similes are such pretty death traps

[syriinx]

So, the Bad Sex Awards are back, and this year the winner is pretty hilarious due to the similes alone. Consider:

Fingers are "mining up, like an otter through wet sand" (I totally don't get this...otters mine?) and "tender enough to hold a tiny bird."
Nipples are "upturned like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal, sniffing in the night." (

Comments

[coneycat]

Der God. At least with the Bulwer-Lytton contest, the bad opening sentences are created specifically for the contest. But he wrote this? On purpose? In a book that got published? Where was his editor? Where were his long-suffering "read my MS, please!" friends???

I think I need to look up interviews with this guy to see if there's any chance he did this on purpose.

Also, ew! Noses!

[syriinx]

Oh yeah, that's published. It wasn't meant to be bad. That's a serious attempt at writing a sex scene. And honestly, ever since reading it I keep thinking of a woman with live raccoons for breasts and I can't help but wonder what possessed him to make that comparison. I'm also having a hard time figuring out why he thinks women are like "tough-skinned" insects that are apparently physically difficult to have sex with. It just boggles my mind.

[coneycat]

Yes, the questions about the author's personal life just keep coming.

Possums. That's what I was thinking. And also possum teeth, frankly.

And now... I gotta stop.

[coneycat]

Na href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/7926961/The-Shape-of-Her-by-Rowan-Somerville-review.html">Actually, reading the reviews it might not even be an entirely bad book. But I can only imagine how jarring the winning scene was to the unwary reviewer.

[syriinx]

Admittedly, I judged the book by its cover, which looks like something written by Kim Harrison. No good can come from that. I am a little distressed that it takes place in Greece, because now I'm almost inclined to go read it despite the fact that it seems to be all about repressed sexual abuse, which makes that insect thing far more disturbing.

The Bad Sex Awards always seem to take scenes written by highly literary authors, which usually just makes it all the more amusing.

[coneycat]

The Bad Sex Awards always seem to take scenes written by highly literary authors, which usually just makes it all the more amusing.

Possible proof that a writer needs to get out of their own head once in a while??

[syriinx]

And stop trying to be pretentious while writing sex, or while simply writing. Yes. ;)

[thepastperfect]

Nipples are "upturned like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal, sniffing in the night."
EWWWWWW okay this line needs to not exist.

[syriinx]

Along with the wrongness of the sniffing nocturnal animal comparison, my brain gets stuck on the word loveliest, as if that's going to make that simile better. IT DOESN'T. Not at all.

[sightseek]

I saw this, too! Major LOL!

Seriously? The nocturnal animals?

[syriinx]

And the sniffing! Okay, it's one thing to make comparisons to "lovely" animal noses, but did they really have to be sniffing?