an essay about relationships
Lately I have been thinking a lot about love, sex, and relationships. In the beginning of June, I left a relationship of almost four years and have been changed ever since. The breakup was painful, yet by the time it was over it was more of a relief and a breath of fresh air. After mourning the death of my relationship months before it was ended, I needed no time to grieve or pick myself up again. Instead, I embraced the single life and all it had to offer me. This included a rebound situation, partying guilt free, remembering how amazing it is to be independent, being with my girlfriends without wondering what a guy was doing all the while, having more strength and bravery than I had in years, and lots and lots of boys and hookups. Single life has been empowering and a damn great ride.
Now being single for four months, I have settled into the lifestyle and the excitement is still there, just not as intense. I begin to wonder if I truly like being single or I just needed a little freedom after being suffocated for so long (note that I had accidentally suffocated myself and put no blame on anyone for what happened). This thought path comes from a very important ideal of being single that I appreciated: the prospect of something new. New people and situations are always fun, yet there is the question of why we seek new people. The answer is that we are looking because we hope to finally find someone we will like enough to get attached to, whether that be a friendship or relationship. The whole dating scene is in essence a hunt for the best prize you can attain, then finding a way of keeping it. Even though I have embraced the single life, it seems maybe I have just been shopping around for a new life and a new person. Yeah, I turned down a relationship a little while ago, but that was because I thought I could do better and because he wasn’t worth giving up the hunt. At the time I said I didn’t want a relationship, but I’m beginning to think I just didn’t want that relationship. It seems that single life is more about going after the things and people who want while you can, or you are too nonchalant to care about much past your daily routine.
Which brings me to the dilemma of my mind lately: am I a relationship person or a single life person? For some time I haven’t cared about my ex, nor attaining someone, mainly because I have been focused on myself and the simple pleasures I get from friends and work. But that only lasts for so long before the mind gets restless. Honestly, I don’t think I need anyone to be happy, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t want someone. If I were a very busy person, who constantly worked towards goals I loved than I believe I can be perfectly content. As long as I have friends, there is no reason to worry about having a relationship. More than anything I have missed companionship, which can easily be fixed by friends. With friendship, a boyfriend is only a perk, not a necessity.
Part of convincing myself I don’t need a relationship is also because of the circumstances of which men and women treat each other these days. I choose not to be open to a relationship because I have come to observe that most guys aren’t open to a relationship. I don’t know if it’s the age, the attitudes, this transitional or stagnant stage that guys are usually at in my demographic….but guys are also enjoying single life too, except they are having more sex than the ladies for the most part. Actually, I think that is it: sex. Men like to conquer as much booty as possible, so it’s probably harder to give up the possibility of getting as much as you can from as many people you can. I guess it’s only natural, and I can’t help but relate to such an imperialistic mind state since I have been single.
Most guys I have encountered really aren’t interested in having a girlfriend, or if they are, they keep it on the down low. Sex seems to actually get in the way of this, and since sex is rampant at this stage of life, there’s no way to get around it. When one meets the opposite sex, they can’t help but decide whether or not they would do them, even if there is no possibility of it happening. But since sex is in the back of everyone’s mind, romance and that sweetness that usually starts a relationship gets trampled over by desire and the idea that all of that takes too much effort. Example: Since single, I have not been kissed without the expectation of fooling around, except a couple of times within the same time frame of fooling around. Now, I do not judge anyone, since I do the same thing. After having a great time with a guy who I had no intention of getting attached to, he kept kissing me goodbye every time he left the room. Since I was so determined to make sure I would have no feelings for him, it frustrated me when he would do those sweet gestures. It felt unnecessary and like mixed signals. In turn of guys being not being open to such a relationship, I have become a colder person and appear to not to be open, too.
Having friends you can be intimate with and still leave the friendship untainted is great, but those sweet gestures are very misleading unless those two people clearly communicate their intentions. I have found from personal experience and through observation, that people would prefer no strings attached situations rather than going through the effort of being sweet, simply kissing a person to show affection, or going out on a date. Casual hang outs and looser hookups are the trend for the college aged people. People are much more focused on themselves to go out of their way for a relationship, so romance dies along the way (for the time being). I suppose this is the time of our lives in which we are supposed to have such an attitude, when else can we be irresponsible again? Why waste it by being held back by someone?
Though all of these things roll around in my head, I can’t help but be reminded of how a relationship changes your life in a good way. As someone else noted, everything seems better…feelings, sex, emotions…it all comes in a package that makes life a little brighter. Even fights are better, they are more intense and carry less of a threat, not to mention making up is always more pleasurable in a relationship. There is a comfort in knowing someone cares about you in a very exclusive way, which friendship does not entail. It’s exciting to have someone be that close to you, that listens whenever you need and vice versa, that there is someone you can share everything with…you are not alone. And even if you have no fear of being alone, the feeling of not being alone is wonderful. I think that a relationship fulfills as many factors of friendship, comfort, and pleasure that one can hold, which no friendship can possibly compete with and goes past the abilities that a family relationship has. And let’s be honest, the sex is not only more meaningful but comes in a much larger and steady supply, which is never a bad thing. Yes, there are a million and one pains that can be matched to the pleasures of a relationship, but in the end they are usually worth it in some way.
I look at my life and think of all of this and still remain confused. Most people of this age choose to stay single for many reasons, not just the ones I just generalized. At this point in our lives, it makes sense to be selfish and focus on yourself, letting the opposite sex simply be a source of quick pleasure so you can get back to your own business. But isn’t this also supposed to be the time when many people meet their future spouses? You always hear the stories of parents meeting in college, or the end of college…I have no clue how so many people managed that. An interesting point was brought up to me though, and that is that most relationships happen without both people looking or wanting one, it just happened. You don’t have to be a relationship person to be in a relationship that is successful, nor do you have to be a single person to be in a bad relationship…it’s all circumstantial and it’s all irrelevant. So to be honest, I still have no idea. Being in a relationship can be heaven and hell, and single life can be misery and fabulous all at the same time. I’m beginning to think I’m neither type, I just need to do what must be done to be happy. If no one is open to relationships these days, then I need to take advantage and enjoy what I have while I have it. What I like about single life is how I can rediscover myself and embrace the simple joys I find by myself. When a relationship does come along, all I need to do is not lose myself and not forget about who I am and I will be alright. It won’t be about which lifestyle I prefer, it will be about making the most of my situation and never settling for second best again. Therefore, I have no answer to my question. I have no answer to what lifestyle I would rather be in, nor do I really care. Am I content with being alone? Am I ready for a commitment? Am I ready to take care of myself first? Yeah I am, though specifics will change the answer subtly. Considering how random this time in my life is, and what circumstances come with this era, maybe the only thing I’m really ready for is tomorrow.