.. In Silence
We drove in silence. I left the school and participated in a 20 minute car ride full of tension and hushed emotions. I leaned against the car door so as to not get in his way of driving. It was strange not sitting the way I usually do; with my legs crossed, his hand brushing against my left knee as it rested on his gear shifter thing. That's how we used to do it, for 8 months or so.. And it has abruptly stopped because I chose it that way. I usually change his radio station until I find a song that I like; and he never seems to mind. I didnt move towards it. Instead, I moved further towards the car door. He finally raised the volume to his radio and found a hard rock station. We drove in silence.
Reaching the apartment, I took my time getting out of his car so that he could walk ahead of me. He usually stops walking and waits for me to catch up; not this time. We walked in silence. The apartment was dark. Shadows were dancing on the walls cast by the lights seeping through the cracks of the windows. I stood in an awkward stance as he cleaned off the couch and sat at the computer station. His back turned towards me. I channeled surfed for a while, waiting for him to speak up and tell me what he was thinking or tell me how he felt or.. scream at me. I dunno, something. But I didn't get anything. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. Nothing I could say seemed to help any situation so, I walked outside. I sat outside on the stairs - in the cold, with no shoes on. I didn't think, I just sat in a daze. I sat out there for 15 minutes before he walked outside. He opened the door and crossed his arms on his chest.
"What are you doing out here?"
"..nothing"
"okay"
and he walked back inside. I wonder how long it took for him to realize I was no longer on the couch. My eyes began to tear but I blinked them away. "It's 10:25..", I thought as I looked at the time on my phone, ..."we're leaving soon and the most he has said to me consisted of 7 words." And I continued to sit. Alone. Exactly what I was feeling at the time. I could hear the distant opening and closing of car doors. I heard the sounds of the beetles on the floor around me. He walked back out and handed me a mug full of hot chocolate. He knew I wanted some. He walked back in, without saying a word and left the door opened. My eyes began to sting but I wouldnt let them drop. I did everything in my power to not give him another one of my tears. I counted the steps. 16. I counted the railings. 32. I even counted the stains on the concrete.. I only got up to 52 before he interrupted me with an "I gotta take you back to school now".
I put my boots and my pleather jacket back on. Slowly. We moved in silence. We both realized at the same time that the clock was wrong and we still had a few minutes left. .. And then he exploded. He told me that I had broken his heart. That he couldn't believe that I had done this to him. He couldnt believe that I couldn't wait until he left. He called me a sick person. He cried.
I counted 48 tiles on the kitchen floor before he told me to speak up, for I sat there and took the abuse yet again. I shook my head as I slowly became blinded by my tears and told him no. Time speeds up and we're back in the car, almost at my school. It's my turn to explode...
"You were talking about me being sick. You want to know what's sick!? The fact that I spent my entire time trying to make you happy. That I allowed you to say and do and react however you pleased - without speaking up - just to make you feel better about every situation. I allowed you to think that you were always right just to end every fight. You took me for granted. You pushed me away. You pushed me away every single way imaginable. Your excuses of not being able to see me are shit. If you loved me as much as you say you do, you would have taken advantage of EVERY SINGLE CHANCE YOU GOT TO SHOW ME THAT YOU CARED AND THAT I WAS SOMETHING SPECIAL. Instead, you were too busy doing the bullshit you did. You stopped trying because you didn't care as much as you think you did, obviously. I broke your heart? My heart hasnt been whole for almost 10 months. Don't talk to me about being sick. I sacraficed my happiness, my time and effort, and my life to make you happy. Want to know what's sick? The fact that I wanted to do all of it because I cared about you so fucking much. No more. I'm tired of taking care of people without getting any benefit back. Now, I have a chance of being taken care of. I have the chance of being happy and protected. I want the sense of security and comfort that I haven't felt since the beginning of our relationship. It's my turn now."
I was on fire. My breathing was rapid. My nostrils were flaring. We sat in silence. Until..
"Were you always unhappy? I was awful the entire time?", he asked softly. My breathing ceased slightly and I matched his tone.
"No. Not entirely. I chose to do the things that I did for you, because I wanted you to be happy. But I stopped feeling appreciated and you couldnt give me what I needed."
"Maybe now isn't our time, then"
I gave him a weak smile and explained to him that my past was with him, but my present and my future lies somewhere else.
We got out of the car and I awkwardly approached him to give him a hug. People were passing by us to get to their class and shooting us peculiar glances. We hugged in silence. His grip began to tighten, and I have to admit that mine did too. I whispered in his ear that I would always think of him as a special person in my life and I felt a tear fall onto my shoulder.
"Don't tell me that."
".. I have to. I cant walk away without you knowing."
I was the one who broke the hug. I shot him a comforting smile and told him to make something of his life. To prove to everyone that I had always been right about him. I told him that I still believed in him and I knew that if he really wanted to change his life around that I knew that he would. And I walked away.
I walked away in silence.. As one tiny tear fell from my eye.
****
I sit now. And I feel my emotions overflowing. After having my heart shat on and my feelings completely overlooked by everyone close to me.. Here comes a six foot five ray of light. It's an incredible feeling to know that there is someone next to me. To help me. To protect me and appreciate me and give me all the attention that I could ever need. He comforts me. He appreciates everything I do. He handles me with care.
He has been able to show me that there are good people around. He has shown me that I do have value.
It feels good to breathe the air of comfort.
It feels good to sit in silence and feel safe.
Reaching the apartment, I took my time getting out of his car so that he could walk ahead of me. He usually stops walking and waits for me to catch up; not this time. We walked in silence. The apartment was dark. Shadows were dancing on the walls cast by the lights seeping through the cracks of the windows. I stood in an awkward stance as he cleaned off the couch and sat at the computer station. His back turned towards me. I channeled surfed for a while, waiting for him to speak up and tell me what he was thinking or tell me how he felt or.. scream at me. I dunno, something. But I didn't get anything. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what. Nothing I could say seemed to help any situation so, I walked outside. I sat outside on the stairs - in the cold, with no shoes on. I didn't think, I just sat in a daze. I sat out there for 15 minutes before he walked outside. He opened the door and crossed his arms on his chest.
"What are you doing out here?"
"..nothing"
"okay"
and he walked back inside. I wonder how long it took for him to realize I was no longer on the couch. My eyes began to tear but I blinked them away. "It's 10:25..", I thought as I looked at the time on my phone, ..."we're leaving soon and the most he has said to me consisted of 7 words." And I continued to sit. Alone. Exactly what I was feeling at the time. I could hear the distant opening and closing of car doors. I heard the sounds of the beetles on the floor around me. He walked back out and handed me a mug full of hot chocolate. He knew I wanted some. He walked back in, without saying a word and left the door opened. My eyes began to sting but I wouldnt let them drop. I did everything in my power to not give him another one of my tears. I counted the steps. 16. I counted the railings. 32. I even counted the stains on the concrete.. I only got up to 52 before he interrupted me with an "I gotta take you back to school now".
I put my boots and my pleather jacket back on. Slowly. We moved in silence. We both realized at the same time that the clock was wrong and we still had a few minutes left. .. And then he exploded. He told me that I had broken his heart. That he couldn't believe that I had done this to him. He couldnt believe that I couldn't wait until he left. He called me a sick person. He cried.
I counted 48 tiles on the kitchen floor before he told me to speak up, for I sat there and took the abuse yet again. I shook my head as I slowly became blinded by my tears and told him no. Time speeds up and we're back in the car, almost at my school. It's my turn to explode...
"You were talking about me being sick. You want to know what's sick!? The fact that I spent my entire time trying to make you happy. That I allowed you to say and do and react however you pleased - without speaking up - just to make you feel better about every situation. I allowed you to think that you were always right just to end every fight. You took me for granted. You pushed me away. You pushed me away every single way imaginable. Your excuses of not being able to see me are shit. If you loved me as much as you say you do, you would have taken advantage of EVERY SINGLE CHANCE YOU GOT TO SHOW ME THAT YOU CARED AND THAT I WAS SOMETHING SPECIAL. Instead, you were too busy doing the bullshit you did. You stopped trying because you didn't care as much as you think you did, obviously. I broke your heart? My heart hasnt been whole for almost 10 months. Don't talk to me about being sick. I sacraficed my happiness, my time and effort, and my life to make you happy. Want to know what's sick? The fact that I wanted to do all of it because I cared about you so fucking much. No more. I'm tired of taking care of people without getting any benefit back. Now, I have a chance of being taken care of. I have the chance of being happy and protected. I want the sense of security and comfort that I haven't felt since the beginning of our relationship. It's my turn now."
I was on fire. My breathing was rapid. My nostrils were flaring. We sat in silence. Until..
"Were you always unhappy? I was awful the entire time?", he asked softly. My breathing ceased slightly and I matched his tone.
"No. Not entirely. I chose to do the things that I did for you, because I wanted you to be happy. But I stopped feeling appreciated and you couldnt give me what I needed."
"Maybe now isn't our time, then"
I gave him a weak smile and explained to him that my past was with him, but my present and my future lies somewhere else.
We got out of the car and I awkwardly approached him to give him a hug. People were passing by us to get to their class and shooting us peculiar glances. We hugged in silence. His grip began to tighten, and I have to admit that mine did too. I whispered in his ear that I would always think of him as a special person in my life and I felt a tear fall onto my shoulder.
"Don't tell me that."
".. I have to. I cant walk away without you knowing."
I was the one who broke the hug. I shot him a comforting smile and told him to make something of his life. To prove to everyone that I had always been right about him. I told him that I still believed in him and I knew that if he really wanted to change his life around that I knew that he would. And I walked away.
I walked away in silence.. As one tiny tear fell from my eye.
****
I sit now. And I feel my emotions overflowing. After having my heart shat on and my feelings completely overlooked by everyone close to me.. Here comes a six foot five ray of light. It's an incredible feeling to know that there is someone next to me. To help me. To protect me and appreciate me and give me all the attention that I could ever need. He comforts me. He appreciates everything I do. He handles me with care.
He has been able to show me that there are good people around. He has shown me that I do have value.
It feels good to breathe the air of comfort.
It feels good to sit in silence and feel safe.