In This World and the Next Chapter 5
Well, here I am after a longer-than-anticipated break. I chose ITWATN to review because of a recommendation in the comments here, and an initial skim read told me it was bad. This impression turned out to be wrong. It's not just bad, but reaches depths of irredeemable dreadfulness to rival Hogwarts Exposed. At least that had a serviceable (if clunky and heavily plagiarised) first chapter before it started going on about Madam Hooch's unorthodox supper and went downhill from there.
Now we meet Sirius, who (unusually for an ITWATN character) isn't being a dickhead. He's in Azkaban, and of course Harry is about to spring him and chew out the Ministry. Not because they sent him to Azkaban without a trial, you understand, but because they weren't psychic enough to realise straight away that the guy holding up his wand next to a huge smoking crater actually had nothing to do with it. Part of what makes ITWATN so frustrating to read is the way that Harry and the author bash everything for not acting with the benefit of hindsight they don't yet have, and nobody sees anything wrong with this. Another part is, of course, the way that Hermione's agency as an independent character seems to have vanished into the same black hole as the author's sense of good taste.
A big black dog was sleeping curled on a filthy threadbare blanket, it raised its ears without lifting its head or even opening its eyes. The dog was suddenly transformed into a man who appeared every bit as mangy as the dog he'd just replaced. Sirius Black stood in his cell and stretched, it was a rare occasion when the Dementors were withdrawn and one not to be missed.
The author has apparently learned how to use capital letters, but don't count on this lasting.
The wizard didn't open his eyes, there was nothing to see that he hadn't memorised years ago. Counting the bricks that make up your cell walls gets old nearly as fast as counting the days to your trial that never comes. All that was left now was to savour being human without the Dementors messing with your head, without Padfoot he didn't think he would have survived this long.
Also, don't count on this nice character moment representing an uptick in the general quality of the fic.
His eyes soon sprung wide open when he heard multiple footsteps approaching his cell door, even more shockingly it began to open.
"Ok Black, you're coming with us. No funny business or we'll just knock you out and drag your worthless arse out of here."
Sirius hadn't used his voice in a while but discovered it still worked, "Where are you taking me?"
"Well it would appear Harry Potter found out who was responsible for his parent's deaths, now he wants to spit in your eye before Fudge hands you over to a Dementor. This is your last day on this Earth scumbag."
Why has Harry not told the people he wants to fetch Sirius the real reason? And how does Harry have the authority to do this in any case? Dramatic irony like this is used to build tension: we know something the characters don't, so when are they going to find out and what's going to happen? The answer to that last question is that Harry is going to arsehole his way through all authority in his path and get Sirius released, with Hermione possibly being allowed to make a minor contribution, because this is ITWATN and that's what happens.
Sirius was struggling to stay upright with all the shocks coming his way, he knew he had to though or they literally would drag him out of here. The guards didn't carry wands in case the prisoners got hold of them so he would be dragged out by the ankles and his head would hit every stone step in Azkaban. They placed a medallion around his neck that signified he was off-limits to the Dementors, it didn't repel them, just emitted an aura that marked the prisoner for safe passage.
The guards didn't carry wands because the guards were Dementors. Anyone coming to bring prisoners to or from Azkaban would still carry a wand. The author seems to be under the impression that Azkaban had permanent human staff, which I doubt. Apart from anything else, they'd be driven mad by the Dementors regardless of whether they had a medallion of plot convenience. Not to mention the fact that Sirius' escape in Prisoner of Azkaban relied on the guards being unable to see him. If there'd been human guards, he'd never have escaped by turning into his Animagus form.
Sirius almost broke down when he was being led out the prison, heading towards the dock he got his first glimpse of the night sky. The stars were beautiful and there had been a distinct lack of beauty in his life for the last decade. Sirius felt a great weight lift off him as the boat sailed away from the island, even if this was his last night it was still better than rotting in that hell. What was running through his mind though was Sirius Black was going to get to see Harry Potter, now Sirius thought that was worth dying for.
Comma splices aside, this is another decent character moment. Why can't this fic have been about Sirius?
Arthur and Bill entered the Burrow as the sea of expectant faces tried to read their mood, this proved very difficult as neither was sure what to feel at the moment. They all sat around the kitchen table with only Charlie missing, dragon handlers didn't have the same penalty clauses in their contracts that the goblins insisted on. A wizard working for Gringotts had to be above reproach, the faintest hint of scandal could see you lose your job. Having it splashed all over the front page of the papers that your mother tried to attack the boy who lived was always going to result in an instant dismissal.
I'm pretty sure the goblins don't give a toss about the petty squabbles of humans. Even leaving aside the fact that his mother was hexed whilst totally unarmed, which is all the author apparently thinks Hermione is good for.
Molly couldn't wait any longer, "Well, what happened?"
Comma splices: also bad for dialogue tags.
Bill was shaking his head, "The new owners are going to tear everything down and build from scratch."
Again Molly tried to look on the bright side,
though she had unshed tears in her eyes at the impending destruction of her home. "We always knew whoever bought the land wouldn't want the house, it stands to reason. At least now we'll be able to get a good start somewhere else."
It was Arthur who dropped the bombshell, "The Potter boy is pressing charges against you, we'll lose over half the gold in fines."
It's worth remembering at such moments that all this is because of something that hasn't happened yet.
Percy wanted to object but his father's tone had left him in no doubt that would not be a wise decision, he just nodded his head in acceptance. The twins were smiling as Arthur turned his gaze to his youngest son, "Ron, I'll give you a choice, return to Hogwarts or be home schooled by your Auntie Muriel?"
I like how nobody seems to have noticed that the Sorting Hat has malfunctioned. It's not like any of them don't know how it works, after all, and surely the fact that Ron has been put in a house he reviles should have been noticed by someone. I don't trust this author to let Dumbledore or Snape do the right thing, except unintentionally, but what about McGonagall?
Arthur turned his attention back towards his sons to deliver a warning, and also because watching Ginny cry was breaking his heart.
The author has realised that even his moon logic can't provide a good reason to bash Arthur and Ginny, but choosing to humanise them now only sends Harry and Hermione even further past the moral event horizon. And they were already making Emily fucking Zacherley look like a sensible and well-adjusted young lady, and I never thought I'd be saying that.
"I have no idea what the situation will be at Hogwarts but if the Potters are there you lot will be on your best behaviour. They have done nothing and acted entirely within the law,
Either they've done nothing or they've acted within the law, not both, since if they've done nothing they have by definition not acted within the law or otherwise. Also, if it's entirely within the law to hex unarmed people in the Great Hall of Hogwarts, the wizarding world has injustices far greater than the ones Harry and Hermione are trying to correct.
Harry and Hermione stepped off the Knight Bus at the public entrance to the Ministry of Magic. They had received some strange glances and a few glares from the other passengers, but Harry was sure their chosen apparel was responsible for that. He was wearing a dark suit Hermione had picked for him and, with a shirt and tie, Harry was dressed as the quintessential Muggle. His wife was also paying no heed to the fact that they were probably going to meet the Minister of Magic today: a pale blue dress with a dark blue jacket was rounded off by matching bag and shoes. Only the wand hidden in a holster on her arm signified she was a witch; they were making no concessions to the magical world, and if they didn't like it, tough!
In the wizarding world, Harry found friends and a place he belonged for the first time in his life, the escape from his miserable existence in the Muggle world that he'd dreamed of (sometimes literally) for ten years. And yet the Muggle world is supposed to be so much better. I get that he wants to troll the Ministry, but I doubt he'd choose this particular way to do so.
Both couldn't help but think the ministry hadn't concerned themselves too much with what clothes the pair were wearing the last time they 'visited' this building, the bastards were too busy making sure they both got kissed.
And this is why capital letters are important. "They both got kissed" doesn't immediately suggest the Dementor's Kiss, but rather the more common and welcome variety.
Hermione understood how emotional this was going to be for Harry, she had been relieved to go first as watching the kiss being administered to Harry would have been worse than the actual deed itself. Add to that he was going to see Sirius again and his emotions were off the scale, she just hoped he didn't do anything reckless. Then again he wouldn't be Harry Potter and the man / boy she loved without that reckless streak, she would just have to be on the alert and, as always cover his back.
I doubt it. We all know what happened last time ITWATN!Hermione faced an armed wizard, a "shit" one at that. I'd rather have canon!Hermione as of the first chapter of Philosopher's Stone watching my back.
Hermione was certain controlling her husband was a lost cause the moment
... the author began the fic.
they entered, there was the chair, complete with chains that they had personal experience of. The dementor in the corner waited quietly behind its containment field, it knew it was going to be fed today but there was even worse to come.
Dementors don't have containment fields; they're held at bay with Patronuses. If I didn't know this author wrote exclusively for Harry Potter, I'd wonder if this wasn't borrowed from another fic with the names and concepts changed. For a fandom where containment fields are, you know, a thing.
The panel of five contained not only Dumbledore but Dolores Umbridge, Hermione was fighting the urge to go down there and kill the bitch herself so Merlin knew what Harry was thinking.
Harry's face was contorted with anger, fortunately most folk thought this was due to his impending meeting with the betrayer of his parents.
ITWATN!Harry is supposed to be an adult, but he's having more trouble keeping his emotions in check than he did in Order of the Phoenix.
Harry stood slowly, knowing every eye was on him. Dumbledore was watching keenly and he'd noticed McGonagall, incredibly accompanied by Remus in the public box. The Hogwarts approach must also be coming today so he thought he'd better make it look good. "I am Lord Harry James Potter, last scion of the Noble and Ancient House of Potter, banisher of the Dark Lord Voldemort.
Because no Stu!Harry fic is complete without the Noble House of Potter guff. At least I don't think this author is going to give him a harem.
Who the fuck are you to call me boy?
There are times when a well-placed "fuck" can really add the finishing touch to a dramatic pronouncement. (This is probably my favourite example.) This, however, is not one of those times. Not least because it's hard to get the same impact when he's already dropping F-bombs left, right and centre. Not so much cluster F-bomb as carpet F-bomb, albeit not quite as bad as Hermione's Talent.
If you're insulted then I offer you the chance to duel, before or after you bring out Black. Either way, can we get on with this, I didn't think anyone could procrastinate worse than Dumbledore but it seems I might be wrong."
The toad wouldn't give it up though, "If the fiction in the press is to be believed, I understand you have no wand. How do you purpose to duel?"
Harry gave her a predatory smile, "I didn't have a wand when I defeated Voldemort!" the gasps at the name again gave him the opening that he was looking for, "What? You think I blasted him with a bad pair of nappies?"
Dumbledore couldn't resist, "And just how did you defeat him Lord Potter?"
Wait, why is Dumbledore on Umbridge's side here? Even given this author's interpretation of him as a power-crazed madman, that makes no sense: she did, after all, try to usurp his authority. Or she will four years into this fic's future, but things not having happened yet isn't stopping Harry and Hermione.
Professor McGonagall called out from the public gallery, "Lord Potter, I have your wand here, we were able to repair it at the castle."
I think what most bugs me about Lord Potter is that it's suggesting that people should look up to Harry not because of his accomplishments or talent, but because of who his parents are. It's just the blood purity doctrine given the most superficial of makeovers and presented as somehow a good thing. The author apparently likes McGonagall, but this manifests in having her buy into this crap.
Amelia was so enjoying the toad getting stepped on and anytime Dumbledore didn't get his own way made her day. It was time to move proceedings on, though she would be more than interested in how the toad tried to squirm her way out of the duel.
Referring to Umbridge as "the toad" once was pushing it. The way the author runs it into the ground makes Deserving look sensible in its use of epithets.
Harry had made it quite plain he wished to discourage attacks on his family, taking down Fudge's hatchet woman would certainly do that. For some reason she never doubted Harry would win.
Amelia knows she's in a Stu!Harry fic.
Harry removed a letter from inside his jacket and offered it to Amelia, "My mother wrote that so I want it back! It was in my family vault and explains that my parents switched secret keepers. This seemed the quickest way to get my godfather free, to be perfectly honest the only person I trust in this room is sitting by my side."
In seven years of visiting Gringotts, canon!Harry never once found this deus ex machina convenient evidence of Sirius' innocence? It'd have been very useful in Prisoner of Azkaban, wouldn't it? More to the point, it was never mentioned when Harry visited Gringotts earlier in this exact same fic, giving the reader the impression that the author just pulled it out of his backside for the sake of plot convenience.
Harry gave Amelia a moment to scan the letter before asking, "Since my godfather is here and still under truth serum, could we ask him what happened that night?"
Dumbledore objected immediately, "I hardly think that's necessary…"
Why does Dumbledore want to keep Sirius in Azkaban when he spent the climax of Prisoner of Azkaban doing his best to get him out of there and kept him secret from the Ministry thereafter? This makes no sense.
"I spent many nights lying in Azkaban wondering how different my life would be if I hadn't let Hagrid take him, only the thought of Harry being happy allowed me to survive all those years, I knew James and Lily had made detailed provisions for him. Why did no one even question me? I was stunned in the street and woke up in that cell in Azkaban, I was an auror and knew that wasn't the way things were supposed to happen."
Harry could see his godfather was now totally free of the drug's effects, "Sirius, I ended up with the Dursleys!"
Only the chains still holding him to the chair prevented Sirius attacking Dumbledore, "What the fuck were you thinking of? You signed their wills as a witness along with me, it specifically stated he was never to go there as they hated magic."
Yes, much better to send him to a family that doesn't hate magic but will be killed or worse along with him when the Death Eaters find out where he is!
Harry removed a scroll out his jacket and offered it to Amelia, "This is a copy of my parents' will, it lists yourself and Professor McGonagall by name as just some of the trustworthy people I should have went to instead. We met Susan briefly in Hogwarts and I would really have liked to have a sister while growing up." He turned to Dumbledore, "We have the how and who, would you care to tell us why?"
Dumbledore actually squirmed, "I had my reasons but don't wish to go into them here and now."
Perfectly valid reasons, as it happens. Reasons without which Harry wouldn't even be there.
Harry didn't think there was a chance in hell Dumbledore would disclose the prophecy here, he liked his secrets and had kept everything to himself before but this time they already knew most of them. "Very well then, the Noble and Ancient Houses of Potter and Black?" Harry looked towards his godfather to see if it was alright to include him in this.
Yes, because Sirius was so proud of his Noble House of Black heritage.
"Your mother and father were friends of mine…"
"Were friends!" screamed Sirius, "You better pray they don't have wands in the afterlife Albus, or Lily Potter will transfigure you into a flobberworm for giving her boy to Petunia.
James was the Transfiguration specialist, but it's rare enough that this fic gives even indirect agency to a female character that I shouldn't complain too much.
Whatever possessed you to do something that was not only criminal but insane?"
"Madam Bones, can I ask why my innocent godfather is still in chains while Dumbledore is clearly guilty of breaking the law yet sits there on a judging panel?"
If Dumbledore left Harry with the Dursleys without the Ministry's approval, how exactly it take ten years to come to light? Surely someone in the meantime would have gone, "Hey, I wonder what happened to the Potters' son?"
The chains fell away and Harry was out of his seat in a flash, Sirius had barely time to stand before Harry had his arms around him. Both of them were barely holding back the tears until Harry pulled away, "There is someone you need to meet."
Hermione was now by his side, "This is Hermione Potter, my wife."
The way this is formatted makes it look as though Hermione was declaring herself to be her own wife. And apparently Sirius is completely unfazed by the fact that the (to his eyes) eleven-year-old boy in front of him has a wife of the same age.
Sirius glanced at the girl before noticing the Potter ring on her finger, next second they were both hugging the confused marauder. He was beginning to wonder if he was still lying in his cell having finally lost his mind, this seemed to be confirmed by his godson's next actions.
"Excuse me a minute Sirius, Madam Umbitch, are you prepared to apologise?"
It's funny because Harry's using a fandom nickname! Ouch, my aching sides.
Dolores was not having a good morning, the minister was standing outside with the press, waiting on the Potters leaving to have his picture taken with them. Everyone expected Black to be found guilty and kissed, when he walks out that door all hell was going to break loose. She let her temper get the better of her, "I have no intention of apologising to a little half-blood upstart like you. I will duel you anytime, anywhere."
This is actually in character for Umbridge, who called a herd of angry centaurs filthy half-breeds to their face. (Or would do so in the future.) In fact, she's probably been the most in character of anyone in ITWATN so far. Probably because "smug arsehole" is the only kind of character this author seems capable of writing.
Harry whipped of his jacket and handed it to Hermione, as he was loosening his tie he called her bluff. "Here and now works for me, I'm sure these kind people would act as witnesses for us."
Dumbledore thought it would be good for the Potter boy to learn some humility, he began erecting duelling shields as Harry was rolling up his sleeves.
Sirius was not amused, "Harry, this is nuts and I wont allow it."
"Sorry Sirius but only my wife is allowed to tell me that."
"Not that I'll listen to her!"
Sirius was beginning to believe these two might actually know what they were doing,
He was, of course, wrong.
Dolores bought the whole act and was feeling supremely confident, handing Potter his arse in front of everyone here would soon put an end to this 'chosen one' nonsense. It would also look great on her CV.
Ministry of Magic, London
Senior Undersecretary: During the course of this employment, I hexed an eleven-year-old boy.
Amelia was going over the rules but Harry wasn't listening, while in Australia Dan had introduced him to the game of pool. He'd picked it up so fast Dan used to jokingly accuse him of using the cue like a wand to perform magic. Here was his chance to put the toad in the corner pocket.
So he uses his 1337 pool skillz to resolve the plot. When did this become a Red Dwarf episode?
When Harry got into the right position, he unleashed a barrage of spells, four stupefies and an expelliarmus in as many seconds. The first two Stupefies impacted on her shield, the third one shattered it before the fourth one ended the duel. The expelliarmus whipped her wand out her hand and flung her violently backwards, she bounced off Dumbledore's duelling ward straight and true, right into the Dementor's containment shield.
The very nature of the shield was to contain the Dementor while allowing the condemned prisoners to pass through unhindered, Dolores sailed right through the shield into death's waiting arms. The Dementor was well aware anything passing through the shield belonged to it, Dolores was being kissed before anyone had time to react.
Trying to get Dolores away from the Dementor was a bit like trying to take a juicy bone off a pit bull, when it finally let go, Dolores Umbridge was no more.
Dumbledore was livid, "See what your reckless cavalier attitude has caused, you have that woman's death on your conscience."
Canon!Dumbledore would probably have regarded Umbridge getting om-nommed by a Dementor (why is this the only piece of wizarding vocabulary the author seems able to capitalise properly?) as poetic justice, and her own silly fault for rising to Harry's bait. It's a measure of just how well JKR wrote Umbridge as a character we love to hate that I'm even siding with ITWATN!Harry over her. The difference is that ITWATN!Harry was supposed to be sympathetic.
Harry could quite happily live with that but wasn't prepared to show it here,
Oh, now he discovers the value of restraint.
Harry's plan had formed the instant he'd noticed that the old goat hadn't shielded the Dementor, as far as he was concerned the toad got exactly what she deserved. The vicious and cruel witch had forced him to watch as Hermione had her soul sucked out, payback was a bitch!
Payback for... something she's not done yet.
Harry was engulfed by bushy brown hair as Hermione pounced on him, Sirius had the good graces to wait until they had finished kissing before smacking Harry on the back of the head. "Don't do that to me again, you just took years off my life. You were bloody brilliant though!"
"I'm merely brilliant, my wife here is the brains of the family. She's a genius."
Let's not mention the part where she gets overpowered twice by a shit wizard. Anyway, they all go back to the Grangers' and tell Sirius the full story.
He turned towards his godfather, "Padfoot, Hermione and I met you and Moony in our third year of Hogwarts. We left before our seventh year as Dumbledore was already dead and we had a job to do. We did that job and finally defeated Voldemort, only for the purebloods to take over the country.
Well, almost the full story. Conveniently missing out the bit where the purebloods only took over because Harry and Hermione buggered off to Australia. Nice job breaking it, designated hero.
Now we meet Sirius, who (unusually for an ITWATN character) isn't being a dickhead. He's in Azkaban, and of course Harry is about to spring him and chew out the Ministry. Not because they sent him to Azkaban without a trial, you understand, but because they weren't psychic enough to realise straight away that the guy holding up his wand next to a huge smoking crater actually had nothing to do with it. Part of what makes ITWATN so frustrating to read is the way that Harry and the author bash everything for not acting with the benefit of hindsight they don't yet have, and nobody sees anything wrong with this. Another part is, of course, the way that Hermione's agency as an independent character seems to have vanished into the same black hole as the author's sense of good taste.
A big black dog was sleeping curled on a filthy threadbare blanket, it raised its ears without lifting its head or even opening its eyes. The dog was suddenly transformed into a man who appeared every bit as mangy as the dog he'd just replaced. Sirius Black stood in his cell and stretched, it was a rare occasion when the Dementors were withdrawn and one not to be missed.
The author has apparently learned how to use capital letters, but don't count on this lasting.
The wizard didn't open his eyes, there was nothing to see that he hadn't memorised years ago. Counting the bricks that make up your cell walls gets old nearly as fast as counting the days to your trial that never comes. All that was left now was to savour being human without the Dementors messing with your head, without Padfoot he didn't think he would have survived this long.
Also, don't count on this nice character moment representing an uptick in the general quality of the fic.
His eyes soon sprung wide open when he heard multiple footsteps approaching his cell door, even more shockingly it began to open.
"Ok Black, you're coming with us. No funny business or we'll just knock you out and drag your worthless arse out of here."
Sirius hadn't used his voice in a while but discovered it still worked, "Where are you taking me?"
"Well it would appear Harry Potter found out who was responsible for his parent's deaths, now he wants to spit in your eye before Fudge hands you over to a Dementor. This is your last day on this Earth scumbag."
Why has Harry not told the people he wants to fetch Sirius the real reason? And how does Harry have the authority to do this in any case? Dramatic irony like this is used to build tension: we know something the characters don't, so when are they going to find out and what's going to happen? The answer to that last question is that Harry is going to arsehole his way through all authority in his path and get Sirius released, with Hermione possibly being allowed to make a minor contribution, because this is ITWATN and that's what happens.
Sirius was struggling to stay upright with all the shocks coming his way, he knew he had to though or they literally would drag him out of here. The guards didn't carry wands in case the prisoners got hold of them so he would be dragged out by the ankles and his head would hit every stone step in Azkaban. They placed a medallion around his neck that signified he was off-limits to the Dementors, it didn't repel them, just emitted an aura that marked the prisoner for safe passage.
The guards didn't carry wands because the guards were Dementors. Anyone coming to bring prisoners to or from Azkaban would still carry a wand. The author seems to be under the impression that Azkaban had permanent human staff, which I doubt. Apart from anything else, they'd be driven mad by the Dementors regardless of whether they had a medallion of plot convenience. Not to mention the fact that Sirius' escape in Prisoner of Azkaban relied on the guards being unable to see him. If there'd been human guards, he'd never have escaped by turning into his Animagus form.
Sirius almost broke down when he was being led out the prison, heading towards the dock he got his first glimpse of the night sky. The stars were beautiful and there had been a distinct lack of beauty in his life for the last decade. Sirius felt a great weight lift off him as the boat sailed away from the island, even if this was his last night it was still better than rotting in that hell. What was running through his mind though was Sirius Black was going to get to see Harry Potter, now Sirius thought that was worth dying for.
Comma splices aside, this is another decent character moment. Why can't this fic have been about Sirius?
Arthur and Bill entered the Burrow as the sea of expectant faces tried to read their mood, this proved very difficult as neither was sure what to feel at the moment. They all sat around the kitchen table with only Charlie missing, dragon handlers didn't have the same penalty clauses in their contracts that the goblins insisted on. A wizard working for Gringotts had to be above reproach, the faintest hint of scandal could see you lose your job. Having it splashed all over the front page of the papers that your mother tried to attack the boy who lived was always going to result in an instant dismissal.
I'm pretty sure the goblins don't give a toss about the petty squabbles of humans. Even leaving aside the fact that his mother was hexed whilst totally unarmed, which is all the author apparently thinks Hermione is good for.
Molly couldn't wait any longer, "Well, what happened?"
Comma splices: also bad for dialogue tags.
Bill was shaking his head, "The new owners are going to tear everything down and build from scratch."
Again Molly tried to look on the bright side,
Click to viewthough she had unshed tears in her eyes at the impending destruction of her home. "We always knew whoever bought the land wouldn't want the house, it stands to reason. At least now we'll be able to get a good start somewhere else."
It was Arthur who dropped the bombshell, "The Potter boy is pressing charges against you, we'll lose over half the gold in fines."
It's worth remembering at such moments that all this is because of something that hasn't happened yet.
Percy wanted to object but his father's tone had left him in no doubt that would not be a wise decision, he just nodded his head in acceptance. The twins were smiling as Arthur turned his gaze to his youngest son, "Ron, I'll give you a choice, return to Hogwarts or be home schooled by your Auntie Muriel?"
I like how nobody seems to have noticed that the Sorting Hat has malfunctioned. It's not like any of them don't know how it works, after all, and surely the fact that Ron has been put in a house he reviles should have been noticed by someone. I don't trust this author to let Dumbledore or Snape do the right thing, except unintentionally, but what about McGonagall?
Arthur turned his attention back towards his sons to deliver a warning, and also because watching Ginny cry was breaking his heart.
The author has realised that even his moon logic can't provide a good reason to bash Arthur and Ginny, but choosing to humanise them now only sends Harry and Hermione even further past the moral event horizon. And they were already making Emily fucking Zacherley look like a sensible and well-adjusted young lady, and I never thought I'd be saying that.
"I have no idea what the situation will be at Hogwarts but if the Potters are there you lot will be on your best behaviour. They have done nothing and acted entirely within the law,
Either they've done nothing or they've acted within the law, not both, since if they've done nothing they have by definition not acted within the law or otherwise. Also, if it's entirely within the law to hex unarmed people in the Great Hall of Hogwarts, the wizarding world has injustices far greater than the ones Harry and Hermione are trying to correct.
Harry and Hermione stepped off the Knight Bus at the public entrance to the Ministry of Magic. They had received some strange glances and a few glares from the other passengers, but Harry was sure their chosen apparel was responsible for that. He was wearing a dark suit Hermione had picked for him and, with a shirt and tie, Harry was dressed as the quintessential Muggle. His wife was also paying no heed to the fact that they were probably going to meet the Minister of Magic today: a pale blue dress with a dark blue jacket was rounded off by matching bag and shoes. Only the wand hidden in a holster on her arm signified she was a witch; they were making no concessions to the magical world, and if they didn't like it, tough!
In the wizarding world, Harry found friends and a place he belonged for the first time in his life, the escape from his miserable existence in the Muggle world that he'd dreamed of (sometimes literally) for ten years. And yet the Muggle world is supposed to be so much better. I get that he wants to troll the Ministry, but I doubt he'd choose this particular way to do so.
Both couldn't help but think the ministry hadn't concerned themselves too much with what clothes the pair were wearing the last time they 'visited' this building, the bastards were too busy making sure they both got kissed.
And this is why capital letters are important. "They both got kissed" doesn't immediately suggest the Dementor's Kiss, but rather the more common and welcome variety.
Hermione understood how emotional this was going to be for Harry, she had been relieved to go first as watching the kiss being administered to Harry would have been worse than the actual deed itself. Add to that he was going to see Sirius again and his emotions were off the scale, she just hoped he didn't do anything reckless. Then again he wouldn't be Harry Potter and the man / boy she loved without that reckless streak, she would just have to be on the alert and, as always cover his back.
I doubt it. We all know what happened last time ITWATN!Hermione faced an armed wizard, a "shit" one at that. I'd rather have canon!Hermione as of the first chapter of Philosopher's Stone watching my back.
Hermione was certain controlling her husband was a lost cause the moment
... the author began the fic.
they entered, there was the chair, complete with chains that they had personal experience of. The dementor in the corner waited quietly behind its containment field, it knew it was going to be fed today but there was even worse to come.
Dementors don't have containment fields; they're held at bay with Patronuses. If I didn't know this author wrote exclusively for Harry Potter, I'd wonder if this wasn't borrowed from another fic with the names and concepts changed. For a fandom where containment fields are, you know, a thing.
The panel of five contained not only Dumbledore but Dolores Umbridge, Hermione was fighting the urge to go down there and kill the bitch herself so Merlin knew what Harry was thinking.
Harry's face was contorted with anger, fortunately most folk thought this was due to his impending meeting with the betrayer of his parents.
ITWATN!Harry is supposed to be an adult, but he's having more trouble keeping his emotions in check than he did in Order of the Phoenix.
Harry stood slowly, knowing every eye was on him. Dumbledore was watching keenly and he'd noticed McGonagall, incredibly accompanied by Remus in the public box. The Hogwarts approach must also be coming today so he thought he'd better make it look good. "I am Lord Harry James Potter, last scion of the Noble and Ancient House of Potter, banisher of the Dark Lord Voldemort.
Because no Stu!Harry fic is complete without the Noble House of Potter guff. At least I don't think this author is going to give him a harem.
Who the fuck are you to call me boy?
There are times when a well-placed "fuck" can really add the finishing touch to a dramatic pronouncement. (This is probably my favourite example.) This, however, is not one of those times. Not least because it's hard to get the same impact when he's already dropping F-bombs left, right and centre. Not so much cluster F-bomb as carpet F-bomb, albeit not quite as bad as Hermione's Talent.
If you're insulted then I offer you the chance to duel, before or after you bring out Black. Either way, can we get on with this, I didn't think anyone could procrastinate worse than Dumbledore but it seems I might be wrong."
The toad wouldn't give it up though, "If the fiction in the press is to be believed, I understand you have no wand. How do you purpose to duel?"
Harry gave her a predatory smile, "I didn't have a wand when I defeated Voldemort!" the gasps at the name again gave him the opening that he was looking for, "What? You think I blasted him with a bad pair of nappies?"
Dumbledore couldn't resist, "And just how did you defeat him Lord Potter?"
Wait, why is Dumbledore on Umbridge's side here? Even given this author's interpretation of him as a power-crazed madman, that makes no sense: she did, after all, try to usurp his authority. Or she will four years into this fic's future, but things not having happened yet isn't stopping Harry and Hermione.
Professor McGonagall called out from the public gallery, "Lord Potter, I have your wand here, we were able to repair it at the castle."
I think what most bugs me about Lord Potter is that it's suggesting that people should look up to Harry not because of his accomplishments or talent, but because of who his parents are. It's just the blood purity doctrine given the most superficial of makeovers and presented as somehow a good thing. The author apparently likes McGonagall, but this manifests in having her buy into this crap.
Amelia was so enjoying the toad getting stepped on and anytime Dumbledore didn't get his own way made her day. It was time to move proceedings on, though she would be more than interested in how the toad tried to squirm her way out of the duel.
Referring to Umbridge as "the toad" once was pushing it. The way the author runs it into the ground makes Deserving look sensible in its use of epithets.
Harry had made it quite plain he wished to discourage attacks on his family, taking down Fudge's hatchet woman would certainly do that. For some reason she never doubted Harry would win.
Amelia knows she's in a Stu!Harry fic.
Harry removed a letter from inside his jacket and offered it to Amelia, "My mother wrote that so I want it back! It was in my family vault and explains that my parents switched secret keepers. This seemed the quickest way to get my godfather free, to be perfectly honest the only person I trust in this room is sitting by my side."
In seven years of visiting Gringotts, canon!Harry never once found this deus ex machina convenient evidence of Sirius' innocence? It'd have been very useful in Prisoner of Azkaban, wouldn't it? More to the point, it was never mentioned when Harry visited Gringotts earlier in this exact same fic, giving the reader the impression that the author just pulled it out of his backside for the sake of plot convenience.
Harry gave Amelia a moment to scan the letter before asking, "Since my godfather is here and still under truth serum, could we ask him what happened that night?"
Dumbledore objected immediately, "I hardly think that's necessary…"
Why does Dumbledore want to keep Sirius in Azkaban when he spent the climax of Prisoner of Azkaban doing his best to get him out of there and kept him secret from the Ministry thereafter? This makes no sense.
"I spent many nights lying in Azkaban wondering how different my life would be if I hadn't let Hagrid take him, only the thought of Harry being happy allowed me to survive all those years, I knew James and Lily had made detailed provisions for him. Why did no one even question me? I was stunned in the street and woke up in that cell in Azkaban, I was an auror and knew that wasn't the way things were supposed to happen."
Harry could see his godfather was now totally free of the drug's effects, "Sirius, I ended up with the Dursleys!"
Only the chains still holding him to the chair prevented Sirius attacking Dumbledore, "What the fuck were you thinking of? You signed their wills as a witness along with me, it specifically stated he was never to go there as they hated magic."
Yes, much better to send him to a family that doesn't hate magic but will be killed or worse along with him when the Death Eaters find out where he is!
Harry removed a scroll out his jacket and offered it to Amelia, "This is a copy of my parents' will, it lists yourself and Professor McGonagall by name as just some of the trustworthy people I should have went to instead. We met Susan briefly in Hogwarts and I would really have liked to have a sister while growing up." He turned to Dumbledore, "We have the how and who, would you care to tell us why?"
Dumbledore actually squirmed, "I had my reasons but don't wish to go into them here and now."
Perfectly valid reasons, as it happens. Reasons without which Harry wouldn't even be there.
Harry didn't think there was a chance in hell Dumbledore would disclose the prophecy here, he liked his secrets and had kept everything to himself before but this time they already knew most of them. "Very well then, the Noble and Ancient Houses of Potter and Black?" Harry looked towards his godfather to see if it was alright to include him in this.
Yes, because Sirius was so proud of his Noble House of Black heritage.
"Your mother and father were friends of mine…"
"Were friends!" screamed Sirius, "You better pray they don't have wands in the afterlife Albus, or Lily Potter will transfigure you into a flobberworm for giving her boy to Petunia.
James was the Transfiguration specialist, but it's rare enough that this fic gives even indirect agency to a female character that I shouldn't complain too much.
Whatever possessed you to do something that was not only criminal but insane?"
"Madam Bones, can I ask why my innocent godfather is still in chains while Dumbledore is clearly guilty of breaking the law yet sits there on a judging panel?"
If Dumbledore left Harry with the Dursleys without the Ministry's approval, how exactly it take ten years to come to light? Surely someone in the meantime would have gone, "Hey, I wonder what happened to the Potters' son?"
The chains fell away and Harry was out of his seat in a flash, Sirius had barely time to stand before Harry had his arms around him. Both of them were barely holding back the tears until Harry pulled away, "There is someone you need to meet."
Hermione was now by his side, "This is Hermione Potter, my wife."
The way this is formatted makes it look as though Hermione was declaring herself to be her own wife. And apparently Sirius is completely unfazed by the fact that the (to his eyes) eleven-year-old boy in front of him has a wife of the same age.
Sirius glanced at the girl before noticing the Potter ring on her finger, next second they were both hugging the confused marauder. He was beginning to wonder if he was still lying in his cell having finally lost his mind, this seemed to be confirmed by his godson's next actions.
"Excuse me a minute Sirius, Madam Umbitch, are you prepared to apologise?"
It's funny because Harry's using a fandom nickname! Ouch, my aching sides.
Dolores was not having a good morning, the minister was standing outside with the press, waiting on the Potters leaving to have his picture taken with them. Everyone expected Black to be found guilty and kissed, when he walks out that door all hell was going to break loose. She let her temper get the better of her, "I have no intention of apologising to a little half-blood upstart like you. I will duel you anytime, anywhere."
This is actually in character for Umbridge, who called a herd of angry centaurs filthy half-breeds to their face. (Or would do so in the future.) In fact, she's probably been the most in character of anyone in ITWATN so far. Probably because "smug arsehole" is the only kind of character this author seems capable of writing.
Harry whipped of his jacket and handed it to Hermione, as he was loosening his tie he called her bluff. "Here and now works for me, I'm sure these kind people would act as witnesses for us."
Dumbledore thought it would be good for the Potter boy to learn some humility, he began erecting duelling shields as Harry was rolling up his sleeves.
Sirius was not amused, "Harry, this is nuts and I wont allow it."
"Sorry Sirius but only my wife is allowed to tell me that."
"Not that I'll listen to her!"
Sirius was beginning to believe these two might actually know what they were doing,
He was, of course, wrong.
Dolores bought the whole act and was feeling supremely confident, handing Potter his arse in front of everyone here would soon put an end to this 'chosen one' nonsense. It would also look great on her CV.
Ministry of Magic, London
Senior Undersecretary: During the course of this employment, I hexed an eleven-year-old boy.
Amelia was going over the rules but Harry wasn't listening, while in Australia Dan had introduced him to the game of pool. He'd picked it up so fast Dan used to jokingly accuse him of using the cue like a wand to perform magic. Here was his chance to put the toad in the corner pocket.
So he uses his 1337 pool skillz to resolve the plot. When did this become a Red Dwarf episode?
When Harry got into the right position, he unleashed a barrage of spells, four stupefies and an expelliarmus in as many seconds. The first two Stupefies impacted on her shield, the third one shattered it before the fourth one ended the duel. The expelliarmus whipped her wand out her hand and flung her violently backwards, she bounced off Dumbledore's duelling ward straight and true, right into the Dementor's containment shield.
The very nature of the shield was to contain the Dementor while allowing the condemned prisoners to pass through unhindered, Dolores sailed right through the shield into death's waiting arms. The Dementor was well aware anything passing through the shield belonged to it, Dolores was being kissed before anyone had time to react.
Trying to get Dolores away from the Dementor was a bit like trying to take a juicy bone off a pit bull, when it finally let go, Dolores Umbridge was no more.
Dumbledore was livid, "See what your reckless cavalier attitude has caused, you have that woman's death on your conscience."
Canon!Dumbledore would probably have regarded Umbridge getting om-nommed by a Dementor (why is this the only piece of wizarding vocabulary the author seems able to capitalise properly?) as poetic justice, and her own silly fault for rising to Harry's bait. It's a measure of just how well JKR wrote Umbridge as a character we love to hate that I'm even siding with ITWATN!Harry over her. The difference is that ITWATN!Harry was supposed to be sympathetic.
Harry could quite happily live with that but wasn't prepared to show it here,
Oh, now he discovers the value of restraint.
Harry's plan had formed the instant he'd noticed that the old goat hadn't shielded the Dementor, as far as he was concerned the toad got exactly what she deserved. The vicious and cruel witch had forced him to watch as Hermione had her soul sucked out, payback was a bitch!
Payback for... something she's not done yet.
Harry was engulfed by bushy brown hair as Hermione pounced on him, Sirius had the good graces to wait until they had finished kissing before smacking Harry on the back of the head. "Don't do that to me again, you just took years off my life. You were bloody brilliant though!"
"I'm merely brilliant, my wife here is the brains of the family. She's a genius."
Let's not mention the part where she gets overpowered twice by a shit wizard. Anyway, they all go back to the Grangers' and tell Sirius the full story.
He turned towards his godfather, "Padfoot, Hermione and I met you and Moony in our third year of Hogwarts. We left before our seventh year as Dumbledore was already dead and we had a job to do. We did that job and finally defeated Voldemort, only for the purebloods to take over the country.
Well, almost the full story. Conveniently missing out the bit where the purebloods only took over because Harry and Hermione buggered off to Australia. Nice job breaking it, designated hero.