I'm Still Alive
It's been almost two years since my last journal entry here, and I apologize for my absence. A lot of things are to blame, foremost being my mother's canceling our internet connection not long after that entry, and it having been sketchy for most the time since. I have also been busy, and working through a lot of upheaval (good and bad.) There have been other online outlets I've devoted my time to, such as my blog and tumblr accounts, which took up the lion's share of my attention, and my own hesitance to write the giant catching-up entry I'm putting together now has held me back more recently. But mostly I believe it was the sort of diaspora going on in Livejournal in the last two years, the disbanding or simple fading away of a lot of my favorite communities, and the moving on of a lot of people I knew, particular the sudden disappearance of several friends, one new, another I'd known for while, without warning, explanation or any way of continuing communicating through other sites. They basically just ceased to exist. I felt it was kind of pointless getting involved in a community or with others if they were just going to disappear.
However, I feel the urge to reconnect again, and to begin journaling, both publicly and privately again, and so I've returned. I'm glad to see some of you are still here, and hope to be able to catch up with in the near future.
During my absence life has changed enormously. I feel like in the last year especially I've gone from a girl to a woman, and despite how hesitant I have always been about "getting older" (next year I will be twenty-four) I am surprised at how pleased I am to have done so.
Last June I finally moved out of my parents home, and have been renting an apartment for a year now. Apart from removing me from a lot of stress at home (i. e. living with my father) it has given me a sense of pride and accomplishment, and allows me to set my own rules and live as I wish. (It also means my parents don't feel like they can boss me around anymore, since I'm not living under their roof, and that alone is a huge change for the better.)
I (finally) left Jo-Ann Fabrics, and since last July I've been working my first full-time job (and first office job, at last!) at a call center, working accounts receivable for UPS. The job has it's ups and downs, but overwhelmingly it is all positives, especially considering that it's been a year since I wore a uniform, dealt with work-related foot pain, worked weekends (save one Saturday in March and that was only four hours, and overtime pay), did physical labor w/out air conditioning, or left work more than 10 minutes later than scheduled. Having a real job is amazingly wonderful in contrast to what I've done before, and the fact that I spend the day doing a job that I don't hate makes life much better. Another thing making it better is the pay, with which I have been able to pay my bills, save for travel, get contact lenses (hooray!), sew costumes and cosplays that would have been too expensive before, and buy clothes that are actually stylish and flattering. But the best part is that I have finally gotten my foot in the door, and now I have the experience to move into a proper office job.
On a family level, there have been a lot of changes as well. My mother and younger sister have begun attending a Church roughly halfway between their house and mine. My mother just recently got a job at the local library (She was a teacher before she had children, but then quit to educate us at home full time. Now that most of us are out of the house and her schedule is more flexible, she is reentering the business world.), ironically in the position I tried out for at least three times, unsuccessfully. Out of the blue last summer, my brother August announced he was joining the Coast Guard, and after much delay on the CG's part, he finally departed for boot camp in January. He graduated in April (and got a week leave to visit) and is currently stationed aboard ship. He also became engaged last year, about six months after my other brother, Anthony, proposed to his girlfriend, Brittany. (These two currently share the apartment I rent with me.) On the matrimonial side, they're not alone, as it seems like lately everyone I know is getting engaged or married: in the last year half a dozen friends and acquaintances have tied the knot (including one of my cousins), or at least made plans to do so, and dozens more have set their Facebook status to "in a relationship" (some several times). I, of course, lone wolf that I am, remain utterly untouched by the hand of romance, to remain, it would seem, an eternal bachelor. I am of two minds on the whole situation: I can't help but feel lonely at times; If I had real friends of my own, it wouldn't be such an acute solitude, but I have very few people who genuinely want to be with me, or share my interests. Romance would be nice, love would be great, companionship would be awesome, but on the other hand it's a lot of work, and very constricting, and I am enjoying for once being my own woman, under my own power, not needing to alter my lifestyle to suit another, and I would like to revel in it for awhile. However, feeling like people look at my less-than-stellar exterior, and pairing it with my being a woman, instantly view me with scorn or pity as "forever alone"--as though my singleness is the result of no one wanting me, rather than me not wanting anyone-- is hard to deal with.<
Speaking of my exterior, now that I am on my own and actually have two cents to rub together, I've been working hard at eating better. From not knowing how many calories I take in in a day, I now average about 1,500 or under. I haven't seen any change in my weight or appearance (though at least I have stayed roughly the same weight) and that deeply upsets me (especially watching Anthony eat terribly, and having to work to gain weight.) but at least it's healthier, and maybe someday, it will amount to something. I hope to start strength training again soon, as I am hopelessly out of shape, and miss having biceps and being able to go up three sets of stairs at a run and not get winded. But on another side of the appearance issue, I've finally made some progress on my self image, and found a realistic look to work toward. As a curvy, thick-boned woman, my admiration of and wish to be, small, delicate and sylph-like was always ridiculous, but that is what I had always thought was most beautiful (even as a child, when I was too young to understand how impossible it would be.) and I have always wanted to be beautiful. However, I've realized in time that not only is that ideal not something I can accomplish, but that even if I could, there is much less chance of being taken seriously, viewed as someone independent, strong and in control if I look tiny and fragile. At the same time, as I got older, I came to love the elfin-look less, and began to see more beauty in statuesque, fit, womanly-looking women, an ideal much more plausible for me. I don't think I have to describe how finally having a reachable ideal has improved things for me.
As a last example of the changes that swept through my social circle, a current status update on everyone's hair styles: Anthony has grown his hair into a pony tail (he also tried growing a beard [for a cosplay] with little success); August is currently bald, as his ship will not be in port for two months, and barber access will be limited; my little sister got first a bob, and then something between a bob and a pixie; and I've been growing mine out and it currently reaches my waist.
On a final note, after all these changes, I've been looking at my life: I've been independent for a year, working a full time job for a year, and most the surface tension and pain that brought me woe previously has been removed. Life is fairly pleasant: few are the times I am utterly in despair or totally outraged by something that's happened to me. However, I've realized that it lacks something: it lacks meaning, passion, purpose. I get up and go to work because I'm supposed to; I am happy because my superficial pleasures have been satisfied, not because my soul is full.
An analytical child, I've been watching the adults around with wide-open eyes for years; I read history, fiction, biographies and study the lives within them, hoping to learn the lessons they learned without the falls they took and regrets they were left with, and overwhelmingly I've seen people go from young, energetic and full of extraordinary talents and dreams to middle-aged, living in-between like everyone else, with work heavy on their shoulders and every dream and ambition of their youth either attempted and failed, or put away like old furniture. And overwhelmingly I have decided that this will not be me. Something has to be done to prevent this ending, to break out of this pattern before it becomes ingrained in me. I have to take the first step in that thousand-mile journey, as the proverb goes, this year, next year at the latest. Ideas for how to achieve this are already crowding my mind: some are uncomfortable, some are expensive, most involve being away from my family for months to years. I don't know yet which path the take, which to do first, which can be done now, and which would need to be worked up to. I just know that I have to do something to keep myself from being locked into the ordinary and everyday, to push my life into the plains of the extraordinary that I've always yearned for.<
And that's how things stand at the moment
However, I feel the urge to reconnect again, and to begin journaling, both publicly and privately again, and so I've returned. I'm glad to see some of you are still here, and hope to be able to catch up with in the near future.
During my absence life has changed enormously. I feel like in the last year especially I've gone from a girl to a woman, and despite how hesitant I have always been about "getting older" (next year I will be twenty-four) I am surprised at how pleased I am to have done so.
Last June I finally moved out of my parents home, and have been renting an apartment for a year now. Apart from removing me from a lot of stress at home (i. e. living with my father) it has given me a sense of pride and accomplishment, and allows me to set my own rules and live as I wish. (It also means my parents don't feel like they can boss me around anymore, since I'm not living under their roof, and that alone is a huge change for the better.)
I (finally) left Jo-Ann Fabrics, and since last July I've been working my first full-time job (and first office job, at last!) at a call center, working accounts receivable for UPS. The job has it's ups and downs, but overwhelmingly it is all positives, especially considering that it's been a year since I wore a uniform, dealt with work-related foot pain, worked weekends (save one Saturday in March and that was only four hours, and overtime pay), did physical labor w/out air conditioning, or left work more than 10 minutes later than scheduled. Having a real job is amazingly wonderful in contrast to what I've done before, and the fact that I spend the day doing a job that I don't hate makes life much better. Another thing making it better is the pay, with which I have been able to pay my bills, save for travel, get contact lenses (hooray!), sew costumes and cosplays that would have been too expensive before, and buy clothes that are actually stylish and flattering. But the best part is that I have finally gotten my foot in the door, and now I have the experience to move into a proper office job.
On a family level, there have been a lot of changes as well. My mother and younger sister have begun attending a Church roughly halfway between their house and mine. My mother just recently got a job at the local library (She was a teacher before she had children, but then quit to educate us at home full time. Now that most of us are out of the house and her schedule is more flexible, she is reentering the business world.), ironically in the position I tried out for at least three times, unsuccessfully. Out of the blue last summer, my brother August announced he was joining the Coast Guard, and after much delay on the CG's part, he finally departed for boot camp in January. He graduated in April (and got a week leave to visit) and is currently stationed aboard ship. He also became engaged last year, about six months after my other brother, Anthony, proposed to his girlfriend, Brittany. (These two currently share the apartment I rent with me.) On the matrimonial side, they're not alone, as it seems like lately everyone I know is getting engaged or married: in the last year half a dozen friends and acquaintances have tied the knot (including one of my cousins), or at least made plans to do so, and dozens more have set their Facebook status to "in a relationship" (some several times). I, of course, lone wolf that I am, remain utterly untouched by the hand of romance, to remain, it would seem, an eternal bachelor. I am of two minds on the whole situation: I can't help but feel lonely at times; If I had real friends of my own, it wouldn't be such an acute solitude, but I have very few people who genuinely want to be with me, or share my interests. Romance would be nice, love would be great, companionship would be awesome, but on the other hand it's a lot of work, and very constricting, and I am enjoying for once being my own woman, under my own power, not needing to alter my lifestyle to suit another, and I would like to revel in it for awhile. However, feeling like people look at my less-than-stellar exterior, and pairing it with my being a woman, instantly view me with scorn or pity as "forever alone"--as though my singleness is the result of no one wanting me, rather than me not wanting anyone-- is hard to deal with.<
Speaking of my exterior, now that I am on my own and actually have two cents to rub together, I've been working hard at eating better. From not knowing how many calories I take in in a day, I now average about 1,500 or under. I haven't seen any change in my weight or appearance (though at least I have stayed roughly the same weight) and that deeply upsets me (especially watching Anthony eat terribly, and having to work to gain weight.) but at least it's healthier, and maybe someday, it will amount to something. I hope to start strength training again soon, as I am hopelessly out of shape, and miss having biceps and being able to go up three sets of stairs at a run and not get winded. But on another side of the appearance issue, I've finally made some progress on my self image, and found a realistic look to work toward. As a curvy, thick-boned woman, my admiration of and wish to be, small, delicate and sylph-like was always ridiculous, but that is what I had always thought was most beautiful (even as a child, when I was too young to understand how impossible it would be.) and I have always wanted to be beautiful. However, I've realized in time that not only is that ideal not something I can accomplish, but that even if I could, there is much less chance of being taken seriously, viewed as someone independent, strong and in control if I look tiny and fragile. At the same time, as I got older, I came to love the elfin-look less, and began to see more beauty in statuesque, fit, womanly-looking women, an ideal much more plausible for me. I don't think I have to describe how finally having a reachable ideal has improved things for me.
As a last example of the changes that swept through my social circle, a current status update on everyone's hair styles: Anthony has grown his hair into a pony tail (he also tried growing a beard [for a cosplay] with little success); August is currently bald, as his ship will not be in port for two months, and barber access will be limited; my little sister got first a bob, and then something between a bob and a pixie; and I've been growing mine out and it currently reaches my waist.
On a final note, after all these changes, I've been looking at my life: I've been independent for a year, working a full time job for a year, and most the surface tension and pain that brought me woe previously has been removed. Life is fairly pleasant: few are the times I am utterly in despair or totally outraged by something that's happened to me. However, I've realized that it lacks something: it lacks meaning, passion, purpose. I get up and go to work because I'm supposed to; I am happy because my superficial pleasures have been satisfied, not because my soul is full.
An analytical child, I've been watching the adults around with wide-open eyes for years; I read history, fiction, biographies and study the lives within them, hoping to learn the lessons they learned without the falls they took and regrets they were left with, and overwhelmingly I've seen people go from young, energetic and full of extraordinary talents and dreams to middle-aged, living in-between like everyone else, with work heavy on their shoulders and every dream and ambition of their youth either attempted and failed, or put away like old furniture. And overwhelmingly I have decided that this will not be me. Something has to be done to prevent this ending, to break out of this pattern before it becomes ingrained in me. I have to take the first step in that thousand-mile journey, as the proverb goes, this year, next year at the latest. Ideas for how to achieve this are already crowding my mind: some are uncomfortable, some are expensive, most involve being away from my family for months to years. I don't know yet which path the take, which to do first, which can be done now, and which would need to be worked up to. I just know that I have to do something to keep myself from being locked into the ordinary and everyday, to push my life into the plains of the extraordinary that I've always yearned for.<
And that's how things stand at the moment