thoughts
So I'm at my mom's house at 12:20am and pondering life's little mysteries. Naw I'm just up and have nothing to do and know that what I write here will most likely only be read by me. So I seem to have stepped (or jumped head first) into a time that I'm not sure I'm ready for. I still think back on the past and have regrets and how can I look to the future if I'm stuck back there? Reality is a bit much for me right now and I think I'd rather wonder what if...than I hope that....Having hopes and dreams for the future is something I gave up on a long time ago yet here I am in a situation where all my thoughts are focused on what I have to do what I hope to accomplish and a life that I hope I don't screw up.
I was talking to a co-worker today and she told me that she could tell I'm not happy in my current situation and I tried to deny it because I felt like 'I don't have any other options then what's going on now so I have no choice but to be happy' but the more I denied it the more I realized she was right. I care so much about the feelings of others that I have put myself into a situation where I feel love just not IN love. That's not fair to me or him but that's the boat that I have put us in. And now that things have changed and I am going to be dealing with him the rest of my life all I can think is wow....out of this I am getting something amazing but at what cost? Am I really more selfish then I care to admit? I think I might be, and that sux.
But for everything I'm not able to do there are a thousand things that I will, so all this intraspective bullshyte isn't worth a grain of salt cause I'll be in the presence of a miracle and I don't think many people can say that. And once that miracle happens the only feelings I will care about will be theirs and that's when life will become what I make it and then some.
Until then I'll just suck it up and get it through my thick head that nothing is absolute if I want something to change then I have to change it or shut the hell up.
I was talking to a co-worker today and she told me that she could tell I'm not happy in my current situation and I tried to deny it because I felt like 'I don't have any other options then what's going on now so I have no choice but to be happy' but the more I denied it the more I realized she was right. I care so much about the feelings of others that I have put myself into a situation where I feel love just not IN love. That's not fair to me or him but that's the boat that I have put us in. And now that things have changed and I am going to be dealing with him the rest of my life all I can think is wow....out of this I am getting something amazing but at what cost? Am I really more selfish then I care to admit? I think I might be, and that sux.
But for everything I'm not able to do there are a thousand things that I will, so all this intraspective bullshyte isn't worth a grain of salt cause I'll be in the presence of a miracle and I don't think many people can say that. And once that miracle happens the only feelings I will care about will be theirs and that's when life will become what I make it and then some.
Until then I'll just suck it up and get it through my thick head that nothing is absolute if I want something to change then I have to change it or shut the hell up.