you have objections, we should definitely talk about them, but I really view parenting H as a team effort and have no desire to circumvent that. Truly. So I apologize if you felt left out of the loop, or if you feel that decisions were made without your input. Honestly, that is not the case here. I value the progress we have made and would not want that to get set back for anything."
And her response:
"Your actions completely contradict your words. You talked to the school about the preschool program, you set up the entire money situation, you went and discussed with DH the logistics of driving SS here if needed, you absolutely decided every aspect of the situation without me. Then you completely justify what you did by saying that it made sense to talk to everyone else first. I feel like you take over and then justify your actions. Whether it makes sense to you or not I should always be the first person you discuss anything that has to do with H. This is not the first time I felt like you did something behind my back and then just said to me well it made sense to do it that way."
So I replied with:
"I don't understand why this coming up almost a week later, when you had opportunity before now to share your feelings on the subject. I also don't appreciate that you are acting like you were left out of the loop, when you were given notice of the discussion immediately after the payment issue had been cleared. There was maybe a delay of 20 minutes from the initial conversation with the daycare to when you were made aware of it. That's certainly not an unreasonable amount of time.
We can disagree about how things were ultimately executed, but we obviously can't undo them and I have already apologized for how those actions have made you feel. I'll let the personal attacks slide, because you are obviously upset, but given the considerable communication difficulties I've had even getting in touch with you over the last few months, I think you're being pretty unfair and suggest the discussion be tabled until it can be discussed without emotional interference.
I suggest tomorrow at my house--I will also ask B to stop by so that we can get this worked out. Since H is not currently enrolled in the preschool program, should we decide that is not the action we want to pursue, there will be no ramifications on his continued participation in the daycare program, but some scheduling details will have to be re-worked. See you tomorrow."
I'm not sure what disgusts me more. The fact that I handled her with total tact and she responded with nothing but personal attacks, or her blatant hypocrisy. Remember, around H's birthday in August, she informed us that H would be attending a super-ritzy prep school in her area. It was presented in a way that made it very clear we didn't have a choice in the matter. Now, it's possible she was striving for comedic effect or something, but it didn't really come across that way, and when we stated we could not cosign on a school that charges thousands of dollars per month just in tuition, she said she'd already talked to her mom about it, and her mom was going to cover the deficit.
So...can somebody please help me understand what the difference is, other than we actually gave her the opportunity to weigh in on the preschool switch versus how she told us we didn't have a choice about H's more formal schooling?
And again, the communication. This, just DAYS after she told us she cannot be more available to communicate because she doesn't control her reception or her work schedule.
I can't believe after how I have literally bent over backwards to accommodate her, this is how she's behaving. Keep in mind that I started taking H on Wednesdays to help HER.
Joke's on her, though. If she doesn't agree to pushing him up into preschool, we won't agree to switching the schedule so that she has him on Wednesdays through Fridays, because the daycare doesn't even have openings on Mondays and Tuesdays. And I will not keep H home with me on those days when I believe he needs more than what I can give him--he needs more attention, more education, and more socialization. The window of opportunity for me to play stay-at-home mom to him closed years ago, and she made sure that that was the case.
So, remember how, in the previous entry, I chronicled arranging a new situation with the daycare because they feel H is "too advanced" for the daycare curriculum and he needs to be bumped up to the preschool? But that it would require a five-day commitment and funds that neither we nor P had? And all the fun I had in arranging it so that funds were covered and all P would have to do was agree to get him there on Thursday and Friday and picked up, but I'd be willing to help make that happen?
That actually took place about a week ago. So for a week, P has been acting like she's on board, or at least had the opportunity to tell us she doesn't want to go through with it. But has she uttered a word? Nope.
Instead, last night, she sent me a text message that she is "really irritated" about how I "handled" everything and that she "should be the first, not the last" person to know about anything related to H. She went on to say that I crossed a line by talking to the daycare and enrolling him, and that my justifications don't hold water because I'm always butting in and justifying it later, and she's felt this way for a long time.
I just stared at my phone for a few minutes after receiving that.
Let's look at this logically:
1. The most important thing to be stressed is that my duty is to B first. Not only is he H's father, he's my husband. Unless my relationship with him is somehow threatening H's well-being, he comes first, not P.
2. As I mentioned in the previous entry, she wants us to have him Sunday through Wednesday, rather than Wednesday through Friday. It's written into our contract we have to give the daycare "reasonable notice" of any switches in schedule, with the implication being 30 days. I have to follow the contract. She knows that, having had to do the same thing when she un-enrolled him earlier this year. So even though I obviously did go, intending to talk to the daycare about scheduling, they talked to me about bumping him up, not the other way around. I also stressed that it had to be discussed among all of us parents, which the daycare director was totally fine with. So it isn't like he was enrolled, as she stated.
3. I can see the argument that I should have talked to her before Martyr, except that Martyr pays the cost of the daycare. There is no point in even having the discussion with P if Martyr doesn't agree to continue picking up the bill. And since we've been doing some musical chairs about that issue lately, it was important to get it nailed down first, of which P is well aware. Not to mention that P pulled H out of daycare allegedly for financial reasons. Even removing our financial back-and-forth with Martyr about our part, I certainly didn't want P to be wedged in a corner of saying "No" if she couldn't afford it.
4. Communication has been a MAJOR issue lately. Enough that B talked about it with her on Saturday, and she basically dismissed her obligation to be in communication with us or more available. You may recall we have been having problems getting her to drop H off at the appropriate time or even be reachable when we need to get in touch with her. She doesn't really have a leg to stand on to indict my "failure to communicate" when the odds were very much in my favor that she wouldn't have responded to begin with.
:
"Hmm. I think you have received some miscommunications. I didn't sign him up. I went to the school to notify the director that we were changing the days that we would be sending him, from Thursday and Friday, to Monday and Tuesday. She said that she had been thinking about it and wanted to switch him to the preschool. I listened to what she had to say, and while I let her know that I agreed with her arguments, I also told her it needed to be a joint decision and required a discussion amongst us parents.
However, since the bill is being paid by Martyr, it honestly didn't make sense to talk to you if she was not going to agree to pay for it in the first place. I didn't want you to feel like you would have to say no, due to your financial situation, and we're simply not in a place where we could cover the deficit, either. So I asked Martyr to step up to cover the cost, making it a more workable proposition for everyone.
I can understand that you feel like you were the last to know. I would have spoken to you myself, but I asked B to do it that day because I was actually rushing off to a therapy session and just did not have time. Logistics required that to be the outcome, but please understand that H is not formally enrolled at this time.
If you have objections, we should definitely talk about them, but I really view parenting H as a team effort and have no desire to circumvent that. Truly. So I apologize if you felt left out of the loop, or if you feel that decisions were made without your input. Honestly, that is not the case here. I value the progress we have made and would not want that to get set back for anything."
And her response:
"Your actions completely contradict your words. You talked to the school about the preschool program, you set up the entire money situation, you went and discussed with DH the logistics of driving SS here if needed, you absolutely decided every aspect of the situation without me. Then you completely justify what you did by saying that it made sense to talk to everyone else first. I feel like you take over and then justify your actions. Whether it makes sense to you or not I should always be the first person you discuss anything that has to do with H. This is not the first time I felt like you did something behind my back and then just said to me well it made sense to do it that way."
So I replied with:
"I don't understand why this coming up almost a week later, when you had opportunity before now to share your feelings on the subject. I also don't appreciate that you are acting like you were left out of the loop, when you were given notice of the discussion immediately after the payment issue had been cleared. There was maybe a delay of 20 minutes from the initial conversation with the daycare to when you were made aware of it. That's certainly not an unreasonable amount of time.
We can disagree about how things were ultimately executed, but we obviously can't undo them and I have already apologized for how those actions have made you feel. I'll let the personal attacks slide, because you are obviously upset, but given the considerable communication difficulties I've had even getting in touch with you over the last few months, I think you're being pretty unfair and suggest the discussion be tabled until it can be discussed without emotional interference.
I suggest tomorrow at my house--I will also ask B to stop by so that we can get this worked out. Since H is not currently enrolled in the preschool program, should we decide that is not the action we want to pursue, there will be no ramifications on his continued participation in the daycare program, but some scheduling details will have to be re-worked. See you tomorrow."
I'm not sure what disgusts me more. The fact that I handled her with total tact and she responded with nothing but personal attacks, or her blatant hypocrisy. Remember, around H's birthday in August, she informed us that H would be attending a super-ritzy prep school in her area. It was presented in a way that made it very clear we didn't have a choice in the matter. Now, it's possible she was striving for comedic effect or something, but it didn't really come across that way, and when we stated we could not cosign on a school that charges thousands of dollars per month just in tuition, she said she'd already talked to her mom about it, and her mom was going to cover the deficit.
So...can somebody please help me understand what the difference is, other than we actually gave her the opportunity to weigh in on the preschool switch versus how she told us we didn't have a choice about H's more formal schooling?
And again, the communication. This, just DAYS after she told us she cannot be more available to communicate because she doesn't control her reception or her work schedule.
I can't believe after how I have literally bent over backwards to accommodate her, this is how she's behaving. Keep in mind that I started taking H on Wednesdays to help HER.
Joke's on her, though. If she doesn't agree to pushing him up into preschool, we won't agree to switching the schedule so that she has him on Wednesdays through Fridays, because the daycare doesn't even have openings on Mondays and Tuesdays. And I will not keep H home with me on those days when I believe he needs more than what I can give him--he needs more attention, more education, and more socialization. The window of opportunity for me to play stay-at-home mom to him closed years ago, and she made sure that that was the case.