No Hormones
Well, with the surgery date due, I'm not allowed to take oestrogen in the run up to it. Today has been my first full day not on oestrogen.
I'm not sure how to take it. I feel really, really tired and a little bit depressed. But I also feel a lot calmer emotionally. Much much calmer. It feels like there's been this massive pressure building up inside me, pushing me to do things before I was ready, but which I had no choice but to obey. It's scary, because at every stage of the transition process I felt like I was in control, but the last year, I haven't felt that at all. I feel a bit out of control and I don't understand everything I'm feeling. It's led me to be a bit hysterical and, while I don't feel happy, I do feel like I have some breathing space, for the first time in ages.
Also, everything feels a bit duller. Less vibrant. More drab. And I ache, all over. Everything hurts. My breasts and my hands in particular, for some reason.
Another thing that's a bit weird is to do with memory. I'm feeling in a way that reminds me a bit of early transition and everything is kinda coming back. This is both good and weird. It scares me because I've only now realised just how much of my previous life I'd forgotten. I've said that during the transition process, I don't want to become a new person, I want to marry all the bits of me together, into a synthetic whole. I've forgotten so much. So while I feel a bit crap, I'm also grateful to remember the past times because its helping me to put how I'm feeling now into context. Which seems to be mainly that I want to cry. A lot. Except I'm not, not anywhere on the scope of my past weepy days.
I'm not sure how to take it. I feel really, really tired and a little bit depressed. But I also feel a lot calmer emotionally. Much much calmer. It feels like there's been this massive pressure building up inside me, pushing me to do things before I was ready, but which I had no choice but to obey. It's scary, because at every stage of the transition process I felt like I was in control, but the last year, I haven't felt that at all. I feel a bit out of control and I don't understand everything I'm feeling. It's led me to be a bit hysterical and, while I don't feel happy, I do feel like I have some breathing space, for the first time in ages.
Also, everything feels a bit duller. Less vibrant. More drab. And I ache, all over. Everything hurts. My breasts and my hands in particular, for some reason.
Another thing that's a bit weird is to do with memory. I'm feeling in a way that reminds me a bit of early transition and everything is kinda coming back. This is both good and weird. It scares me because I've only now realised just how much of my previous life I'd forgotten. I've said that during the transition process, I don't want to become a new person, I want to marry all the bits of me together, into a synthetic whole. I've forgotten so much. So while I feel a bit crap, I'm also grateful to remember the past times because its helping me to put how I'm feeling now into context. Which seems to be mainly that I want to cry. A lot. Except I'm not, not anywhere on the scope of my past weepy days.