Everything Feels a Bit Contradictory Right Now
I don't know what to make of things at the moment. It's been clear to me that, over the last year now, I've been really unhappy and miserable and I'm slowly working out that I'm doing the wrong things and that I need to try something else. At the same time, I've never felt so alive and vibrant, nor functioned so well for so long. I remember what life used to be like and it's clear that, during the last year, I've functioned better than I ever have. It's hard to know what to make of two completely opposing and contradicting things like that.
At the moment, I'm in a state of limbo because I have the operation scheduled. Nothing really happens until then. I can't really get a job before then and I don't really have much in the way of resources to do anything much. It's very much a waiting game. I have six weeks until the the operation itself in which to come to terms with it and everything else. This seems both like an eternity and not enough time at all.
I really don't know how I feel about anything at the moment. This has been a recurring theme, especially since I stopped having the security of my therapy sessions in which to talk things over. A lot of my mental stability came from having access to a therapist. I honestly didn't know how I'd cope without one. Sometimes I think I'm not, yet at the same time, I haven't completely collapsed in on myself.
At the moment, I feel I'm in a weird place. I feel I'm in the kind of place where I realise that, no matter how bad it gets I realise I can cope. I can cope and have coped with worse, lots of what I'm doing is not entirely new, although I think there are elements of it that are. It's nice to have my emotional resilience kick in and when it does its welcome.
At the same time, there's something a bit wrong with me in the sense that if I go "I'm fine and I can cope on my own, look how strong I am", everything collapses. If anything, life seems to work when I admit I'm small and vulnerable, not just physically, but emotionally as well. It's not something I seem to be comfortable with. Indeed, if I think back, I've not been comfortable with it ever. But it seems to work for me.
Likewise, I also feel at the moment that I'm going through too much and I need to slow down a bit and deal with things, that a huge part of why I'm feeling crap and crazy is that I've been propelled through some bad emotional spaces in my head and I haven't properly been able to deal with them, while at the same time, there's this feeling that I'm also not getting off my arse and doing things I should be doing and it is the not doing that is really killing me.
More than anything, I feel like one of my crafts in KSP trying to perform re-entry. Not one of the lovely aerodynamic craft that can fly at near orbital speed, but the scary kind of re-entry, the kind where you have to throw yourself into the atmosphere far faster than it safe or stable and trust in the engineering and heat calculations to ensure that fiery death does not await. I feel like some astronaut trapped in a command capsule cut off from the world by the ionised air and waiting to see if the air brakes me or kills me. It's not pleasant.
Anyway, this is all a bit vague, but I'm tired at the moment, so I'm going to finish no. But I think there are some things I need to talk about and I'm going to use the time I have between now and the op to do that.
At the moment, I'm in a state of limbo because I have the operation scheduled. Nothing really happens until then. I can't really get a job before then and I don't really have much in the way of resources to do anything much. It's very much a waiting game. I have six weeks until the the operation itself in which to come to terms with it and everything else. This seems both like an eternity and not enough time at all.
I really don't know how I feel about anything at the moment. This has been a recurring theme, especially since I stopped having the security of my therapy sessions in which to talk things over. A lot of my mental stability came from having access to a therapist. I honestly didn't know how I'd cope without one. Sometimes I think I'm not, yet at the same time, I haven't completely collapsed in on myself.
At the moment, I feel I'm in a weird place. I feel I'm in the kind of place where I realise that, no matter how bad it gets I realise I can cope. I can cope and have coped with worse, lots of what I'm doing is not entirely new, although I think there are elements of it that are. It's nice to have my emotional resilience kick in and when it does its welcome.
At the same time, there's something a bit wrong with me in the sense that if I go "I'm fine and I can cope on my own, look how strong I am", everything collapses. If anything, life seems to work when I admit I'm small and vulnerable, not just physically, but emotionally as well. It's not something I seem to be comfortable with. Indeed, if I think back, I've not been comfortable with it ever. But it seems to work for me.
Likewise, I also feel at the moment that I'm going through too much and I need to slow down a bit and deal with things, that a huge part of why I'm feeling crap and crazy is that I've been propelled through some bad emotional spaces in my head and I haven't properly been able to deal with them, while at the same time, there's this feeling that I'm also not getting off my arse and doing things I should be doing and it is the not doing that is really killing me.
More than anything, I feel like one of my crafts in KSP trying to perform re-entry. Not one of the lovely aerodynamic craft that can fly at near orbital speed, but the scary kind of re-entry, the kind where you have to throw yourself into the atmosphere far faster than it safe or stable and trust in the engineering and heat calculations to ensure that fiery death does not await. I feel like some astronaut trapped in a command capsule cut off from the world by the ionised air and waiting to see if the air brakes me or kills me. It's not pleasant.
Anyway, this is all a bit vague, but I'm tired at the moment, so I'm going to finish no. But I think there are some things I need to talk about and I'm going to use the time I have between now and the op to do that.