What a Hectic Week
This week has continued to be quite hectic, but I seem to be getting on top of things, and finding some space to rest, such that I seem to be getting a little less stressed by gender stuff.
Over the weekend, I'd talked to darwinian_woman, which helped a lot, and she sent me some recommendations for counsellors in London, which I've been trying to persuade my parents to send me to. I have three links, and I need to pick one.
On Monday, I went to my GP. He was extraordinarily nice, and he called the letter from the GIC "nasty". He also noticed that I seem to appear a bit more female, which is fun. It's nice to have someone else notice what I have.
On Monday, it was also the last day of our writing course. One of the really useful things was that we got to say, individually, what we were planning to do with the results of our writing course and what problems we envisaged. In order to answer that truthfully, I had to talk about just how much of a problem the gender stuff was against writing, how much I had to overcome each time I did so but also how much easier it was to do so as time went on. It was quite stressful, but it was also very, very cathartic, and the people at that group were exceptionally nice about it. So nice I don't really know what to do about it. I was the second last person to go, so I had plenty of time to stress about it as others told their problems. However, if I'd been worried about emotionally heavy, the last person after me was even more emotionally loaded. Anyway, we exchanged email addresses and want to keep in touch, and now we're dithering on-line about what, exactly, we're going to do about it.
On Wednesday, I took a young relative of Bozenia's, from the United States, on a trip to see London, accompanied by a slightly older youngster from another side of her family. I started by going to the Tower of London and walking them across Tower Bridge onto the other bank, telling them about the history of London and the landmarks we passed. By the time we got to Hayward's Gallery, I realised the trip was not going well. So I confronted them with this, and they said that while what I was saying was interesting, it was not fun. So I decided that it was time to abandon plan A and come up with a plan B.
So we got on the train at Monument, after crossing London Bridge, and went to Tottenham Court Road. We walked down Charing Cross Road into Foyles book shop, which seemed to enthuse them a little. Then we walked through Leicester Square and into the Trocadero. There, after stopping at a sweet shop, where I tried to bribe them with goodies, we went bowling. I had an interesting conversation with the guy in charge, because I wanted the student rate for the two young ones, but not for me. In the end we all got in for the student rate, which was... weird.
After the American demolished us at bowling, we then went and found a Dance machine and I challenged the American to three songs, which I won, but she was by no means terrible. Then the other two challenged each other to air hockey.
Finally, we went to have a curry. I took them to an Indian restaurant (Maharajah's, near Leicester Square Tube on Charring Cross Road) that I'd taken one of my American cousin's previously. I remembered the food was OK and about average for London prices. Unfortunately, the rice/naan and drinks were extremely expensive, so I'm not going there again, and I spent a lot more than I wanted to.
After that, we returned to my home and my parents chatted to them, after which they returned them to their home. The two youngsters said they'd had a nice day and really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I'd had a crap day, because I was in a male space in my head, and I'd been introduced to them as male. However, I felt I could, if I wanted, get them to relate to me as female, but I didn't because I was tired of the whole gender thing, and the effort to do so was greater than the pain of them relating to me as male. Also, if it wasn't what I wanted, it was what I needed, since not doing gender related stuff meant I got a rest from it and I got a reminder about why I hate being male and needing to transition. So even though I had a crap day, it was all right, and helped me.
I was massively in pain that night, which didn't help sleeping. All the walking had killed my muscles, and all the stressing over the month before had given me RSI and knee pain. I managed to slow down, tackle some stuff at the back of my head and relax, and this let my body get on with healing itself.
I've spent yesterday and today resting. I have some library books that urgently need returning, but I've left them for now. I'm hoping that I can relax, heal up and gently come to an emotional equilibrium in these few days.
Over the weekend, I'd talked to darwinian_woman, which helped a lot, and she sent me some recommendations for counsellors in London, which I've been trying to persuade my parents to send me to. I have three links, and I need to pick one.
On Monday, I went to my GP. He was extraordinarily nice, and he called the letter from the GIC "nasty". He also noticed that I seem to appear a bit more female, which is fun. It's nice to have someone else notice what I have.
On Monday, it was also the last day of our writing course. One of the really useful things was that we got to say, individually, what we were planning to do with the results of our writing course and what problems we envisaged. In order to answer that truthfully, I had to talk about just how much of a problem the gender stuff was against writing, how much I had to overcome each time I did so but also how much easier it was to do so as time went on. It was quite stressful, but it was also very, very cathartic, and the people at that group were exceptionally nice about it. So nice I don't really know what to do about it. I was the second last person to go, so I had plenty of time to stress about it as others told their problems. However, if I'd been worried about emotionally heavy, the last person after me was even more emotionally loaded. Anyway, we exchanged email addresses and want to keep in touch, and now we're dithering on-line about what, exactly, we're going to do about it.
On Wednesday, I took a young relative of Bozenia's, from the United States, on a trip to see London, accompanied by a slightly older youngster from another side of her family. I started by going to the Tower of London and walking them across Tower Bridge onto the other bank, telling them about the history of London and the landmarks we passed. By the time we got to Hayward's Gallery, I realised the trip was not going well. So I confronted them with this, and they said that while what I was saying was interesting, it was not fun. So I decided that it was time to abandon plan A and come up with a plan B.
So we got on the train at Monument, after crossing London Bridge, and went to Tottenham Court Road. We walked down Charing Cross Road into Foyles book shop, which seemed to enthuse them a little. Then we walked through Leicester Square and into the Trocadero. There, after stopping at a sweet shop, where I tried to bribe them with goodies, we went bowling. I had an interesting conversation with the guy in charge, because I wanted the student rate for the two young ones, but not for me. In the end we all got in for the student rate, which was... weird.
After the American demolished us at bowling, we then went and found a Dance machine and I challenged the American to three songs, which I won, but she was by no means terrible. Then the other two challenged each other to air hockey.
Finally, we went to have a curry. I took them to an Indian restaurant (Maharajah's, near Leicester Square Tube on Charring Cross Road) that I'd taken one of my American cousin's previously. I remembered the food was OK and about average for London prices. Unfortunately, the rice/naan and drinks were extremely expensive, so I'm not going there again, and I spent a lot more than I wanted to.
After that, we returned to my home and my parents chatted to them, after which they returned them to their home. The two youngsters said they'd had a nice day and really enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I'd had a crap day, because I was in a male space in my head, and I'd been introduced to them as male. However, I felt I could, if I wanted, get them to relate to me as female, but I didn't because I was tired of the whole gender thing, and the effort to do so was greater than the pain of them relating to me as male. Also, if it wasn't what I wanted, it was what I needed, since not doing gender related stuff meant I got a rest from it and I got a reminder about why I hate being male and needing to transition. So even though I had a crap day, it was all right, and helped me.
I was massively in pain that night, which didn't help sleeping. All the walking had killed my muscles, and all the stressing over the month before had given me RSI and knee pain. I managed to slow down, tackle some stuff at the back of my head and relax, and this let my body get on with healing itself.
I've spent yesterday and today resting. I have some library books that urgently need returning, but I've left them for now. I'm hoping that I can relax, heal up and gently come to an emotional equilibrium in these few days.