I dont believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now
I think someone at DePaul, someone in charge of the appearance of the place, knew me a while back. They know what daffodils mean to me, and as a cruel, sick, sadistic joke, planted them all over the campus. I cant go anywhere around here without running into damn near a field of daffodils. I wake up, window open, i take my first conscious breath and i smell daffodils. I go to eat and get sick because they catch my eye and memories invade me like it their new mission. The most vivid, living, beautiful reminder of how desperate, lonely, and pathetic i feel/am. When my eyes are open i can see them behind anything i'm looking at, when they're closed i see them everywhere; growing over everything, falling from the sky, laying everywhere, swaying in the wind. I feel like i'm going insane. And i want to call, to ask if they're growing where she is too. If maybe i was what really did bring them alive, if that connection i had with her grandmother was real. In any case, they're beautiful, and i have never been so numb.
I'm sick again, maybe strep throat, maybe the flu again, maybe aids... i dont know and at this point i dont care. I'm getting tested next week, its free, its at DePaul, its AIDs awareness week. So why not. All i have to lose is a life i hate anyway. I havent eaten in three days because i cant swallow anything, i can barely drink water, still i try but i'm getting parched. I've tried every cold remedy and medication on the shelf, so this better be something serious because i'm spending way too much money on this shit if its not. I just learned that fevers can be on a circadian cycle which is just fucking peachy because now i know why i havent been sleeping either.
And above it all, the sickness mentally and physically, this pain and bullshit, i've been going to class and doing work. Thats about the only thing i'm getting out of this zoloft, memory and concern for grades. Or maybe thats my mothers voice in my head telling me she'll support me in whatever i want to do when she knows that all i want is to be an MD and she would be disappointed if i couldnt do it. She would have wasted her effort, time with an extra job, and emotions, on a progical child who wasnt worth a damn in the end.
Speaking of which i have work to do and sleep to attempt.
I'm sick again, maybe strep throat, maybe the flu again, maybe aids... i dont know and at this point i dont care. I'm getting tested next week, its free, its at DePaul, its AIDs awareness week. So why not. All i have to lose is a life i hate anyway. I havent eaten in three days because i cant swallow anything, i can barely drink water, still i try but i'm getting parched. I've tried every cold remedy and medication on the shelf, so this better be something serious because i'm spending way too much money on this shit if its not. I just learned that fevers can be on a circadian cycle which is just fucking peachy because now i know why i havent been sleeping either.
And above it all, the sickness mentally and physically, this pain and bullshit, i've been going to class and doing work. Thats about the only thing i'm getting out of this zoloft, memory and concern for grades. Or maybe thats my mothers voice in my head telling me she'll support me in whatever i want to do when she knows that all i want is to be an MD and she would be disappointed if i couldnt do it. She would have wasted her effort, time with an extra job, and emotions, on a progical child who wasnt worth a damn in the end.
Speaking of which i have work to do and sleep to attempt.