long time.
it's been forever since I really wrote in here.. I tend not to share my thoughts anymore. I did consciously stop writing because of things I would feel in response to how others would comment on my writing. So, I've come to accept ..yes I am self-conscious of my thoughts & feelings. I tend to become emotional when my choices are criticized and/or ignored. A rather immature person inside I think however tough & intimidating i tried to be. I think it's really just a shield that helps me go through life without too many unwanted bumps, not that I call people bumps to their face. that is .unless their face actually HAS bumps on it.. in which case I would certainly consider it.
anyhow..
Cindy & I have been together now more than 1.5 years. I am very proud & happy about this. Considering the two of us have been through some of the most ridiculous situations & survived some pretty serious situations together.. I can say clearly without any doubt that I LOVE this girl with all of my heart. HAVING SAID THAT!.. I am almost constantly afraid I'll lose her. I know I know ..this sounds crazy & insecure.. well, its' true.. i AM insecure about it. I have no reasons why ..Cindy has never done anything remotely close to what I have done. I don't have an explanation for my behaviors with respects to losing her ... only that .. I am truly sick & tired of dating & waiting for the right person .. I HAVE the right person in my life right now .. & just the thought of losing her sometimes makes me cry. It's kinda wild.. I cry more now that she does.. lol.. and I know at somepoint .it was the other way around.. **Cindy ..if you are reading this now ..you can be 100% sure that right now .. im thinking about you.. and I want you to know/understand how absolutely in-love i truly am with you. SOO much has changed through our lives together & I will not & cannot bare to imagine life without you.** Yeah.. sorry.. Some days recently .. i find it hard to remain focused on how god we are together. I am slowly learning many many important things about who we both are that has usually started fights .. well, lst me just say .. until recently .. we NEVER fought. I loved being together with Cindy because no matter what seemed to happen ..there wasn't a fight ..it was resolved quickly. Now, I can see just why that worked out before. Circumstances are now that we both have equal power & ability to state what is Right for us both! ..and to be perfectly honest.. I WANTED this to begin with. Our lives now are infected with a sickness called STRESS. Having us go from summer times ..lazy ..relaxed & care free to ..work / school / homework/ etc.. it leaves us both with no time for how we WANT to be. yah.. it's be tricky to deal with many things.. and in all that .. all i have to say is .. I've changed.. even in the last week.. i am not reacting to things the same way... NOT in a defensive kind of 'oh .. i just don't give a shit anymore' ..cause I CLEARLY do... I mean .. even when I saw pictures of another guy on her LJ .. inside .. i was freaking out.. also knowing she was at his house with my knowing until later. See, this really means nothing ..& I have come to feel accepting & more understanding of situations. Despite my stubborn & possessive ways towards her.. she's still the most amazing girl I could have ever wished for.
so . aside from being completely in-love & fighting for that love every chance I get....
I am back in school & working towards an Honors BA in Philosophy. I have 10 philosophy courses the year.. and will need 30 more credits next year to graduate. I am beyong hopeful that I will get through this. My year is not starting too well though.. I don't have funding yest ..& it's 3rd week in. The best I can do is keep talking to some of the students in my classes & hope the readings are not too difficult to catch up on when i can finally get my own books. Thank god for the internet in class.. I swear I just Wikipedia EVERYTHING the teachers say ..so that I can get some idea about topics i need to think about. I've always done well in philosophy but I have this feeling this year I bit off more than I could digest... but i KNOW I will chew it all back. I might end up with some wikked gas.. but im chewing this one.
..so ..yes.. back writing a little more.. should be something I need to do ..not jsut do just because im awake at 2 am ..reflecting upon my past & wondering where the hell i became what I am today. .. Some important changes are still to come & I realize that waiting for something so amazing is certainly worth going through to pain to get it!!
Peace.
anyhow..
Cindy & I have been together now more than 1.5 years. I am very proud & happy about this. Considering the two of us have been through some of the most ridiculous situations & survived some pretty serious situations together.. I can say clearly without any doubt that I LOVE this girl with all of my heart. HAVING SAID THAT!.. I am almost constantly afraid I'll lose her. I know I know ..this sounds crazy & insecure.. well, its' true.. i AM insecure about it. I have no reasons why ..Cindy has never done anything remotely close to what I have done. I don't have an explanation for my behaviors with respects to losing her ... only that .. I am truly sick & tired of dating & waiting for the right person .. I HAVE the right person in my life right now .. & just the thought of losing her sometimes makes me cry. It's kinda wild.. I cry more now that she does.. lol.. and I know at somepoint .it was the other way around.. **Cindy ..if you are reading this now ..you can be 100% sure that right now .. im thinking about you.. and I want you to know/understand how absolutely in-love i truly am with you. SOO much has changed through our lives together & I will not & cannot bare to imagine life without you.** Yeah.. sorry.. Some days recently .. i find it hard to remain focused on how god we are together. I am slowly learning many many important things about who we both are that has usually started fights .. well, lst me just say .. until recently .. we NEVER fought. I loved being together with Cindy because no matter what seemed to happen ..there wasn't a fight ..it was resolved quickly. Now, I can see just why that worked out before. Circumstances are now that we both have equal power & ability to state what is Right for us both! ..and to be perfectly honest.. I WANTED this to begin with. Our lives now are infected with a sickness called STRESS. Having us go from summer times ..lazy ..relaxed & care free to ..work / school / homework/ etc.. it leaves us both with no time for how we WANT to be. yah.. it's be tricky to deal with many things.. and in all that .. all i have to say is .. I've changed.. even in the last week.. i am not reacting to things the same way... NOT in a defensive kind of 'oh .. i just don't give a shit anymore' ..cause I CLEARLY do... I mean .. even when I saw pictures of another guy on her LJ .. inside .. i was freaking out.. also knowing she was at his house with my knowing until later. See, this really means nothing ..& I have come to feel accepting & more understanding of situations. Despite my stubborn & possessive ways towards her.. she's still the most amazing girl I could have ever wished for.
so . aside from being completely in-love & fighting for that love every chance I get....
I am back in school & working towards an Honors BA in Philosophy. I have 10 philosophy courses the year.. and will need 30 more credits next year to graduate. I am beyong hopeful that I will get through this. My year is not starting too well though.. I don't have funding yest ..& it's 3rd week in. The best I can do is keep talking to some of the students in my classes & hope the readings are not too difficult to catch up on when i can finally get my own books. Thank god for the internet in class.. I swear I just Wikipedia EVERYTHING the teachers say ..so that I can get some idea about topics i need to think about. I've always done well in philosophy but I have this feeling this year I bit off more than I could digest... but i KNOW I will chew it all back. I might end up with some wikked gas.. but im chewing this one.
..so ..yes.. back writing a little more.. should be something I need to do ..not jsut do just because im awake at 2 am ..reflecting upon my past & wondering where the hell i became what I am today. .. Some important changes are still to come & I realize that waiting for something so amazing is certainly worth going through to pain to get it!!
Peace.