Deserving Chapter 15
Just for a lark I tried reading one of the author's other fics. I got as far as the "sexually binding curse" that had been put on Snape by Voldemort and inherited by Harry. Yes, it's what you think it is and yes, it's so contrived it puts Deserving to shame. On which subject...
One late evening, Harry and Severus were in the sitting room, when the floo flared up. Harry granted permission and saw to his disdain that it was the whole Doom’s Day party: Kings, Minerva, Poppy and Dennis.
Vote Doomsday Party for a brighter tomorrow! (Albeit a shorter one.)
“Harry, do you remember in what state you found Pansy?”
I can't read this question without flashing back to this Only Fools and Horses episode.
Jonathan Ross: In which state was John F. Kennedy when he was shot?
Del: Well, he was in a terrible state!
Now why was he bringing that up again? How many times can a wizard say he was sorry?
When even the characters are noticing that the plot is going round in circles, there's something wrong.
“Well, Mr. Potter, it seems that we have made a heart wrenching discovery,” continued Poppy.
Who talks like that?
“Yes, Mr. Potter, we have found that the Guides are not starving their Marked Ones, but indeed they are killing them,” ended Minerva.
Really? You want to convey the drama and tension of this horrific discovery with a good-news-bad-news routine?
Harry hated when they took a page out of the twins’ book and spoke like this.
Giving a whole new meaning to "message from Fred".
“Look, I seriously doubt that after Goyle’s death the Guides would even think of hurting another mentee . The Ministry sent out a clear message. Abuse will not be tolerated. Remember that’s how I ended up saddled with him?” said Harry, pointing his chin in Snape’s direction.
And of course Harry hasn't abused Severus in the slightest in the course of this fic.
Harry gave her a glare and Kings feared their purpose would be lost if he did not intervene.
Lost in the same place as the narrative coherence, no doubt. POV, dammit!
“Harry, they are killing them slowly and in a way that can not be detected or traced back to them.”
“And you know this how?” asked the skeptic Gryffindor.
That's kind of a good question. If it can't be detected nor traced back, then how is it even possible for them to know who's doing it?
The four visitors looked at each other and seem to debate if Harry was worthy of such information. It seems that it was up to Dennis to give to go ahead because at his nod Kingsley continued.
Meanwhile here the author appears to be going out of her way to avoid slipping from Harry's POV. It could be (far) more elegantly phrased, but it's better.
“Harry, we have rescued some Marked Ones that were being severally abused,”
At least they weren't being abused together. (I didn't know the word "severally", so thanks I guess.)
“As you can imagine we have fed and tended to their health. But no amount of food and protein potions has improved their health. Each day they grow weaker.”
Protein potions: because they can't decide whether to use magic or science? Actually, the interaction of Muggle medicine with magic becomes relevant to the plot later. I don't know whether the author intended this to be foreshadowing, but it does kind of work.
Harry had to ask, “Has she been rescued?”
There was no need to ask who ‘she’ referred to.
Dennis shook his head and it dawned on Harry that Mr. Creevy’s youngest son was part of a very dangerous rescue squad.
Probably because he was told a few paragraphs ago. Is Harry's brain running on a time delay in this scene? I guess it makes a change in this fic from not running at all.
“Dennis, what are you doing involved in all of this? Do you have an idea what would happen to your dad if something happened to you?”
“Shut it Harry, unlike you, my father doesn’t believe that you fill your quota of good doing.
Oh, burn! So much for Dennis the fanboy.
“Seen the abuse?”
“Our house seems the perfect cooling off place. Single’s men do not go into Muggle homes.”
“What? Are you mad? You are not only placing yourself at risk but also your father,” stated the outraged Guide.
Again the time delay. It's only just dawned on him that Creevey senior is involved.
Also, if you really must go throwing your £100 dialogue tags around, at least make sure they're appropriate. "Stated" doesn't really convey outrage.
“We are saving innocent people. That might mean little to you but it means everything thing to us. My dad is very proud of our work,” said the kid trying to hold back tears of rage. How can Harry not see the value in what they were doing?
Because you abandoned his POV before his time-delayed brain got the chance to contemplate the question.
“Harry we need Severus. If we are going to find a cure before this takes a life he is going to have to help us brew and antidote,” stated Kingsley,
There's really no point indulging in said-bookisms to avoid repeating "said" if you're going to repeat "stated". In fact, a repetition of "stated" stands out a lot more than a repetition of "said".
bringing Harry’s attention away from the young Gryffindor and back to the core of the group.
The young Gryffindor, as opposed to Harry the old Hufflepuff? Misused epithets suck, and are a regular feature of fanficrants. Epithets that apply to more than one character in the scene are the worst of the lot.
“Look, good try. I am sure that Snape firecalled you to ask you to find a way to get him back to his favorite…”
His favourite what? Interrupted sentences generally only work if the reader knows what the interruption was, or if the author is trying to build suspense. And the latter seems contrived here because we have free access to every character's POV.
“Severus had nothing to do with this. Mr. Potter I can assure you that if we were not in the direst need of his abilities we would have not crossed your floo,” insisted Minerva.
Because we couldn't have figured out that this was an insistence without the dialogue tag telling us.
“Mr. Potter you have a child, a beautiful, healthy child. You can not stand there and deny other children the right to a healthy life,” admonished Poppy, who lately seemed to rub Harry in the wrong way.
Or that this was an admonishment, or that Madam Pomfrey hasn't been Harry's favourite person in the fic so far.
“Leave… NOW… please.” His eyes where looking at an undetermined spot and were glazed with a coldness never seen in the Chosen One.
They looked at each other and seemed to determine that it was a lost cause and left quietly. [snip] These were the fears that accompanied Minerva, Kingsley, Dennis and Poppy as they departed.
Are they a hive mind? Not only has the POV made yet another leap, it seems to be simultaneously from everyone's.
Once alone, Severus did not move, his breathing becoming barely discernible. The information given that night had shocked him. Could his little snakes really be dying?
Does Severus Snape really think of his ex-students as his "little snakes"? I think the Freudian implications speak for themselves, don't you?
“I assure you Sir I did not call them. This…”
“You lie!
Sorry, couldn't resist. >.>
“I have only once made a firecall without your consent,” he defended himself.
You don't need to tell us he's defending himself when you're showing us he's defending himself by the dialogue! We're not idiots!
“And I will not stand here discussing a mute point.
The latest wrongworddammit entry to be inspired by this fic.
If you wish to punish me accio the ruler
I won't say it.
“Ahh yes, the guilt card. Well, it was only natural that you use that one since the Richard card didn’t work.”
"I say, that was a superb strategical move at a critical juncture!"
His husband had told him not to do that anymore but he felt he would remind the Gryffindor that he was once again punishing him. He knew it was petty but if he knew his husband’s Gryffindor mind
Which house was Harry in? I think I missed that bit.
it would jolt the punisher.
There's an interesting crossover.
Then he remembered that he had not used the lube and was half way standing when he decided to get back on his knees, no, this was a punishment.
It occurs to me that the fact that lube wasn't mentioned until fairly late in the story of Harry and Severus's adventures in buggery might have been because the writer had to be reminded of it. (Leaving aside the perennial fanficrants debate about how necessary the stuff is anyway.) At least she didn't think it was an activity.
“AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” Harry bellowed.
Severus closed his eyes and cringed. Harry answered his fear. “I cast a silencing spell.
Wait, what? Epic continuity!fail.
He swallowed the cock
ETA: Wouldn't that kind of imply that it's no longer attached? Ouch!
[the cock] that seemed to have the odd ability to change size.
O RLY?
He was startled out of his thought by Harry’s command.
“Get up.”
Isn't that what Harry's supposed to be doing?
“Snape… I will not say it again. NOW!” Harry brought his hand to Snape’s stomach and then brought them up to his shoulders; he grabbed tight and pulled his husband down. Severus’ head fell back and his face contorted into a voiceless scream.
The silencing spell was specifically to silence Severus. Not a continuity!fail then, but the narration could have made it clearer.
EXTREME SQUICK: HIGHLIGHT TO READ
“Like that… that’s it… so tight…” but it was then when Harry felt it. It was a warm liquid sliding down his cock. It took him a second before he realized it was blood; Severus’ blood. He pushed the man off his lap sending him toppling to the floor. There he could see the blood trickling out of Severus’ hole.
There's some squicky stuff in the fic (see also: hot Crabbe-on-elf action) but I'd completely forgotten this. I think 15 was one of the chapters I skim-read last time. Fuck you, Deserving. Fuck you very much. D8
Anyway, he's healed by an enema of "magic water" (seriously, that was the author's exact wording) courtesy of Kreacher. Then there's more buggery and it goes right this time.
Continued...
One late evening, Harry and Severus were in the sitting room, when the floo flared up. Harry granted permission and saw to his disdain that it was the whole Doom’s Day party: Kings, Minerva, Poppy and Dennis.
Vote Doomsday Party for a brighter tomorrow! (Albeit a shorter one.)
“Harry, do you remember in what state you found Pansy?”
I can't read this question without flashing back to this Only Fools and Horses episode.
Jonathan Ross: In which state was John F. Kennedy when he was shot?
Del: Well, he was in a terrible state!
Now why was he bringing that up again? How many times can a wizard say he was sorry?
When even the characters are noticing that the plot is going round in circles, there's something wrong.
“Well, Mr. Potter, it seems that we have made a heart wrenching discovery,” continued Poppy.
Who talks like that?
“Yes, Mr. Potter, we have found that the Guides are not starving their Marked Ones, but indeed they are killing them,” ended Minerva.
Really? You want to convey the drama and tension of this horrific discovery with a good-news-bad-news routine?
Harry hated when they took a page out of the twins’ book and spoke like this.
Giving a whole new meaning to "message from Fred".
“Look, I seriously doubt that after Goyle’s death the Guides would even think of hurting another mentee . The Ministry sent out a clear message. Abuse will not be tolerated. Remember that’s how I ended up saddled with him?” said Harry, pointing his chin in Snape’s direction.
And of course Harry hasn't abused Severus in the slightest in the course of this fic.
Harry gave her a glare and Kings feared their purpose would be lost if he did not intervene.
Lost in the same place as the narrative coherence, no doubt. POV, dammit!
“Harry, they are killing them slowly and in a way that can not be detected or traced back to them.”
“And you know this how?” asked the skeptic Gryffindor.
That's kind of a good question. If it can't be detected nor traced back, then how is it even possible for them to know who's doing it?
The four visitors looked at each other and seem to debate if Harry was worthy of such information. It seems that it was up to Dennis to give to go ahead because at his nod Kingsley continued.
Meanwhile here the author appears to be going out of her way to avoid slipping from Harry's POV. It could be (far) more elegantly phrased, but it's better.
“Harry, we have rescued some Marked Ones that were being severally abused,”
At least they weren't being abused together. (I didn't know the word "severally", so thanks I guess.)
“As you can imagine we have fed and tended to their health. But no amount of food and protein potions has improved their health. Each day they grow weaker.”
Protein potions: because they can't decide whether to use magic or science? Actually, the interaction of Muggle medicine with magic becomes relevant to the plot later. I don't know whether the author intended this to be foreshadowing, but it does kind of work.
Harry had to ask, “Has she been rescued?”
There was no need to ask who ‘she’ referred to.
Dennis shook his head and it dawned on Harry that Mr. Creevy’s youngest son was part of a very dangerous rescue squad.
Probably because he was told a few paragraphs ago. Is Harry's brain running on a time delay in this scene? I guess it makes a change in this fic from not running at all.
“Dennis, what are you doing involved in all of this? Do you have an idea what would happen to your dad if something happened to you?”
“Shut it Harry, unlike you, my father doesn’t believe that you fill your quota of good doing.
Oh, burn! So much for Dennis the fanboy.
“Seen the abuse?”
“Our house seems the perfect cooling off place. Single’s men do not go into Muggle homes.”
“What? Are you mad? You are not only placing yourself at risk but also your father,” stated the outraged Guide.
Again the time delay. It's only just dawned on him that Creevey senior is involved.
Also, if you really must go throwing your £100 dialogue tags around, at least make sure they're appropriate. "Stated" doesn't really convey outrage.
“We are saving innocent people. That might mean little to you but it means everything thing to us. My dad is very proud of our work,” said the kid trying to hold back tears of rage. How can Harry not see the value in what they were doing?
Because you abandoned his POV before his time-delayed brain got the chance to contemplate the question.
“Harry we need Severus. If we are going to find a cure before this takes a life he is going to have to help us brew and antidote,” stated Kingsley,
There's really no point indulging in said-bookisms to avoid repeating "said" if you're going to repeat "stated". In fact, a repetition of "stated" stands out a lot more than a repetition of "said".
bringing Harry’s attention away from the young Gryffindor and back to the core of the group.
The young Gryffindor, as opposed to Harry the old Hufflepuff? Misused epithets suck, and are a regular feature of fanficrants. Epithets that apply to more than one character in the scene are the worst of the lot.
“Look, good try. I am sure that Snape firecalled you to ask you to find a way to get him back to his favorite…”
His favourite what? Interrupted sentences generally only work if the reader knows what the interruption was, or if the author is trying to build suspense. And the latter seems contrived here because we have free access to every character's POV.
“Severus had nothing to do with this. Mr. Potter I can assure you that if we were not in the direst need of his abilities we would have not crossed your floo,” insisted Minerva.
Because we couldn't have figured out that this was an insistence without the dialogue tag telling us.
“Mr. Potter you have a child, a beautiful, healthy child. You can not stand there and deny other children the right to a healthy life,” admonished Poppy, who lately seemed to rub Harry in the wrong way.
Or that this was an admonishment, or that Madam Pomfrey hasn't been Harry's favourite person in the fic so far.
“Leave… NOW… please.” His eyes where looking at an undetermined spot and were glazed with a coldness never seen in the Chosen One.
They looked at each other and seemed to determine that it was a lost cause and left quietly. [snip] These were the fears that accompanied Minerva, Kingsley, Dennis and Poppy as they departed.
Are they a hive mind? Not only has the POV made yet another leap, it seems to be simultaneously from everyone's.
Once alone, Severus did not move, his breathing becoming barely discernible. The information given that night had shocked him. Could his little snakes really be dying?
Does Severus Snape really think of his ex-students as his "little snakes"? I think the Freudian implications speak for themselves, don't you?
“I assure you Sir I did not call them. This…”
“You lie!
Sorry, couldn't resist. >.>
“I have only once made a firecall without your consent,” he defended himself.
You don't need to tell us he's defending himself when you're showing us he's defending himself by the dialogue! We're not idiots!
“And I will not stand here discussing a mute point.
The latest wrongworddammit entry to be inspired by this fic.
If you wish to punish me accio the ruler
I won't say it.
“Ahh yes, the guilt card. Well, it was only natural that you use that one since the Richard card didn’t work.”
"I say, that was a superb strategical move at a critical juncture!"
His husband had told him not to do that anymore but he felt he would remind the Gryffindor that he was once again punishing him. He knew it was petty but if he knew his husband’s Gryffindor mind
Which house was Harry in? I think I missed that bit.
it would jolt the punisher.
There's an interesting crossover.
Then he remembered that he had not used the lube and was half way standing when he decided to get back on his knees, no, this was a punishment.
It occurs to me that the fact that lube wasn't mentioned until fairly late in the story of Harry and Severus's adventures in buggery might have been because the writer had to be reminded of it. (Leaving aside the perennial fanficrants debate about how necessary the stuff is anyway.) At least she didn't think it was an activity.
“AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” Harry bellowed.
Severus closed his eyes and cringed. Harry answered his fear. “I cast a silencing spell.
Wait, what? Epic continuity!fail.
He swallowed the cock
ETA: Wouldn't that kind of imply that it's no longer attached? Ouch!
[the cock] that seemed to have the odd ability to change size.
O RLY?
He was startled out of his thought by Harry’s command.
“Get up.”
Isn't that what Harry's supposed to be doing?
“Snape… I will not say it again. NOW!” Harry brought his hand to Snape’s stomach and then brought them up to his shoulders; he grabbed tight and pulled his husband down. Severus’ head fell back and his face contorted into a voiceless scream.
The silencing spell was specifically to silence Severus. Not a continuity!fail then, but the narration could have made it clearer.
EXTREME SQUICK: HIGHLIGHT TO READ
“Like that… that’s it… so tight…” but it was then when Harry felt it. It was a warm liquid sliding down his cock. It took him a second before he realized it was blood; Severus’ blood. He pushed the man off his lap sending him toppling to the floor. There he could see the blood trickling out of Severus’ hole.
There's some squicky stuff in the fic (see also: hot Crabbe-on-elf action) but I'd completely forgotten this. I think 15 was one of the chapters I skim-read last time. Fuck you, Deserving. Fuck you very much. D8
Anyway, he's healed by an enema of "magic water" (seriously, that was the author's exact wording) courtesy of Kreacher. Then there's more buggery and it goes right this time.
Continued...