Coming to Terms
I think I've generally figured out what's been happening with how I've been feeling. It mainly just seems to be the effect of my brain trying to push both of the mes that existed into one stable personality. There's the me that exists now, who is doing well with transitioning and has learnt from the mistakes of my time in Birmingham and after. Then there's the person who existed in Oxford shortly before she went completely nuts in Birmingham. I've never been able to put the two of them together. Because of that, I've found it impossible to figure out any transsexuality in my history at Oxford, while at the same time, the new me has all these weird hang-ups and issues that relate to certain things, like jobs, banking or any of the people I knew then.
I've worked out that I haven't really been able to remember the Oxford period because it hurt so much. It hurt so much because of being trans and not being able to express my sex. It started to hurt more and more and by the second year of Birmingham, it hurt so much, I thought that I was never going to get better and worked on repressing my problems instead of dealing with them.
What's happening here is that it doesn't hurt any less, but somehow I seem to be able to deal with the pain now. It's not completely overwhelming, and part of the coming to terms process has been the floods of tears. Pushing away the pain is pretty much repressing my trans issues from that time. So accepting the pain helps me to come to terms with what happened then but only time really helps me sort it all out.
I've worked out that I haven't really been able to remember the Oxford period because it hurt so much. It hurt so much because of being trans and not being able to express my sex. It started to hurt more and more and by the second year of Birmingham, it hurt so much, I thought that I was never going to get better and worked on repressing my problems instead of dealing with them.
What's happening here is that it doesn't hurt any less, but somehow I seem to be able to deal with the pain now. It's not completely overwhelming, and part of the coming to terms process has been the floods of tears. Pushing away the pain is pretty much repressing my trans issues from that time. So accepting the pain helps me to come to terms with what happened then but only time really helps me sort it all out.