Growing Pains
I decided to take the Peace Smart Relationship class as part of exploring the Restorative Justice Program CLI offers. I had no idea how much growth and introspection I would find in this class. I am truly enjoying the insight and perspective it is giving me. However, not all growth, insight and perspective comes free of growing pains.
One of the lessons the class had early in was called “ The Firetrap of Offense”.
The root of the Greek New Testament word σκάνδαλον (skandalon), that is translated: "offense,” "to sin,” "stumbling block”, etc., refers to the movable stick or trigger of a trap, or a trap stick; the place on a trap where the bait is placed. When we take offense, it is as if we take the bait on a trap, thereby igniting a fire of conflict that confines us in a firetrap with limited means of escape. Jesus used hyperbole to emphasize the importance of staying free from the trap of offense.
Matthew 18:8-9 New International Version (NIV)
If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
Today I found myself in the trap of offense. I was offended. I was hurt. I was me-minded. When I find myself in this trap I have to figure out how I want to handle it. I have to ask myself if I am going to justify my feelings of being offended because I have a right to be offended or am I going to allow the Holy Spirit to help lead me out of the trap.
Today, I started with being offended and telling myself that I had the right to feel that way. I even stated to Zach, “ I thought we had resolved this.” Meaning that he had agreed to not act in a way that would imply that I am an incompetent instructor.
What does it look like to get out of the firetrap of offense? What did Christ mean by “Cutting off” the offending source? Do I cut off the person or the source that offends me? Did he literally mean to cut off my own hand? I think the answer to these can vary depending on the situation.
I had to stop and look at why I was offended. What are the desires or heart issues that caused me to get caught in that trap? The fact is I secretly feel like I am incompetent and Zach deserves so much better of an instructor than I can ever be. I am critical of myself on every point. I could be better if I would be willing to do the work, but at some level I have settled for good enough. I want him to see me as competent. I want him to give me the respect I feel I deserve and have earned from him, because I do work hard for him and have sacrificed a great deal in order to train him and ask very little, for me, in return. Nobody likes to feel incompetent or disrespected or taken advantage of. These are the heart issues that led to my accepting the bait and getting caught in the trap of offense.
Zach did not force me to be offended. Nobody can force that. It was a choice that I made; not a conscious one, but a choice nonetheless. Every time I find myself offended I need to stop and understand one thing. It means that God is working in my life and he is exposing something. The fact is, opportunities exist in conflict and offense. I must learn to accept and seek out that dynamic, Gods purpose. He exposes things in us to help us and refine us, to be more like Him. He will help us out of the trap of offense and hurt when we seek his purpose in the conflict rather than our own desires.
Today God exposed my own insecurities about competency. He exposed my acceptance of “ Good enough” and my willingness to “settle”. He helped me to understand that there is an area of my life ( all related to my physical well being) where I am not doing everything as unto Him. I have been accepting my own feelings of incompetence yet not doing what I can to feel competent. I have been stuck in the first stages of a problem for a long time. In order to fix a problem you must first acknowledge it. What good is acknowledgment without action?
God also used this conflict to demonstrate to me how much growth and maturity my Zach has had beneath my tutelage. He demonstrated to me that I am not incompetent and He knew what he was doing when he placed Zach in my life.
As I was trapped in my offense and hurt I did go to the altar of God and seek his purpose. He revealed that purpose to me and changed my priorities. I no longer wanted to be right and wanted Zach to admit he was wrong. It was no longer about that. It was about understanding why Zach lost his way and seeing how much growth he had finding his way back to the path. It was about bettering myself and giving my weakness and vulnerabilities to God and committing to doing all things as unto the Lord. God helped me find an area in my life that I need to work on in that commitment to Him. In seeking His purpose, He reminded me of my priorities.
I know I cannot learn and grow in Gods desires for me of my own power. If I try to walk in my own power and strength I will fail. In relying on Gods power and strength he opened my eyes to possibilities I was unable to see before. In my hurt all I could see is that I am incompetent and not good enough and Zach should find someone more competent to teach him. How counterproductive is that? God showed me the flaws in that thinking and opened my eyes to many possibilities.
In seeking Gods purpose, and asking for his power, I found his presence and in that I found peace and a whole new perspective.
Conflict really is full of opportunities and God can use them to refine me and make me more in Him image drawing me more near to Him. Growing pains.....