Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 15
Happy birthday, sickbritkid!
It's been a while since I've done anything with Hogwarts Exposed, but I don't give up that easily. Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 15 is one of those chapters that doesn't seem too bad (by Hogwarts Exposed standards) at first glance, almost to be filler before what I know is to come, but actually reading it showed that it was every bad thing Hogwarts Exposed has thrown at us so far distilled into one chapter of fail. Not unlike Deserving Chapter 48. It's no coincidence that it's here I decided I was due a break.
Without further ado, however, here's the whole bloody thing.
Tony and Amanda had allowed Alex and Jamie to take the lead as they made the return journey to Hogwarts castle. "How did it go?" Amanda asked, her hand trembling in Tony's firm but sweaty hand.
"Okay, I guess," he answered disconsolately. "We were able to schedule the procedure. It's just that I wish there was another way."
"So do I," Amanda said squeezing Tony hand tightly, "but we've been over this hundreds of times.
This being Hogwarts Exposed, I don't doubt it.
This is our only way out."
Apart from getting a day pass from pushover!Snape to go to a clinic in the nearest Muggle town, of course. Or even sneak out of school: if an idiot like Dick the dick can manage it, anyone can. Except that was in Exposed Chapter 23, which nobody seems to have remembered even happened. Especially not the author.
"No, I wouldn't," Alex said, guiltily. "Jamie, I can't tell you what I was actually doing. Tony asked for my help and swore me to secrecy."
"I didn't think we had any secrets from each other," Jamie said, sounding extremely hurt.
It's not that they don't have secrets from each other so much as there's no point when she can just read his mind.
"Jamie, please trust me on this," Alex begged. "I don't like keeping anything from you, but it's imperative that I maintain Tony's trust so I'm kept aware of what is transpiring."
Behold, the authentic dialogue of a teenage boy. If he happened to be a Vulcan, that is.
Jamie squeezed Alex's hand, looked him in the eye and said pleading, "Please, just tell me that Amanda isn't pregnant."
Alex looked at Jamie, amazed at her intuitiveness.
Why is he amazed at her intuitiveness? Hasn't it already been established that she can read minds? And hasn't he known her for five years? What's left to be amazed about?
"I thought we'd never get them to leave," Emily said as she turned away from the closed door. "Especially Randy," Caitlin added. "He seemed genuinely concerned about Kim."
Or else genuinely Randy.
"I think he fancies her even bald," Emily said. "Do you think you can help her, or should we wait for Mum?"
"My regeneration powers are much stronger than Mum's," Caitlin said with conviction.
I don't doubt it: "HE!Hermione" and "strong" are not words that naturally go together. ITWATN!Hermione is Hermione in name only, but at least the "shit wizard" she got overpowered by twice had a wand. HE!Hermione was nearly killed by a schmuck who didn't even have a wand in a situation she'd never have been put into had she not been outwitted by Crabbe and Goyle. She's still the worst Hermione I've ever featured.
"I hope so," Emily said, optimistically. "She can't spend the rest of her life in the loo crying."
But as a Hogwarts Exposed character, she can spend the rest of her life crying.
"Suppose you try to get her to come out while I clean up the place." Caitlin suggested. "It will be hard enough explaining Kim being hairless.
Because it's not like they live in a magic school where spell mishaps are an everyday occurrence.
Slowly, the door opened, and Kim stepped out. The girl was naked except for her skirt, which instead of being belted around her waist was instead secured at eyebrow level so that it hid her hairless head.
What happened to her robes? Anyway, Caitlin regrows Kim's hair with her Sue powers. Actually making a full scene of it is pointless, because these powers had already been established and using them to regrow hair when they can bring people back from the almost-dead is trivial.
"Your wish is my command," Caitlin said as she continued stroking Kim head. Within a minute, Kim had beautiful silky hair that extended to the desired length.
"You look absolutely breathtaking," the voice said. "I haven't seen hair that long and lovely since I was owned by Lady Godiva."
"Who's there?" Kim asked, nervously looking around the room.
"That's just the mirror," Emily said, matter-of-factly.
"Your mirror talks," Kim asked, her voice sounding shocked. "Can it see us?
"I don't actually see, but rather reflect," the mirror said, answering Kim's question.
"This writing is horribly redundant," szaleniec1000 said, complaining about the redundancy of the writing. Also, Kim has already met the Mirror of Ytidun, albeit offscreen.
"I don't think I'll ever get completely accustomed to the magical world," Kim said anxiously.
"Can we go back in the other room where there are no mirrors to watch us?"
"Sure," Caitlin answered accommodatingly.
She accommodated Kim's request accommodatingly. Yes, we really needed that clarifying.
"Are you sure?" Emily asked out of concern. "Will you be okay with Denise and Janice seeing you like you are?"
Denise and Janice, those terrifying villains who are the scourge of all Hogwarts. Or not.
"After what happened to me today, I think I can handle just about anything," Kim said, smiling for the first time since she had been rendered bald.
At that moment, the door opened. Harry and Hermione having returned from Hogsmeade.
Harry and Hermione, having returned from Hogsmeade, did what? Where's the rest of this sentence? Has it fallen down the plot hole?
Neither was stunned to find the girls in their quarters, but they were staggered by Kim's hair. "How did your hair become so long?" Hermione asked, obviously flabbergasted at the sight. "Did you cause it to grow longer?" Her first thought was that Kim had Animagus abilities.
Because being an Animagus is inherent, and apparently lets people grow their hair. I think the author might be confusing it with a Metamorphmagus, especially having already retconned Tonks into the story.
"I don't think I've every seen anyone with hair that length before," Harry said, finding it hard to not stare at Kim.
But, this being HE!Harry, not as hard as if she'd still been naked.
"You never cease to amaze me young lady," Hermione said, putting her arm around Caitlin. "Is there no limit to your abilities?"
Why is Hermione so amazed by this when she's seen plenty of more dramatic instances of Caitlin's super-special-awesome healing powers, including with herself on the receiving end?
"Mum, speaking of my abilities, can I start giving you full body massages?" Caitlin asked. Everyone just gazed at Caitlin questioningly.
A rare instance of Hogwarts Exposed characters actually reacting in a realistic way to something.
"Why on earth would you suggest doing such a thing?"
"... you mediocre dunces!"
"Actually, Madam Pomfrey initially planted the idea in my head the other day when she was training me on how to control my hyperempathic abilities," Caitlin explained.
Caitlin has lessons on how to control her Sue powers from Madam Pomfrey. Not that we've actually seen this happen. The continuity of Hogwarts Exposed is a complete mess, in that characters forget about scenes that have actually happened (or entire chapters in the case of Exposed 23) and scenes that have happened aren't shown. It's like the author wrote lots of separate stories with the same basic concept and constructed Hogwarts Exposed by stringing together a random assortment of scenes from each of them.
"We started to talk about you and what part I might take in the delivery of the baby, if allowed. She talked about some of the negatives of childbirth, such as varicose veins, stretch marks, and the premature sagging of breasts."
Yes, because when it comes to the potential complications of pregnancy and childbirth, the purely cosmetic ones are the most important. I hate this fic.
"What does any of that have to do with giving Mum massages?" Emily asked impatiently.
"Pomfrey says that if a woman receives full body massages at least twice a week from a hyperempath, she won't experience any of those problems," Caitlin explained.
Harry looked questioningly at Hermione, as if to seek verification.
"Is that true, Mum?" Emily inquired excitedly. "You should let her do it. Why take the chance of losing that gorgeous body if it's not necessary?"
Although he didn't say a word, Harry's face seemed to show agreement.
Of course he agrees, fuckwitted misogynist that he is.
"But I love you," Caitlin sobbed. "I'm your daughter. Mothers and daughter should help each other, when they can."
Hermione wrapped her arm around Caitlin's shoulder. "But you have helped me," Hermione answered. "If it hadn't been for you, I would have died last year."
And yet she's more amazed by her making someone's hair grow.
Caitlin looked at Hermione disappointedly. "I didn't realize it was a once and done thing. I was hoping that you'd always be there for me and that I could always be there for you, not only in life threatening situations."
Hermione looked to Harry for support, but could immediately tell by his expression that on this issue he seemed to be siding with Caitlin.
Was there ever any doubt? See: "misogynist, fuckwitted".
"I'm not vain," Hermione said, truthfully. "I like to exercise and take care of myself physically, but I realize age, gravity and babies change a person's body. I'm not going to look in a mirror and cry if my breasts aren't quite as perky or I have a few stretch marks. My only concern is that I safely deliver a healthy baby."
This perfectly reasonable argument is supposed to be the wrong side of the issue. That's all you need to know about how Hogwarts Exposed treats women.
"But why should you let that happen when I can prevent it?" Caitlin practically begged.
Hermione studied Caitlin's face carefully. "This means an awful lot to you, doesn't it?" she asked. "Why are you so concerned if I look a little older?"
"Because," Caitlin paused, "although you're my Mum and I'll always love you as such, when I'm your age I want people to think you're my sister like they do now with you and Jamie. Besides, I think it's neat that Dad can't tell you and Jamie apart when he's blindfolded.
LOL, Harry can't tell his wife and his adopted daughter apart! Yay, it's "neat" and fun and wacky and not at all ephebophilic!
"Oh! Can Kim and I watch?" Emily asked excitedly.
Why would you ever think that was appropriate? Anyway, the Mirror of Ytidun demands to speak to Hermione in private.
"Do you remember when we had the conversation about how it would drive people mad if they worried about how each action they took affected their life and that of others?" the mirror inquired.
"Yes! I remember that," Hermione answered, extremely concerned where this conversation was leading.
She's not the only one.
"I should take my own advice," the mirror said gloomily. "Miss Thatcher is going home for Christmas. Nothing you or anyone else can do will prevent that from happening. During her holiday, her stepfather will try to take advantage of her."
If this was the ITWATN universe, they'd now be perfectly justified in killing him for a crime he's not committed yet.
Hermione was aghast. "But certainly it can be avoided! I'll get the Headmaster. You can tell him what you've seen. We can make her stay here at Hogwarts."
"Sadly, some possible futures show you trying to do just that, but to no gain. The mother is a Muggle. She will not believe anyone and insists her daughter be allowed home.
And, despite being a Muggle, would somehow be able to enforce her will on the wizarding world. Actually, this being HE!Snape, I can believe it.
It will happen; we can not stop it."
From context, what the mirror is actually saying is that they cannot stop it (i.e. they're unable to stop it), not that they can not stop it (i.e. it's their choice whether they stop it or not).
"No! That can't happen," Hermione demanded. "We just can't sit back and let this happen. Certainly, not all her futures show lack of hope."
"All but a very few. That is why I felt the need to talk to you."
If you absolutely must throw a child abuse storyline in there, there are so many less ridiculous ways to do it than have it introduced by an unaccountably precognitive talking mirror. Because when you're dealing with legitimately serious issues, "ridiculous" isn't a word you want anywhere near. The scene mercifully cuts short here.
"Alex, how can you expect me to just sit by and not do anything?" Jamie shouted, frustration coating her every word. "Amanda may no longer consider me her best friend, but I still care about her."
"Don't say that," Alex scolded. "Amanda loves you."
"She certainly has an odd way of showing it," Jamie said with frustration. "Why didn't she tell me she was pregnant?
Why didn't your super-special-awesome mind reading powers tell you?
I could have gone to Hermione and gotten her some proper help."
Alex put his arm around Jamie and pulled her closer. "That's exactly why she didn't tell you," he said consolingly. "They didn't want her or the Headmaster or their parents knowing. They want to take care of it themselves."
Apparently, Hermione's first instinct when people confide sensitive personal issues to her is to go running to Snape of all people.
"Take care of it themselves? What do you mean take care of it themselves? Jamie asked, looking dubiously at Alex. "You make it sound like they're planning to abort the pregnancy."
Now she remembers she's psychic.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
These date stamps become infinitely better if you imagine the day of the week being spelled out by some random piece of scenery.
Harry and Hermione had not spoken to anybody about their get-together with Luna Lovegood. Although Luna left them with the impression that the magazine would not be distributed, she had to contact her father, who owned the publication, for final approval.
Xenophilius Lovegood the pornographer. They read a report in the Daily Prophet in which Justin Finch-Fletchley (do they have any other reporters?) recaps the Playwizard subplot, finishing off with:
This reporter must confess that he was somewhat looking forward to seeing the attractive professor displayed au natural, but applauds Playwizard for their courageous and undoubtedly costly decision.
Even Justin is a barely restrained pervert in this fic.
As Hermione handed the Daily Prophet to Harry, he noticed something he hadn't seen in nearly two months; his Mione had regained the smile he loved so much.
This probably wouldn't sound so creepily possessive in any other fic, except possibly ITWATN, but when the fic has already paraded its horrible gender issues earlier in the same chapter it does. "Mione" can still die in all the fires, of course.
Hermione blushed, as she wiped a tear from her eye. "Do you think that now we'll be able to get back to a normal life?" She asked Harry after the applause subsided.
"I think, Mione," Harry said, giving his wife a smile, "that you and I will never come to know the true meaning of a normal life."
Especially not if she turns him into a toad for calling her "Mione" once too often. Cut to a dark and stormy night morning before the Quidditch match.
"Of course, they'll play," Harry said groggily, as he opened his eyes. "Quidditch is never canceled because of the weather. Don't you remember me playing during that horrible storm in third year? I thought one of us would either be blown off our broom or be hit by lightning."
Hermione shivered at the memory. "I'd rather forget that game," she said, fretfully. "When the dementors caused you to fall off your broom, I thought you'd be killed." She hugged Harry tightly. "I wouldn't admit it to myself, but I think I already loved you back then."
"We were both quite young and didn't even realize what love was," Harry said. "My feelings for you have always been more than simple friendship. I always knew you were special, but I never realized how special until I almost lost you."
Ah yes, classic Harmonian poppycock straight from the LoPEF "Hermione gave Harry a hug before he went to get the Stone, that means twu wuv 4ever!!!1" mould. For all the author claims to be influenced by Paradigm of Uncertainty, I really don't see it. Part of what makes that the best Harry/Hermione fic I've read is the way it shows the natural development of a relationship between two adults, not rushing to retcon any and every friendly interaction they had as children as a sign of budding romance but still remaining informed by their canon characterisations.
Although Harry and Hermione were both now standing in front of the window totally exposed, they had little fear of being seen, for they couldn't see more than two feet outside of the window. As they looked about, they felt as if they were floating in a cloud. Not only couldn't they see any of the castle grounds, but also they were unable to see any other parts of the castle.
"I've never seen such a thick fog," Harry commented. "If this doesn't thin out before the game, it will be total pandemonium."
"We could probably watch from here and get just as good a view of the game," Hermione said sarcastically.
Yes, it's really sarcastic to point out that it's hard to see in fog.
"Are you nervous?" Kim asked, as she watched Emily squirm and pull at her clothes.
"Not especially," her friend answered. "It's this sodding Quidditch outfit. It's so bulky and restrictive. I don't know how they expect a person to move about in it, and all this cloth creates a wind drag. It would be so much better if we all flew naked."
She could go ahead and fly naked in bad weather in Scotland in November, and the others could take bets on how long she survives.
"Good morning Aunt Hermyme, Uncle Harry," Timmy said excitedly.
Oh fucking joy of joys.
"Horrible day for Quidditch," Harry said, sounding irritated.
"Yes, Severus and I were just discussing the weather," Ron answered.
Yeah, Ron will just stop for a lovely chat with his bestest mate "Severus", just like that.
"The sensible thing would probably be to postpone the game, but scores of parents and relatives are already here. Many don't like to Apparate and, therefore, fly in ahead of time and spend the evening in Hogsmeade."
Ron Weasley has many wonderful qualities, but caring about the sensible thing to do isn't one of them. He leaves that sort of thing to Hermione, and everyone's probably a lot better off for it.
"I'm going to the Idditch game, Aunt Hermyme," Timmy stated proudly.
Yes, we get it. He's a kid with an inconsistent speech impediment and no impulse control, who the author clearly thinks we'll find adorable but couldn't be more wrong. Actually, "wrong" is the key word in this equation. Like every character in Hogwarts Exposed, he reads as though written by someone who's vaguely aware of things that humans do but has no idea why we do them. Think of it as cargo cult psychology. It's just that much more creepy when it's a toddler.
Hermione simply shook her head in disbelief. To her mind, nothing justified playing a Quidditch game under these conditions.
If you recall from the last time Quidditch made an appearance in the story, the author has inflated Hermione's vague amusement with how obsessed Harry and Ron are with Quidditch into an outright disdain for anything to do with it and a clear implication that only family loyalty keeps her attending matches.
She was about to say so when the owls entered the Great Hall with the morning mail.
"Nothing seems to prevent the owls from making their deliveries," Sam commented as a large barn owl swooped near her and deposited a letter next to Hermione.
"Big birdies," Timmy exclaimed as he quickly slipped off his mother's lap and sought refuge under the table.
I somehow think a boy who lives with his witch mother and wizard stepfather knows what an owl is by this point.
Sam stared at the letter Hermione was holding. "That's Muggle mail isn't it?" She asked after noticing stamps pasted on the front.
"Yes," Hermione replied. "Harry and I both have acquaintances in the Muggle world, so we maintain a post office box in Hogsmeade. An owl then delivers any mail we receive there."
Hermione quickly opened the letter and began reading it as the others continued to discuss the Quidditch game. Hermione didn't notice Severus approach and put his hand on Ron's shoulder.
"It's from Michelle Wolfskill," Hermione said excitedly after finishing reading the letter. At first Harry simply stared at Hermione questioningly, then he smiled with recognition.
"Michelle from Cap d'Adge?" He asked. "What caused her to write?"
"It seems that instead of going to Cap d'Adge this summer, they are going to take a cruise," Hermione said. "Michelle says a number of the people we met will be going, and she wondered if we would be interested or knew anyone else that might be."
"A cruise," Harry said, thoughtfully. "I've always wanted to go on a cruise and now that your job is secure.... What do you think of the idea, Mione?"
This, I'm guessing, is the infamous nudist cruise that's cropped up a few times in the comments.
"I love it," Hermione said, excitedly. "I'm sure the girls will be thrilled, too! Michelle sent all the information. Let's discuss it as a family and see what they think."
"See what who thinks?" Ron questioned, after finishing his discussion with Severus.
What purpose, exactly, did Ron's discussion with "Severus" serve in this scene? We get no indication of what was said, why it was said or even the basic topic.
"Harry and Hermione are considering going on a cruise this summer with the girls," Sam said, envy evident in her voice.
Yes, thanks for recapping what happened a few lines ago.
"Sam and I were talking about possibly going on a cruise as a sort of a honeymoon," Ron declared. "Wouldn't it be fun if... Nah, I guess you guys wouldn't want us around."
"Nonsense, I think it would be wonderful if we all went," Hermione said, hesitantly. "It's just that...."
"You think Ron and I should discuss it together before making a decision," Sam said, interrupting Hermione.
You know, I think I could have worked out for myself that speaking in the middle of someone else's sentence constitutes an interruption.
"I should get out there, too," Ron said, giving both Sam and Timmy a hug and kiss before excusing himself and scurrying off.
"Sam," Hermione said, uncertainly. "You do realize that this is a naturist cruise, don't you?"
"That's one of the reasons why I'm so excited about going," she replied slyly. "I just haven't quite figured out how to break the news to Ron yet."
"Hey, Ron, do you want to go on a naturist cruise with me?" followed by respecting his wishes if/when he declines might be a good idea, so we're unlikely to see it in this fic. We get a scene in which Gryffindor and Slytherin set aside their differences, that tries to be dramatic but comes out horribly saccharine and will probably be forgotten the next time we need a designated villain in Hogwarts.
As the hug ended, Jamie noticed that Doris' eyes were watering. "Is something wrong," she asked with unease.
"No," Doris said, a tear dropping from her eye. "Something is right. For the first time since I've been at Hogwarts, I've been hugged and wished good luck by someone who wasn't doing it out of house loyalty or for personal gain, but rather because they sincerely meant it. It feels good."
Jamie gave Doris another brief hug before the balance of the team whisked her off.
But of course. MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 41
When they reached the castle entrance, it was evident that the fog hadn't lessened. Visibility was still practically non-existent, as too was the path leading to the Quidditch pitch. It looked more like a well-trodden swamp than a path.
"Wait," ordered Hermione. "I'm not about to try to walk through that slop." Hermione took out her wand. "Sam, if you'll just hold Timmy and then take Harry's hand."
Sam did as instructed and then watched as Hermione uttered an incantation that produced what looked like a large electrically charged saucer beneath their feet. Slowly, it lifted them about a foot off the ground.
"Do you have room for one more?" Draco asked, as he burst out the castle door.
Hermione and Harry exchanged questioning glances as Timmy yelled, "Hi Double D."
Brace yourselves for the impending explanation of "Double D", because it's at least as idiotic as you're probably thinking.
"Hi Draco," Sam said in a pleasant voice.
Without waiting for Hermione or Harry to respond to his request, Draco jumped onto the magical plate and grabbed Hermione's free hand. "I assume you know how to maneuver one of these?" Draco asked, with his usual sarcasm.
"We're about to find out," Hermione said, confidently as she pointed her wand in what she thought was the general direction of the Quidditch pitch. The group, still holding hands, started to float across the sodden grounds.
"Where do you learn how to do all these spells?" Sam asked with admiration.
This is a good contender for the most dense thing anyone has said in Hogwarts Exposed so far, which is saying something.
"I read a lot," Hermione answered to laughs from both Harry and Draco. "It's just a variation on lengigum leviso.
Which is what, exactly? Apart from a wrongly uncapitalised spell incantation?
"Are you going to your first Quidditch game, Big Guy?" Draco asked Timmy.
"Yes! Did you play Idditch, Double D?" Timmy inquired of Draco.
"Idditch" as a mangling of "Quidditch" doesn't ring true, because Timmy's other dialogue (such that it is) has shown that he can pronounce the /k/ and /w/ phonemes fine, so it's more likely that /kw/ would be corrupted to /k/ or /w/ than elided entirely. This is a solid example of what I mean when I call his speech impediment inconsistent. I freely admit I might be wrong, because early years isn't my specialism, but it doesn't feel right.
"Yeah! I played a little. Didn't do too badly either, except when I played against him." Draco indicated Harry. "I never saw anyone as lucky as your uncle at Quidditch."
Harry didn't say anything, just smirked and shook his head.
Hermione gave Sam a questioning look, "What is a double D?"
Malfoy answered before Sam had the opportunity. "Come now Granger, certainly you know your own cup size."
Ha fucking ha. My sides ache.
Harry probably should have responded callously to Draco's remark about Hermione breasts, but he was too busy laughing as Hermione blushed.
Why would telling someone off for making rude comments about his wife's breasts make him callous? If anything, I'd have thought the opposite.
"Draco, you're such an ass," Sam said. Although it was evident that she was also trying to stifle a laugh. "It stands for Daddy Draco. Once Draco started seeing Timmy regularly on weekends, we had a problem with what Timmy should call him. Calling both Ron and Draco daddy would be confusing, so Draco came up with Double D."
"I thought it was cute - until now," Sam said straight faced. "I didn't realize Draco only came up with it so that you would both be a Double D."
Hogwarts Exposed takes the Draco Trilogy thing of Draco as a sex fiend and runs with it, and I can't decide whether his creepiness is intentional or not. The author can't seem to make his mind up whether Draco is supposed to be evil: maybe he was in some of the stories that got cut and pasted to form Hogwarts Exposed but not the others.
Even Hermione and Draco couldn't help but laugh as they traversed the fog covered ground. Considering how much they'd grown with her pregnancy, her breasts might indeed now qualify for that distinction.
With this author and his obvious fixation, I'm surprised they didn't already.
"Where is Ginny?" Hermione asked, as the group started climbing the stairs to the viewing stand.
"She's staying at the Burrow for the weekend," Draco answered, his face taking on a furrowed expression. "It seems that our, 'on-again, off-again', relationship is in an off-again phase."
And she's evidently not banging "Severus" either, because he's right there at the match.
"This is going to be an extremely difficult game to play," Ron said, frustration evident in every word. He knew the players were gathered around him because of the misty lights that surrounded him, but he couldn't make out one single solitary face.
"The Headmaster has placed a spell on the hoops so that they will chime whenever a goal is scored. Also, the Quaffle will emit a blinking white light and the Bludgers will shine a constant red." Ron sighed. "Unfortunately, I doubt you will have much time to react, but then again I think the Beaters will be hard put to find a target."
Wouldn't it have made more sense to give the Quaffle a red light and the Bludgers something else, considering that it's red anyway?
"Now, I want a nice fair game," Ron said to the shrouded players surrounding him.
"Excuse me, sir," said a timid bodiless voice, which Ron recognized as Emily's.
I love it when characters with hardly any solid characterisation at all still manage to be OOC. Because I can't see Emily being timid under any circumstances whatsoever.
"Will the Golden Snitch be illuminated in any way?"
"Yes, but it will only intermittently blink varying colors," Professor Weasley responded.
Why is Ron suddenly Professor Weasley now but at no other point in the chapter?
The seventh year Ravenclaw game announcer, Jason Turner, squinted as fifteen misty lights rose up, high, high, higher into the air. "It would seem that they're off," he said, not the least bit assuredly. "I would imagine that someone might have located the Quaffle by now, and if so, he or she is probably trying to find the proper set of hoops."
Jason had no more than spoken when the sound of a gong vibrated the air. He held his notes to his eyes. "Gong is Slytherin, bell Hufflepuff. It sounds as if Slytherin has scored. I wish I could tell you who or if the Keeper even tried to stop them," he said with frustration. Another gong sounded. "That was fast," Jason commented. "Someone did something to get the Quaffle back. Slytherin 20, Hufflepuff 0."
"Mummy, what is he talking about?" Timmy asked. "I can't see the Quabble or anybody on a broom.
"But I can now pronounce the letter Q!"
How does he know...?"
Without warning, Draco pushed Samantha and Timmy to the floor as a red streak narrowly missed hitting them both.
It's Sonic the Hedgehog in disguise.
"Thank you," Sam said, rather flustered as she got back to her feet and tried to calm Timmy. "If it hadn't been for you, we'd be spending the game in the hospital."
"Glad I was here," Draco responded unemotionally. "I can't believe that idiot Beater, hitting a Bludger near the stands with this visibility.
That doesn't sound very unemotional. Also, it trails off without so much as a close quote.
"That makes the score Slytherin 300 and Hufflepuff 340," Jason Turner said disgustedly, three hours later. "This is a high scoring game. It's a shame none of us got to see any of it. I wonder if the Keeper from either team has even tried to block a goal?"
If she hadn't been astride a broom, Emily probably would have fallen asleep during the first two hours of the game. Not only hadn't she seen a sign of the Golden Snitch, but also no other players had even come near her. She had actually reached the point where she wished someone would bat a Bludger in her direction just to give her something to do. Finally, about an hour ago, Doris Burke had checked on her, asking if she had even caught a glimpse of the Golden Snitch. Emily was comforted when told that none of the other players had spied it either.
That was then. Now, the only thing Emily could think about was using the loo. Don't they ever take a time-out for a piss! Emily's bladder felt like it was on the verge of bursting. She made a pledge that she would never, ever again drink as much milk and juice before a game as she had today.
You know, considering that Quidditch matches can last for days, there probably are toilet arrangements.
Once more she wished she were flying naked. It might not seem very lady-like, but she could just fly over the Forbidden Forest and relieve herself.
In this visibility, she could just lift her robe and take a piss right now and nobody would be any the wiser.
She wondered enviously if any of the male players might have done this even now. At times like these, she could see definite advantages in being male.
In a break with badfic tradition, she hates that she doesn't have a cock.
Anyway, she sees the Snitch and:
Unexpectedly the Snitch pulled out; so did Emily. She felt her leg brush the ground as she leveled off. It was now or never; she slid up as far as possible on her broom. Emily wrapped her legs tightly around the broomstick and stretched both arms toward the Snitch. She grabbed for it just as a Bludger glanced off her left shoulder and hit her directly in the jaw. Emily winced with extreme pain as she was hurled from her broom and buried face down in the muddy pitch. She groaned as she felt her bladder lose control just before she passed out.
Okay, who the hell read Chapter 10 of Chamber of Secrets and thought, "You know, what this scene is really missing is piss!"?
It's been a while since I've done anything with Hogwarts Exposed, but I don't give up that easily. Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 15 is one of those chapters that doesn't seem too bad (by Hogwarts Exposed standards) at first glance, almost to be filler before what I know is to come, but actually reading it showed that it was every bad thing Hogwarts Exposed has thrown at us so far distilled into one chapter of fail. Not unlike Deserving Chapter 48. It's no coincidence that it's here I decided I was due a break.
Without further ado, however, here's the whole bloody thing.
Tony and Amanda had allowed Alex and Jamie to take the lead as they made the return journey to Hogwarts castle. "How did it go?" Amanda asked, her hand trembling in Tony's firm but sweaty hand.
"Okay, I guess," he answered disconsolately. "We were able to schedule the procedure. It's just that I wish there was another way."
"So do I," Amanda said squeezing Tony hand tightly, "but we've been over this hundreds of times.
This being Hogwarts Exposed, I don't doubt it.
This is our only way out."
Apart from getting a day pass from pushover!Snape to go to a clinic in the nearest Muggle town, of course. Or even sneak out of school: if an idiot like Dick the dick can manage it, anyone can. Except that was in Exposed Chapter 23, which nobody seems to have remembered even happened. Especially not the author.
"No, I wouldn't," Alex said, guiltily. "Jamie, I can't tell you what I was actually doing. Tony asked for my help and swore me to secrecy."
"I didn't think we had any secrets from each other," Jamie said, sounding extremely hurt.
It's not that they don't have secrets from each other so much as there's no point when she can just read his mind.
"Jamie, please trust me on this," Alex begged. "I don't like keeping anything from you, but it's imperative that I maintain Tony's trust so I'm kept aware of what is transpiring."
Behold, the authentic dialogue of a teenage boy. If he happened to be a Vulcan, that is.
Jamie squeezed Alex's hand, looked him in the eye and said pleading, "Please, just tell me that Amanda isn't pregnant."
Alex looked at Jamie, amazed at her intuitiveness.
Why is he amazed at her intuitiveness? Hasn't it already been established that she can read minds? And hasn't he known her for five years? What's left to be amazed about?
"I thought we'd never get them to leave," Emily said as she turned away from the closed door. "Especially Randy," Caitlin added. "He seemed genuinely concerned about Kim."
Or else genuinely Randy.
"I think he fancies her even bald," Emily said. "Do you think you can help her, or should we wait for Mum?"
"My regeneration powers are much stronger than Mum's," Caitlin said with conviction.
I don't doubt it: "HE!Hermione" and "strong" are not words that naturally go together. ITWATN!Hermione is Hermione in name only, but at least the "shit wizard" she got overpowered by twice had a wand. HE!Hermione was nearly killed by a schmuck who didn't even have a wand in a situation she'd never have been put into had she not been outwitted by Crabbe and Goyle. She's still the worst Hermione I've ever featured.
"I hope so," Emily said, optimistically. "She can't spend the rest of her life in the loo crying."
But as a Hogwarts Exposed character, she can spend the rest of her life crying.
"Suppose you try to get her to come out while I clean up the place." Caitlin suggested. "It will be hard enough explaining Kim being hairless.
Because it's not like they live in a magic school where spell mishaps are an everyday occurrence.
Slowly, the door opened, and Kim stepped out. The girl was naked except for her skirt, which instead of being belted around her waist was instead secured at eyebrow level so that it hid her hairless head.
What happened to her robes? Anyway, Caitlin regrows Kim's hair with her Sue powers. Actually making a full scene of it is pointless, because these powers had already been established and using them to regrow hair when they can bring people back from the almost-dead is trivial.
"Your wish is my command," Caitlin said as she continued stroking Kim head. Within a minute, Kim had beautiful silky hair that extended to the desired length.
"You look absolutely breathtaking," the voice said. "I haven't seen hair that long and lovely since I was owned by Lady Godiva."
"Who's there?" Kim asked, nervously looking around the room.
"That's just the mirror," Emily said, matter-of-factly.
"Your mirror talks," Kim asked, her voice sounding shocked. "Can it see us?
"I don't actually see, but rather reflect," the mirror said, answering Kim's question.
"This writing is horribly redundant," szaleniec1000 said, complaining about the redundancy of the writing. Also, Kim has already met the Mirror of Ytidun, albeit offscreen.
"I don't think I'll ever get completely accustomed to the magical world," Kim said anxiously.
"Can we go back in the other room where there are no mirrors to watch us?"
"Sure," Caitlin answered accommodatingly.
She accommodated Kim's request accommodatingly. Yes, we really needed that clarifying.
"Are you sure?" Emily asked out of concern. "Will you be okay with Denise and Janice seeing you like you are?"
Denise and Janice, those terrifying villains who are the scourge of all Hogwarts. Or not.
"After what happened to me today, I think I can handle just about anything," Kim said, smiling for the first time since she had been rendered bald.
At that moment, the door opened. Harry and Hermione having returned from Hogsmeade.
Harry and Hermione, having returned from Hogsmeade, did what? Where's the rest of this sentence? Has it fallen down the plot hole?
Neither was stunned to find the girls in their quarters, but they were staggered by Kim's hair. "How did your hair become so long?" Hermione asked, obviously flabbergasted at the sight. "Did you cause it to grow longer?" Her first thought was that Kim had Animagus abilities.
Because being an Animagus is inherent, and apparently lets people grow their hair. I think the author might be confusing it with a Metamorphmagus, especially having already retconned Tonks into the story.
"I don't think I've every seen anyone with hair that length before," Harry said, finding it hard to not stare at Kim.
But, this being HE!Harry, not as hard as if she'd still been naked.
"You never cease to amaze me young lady," Hermione said, putting her arm around Caitlin. "Is there no limit to your abilities?"
Why is Hermione so amazed by this when she's seen plenty of more dramatic instances of Caitlin's super-special-awesome healing powers, including with herself on the receiving end?
"Mum, speaking of my abilities, can I start giving you full body massages?" Caitlin asked. Everyone just gazed at Caitlin questioningly.
A rare instance of Hogwarts Exposed characters actually reacting in a realistic way to something.
"Why on earth would you suggest doing such a thing?"
"... you mediocre dunces!"
"Actually, Madam Pomfrey initially planted the idea in my head the other day when she was training me on how to control my hyperempathic abilities," Caitlin explained.
Caitlin has lessons on how to control her Sue powers from Madam Pomfrey. Not that we've actually seen this happen. The continuity of Hogwarts Exposed is a complete mess, in that characters forget about scenes that have actually happened (or entire chapters in the case of Exposed 23) and scenes that have happened aren't shown. It's like the author wrote lots of separate stories with the same basic concept and constructed Hogwarts Exposed by stringing together a random assortment of scenes from each of them.
"We started to talk about you and what part I might take in the delivery of the baby, if allowed. She talked about some of the negatives of childbirth, such as varicose veins, stretch marks, and the premature sagging of breasts."
Yes, because when it comes to the potential complications of pregnancy and childbirth, the purely cosmetic ones are the most important. I hate this fic.
"What does any of that have to do with giving Mum massages?" Emily asked impatiently.
"Pomfrey says that if a woman receives full body massages at least twice a week from a hyperempath, she won't experience any of those problems," Caitlin explained.
Harry looked questioningly at Hermione, as if to seek verification.
"Is that true, Mum?" Emily inquired excitedly. "You should let her do it. Why take the chance of losing that gorgeous body if it's not necessary?"
Although he didn't say a word, Harry's face seemed to show agreement.
Of course he agrees, fuckwitted misogynist that he is.
"But I love you," Caitlin sobbed. "I'm your daughter. Mothers and daughter should help each other, when they can."
Hermione wrapped her arm around Caitlin's shoulder. "But you have helped me," Hermione answered. "If it hadn't been for you, I would have died last year."
And yet she's more amazed by her making someone's hair grow.
Caitlin looked at Hermione disappointedly. "I didn't realize it was a once and done thing. I was hoping that you'd always be there for me and that I could always be there for you, not only in life threatening situations."
Hermione looked to Harry for support, but could immediately tell by his expression that on this issue he seemed to be siding with Caitlin.
Was there ever any doubt? See: "misogynist, fuckwitted".
"I'm not vain," Hermione said, truthfully. "I like to exercise and take care of myself physically, but I realize age, gravity and babies change a person's body. I'm not going to look in a mirror and cry if my breasts aren't quite as perky or I have a few stretch marks. My only concern is that I safely deliver a healthy baby."
This perfectly reasonable argument is supposed to be the wrong side of the issue. That's all you need to know about how Hogwarts Exposed treats women.
"But why should you let that happen when I can prevent it?" Caitlin practically begged.
Hermione studied Caitlin's face carefully. "This means an awful lot to you, doesn't it?" she asked. "Why are you so concerned if I look a little older?"
"Because," Caitlin paused, "although you're my Mum and I'll always love you as such, when I'm your age I want people to think you're my sister like they do now with you and Jamie. Besides, I think it's neat that Dad can't tell you and Jamie apart when he's blindfolded.
LOL, Harry can't tell his wife and his adopted daughter apart! Yay, it's "neat" and fun and wacky and not at all ephebophilic!
"Oh! Can Kim and I watch?" Emily asked excitedly.
Why would you ever think that was appropriate? Anyway, the Mirror of Ytidun demands to speak to Hermione in private.
"Do you remember when we had the conversation about how it would drive people mad if they worried about how each action they took affected their life and that of others?" the mirror inquired.
"Yes! I remember that," Hermione answered, extremely concerned where this conversation was leading.
She's not the only one.
"I should take my own advice," the mirror said gloomily. "Miss Thatcher is going home for Christmas. Nothing you or anyone else can do will prevent that from happening. During her holiday, her stepfather will try to take advantage of her."
If this was the ITWATN universe, they'd now be perfectly justified in killing him for a crime he's not committed yet.
Hermione was aghast. "But certainly it can be avoided! I'll get the Headmaster. You can tell him what you've seen. We can make her stay here at Hogwarts."
"Sadly, some possible futures show you trying to do just that, but to no gain. The mother is a Muggle. She will not believe anyone and insists her daughter be allowed home.
And, despite being a Muggle, would somehow be able to enforce her will on the wizarding world. Actually, this being HE!Snape, I can believe it.
It will happen; we can not stop it."
From context, what the mirror is actually saying is that they cannot stop it (i.e. they're unable to stop it), not that they can not stop it (i.e. it's their choice whether they stop it or not).
"No! That can't happen," Hermione demanded. "We just can't sit back and let this happen. Certainly, not all her futures show lack of hope."
"All but a very few. That is why I felt the need to talk to you."
If you absolutely must throw a child abuse storyline in there, there are so many less ridiculous ways to do it than have it introduced by an unaccountably precognitive talking mirror. Because when you're dealing with legitimately serious issues, "ridiculous" isn't a word you want anywhere near. The scene mercifully cuts short here.
"Alex, how can you expect me to just sit by and not do anything?" Jamie shouted, frustration coating her every word. "Amanda may no longer consider me her best friend, but I still care about her."
"Don't say that," Alex scolded. "Amanda loves you."
"She certainly has an odd way of showing it," Jamie said with frustration. "Why didn't she tell me she was pregnant?
Why didn't your super-special-awesome mind reading powers tell you?
I could have gone to Hermione and gotten her some proper help."
Alex put his arm around Jamie and pulled her closer. "That's exactly why she didn't tell you," he said consolingly. "They didn't want her or the Headmaster or their parents knowing. They want to take care of it themselves."
Apparently, Hermione's first instinct when people confide sensitive personal issues to her is to go running to Snape of all people.
"Take care of it themselves? What do you mean take care of it themselves? Jamie asked, looking dubiously at Alex. "You make it sound like they're planning to abort the pregnancy."
Now she remembers she's psychic.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
These date stamps become infinitely better if you imagine the day of the week being spelled out by some random piece of scenery.
Harry and Hermione had not spoken to anybody about their get-together with Luna Lovegood. Although Luna left them with the impression that the magazine would not be distributed, she had to contact her father, who owned the publication, for final approval.
Xenophilius Lovegood the pornographer. They read a report in the Daily Prophet in which Justin Finch-Fletchley (do they have any other reporters?) recaps the Playwizard subplot, finishing off with:
This reporter must confess that he was somewhat looking forward to seeing the attractive professor displayed au natural, but applauds Playwizard for their courageous and undoubtedly costly decision.
Even Justin is a barely restrained pervert in this fic.
As Hermione handed the Daily Prophet to Harry, he noticed something he hadn't seen in nearly two months; his Mione had regained the smile he loved so much.
This probably wouldn't sound so creepily possessive in any other fic, except possibly ITWATN, but when the fic has already paraded its horrible gender issues earlier in the same chapter it does. "Mione" can still die in all the fires, of course.
Hermione blushed, as she wiped a tear from her eye. "Do you think that now we'll be able to get back to a normal life?" She asked Harry after the applause subsided.
"I think, Mione," Harry said, giving his wife a smile, "that you and I will never come to know the true meaning of a normal life."
Especially not if she turns him into a toad for calling her "Mione" once too often. Cut to a dark and stormy night morning before the Quidditch match.
"Of course, they'll play," Harry said groggily, as he opened his eyes. "Quidditch is never canceled because of the weather. Don't you remember me playing during that horrible storm in third year? I thought one of us would either be blown off our broom or be hit by lightning."
Hermione shivered at the memory. "I'd rather forget that game," she said, fretfully. "When the dementors caused you to fall off your broom, I thought you'd be killed." She hugged Harry tightly. "I wouldn't admit it to myself, but I think I already loved you back then."
"We were both quite young and didn't even realize what love was," Harry said. "My feelings for you have always been more than simple friendship. I always knew you were special, but I never realized how special until I almost lost you."
Ah yes, classic Harmonian poppycock straight from the LoPEF "Hermione gave Harry a hug before he went to get the Stone, that means twu wuv 4ever!!!1" mould. For all the author claims to be influenced by Paradigm of Uncertainty, I really don't see it. Part of what makes that the best Harry/Hermione fic I've read is the way it shows the natural development of a relationship between two adults, not rushing to retcon any and every friendly interaction they had as children as a sign of budding romance but still remaining informed by their canon characterisations.
Although Harry and Hermione were both now standing in front of the window totally exposed, they had little fear of being seen, for they couldn't see more than two feet outside of the window. As they looked about, they felt as if they were floating in a cloud. Not only couldn't they see any of the castle grounds, but also they were unable to see any other parts of the castle.
"I've never seen such a thick fog," Harry commented. "If this doesn't thin out before the game, it will be total pandemonium."
"We could probably watch from here and get just as good a view of the game," Hermione said sarcastically.
Yes, it's really sarcastic to point out that it's hard to see in fog.
"Are you nervous?" Kim asked, as she watched Emily squirm and pull at her clothes.
"Not especially," her friend answered. "It's this sodding Quidditch outfit. It's so bulky and restrictive. I don't know how they expect a person to move about in it, and all this cloth creates a wind drag. It would be so much better if we all flew naked."
She could go ahead and fly naked in bad weather in Scotland in November, and the others could take bets on how long she survives.
"Good morning Aunt Hermyme, Uncle Harry," Timmy said excitedly.
Oh fucking joy of joys.
"Horrible day for Quidditch," Harry said, sounding irritated.
"Yes, Severus and I were just discussing the weather," Ron answered.
Yeah, Ron will just stop for a lovely chat with his bestest mate "Severus", just like that.
"The sensible thing would probably be to postpone the game, but scores of parents and relatives are already here. Many don't like to Apparate and, therefore, fly in ahead of time and spend the evening in Hogsmeade."
Ron Weasley has many wonderful qualities, but caring about the sensible thing to do isn't one of them. He leaves that sort of thing to Hermione, and everyone's probably a lot better off for it.
"I'm going to the Idditch game, Aunt Hermyme," Timmy stated proudly.
Yes, we get it. He's a kid with an inconsistent speech impediment and no impulse control, who the author clearly thinks we'll find adorable but couldn't be more wrong. Actually, "wrong" is the key word in this equation. Like every character in Hogwarts Exposed, he reads as though written by someone who's vaguely aware of things that humans do but has no idea why we do them. Think of it as cargo cult psychology. It's just that much more creepy when it's a toddler.
Hermione simply shook her head in disbelief. To her mind, nothing justified playing a Quidditch game under these conditions.
If you recall from the last time Quidditch made an appearance in the story, the author has inflated Hermione's vague amusement with how obsessed Harry and Ron are with Quidditch into an outright disdain for anything to do with it and a clear implication that only family loyalty keeps her attending matches.
She was about to say so when the owls entered the Great Hall with the morning mail.
"Nothing seems to prevent the owls from making their deliveries," Sam commented as a large barn owl swooped near her and deposited a letter next to Hermione.
"Big birdies," Timmy exclaimed as he quickly slipped off his mother's lap and sought refuge under the table.
I somehow think a boy who lives with his witch mother and wizard stepfather knows what an owl is by this point.
Sam stared at the letter Hermione was holding. "That's Muggle mail isn't it?" She asked after noticing stamps pasted on the front.
"Yes," Hermione replied. "Harry and I both have acquaintances in the Muggle world, so we maintain a post office box in Hogsmeade. An owl then delivers any mail we receive there."
Hermione quickly opened the letter and began reading it as the others continued to discuss the Quidditch game. Hermione didn't notice Severus approach and put his hand on Ron's shoulder.
"It's from Michelle Wolfskill," Hermione said excitedly after finishing reading the letter. At first Harry simply stared at Hermione questioningly, then he smiled with recognition.
"Michelle from Cap d'Adge?" He asked. "What caused her to write?"
"It seems that instead of going to Cap d'Adge this summer, they are going to take a cruise," Hermione said. "Michelle says a number of the people we met will be going, and she wondered if we would be interested or knew anyone else that might be."
"A cruise," Harry said, thoughtfully. "I've always wanted to go on a cruise and now that your job is secure.... What do you think of the idea, Mione?"
This, I'm guessing, is the infamous nudist cruise that's cropped up a few times in the comments.
"I love it," Hermione said, excitedly. "I'm sure the girls will be thrilled, too! Michelle sent all the information. Let's discuss it as a family and see what they think."
"See what who thinks?" Ron questioned, after finishing his discussion with Severus.
What purpose, exactly, did Ron's discussion with "Severus" serve in this scene? We get no indication of what was said, why it was said or even the basic topic.
"Harry and Hermione are considering going on a cruise this summer with the girls," Sam said, envy evident in her voice.
Yes, thanks for recapping what happened a few lines ago.
"Sam and I were talking about possibly going on a cruise as a sort of a honeymoon," Ron declared. "Wouldn't it be fun if... Nah, I guess you guys wouldn't want us around."
"Nonsense, I think it would be wonderful if we all went," Hermione said, hesitantly. "It's just that...."
"You think Ron and I should discuss it together before making a decision," Sam said, interrupting Hermione.
You know, I think I could have worked out for myself that speaking in the middle of someone else's sentence constitutes an interruption.
"I should get out there, too," Ron said, giving both Sam and Timmy a hug and kiss before excusing himself and scurrying off.
"Sam," Hermione said, uncertainly. "You do realize that this is a naturist cruise, don't you?"
"That's one of the reasons why I'm so excited about going," she replied slyly. "I just haven't quite figured out how to break the news to Ron yet."
"Hey, Ron, do you want to go on a naturist cruise with me?" followed by respecting his wishes if/when he declines might be a good idea, so we're unlikely to see it in this fic. We get a scene in which Gryffindor and Slytherin set aside their differences, that tries to be dramatic but comes out horribly saccharine and will probably be forgotten the next time we need a designated villain in Hogwarts.
As the hug ended, Jamie noticed that Doris' eyes were watering. "Is something wrong," she asked with unease.
"No," Doris said, a tear dropping from her eye. "Something is right. For the first time since I've been at Hogwarts, I've been hugged and wished good luck by someone who wasn't doing it out of house loyalty or for personal gain, but rather because they sincerely meant it. It feels good."
Jamie gave Doris another brief hug before the balance of the team whisked her off.
But of course. MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 41
When they reached the castle entrance, it was evident that the fog hadn't lessened. Visibility was still practically non-existent, as too was the path leading to the Quidditch pitch. It looked more like a well-trodden swamp than a path.
"Wait," ordered Hermione. "I'm not about to try to walk through that slop." Hermione took out her wand. "Sam, if you'll just hold Timmy and then take Harry's hand."
Sam did as instructed and then watched as Hermione uttered an incantation that produced what looked like a large electrically charged saucer beneath their feet. Slowly, it lifted them about a foot off the ground.
"Do you have room for one more?" Draco asked, as he burst out the castle door.
Hermione and Harry exchanged questioning glances as Timmy yelled, "Hi Double D."
Brace yourselves for the impending explanation of "Double D", because it's at least as idiotic as you're probably thinking.
"Hi Draco," Sam said in a pleasant voice.
Without waiting for Hermione or Harry to respond to his request, Draco jumped onto the magical plate and grabbed Hermione's free hand. "I assume you know how to maneuver one of these?" Draco asked, with his usual sarcasm.
"We're about to find out," Hermione said, confidently as she pointed her wand in what she thought was the general direction of the Quidditch pitch. The group, still holding hands, started to float across the sodden grounds.
"Where do you learn how to do all these spells?" Sam asked with admiration.
This is a good contender for the most dense thing anyone has said in Hogwarts Exposed so far, which is saying something.
"I read a lot," Hermione answered to laughs from both Harry and Draco. "It's just a variation on lengigum leviso.
Which is what, exactly? Apart from a wrongly uncapitalised spell incantation?
"Are you going to your first Quidditch game, Big Guy?" Draco asked Timmy.
"Yes! Did you play Idditch, Double D?" Timmy inquired of Draco.
"Idditch" as a mangling of "Quidditch" doesn't ring true, because Timmy's other dialogue (such that it is) has shown that he can pronounce the /k/ and /w/ phonemes fine, so it's more likely that /kw/ would be corrupted to /k/ or /w/ than elided entirely. This is a solid example of what I mean when I call his speech impediment inconsistent. I freely admit I might be wrong, because early years isn't my specialism, but it doesn't feel right.
"Yeah! I played a little. Didn't do too badly either, except when I played against him." Draco indicated Harry. "I never saw anyone as lucky as your uncle at Quidditch."
Harry didn't say anything, just smirked and shook his head.
Hermione gave Sam a questioning look, "What is a double D?"
Malfoy answered before Sam had the opportunity. "Come now Granger, certainly you know your own cup size."
Ha fucking ha. My sides ache.
Harry probably should have responded callously to Draco's remark about Hermione breasts, but he was too busy laughing as Hermione blushed.
Why would telling someone off for making rude comments about his wife's breasts make him callous? If anything, I'd have thought the opposite.
"Draco, you're such an ass," Sam said. Although it was evident that she was also trying to stifle a laugh. "It stands for Daddy Draco. Once Draco started seeing Timmy regularly on weekends, we had a problem with what Timmy should call him. Calling both Ron and Draco daddy would be confusing, so Draco came up with Double D."
"I thought it was cute - until now," Sam said straight faced. "I didn't realize Draco only came up with it so that you would both be a Double D."
Hogwarts Exposed takes the Draco Trilogy thing of Draco as a sex fiend and runs with it, and I can't decide whether his creepiness is intentional or not. The author can't seem to make his mind up whether Draco is supposed to be evil: maybe he was in some of the stories that got cut and pasted to form Hogwarts Exposed but not the others.
Even Hermione and Draco couldn't help but laugh as they traversed the fog covered ground. Considering how much they'd grown with her pregnancy, her breasts might indeed now qualify for that distinction.
With this author and his obvious fixation, I'm surprised they didn't already.
"Where is Ginny?" Hermione asked, as the group started climbing the stairs to the viewing stand.
"She's staying at the Burrow for the weekend," Draco answered, his face taking on a furrowed expression. "It seems that our, 'on-again, off-again', relationship is in an off-again phase."
And she's evidently not banging "Severus" either, because he's right there at the match.
"This is going to be an extremely difficult game to play," Ron said, frustration evident in every word. He knew the players were gathered around him because of the misty lights that surrounded him, but he couldn't make out one single solitary face.
"The Headmaster has placed a spell on the hoops so that they will chime whenever a goal is scored. Also, the Quaffle will emit a blinking white light and the Bludgers will shine a constant red." Ron sighed. "Unfortunately, I doubt you will have much time to react, but then again I think the Beaters will be hard put to find a target."
Wouldn't it have made more sense to give the Quaffle a red light and the Bludgers something else, considering that it's red anyway?
"Now, I want a nice fair game," Ron said to the shrouded players surrounding him.
"Excuse me, sir," said a timid bodiless voice, which Ron recognized as Emily's.
I love it when characters with hardly any solid characterisation at all still manage to be OOC. Because I can't see Emily being timid under any circumstances whatsoever.
"Will the Golden Snitch be illuminated in any way?"
"Yes, but it will only intermittently blink varying colors," Professor Weasley responded.
Why is Ron suddenly Professor Weasley now but at no other point in the chapter?
The seventh year Ravenclaw game announcer, Jason Turner, squinted as fifteen misty lights rose up, high, high, higher into the air. "It would seem that they're off," he said, not the least bit assuredly. "I would imagine that someone might have located the Quaffle by now, and if so, he or she is probably trying to find the proper set of hoops."
Jason had no more than spoken when the sound of a gong vibrated the air. He held his notes to his eyes. "Gong is Slytherin, bell Hufflepuff. It sounds as if Slytherin has scored. I wish I could tell you who or if the Keeper even tried to stop them," he said with frustration. Another gong sounded. "That was fast," Jason commented. "Someone did something to get the Quaffle back. Slytherin 20, Hufflepuff 0."
"Mummy, what is he talking about?" Timmy asked. "I can't see the Quabble or anybody on a broom.
"But I can now pronounce the letter Q!"
How does he know...?"
Without warning, Draco pushed Samantha and Timmy to the floor as a red streak narrowly missed hitting them both.
It's Sonic the Hedgehog in disguise.
"Thank you," Sam said, rather flustered as she got back to her feet and tried to calm Timmy. "If it hadn't been for you, we'd be spending the game in the hospital."
"Glad I was here," Draco responded unemotionally. "I can't believe that idiot Beater, hitting a Bludger near the stands with this visibility.
That doesn't sound very unemotional. Also, it trails off without so much as a close quote.
"That makes the score Slytherin 300 and Hufflepuff 340," Jason Turner said disgustedly, three hours later. "This is a high scoring game. It's a shame none of us got to see any of it. I wonder if the Keeper from either team has even tried to block a goal?"
If she hadn't been astride a broom, Emily probably would have fallen asleep during the first two hours of the game. Not only hadn't she seen a sign of the Golden Snitch, but also no other players had even come near her. She had actually reached the point where she wished someone would bat a Bludger in her direction just to give her something to do. Finally, about an hour ago, Doris Burke had checked on her, asking if she had even caught a glimpse of the Golden Snitch. Emily was comforted when told that none of the other players had spied it either.
That was then. Now, the only thing Emily could think about was using the loo. Don't they ever take a time-out for a piss! Emily's bladder felt like it was on the verge of bursting. She made a pledge that she would never, ever again drink as much milk and juice before a game as she had today.
You know, considering that Quidditch matches can last for days, there probably are toilet arrangements.
Once more she wished she were flying naked. It might not seem very lady-like, but she could just fly over the Forbidden Forest and relieve herself.
In this visibility, she could just lift her robe and take a piss right now and nobody would be any the wiser.
She wondered enviously if any of the male players might have done this even now. At times like these, she could see definite advantages in being male.
In a break with badfic tradition, she hates that she doesn't have a cock.
Anyway, she sees the Snitch and:
Unexpectedly the Snitch pulled out; so did Emily. She felt her leg brush the ground as she leveled off. It was now or never; she slid up as far as possible on her broom. Emily wrapped her legs tightly around the broomstick and stretched both arms toward the Snitch. She grabbed for it just as a Bludger glanced off her left shoulder and hit her directly in the jaw. Emily winced with extreme pain as she was hurled from her broom and buried face down in the muddy pitch. She groaned as she felt her bladder lose control just before she passed out.
Okay, who the hell read Chapter 10 of Chamber of Secrets and thought, "You know, what this scene is really missing is piss!"?