why bother
i dont know why im writing no one else seems to but i guess i gotta get it out somewhere. i just cant seem to get it together. the spa STILL hasnt called me back. 3 interviews 6 weeks....how long does it take honestly? i better get the job after all the waiting they made me do. im so hungry i have the stress munchies. im refusing to eat cause i hit a losing plateau finally kicked it and dropped 5 more lbs. im not trying to go back into a slump. i would feel so much better if i just grabbed a little something but i have to stop using food for comfort. the problem is i have nothing else for comfort now. not even my husband. weve been apart for 9 months and desperatly trying to get back together again. we are working hard but unable to save cause everyone keeps grabbing evry cent we got. evry time jr gets paid his brother throws a fit and pulls wires out of the house and threatens to set the house on fire till jr gives him money. my mom keeps telloing me how broke she is and there is no food in the house (literally) until i feel guilty enough to go shopping. i cant complain she puts a roof over my head and i wouldnt have a car without her but still. jr got a major promotion 2 months in at the job and 3 raises coming in in the next month or so. but now hes a crew cheif and his partner keeps calling out of work. every time he calls out jr cant work. it requires a partner. im back to sleeping on the floor again. my mom had bought an air mattress for tonianne to sleep on instead of giving her just a beat up mattress on the floor. but somehow i ended up on the mattress on the living room floor. and somehow jonny followed us here and i sleep on the matrees in the same room as jonny (who sleeps on the floor) im so uncomfortable with him in the room that i sleep in my clothes. so im not sleeping very well and my back aches, im not eating properly i miss my husband this job isnt calling me and im out of meds and that not sitting well with me. and jonny STINKS!!! i mean really. according to tonianne he only showers on the weekend. i feel so beaten. i guess i cant be surprised it always returns to days like this. it was going so well. extra cash from jr happy attitudes extra days in keansburg and the rest of the time tied up at work. now my hours are cut and oh well.....same old same old. plus my sister angela is DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! she is giving me attitude answering me back and walking out the door when i tell her she cant see friends and i have to hear it and then my mother goes upstairs and SCREAMS at her. she told her to get up early enough to walk to school. from the end of ocean grove by asbury to neptune high school and she has to get there by 7am for her vocational bus. why cant my mom ground her like she did to me? it would make more of a difference. obviously what mom is doing isnt working. at least i didnt give her as much attitude but i also wasnt experimenting so much when i was 14. no she isnt me but maybe the same route would make some sort of difference. my mother is so convinced that i made the worlds most horrible choices that she wont do ANYTHING similar with them. tonianne wants to join drama next year and mom doesnt want her to. it was some of the modt fun i ever had and up until i dated jr she was convinced everything i did was gold.now im a joke? the family black sheep on both sides. all i did was fall in love. and seven years later we still hold hands when we walk together and tell each other "i love you" in every conversation. more than once. is that such a bad guy to be with? especially now when hes trying so hard working so hard putting everything hes got into it and totally putting me first? when is it suddenly to little too late? i would think being that hes finally stepping towards what they all said they wanted to see hed get a little bit more than expectation of failure. why would they hope for that? especially since in the end result i the daughter grandaughter niece cousin whoever....gets that same failure when it happens. am i that hated? whatd i do? dads side didnt want much to do with me i stopped showing up except for major holidays. mom decided she was what was best so when the going got tough i moved in with ehr. everybody got what they wanted and yet they are all hard at work to make me miserable. except jr........