Side effects
It's gone too far. My disgust with society and attempts to thrive in my environment cause such extreme tension with my inability to act with a unified foundation, think linearly, and even have standard physical health, both neurologically and biologically. I had been bouncing off the bottom for a few days now and for some reason the dissonance in my perception in how to perform in life shattered.
I want nothing to do with this world. Even the concept of a pantheistic, non-conscious god is nothing but the source of humanitarian morbidity. Nothing can be trusted. Everyone around you is no more than behaviors that are mere illusory emulations of some level of humanity inside which already lacks meaning in itself. I don't want to see people much anymore. In certain cases, I can interact as I always have, but only with enough deceptive, hedonistic pleasure to experience the human state without anxiety. Nothing is different. I still enjoy the human existence, but it's terrible. It can be good but it is also solely responsible for all suffering. I can still talk to those around me. At work I probably won't be any different. But in any optional situations I just feel anxiety. All I can feel is an intense anxiety that completely clouds my ability to think. I have nothing to hold on to but people in a social setting itself and this unsatisfiable need is destroying me. Just as it always has.
Everyone is full of shit and I don't want to talk about this. No one understands merely because they are different people. This is fine and I don't want anyone to take any offense by my behavior but for the most part I want to be left alone unless there is a strict purpose behind communication. Perhaps it'll blow over immediately. Maybe this is permanent. But it's never happened to me and my mind hasn't been this clear in who knows how long. I'm slowly getting calmer but it's still too soon to say. I'm reading again for the first time in over a year. Life is being reborn to me and I don't want any fucking interference by anyone telling me backwards delusions that only act as security blankets.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
If you have any sort of purpose behind it, I'm perfectly happy to help and don't be afraid to ask.
I don't know how long this will last.
Don't be offended.
Oh, and by the way, my new phone which totally sucks and is broken is being replaced in 5-7 business days. So leave voicemail messages.
I want nothing to do with this world. Even the concept of a pantheistic, non-conscious god is nothing but the source of humanitarian morbidity. Nothing can be trusted. Everyone around you is no more than behaviors that are mere illusory emulations of some level of humanity inside which already lacks meaning in itself. I don't want to see people much anymore. In certain cases, I can interact as I always have, but only with enough deceptive, hedonistic pleasure to experience the human state without anxiety. Nothing is different. I still enjoy the human existence, but it's terrible. It can be good but it is also solely responsible for all suffering. I can still talk to those around me. At work I probably won't be any different. But in any optional situations I just feel anxiety. All I can feel is an intense anxiety that completely clouds my ability to think. I have nothing to hold on to but people in a social setting itself and this unsatisfiable need is destroying me. Just as it always has.
Everyone is full of shit and I don't want to talk about this. No one understands merely because they are different people. This is fine and I don't want anyone to take any offense by my behavior but for the most part I want to be left alone unless there is a strict purpose behind communication. Perhaps it'll blow over immediately. Maybe this is permanent. But it's never happened to me and my mind hasn't been this clear in who knows how long. I'm slowly getting calmer but it's still too soon to say. I'm reading again for the first time in over a year. Life is being reborn to me and I don't want any fucking interference by anyone telling me backwards delusions that only act as security blankets.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
If you have any sort of purpose behind it, I'm perfectly happy to help and don't be afraid to ask.
I don't know how long this will last.
Don't be offended.
Oh, and by the way, my new phone which totally sucks and is broken is being replaced in 5-7 business days. So leave voicemail messages.