Indecision & Cutting My Arms To Pieces
Today was fun - went down to UofT with Cindy to capture images for her photo class. A few hours of wlaking & a brutal fight regarding emotional issues ..& we're at her house - me almost passing out, but feeling A LOT better & Cindy working on her school stuff - which makes me happy knowing that we survive anything together.
Now - I'm not the greatest person nor have I shown myself to be even a good boyfriend - cheating, lying, manipulating..etc. Not good. BUT .. I know that I don't just feel emotional about issue for no reason ..SO.. I bring up my issues. Albeit, sometimes a situation does not allow me to do so without it being compiled into a shit-storm first, at which time things get totally blown up before I know what the hell happened. I must be crazy or something because this always seems to happen; my first explanation: I am causing the problems. My solution: none. I only have my reasoning skill & communication to help me through issues. I have always felt that a good conversation will help anyone through even the hardest of things. (at least that's what I THINK solves things)
I have seen how things get into trouble. I am blaming myself in this state because I have seen myself facing more of these aggravated conversation than I can really account for in anyone else. So, beit that I am to blame for these situations.. I am going to have to assume that I should be able to fix them also. Where do i start?
I can also assume that I am full of shit. I can definitely say that I've heard plenty of feedback that would suggest I DO have a serious emotional problem. However, because this issue IS emotional, getting any advice for it only seem futile since I'll more than likely just interprate the advice for slander &/or insulting. Immature much .yes.. that is one reason why I hate faling in love. I seriously do think about why i bother sometimes if I appear to have a decent time in life without getting involved & then screwing up someone's life with all my ranting & bullshit.
Cindy is quite simply an Angel - come to whip me into a new shape. If i don't watch myself, i feel, I might lose her. I know I've gone too far before & I have lost someone because of my actions & stupidity. Without having to compare - I just know that I am one lucky SOB.
I am not just relying on luck though.. I try my hardest to provide everything i can give into my relationship. Anything I can do - I am willing to consider & change in order to achieve something great for Cindy & I. At some point or another I think we all just want to feel loved & know that our efforts are not being taken for granted. Sometimes I lose my touch with reality & start to lose my feelings in the many other daily grindings from the life-machine. As things become increasingly more stressful & complicated to exquisite, the ways of love seem too faded to notice or affections are too little to feel intimate. I believe this is where I am right now.
After weeks of stress & time-frames in our lives, Cindy & I are fighting ourselves & circumstances soo hard that intimacy & communication suffers harsh change. I will admit that I have failed her. My self control today slipped too far .. and I'm very sorry for that. I had the chance to make the best of something & due to my emotional needs I spoke out of place & acted like a fool. I should never be that way & I am sometimes. As forgiving as anyone could be, Cindy is greater than them all. I know that I deserve to feel bad for what I did, but she was right there for me - even after everything happened.
my point is this: being immature & emotionally needy makes me act upon desired with the wrong sort of motivations. I start to notice how if I am not getting my ways with things .. I will manipulate a situation so that it appears unfair towards myself insofar as I have valid points to discuss. I forget too easily the cost that we have both made for each other & when this happens .. I start to feel ignored & neglected. No one likes to feel like that ..so I choose to fight, but I fight dirty. I believe my answers will come through in the form of increased communication. Clearer statements and further understanding so that I don't feel ignored and therefore can reciprocate those mutual feelings of love towards Cindy without having to beg for it. Because I am one way doesn't mean that everyone can be or is willing to be. Accepting those differences & learning to work with those different emotional needs is how I plan to keep the best girl I ever had. I know this is not possible without equal effort - I don't read minds & cannot be perfect.
Nothing great will come without great effort.
Now - I'm not the greatest person nor have I shown myself to be even a good boyfriend - cheating, lying, manipulating..etc. Not good. BUT .. I know that I don't just feel emotional about issue for no reason ..SO.. I bring up my issues. Albeit, sometimes a situation does not allow me to do so without it being compiled into a shit-storm first, at which time things get totally blown up before I know what the hell happened. I must be crazy or something because this always seems to happen; my first explanation: I am causing the problems. My solution: none. I only have my reasoning skill & communication to help me through issues. I have always felt that a good conversation will help anyone through even the hardest of things. (at least that's what I THINK solves things)
I have seen how things get into trouble. I am blaming myself in this state because I have seen myself facing more of these aggravated conversation than I can really account for in anyone else. So, beit that I am to blame for these situations.. I am going to have to assume that I should be able to fix them also. Where do i start?
I can also assume that I am full of shit. I can definitely say that I've heard plenty of feedback that would suggest I DO have a serious emotional problem. However, because this issue IS emotional, getting any advice for it only seem futile since I'll more than likely just interprate the advice for slander &/or insulting. Immature much .yes.. that is one reason why I hate faling in love. I seriously do think about why i bother sometimes if I appear to have a decent time in life without getting involved & then screwing up someone's life with all my ranting & bullshit.
Cindy is quite simply an Angel - come to whip me into a new shape. If i don't watch myself, i feel, I might lose her. I know I've gone too far before & I have lost someone because of my actions & stupidity. Without having to compare - I just know that I am one lucky SOB.
I am not just relying on luck though.. I try my hardest to provide everything i can give into my relationship. Anything I can do - I am willing to consider & change in order to achieve something great for Cindy & I. At some point or another I think we all just want to feel loved & know that our efforts are not being taken for granted. Sometimes I lose my touch with reality & start to lose my feelings in the many other daily grindings from the life-machine. As things become increasingly more stressful & complicated to exquisite, the ways of love seem too faded to notice or affections are too little to feel intimate. I believe this is where I am right now.
After weeks of stress & time-frames in our lives, Cindy & I are fighting ourselves & circumstances soo hard that intimacy & communication suffers harsh change. I will admit that I have failed her. My self control today slipped too far .. and I'm very sorry for that. I had the chance to make the best of something & due to my emotional needs I spoke out of place & acted like a fool. I should never be that way & I am sometimes. As forgiving as anyone could be, Cindy is greater than them all. I know that I deserve to feel bad for what I did, but she was right there for me - even after everything happened.
my point is this: being immature & emotionally needy makes me act upon desired with the wrong sort of motivations. I start to notice how if I am not getting my ways with things .. I will manipulate a situation so that it appears unfair towards myself insofar as I have valid points to discuss. I forget too easily the cost that we have both made for each other & when this happens .. I start to feel ignored & neglected. No one likes to feel like that ..so I choose to fight, but I fight dirty. I believe my answers will come through in the form of increased communication. Clearer statements and further understanding so that I don't feel ignored and therefore can reciprocate those mutual feelings of love towards Cindy without having to beg for it. Because I am one way doesn't mean that everyone can be or is willing to be. Accepting those differences & learning to work with those different emotional needs is how I plan to keep the best girl I ever had. I know this is not possible without equal effort - I don't read minds & cannot be perfect.
Nothing great will come without great effort.