Jul 13, 2008 16:57
So, we established that I hate responsibility. Responsibility is like, 'we don't have enough physiological needs to struggle with, so let's make up some new ones that aren't real at all'. Hunger, sleep, survival, sex, etc. are not responsibilities because they are not essential. They are of pure existential worth and in life the only existential worth (and all the evolutionary theory being a macro version). So, basic needs are good. It's when you come up with synthetic systems for managing these needs that you run into trouble. For example, you don't have a responsibility to be secure, but you must be responsible if you choose to have a house and the many problems that comes with it. Either way, life is about fulfilling these needs without necessarily having these essential systems. This is good. To be human is to make these systems but they must be kept representative of existence.
Mood swings last about two weeks and are in general pretty predictable (even though they must be triggered by life events). Depression can be confused with the mood swings but is distinct in that it does not have the two week swing. So, if I get depressed for two weeks but start to feel better, but I still feel depressed, in time I can see that I am depressed but I am having an upswing in the depression - the bipolar and general depression are independent and occur inside each other. As with the last real relationship, the problem is not the bipolar swings but the depression that the negative and positive swings exist inside of. Once that relationship ended, the swings continued as normal, but the higher depression entirely dissipated. I think I am in a similar state right now to the whole problem from before: an upswing inside of a state of depression. I fear things because they will be total triggers to the depression. This is why responsibility is so relevant.
I don't want to do a lot of things. I want to be free of parental rules, inability to drive anywhere (I don't want to be trapped), I love money, and so on. The point is that those are essential responsibilities. Responsibilities develop to yourself when you tolerate a standard so you don't have to pay a cost - paying rent, buying a car, and getting a better job, respectively. When you remove a person's intellectual higher mental functioning, they still work. They, by default, will 'follow responsibilities'. People may say they hate their jobs, but most of the time they won't say they don't want to work. They accept it and make it part of their being. While they still have some sort of responsibility, it is not actively present in their mind because it is what defines their mind. It's the acceptance that makes the difference. Is it responsibility if you want to do it? Seems like the free will arguments on liberty by the empiricists, to me, and we can leave it for their writings to work out.
The responsibility thing is most likely the most promising thing I have to contemplate. Why is it that something I can fear and have even suffered for in the past not destroy me? In any other circumstance, I know and understand these things. I'm right and will be able to predict the maladaptive effects. This change of responsibility is the exception. The relationship was widespread. I felt totally depressed and needed the relationship to hold onto. I knew exactly how it ending would affect me: a couple of panic attacks, serious depression for three weeks, continuous depression for three or four months. As soon as there was a hint of trouble, the anger instinct kicked in to protect me from my self-esteem, but also I started feeling a lot better. The depression was actually magically clearing. By the time I ended it, I was smug as fuck and felt great for the first time in months.
I guess you can call that a commitment issue, too. But 'commitment issues' are just the responsibilities thing in relationships. Haven't understood the benefits of committed relationships since. Not that this has played a factor yet, but jealousy is just a self-imposed essential responsibility for protecting your property (as genetically requested by evolution). I think I could get around this by acknowledging the cognitive anxiety of it and abandoning the person as property. This is what makes modifying essential responsibility so effective: you are not changing your lifestyle or situations in focus, but rather, you are literally changing you are, how you think, and how your brain processes information. Good evidence for the impermanence of the human identity (in lighter terms, the 'dynamic growth of our inner beings').
With my change of perspective (standards of proper social conduct coming soon, almost done), my mind has changed in ways I couldn't predict because it's hard to fool yourself. I had a very limited perspective. From input I've been getting from 'different' crowds of people, I've gotten past the stale picture of my environment and those around me. Even meeting a new group of people, while awesome, were like people I would be friends with in high school. Fun, but in essence very closed minded. Point is, existential loneliness is a good thing - no one can ever know you, thus no one can ever hurt you. You are always going to be safe in yourself. Also, forget your history, get a better job and a better life. Your insecurities of it are just rationalizing and aren't worth acknowledging.
The collapse of my social interests was a taboo in my mind. It altered my mind, however. For the first time in forever, I can read, pursue new interests, and fulfill obligations and the non-restrictive responsibilities with joy. I've enjoyed socializing even more, for the most part. I look forward to the future. School doesn't seem so disappointing anymore. Living alone, while reminding me of the New Mexico Tech incident, once I decided I hated everyone, seemed appealing for the first time ever. And thank God, too, three days later and I'd be fucked.
I want to break away from my scene, culture, society, and everything I am a part of. I want to participate but not as a member of something that has no membership. My only loyal home is the joys of loneliness and nihilistic isolation because that's all you'll ever have - may as well enjoy it. I want to bring me, my passions, and my emptiness to the other worlds and enjoy them as a friend or ally, just not as a citizen. It is nihilistic, yes, but the world is subject to nihilism. There's no static meaning and it's not worth competing, just existentially flowing with it. It's not about the fitting in and being one of them. That does make a huge difference but someone who is witty, outgoing, or likable can win anyone over. So don't fight for respect, a meaningless and relative concept, have innate worth existentially. There is no meaning to mess it up so the pure worth of your physical existence and cognitive-behavioral skills are all you need.
Hopefully that works.