Testosterone, not all bad
I had my androgen-blocking injection today, which was one day overdue. I decided not to have it yesterday because of the GIC visit. Two stressful things in one day is... not good.
It's been weird having the testosterone go up this time. Unlike the previous times, it's not been entirely unwelcome. I've been feeling a little too much like I pay attention to what everyone around me wants and its been hard to stand up for myself, let alone motivate myself to do things.
However, once the testosterone went up, that started to change and it's been a bit easier to get angry at people, be more assertive and do things. I remember hearing about how some transwomen and women on HRT need small amounts of testosterone to function and this is the first time I've experienced it. I like being calm and nice to people, but it's possible to carry that too far and I feel that's what was happening to me. Of course, yesterday it started to go too far and that triggered dysphoria, not to mention cold sweats.
If it carries on with me, I'll need to start taking testosterone tablets like those others. But first, I need to get measured up. That, at least, the clinic did do yesterday, although having two sets of needles stuck in me on consecutive days does not do great things for my mood.
One of the mistakes I made in the past is that I started prioritising other people's emotions way too far ahead of my own. That led to codependency issues, which were really not good. I think I've been plumbing the same space, so there have been flashbacks. It also rather graphically illustrates how welcome the testosterone must have been in my early twenties, because at least it let me stand up for my bloody self instead of being so damn understanding and passive all the time.
It's been weird having the testosterone go up this time. Unlike the previous times, it's not been entirely unwelcome. I've been feeling a little too much like I pay attention to what everyone around me wants and its been hard to stand up for myself, let alone motivate myself to do things.
However, once the testosterone went up, that started to change and it's been a bit easier to get angry at people, be more assertive and do things. I remember hearing about how some transwomen and women on HRT need small amounts of testosterone to function and this is the first time I've experienced it. I like being calm and nice to people, but it's possible to carry that too far and I feel that's what was happening to me. Of course, yesterday it started to go too far and that triggered dysphoria, not to mention cold sweats.
If it carries on with me, I'll need to start taking testosterone tablets like those others. But first, I need to get measured up. That, at least, the clinic did do yesterday, although having two sets of needles stuck in me on consecutive days does not do great things for my mood.
One of the mistakes I made in the past is that I started prioritising other people's emotions way too far ahead of my own. That led to codependency issues, which were really not good. I think I've been plumbing the same space, so there have been flashbacks. It also rather graphically illustrates how welcome the testosterone must have been in my early twenties, because at least it let me stand up for my bloody self instead of being so damn understanding and passive all the time.