Tanx Hebba
I was gonna answer your reply to my last post but i figured i was gonna post whats new anyway. but i agree with you i need to see a therapist because everyone ELSE is dragging me down. im not being self destructive but even my therapist thinks its me and no others. i learned something about myself. i let myself get sucked into drama. even though it has nothing to do with me if people argue i get upset. i also get yelled at for doing this. its because i have feelings and emotions. i wish i could detatch and care about myself but i cant relax when there are people threatening to kill other people outside my door and here is why : a)someone will get hurt and the cops will be called
b) a neighbor will get fed up with hte noise and the cops will be called.
c) my husband will get fed up join the fray and the cops will be called.
if the police get called many things could happen including me going to jail cause im in a house in a known drug area with drugs in it. they dont care if a drug test comes out clean im in that environment and i used myget out of jail card already (and no it wasnt free cost me 1300 bux) not too mention a bevy of other problems if i have to pee i have to walk trough the frayand get sucked into it and once the fray became a knife fight. (at least i wasnt there for that) so yes when a fight begins for any reason i become apprehensive and suck in the drama. i spend more time worrying about if something is going on then enjoying the peace while i have it. i only fully relax when the 2 of them (and hopefully ooboo) is out of the house. that is a VERY rare time because matt never wants to leave the house. i dont understand these people either they live mindlessly in front of the television. they dont take in a movie or walk through a park and enjoy the beauty. not the sunset nothing. mindless drolls in front of the tv. my husband is kind of like that but i started coaxing him outside more. when we lived in neptune it was easier cause i could always get him out to the boardwalk. keansburg doesn have one. now he took me out last time there was a real bad argument to ocean county park. just driving through made me breathe easier. the families barbecuing and playing baseball. i wanted to be those families. it saddens me that i cant be. i sed to have that. my dads side. in the backyard playing badminton or volleyball or softball. barbecuing and climbing in the tree house. playing on the swings sitting on the deck with the citronella candles. i hated when it was ime to go inside cause it seemed like we just got outside even though we had been there all day. now w only seem to gather out of obligation. (at least thats how it feel to me) my cousin jenn calls me once in awhile for a gathering but i dont even know when theres a sunday BBQ. i didnt come on easter and for once i didnt call and you know what...no one called me either. i know im the kid but no one asked what i was doing. theres stil easter candy downstairs so i guess the kids came over but who knows? i want the family for my chidren like i had. and all i can give them is crazy on one side and unhappy on the other. i never asked for this. what could i have done that was so bad that i am so punished by so many people that are supposed to love me? everything else is "obligation" you know why i show up on christmas? to see my family cause i barely see them throughout the year and at xmas at least we are festive enough to put gripes aside (although they sure are whispered in my ear) i go for the familiarity of dinner and family. i wanted to introduce my husband to my family to show him that crazy isnt it that families love each other and get along and show him we can have that when we have children. instead it was awkward. i get excuses that maybe i shouldnt bring him its a bad year.....no its me. nobody wants me so they certainly dont want my husband whom they dont approve of. hes working hard to be th man that supports me and take care of me but nobodysees past mistakes. thats why we cant even move forward. everyone expects the least of us and shoots us down. i give up ...again
b) a neighbor will get fed up with hte noise and the cops will be called.
c) my husband will get fed up join the fray and the cops will be called.
if the police get called many things could happen including me going to jail cause im in a house in a known drug area with drugs in it. they dont care if a drug test comes out clean im in that environment and i used myget out of jail card already (and no it wasnt free cost me 1300 bux) not too mention a bevy of other problems if i have to pee i have to walk trough the frayand get sucked into it and once the fray became a knife fight. (at least i wasnt there for that) so yes when a fight begins for any reason i become apprehensive and suck in the drama. i spend more time worrying about if something is going on then enjoying the peace while i have it. i only fully relax when the 2 of them (and hopefully ooboo) is out of the house. that is a VERY rare time because matt never wants to leave the house. i dont understand these people either they live mindlessly in front of the television. they dont take in a movie or walk through a park and enjoy the beauty. not the sunset nothing. mindless drolls in front of the tv. my husband is kind of like that but i started coaxing him outside more. when we lived in neptune it was easier cause i could always get him out to the boardwalk. keansburg doesn have one. now he took me out last time there was a real bad argument to ocean county park. just driving through made me breathe easier. the families barbecuing and playing baseball. i wanted to be those families. it saddens me that i cant be. i sed to have that. my dads side. in the backyard playing badminton or volleyball or softball. barbecuing and climbing in the tree house. playing on the swings sitting on the deck with the citronella candles. i hated when it was ime to go inside cause it seemed like we just got outside even though we had been there all day. now w only seem to gather out of obligation. (at least thats how it feel to me) my cousin jenn calls me once in awhile for a gathering but i dont even know when theres a sunday BBQ. i didnt come on easter and for once i didnt call and you know what...no one called me either. i know im the kid but no one asked what i was doing. theres stil easter candy downstairs so i guess the kids came over but who knows? i want the family for my chidren like i had. and all i can give them is crazy on one side and unhappy on the other. i never asked for this. what could i have done that was so bad that i am so punished by so many people that are supposed to love me? everything else is "obligation" you know why i show up on christmas? to see my family cause i barely see them throughout the year and at xmas at least we are festive enough to put gripes aside (although they sure are whispered in my ear) i go for the familiarity of dinner and family. i wanted to introduce my husband to my family to show him that crazy isnt it that families love each other and get along and show him we can have that when we have children. instead it was awkward. i get excuses that maybe i shouldnt bring him its a bad year.....no its me. nobody wants me so they certainly dont want my husband whom they dont approve of. hes working hard to be th man that supports me and take care of me but nobodysees past mistakes. thats why we cant even move forward. everyone expects the least of us and shoots us down. i give up ...again