Flinching
I'm having a difficult time. The flinch reaction I have is beginning to get really, really severe. I'm finding it hard not to flinch at every casual contact, including my parents and friends.
I've... tried to cover the flinching, because I really don't want to have the kind of conversation with anyone where I have to explain what's going on. Also, that kind of conversation would probably result in me bursting into floods of tears and/or attacking them and/or crawling into a ball and begging them not to hurt me. Yeah...
Not having an idea how I would react scares me, especially when one of the reactions involves attacking someone. It's contributed to me keeping it all in. Unfortunately, repressing that represses everything. It's... not a long term solution.
The... thing that seems to have set it all off are the hormones. Their current trend of slowly locking away my sexuality after opening up my emotions means that something I've managed with all right by myself is now something that... I can't cope with on my own.
The problem is that these feelings are not entirely new and they're triggering the last time I felt like this. During that time I tried opening up about how I felt and... it did not end well. I never managed to... feel that these feelings were mine.
Now I'm in a similar position, I'm being asked to believe that this time it will be OK if I open up. I'm... not sure that I can do that. I'm not sure either that there's anyone I trust to even open up to on such a sensitive topic. Especially when the people who I felt were my closest friends at the time betrayed me and... that doesn't leave a lot of room for trusting anybody any more.
I've... tried to cover the flinching, because I really don't want to have the kind of conversation with anyone where I have to explain what's going on. Also, that kind of conversation would probably result in me bursting into floods of tears and/or attacking them and/or crawling into a ball and begging them not to hurt me. Yeah...
Not having an idea how I would react scares me, especially when one of the reactions involves attacking someone. It's contributed to me keeping it all in. Unfortunately, repressing that represses everything. It's... not a long term solution.
The... thing that seems to have set it all off are the hormones. Their current trend of slowly locking away my sexuality after opening up my emotions means that something I've managed with all right by myself is now something that... I can't cope with on my own.
The problem is that these feelings are not entirely new and they're triggering the last time I felt like this. During that time I tried opening up about how I felt and... it did not end well. I never managed to... feel that these feelings were mine.
Now I'm in a similar position, I'm being asked to believe that this time it will be OK if I open up. I'm... not sure that I can do that. I'm not sure either that there's anyone I trust to even open up to on such a sensitive topic. Especially when the people who I felt were my closest friends at the time betrayed me and... that doesn't leave a lot of room for trusting anybody any more.