Just General Angst
It's the middle of the night and I really can't sleep. I'm still feeling quite overwhelmed by a lot of things. I can't seem to find any real equilibrium, and I'm beginning to feel a lot like I was at the low point in Birmingham. I'm not really sure if this is a necessary flashback that will help me place things, or whether I'm just unnecessarily putting myself through suffering for no reason by indulging in feeling this way.
Anyway, the first thing that seems to be making my life quite miserable is that I think my hormones are doing some very weird things. I'd thought that they'd not get any weirder now until I started taking hormones, but I seem to have been very wrong. There are just lots and lots of small things which all add together to create this general sense of feeling not quite as I was. My chest is sore all the time, especially if I accidentally lie on a breast, and suddenly seat belts went from being something I never worried about to being something which I can't, no matter what I do, get to lie comfortable across my chest. I feel less able to keep emotions in. I also feel much... softer, as if the edges of myself are less well defined than they used to be, which is a weird feeling. It also makes me feel more passive towards people who I shouldn't be passive towards and a lot more frightened of people of people being intolerant of me than before. And you really don't want to know what this is doing to my sexuality...
While all that's happening, I'm still fighting with the all-women's group who were nasty to me earlier, on that other website. I'm not fighting so much because I care any more, but because the other lot are destroying my reputation in front of the other people, consistently accusing me of things I did not do, which other people are now having a go at me for and just making sure that the one place where I could talk about my sexuality is not open to me any more, while I'm undergoing some weird and drastic changes that I really could do with talking about. I don't really know what to do. The hormonal changes seem to make me feel really threatened by the harassment I'm getting, and I'm finding myself really annoyed. While I'm not entirely blameless, it's fairly obvious that I'm not the monster I'm being painted out to be and I have the counter-arguments to express it. However, I don't really feel like fighting at all. I'd rather just passively go along with whatever they're saying and make it stop, but because the main argument is that I lied about my transsexuality to get into the all-women's group (for some nefarious purpose yet unknown to me), I'd need to kill myself to make them happy, and I really don't want to do that.
Meanwhile, the other charge is that I'm behaving as the usual trouble-making transsexual who can't accept that any all-female group has a right to decide the admittance of transsexuals, when and how they should be admitted. It's not something I ever fought over, and it completely contradicts the former charge, but hey, consistency doesn't seem to be required. I really wish somebody would just decide once and for all. Am I not a real transsexual because I'm going too slow? Or am I a trouble-making transsexual because I'm stressed because I'm going too fast and I've been deprived of the one place I can vent about my sexuality? Who knows? Who cares? But this doesn't stop that doing harm to me, and I really hope that I don't get a reputation as someone who doesn't care about my effect on other people. It would be really ironic given the amount I did angst before going, and the lengths I went to make sure I'd be accepted before I went. It also doesn't stop me feeling victimised for little reason. And even though this is happening, I still can't make myself care enough to do something about it, instead of getting upset about it.
In the meantime, this feels like it's a re-run of the situation I had at the end of Birmingham with my housemate then. I'm getting upset and it's not solving anything. Added to that, I'm not even sure what I'm upset about. If I'm upset because I'm reacting to things that have actually happened, or things in the past that the things now have happened have dredged up, or even things that other things have dredged up. It's making trying to deal with how I feel so damn complicated.
In the meantime, I have the GIC questioning whether I'm serious about transitioning because I missed an appointment, which happened at least in part due to a dearth of support that the GIC promised me and the general stupid actions of other people, and you can see why I'm just generally feeling miserable and put upon.
In the meantime, my dad found me in tears over missing the GIC appointment, and instead of being immediately supportive, he still prefaced his remarks with "if you really want to do this...". Why no, dad, I'm this upset because I only partially was sure that I want to do this, and this is me being just a little upset over a minor thing I missed out on doing, like going to the library before it shuts. Since I so regularly burst into tears over such minor inconsequential matters, clearly my reaction is nothing. *buries head in hands in despair*
On the whole, I feel like everything is falling apart faster than I can put it back together and that there's no one to help me in trying to get buried by it all.
Anyway, the first thing that seems to be making my life quite miserable is that I think my hormones are doing some very weird things. I'd thought that they'd not get any weirder now until I started taking hormones, but I seem to have been very wrong. There are just lots and lots of small things which all add together to create this general sense of feeling not quite as I was. My chest is sore all the time, especially if I accidentally lie on a breast, and suddenly seat belts went from being something I never worried about to being something which I can't, no matter what I do, get to lie comfortable across my chest. I feel less able to keep emotions in. I also feel much... softer, as if the edges of myself are less well defined than they used to be, which is a weird feeling. It also makes me feel more passive towards people who I shouldn't be passive towards and a lot more frightened of people of people being intolerant of me than before. And you really don't want to know what this is doing to my sexuality...
While all that's happening, I'm still fighting with the all-women's group who were nasty to me earlier, on that other website. I'm not fighting so much because I care any more, but because the other lot are destroying my reputation in front of the other people, consistently accusing me of things I did not do, which other people are now having a go at me for and just making sure that the one place where I could talk about my sexuality is not open to me any more, while I'm undergoing some weird and drastic changes that I really could do with talking about. I don't really know what to do. The hormonal changes seem to make me feel really threatened by the harassment I'm getting, and I'm finding myself really annoyed. While I'm not entirely blameless, it's fairly obvious that I'm not the monster I'm being painted out to be and I have the counter-arguments to express it. However, I don't really feel like fighting at all. I'd rather just passively go along with whatever they're saying and make it stop, but because the main argument is that I lied about my transsexuality to get into the all-women's group (for some nefarious purpose yet unknown to me), I'd need to kill myself to make them happy, and I really don't want to do that.
Meanwhile, the other charge is that I'm behaving as the usual trouble-making transsexual who can't accept that any all-female group has a right to decide the admittance of transsexuals, when and how they should be admitted. It's not something I ever fought over, and it completely contradicts the former charge, but hey, consistency doesn't seem to be required. I really wish somebody would just decide once and for all. Am I not a real transsexual because I'm going too slow? Or am I a trouble-making transsexual because I'm stressed because I'm going too fast and I've been deprived of the one place I can vent about my sexuality? Who knows? Who cares? But this doesn't stop that doing harm to me, and I really hope that I don't get a reputation as someone who doesn't care about my effect on other people. It would be really ironic given the amount I did angst before going, and the lengths I went to make sure I'd be accepted before I went. It also doesn't stop me feeling victimised for little reason. And even though this is happening, I still can't make myself care enough to do something about it, instead of getting upset about it.
In the meantime, this feels like it's a re-run of the situation I had at the end of Birmingham with my housemate then. I'm getting upset and it's not solving anything. Added to that, I'm not even sure what I'm upset about. If I'm upset because I'm reacting to things that have actually happened, or things in the past that the things now have happened have dredged up, or even things that other things have dredged up. It's making trying to deal with how I feel so damn complicated.
In the meantime, I have the GIC questioning whether I'm serious about transitioning because I missed an appointment, which happened at least in part due to a dearth of support that the GIC promised me and the general stupid actions of other people, and you can see why I'm just generally feeling miserable and put upon.
In the meantime, my dad found me in tears over missing the GIC appointment, and instead of being immediately supportive, he still prefaced his remarks with "if you really want to do this...". Why no, dad, I'm this upset because I only partially was sure that I want to do this, and this is me being just a little upset over a minor thing I missed out on doing, like going to the library before it shuts. Since I so regularly burst into tears over such minor inconsequential matters, clearly my reaction is nothing. *buries head in hands in despair*
On the whole, I feel like everything is falling apart faster than I can put it back together and that there's no one to help me in trying to get buried by it all.