(no subject)
I cried all the way to school today. My car is my personal haven. Nothing can touch me when I'm inside it. I don't care about other drivers seeing the tears running down my face.
I'm very frustrated with many aspects of my life right now. Let's go:
!) Body and Health
---Nothing is really wrong here, but it could be better. And I'm so lazy. I could pick myself up off my ass at night and to to the gym. I could stop drinking cokes, stop eating candy, stop eating shitty foods, so eating SO MUCH at one time, all the time. Drink a ton more water each day. Both the working out and a better diet would probably help my face look better, and I wouldn't have to keep being on damn pills all the time. I have the opportunity to change these things, and I don't DO anything about it. I tell myself I'm going to, and I fucking don't.
@) School
---Again, I'm a lazy motherfucker. I don't know what my grades are currently, and I don't think they're that bad, overall. But I'm certainly screwing myself in Calculus. I need to just suck it up, and sit down, and work on it. I need to just do the homework even though it pains me to spend hours on it. I need to at least make good grades to balance out the fact that I'll have no social life because of the hours of work I'm already putting into it. I don't want to just pass through college. I need to really try to find what I want to do and what I want to focus on. Also, I like this school, but friends are coming slowly - and yes, I know that that is partly my fault - and the distance is tiresome, especially if I have to do things outside of class. Its been suggested that I go somewhere closer and cheaper. Does no one else get why I have to continue here? I left school and came back, despite worries that I'd never return to school. If I went somewhere else it would be like I was taking an easy way out to finish school. I proved them wrong. Not only that, but this is a good school. I'm not saying that a cheaper place wouldn't be just as good, but theres this mentality my parents have instilled in me that with schools especially, you get what you pay for. Degree from a good school equals better jobs.
#) Money
---I have none. Anything I make from babysitting quickly gets eaten up by gas to drive the hour to and from school everyday. I owe my mother a ton of money. I lost track of how much. Several thousand dollars. And I'm still owed money from the ex-roommates. Which, despite their assurances, I've been thinking for a while now will never come. Thats also thousands of dollars. That I ulitmately spent on them. I've been late on a few bills recently. But really, my mom is paying nearly all of them. The next time I go get my oil changed, which is sooner than usual because I'm driving so much lately, I'll have to get my drain pan replaced which will be a couple hundred dollars. My credit card is pretty much maxxed out, so I can't put it on there. Which means it will be one of the first things I pay for with my first paycheck, leading into the next issue....
$) Work
---I go in this afternoon to container store to do paperwork then go take a drug test. I don't know when I will start, possibly next week. This is not so much a big deal anymore since I'm much closer to starting, I was simply under the impression when I talked to them in the beginning of October, that I'd be working there much sooner. I need money badly. I'll also not be getting in the maximum amount of time because of my JanTerm where I'm going to the Gulf Coast. Thats a few weeks off right there. I'm getting 20 hours a week. Which is really all I can handle with full-time school and homework. That includes a 10 hour shift on Saturdays. Which, in addition to being horrible in itself, means that I will pretty much never get to go to Tyler on the weekends, leading into the last problem....
%) Relationship
---This is nothing new, and not really a specific problem. Well, I guess it is, but its not anything either myself or Paul is doing. I just don't like the long distance. And despite efforts to make myself be content with the NOW and the situation as is - because, at this point, it cannot be changed - I simply cannot force myself to be happy with it. I don't WANT to be happy with a long distance relationship. I cannot be happy with only seeing someone I love maybe twice a month. The phone is a helpful tool, but it is not a replacement for closeness, for touch, for nearness, for gazing. All of this is very confusing, because I do not want to make either one of us to have to move when it is not feasible to do so. Paul is working full-time and needs the money, and is going to stay until the lease is up. I'm going to school full-time in Sherman. For the next three damn years. It is hard to be content with the fact that I will never get to see him more than only a few times a month. Again, its not like this is something newly imposed; its been like this since we started dating. Maybe thats why its getting to me more and more lately. I'm not happy with it, and I can't see a way to fix it, and I don't want to be a nuisance and bring it up YET AGAIN when I know we won't come to a conclusion about it.
I'm entitled to a bitch post every once in a while.
Fuck. Its my journal. I'm entitled to a bitch post whenever I want.
I'm very frustrated with many aspects of my life right now. Let's go:
!) Body and Health
---Nothing is really wrong here, but it could be better. And I'm so lazy. I could pick myself up off my ass at night and to to the gym. I could stop drinking cokes, stop eating candy, stop eating shitty foods, so eating SO MUCH at one time, all the time. Drink a ton more water each day. Both the working out and a better diet would probably help my face look better, and I wouldn't have to keep being on damn pills all the time. I have the opportunity to change these things, and I don't DO anything about it. I tell myself I'm going to, and I fucking don't.
@) School
---Again, I'm a lazy motherfucker. I don't know what my grades are currently, and I don't think they're that bad, overall. But I'm certainly screwing myself in Calculus. I need to just suck it up, and sit down, and work on it. I need to just do the homework even though it pains me to spend hours on it. I need to at least make good grades to balance out the fact that I'll have no social life because of the hours of work I'm already putting into it. I don't want to just pass through college. I need to really try to find what I want to do and what I want to focus on. Also, I like this school, but friends are coming slowly - and yes, I know that that is partly my fault - and the distance is tiresome, especially if I have to do things outside of class. Its been suggested that I go somewhere closer and cheaper. Does no one else get why I have to continue here? I left school and came back, despite worries that I'd never return to school. If I went somewhere else it would be like I was taking an easy way out to finish school. I proved them wrong. Not only that, but this is a good school. I'm not saying that a cheaper place wouldn't be just as good, but theres this mentality my parents have instilled in me that with schools especially, you get what you pay for. Degree from a good school equals better jobs.
#) Money
---I have none. Anything I make from babysitting quickly gets eaten up by gas to drive the hour to and from school everyday. I owe my mother a ton of money. I lost track of how much. Several thousand dollars. And I'm still owed money from the ex-roommates. Which, despite their assurances, I've been thinking for a while now will never come. Thats also thousands of dollars. That I ulitmately spent on them. I've been late on a few bills recently. But really, my mom is paying nearly all of them. The next time I go get my oil changed, which is sooner than usual because I'm driving so much lately, I'll have to get my drain pan replaced which will be a couple hundred dollars. My credit card is pretty much maxxed out, so I can't put it on there. Which means it will be one of the first things I pay for with my first paycheck, leading into the next issue....
$) Work
---I go in this afternoon to container store to do paperwork then go take a drug test. I don't know when I will start, possibly next week. This is not so much a big deal anymore since I'm much closer to starting, I was simply under the impression when I talked to them in the beginning of October, that I'd be working there much sooner. I need money badly. I'll also not be getting in the maximum amount of time because of my JanTerm where I'm going to the Gulf Coast. Thats a few weeks off right there. I'm getting 20 hours a week. Which is really all I can handle with full-time school and homework. That includes a 10 hour shift on Saturdays. Which, in addition to being horrible in itself, means that I will pretty much never get to go to Tyler on the weekends, leading into the last problem....
%) Relationship
---This is nothing new, and not really a specific problem. Well, I guess it is, but its not anything either myself or Paul is doing. I just don't like the long distance. And despite efforts to make myself be content with the NOW and the situation as is - because, at this point, it cannot be changed - I simply cannot force myself to be happy with it. I don't WANT to be happy with a long distance relationship. I cannot be happy with only seeing someone I love maybe twice a month. The phone is a helpful tool, but it is not a replacement for closeness, for touch, for nearness, for gazing. All of this is very confusing, because I do not want to make either one of us to have to move when it is not feasible to do so. Paul is working full-time and needs the money, and is going to stay until the lease is up. I'm going to school full-time in Sherman. For the next three damn years. It is hard to be content with the fact that I will never get to see him more than only a few times a month. Again, its not like this is something newly imposed; its been like this since we started dating. Maybe thats why its getting to me more and more lately. I'm not happy with it, and I can't see a way to fix it, and I don't want to be a nuisance and bring it up YET AGAIN when I know we won't come to a conclusion about it.
I'm entitled to a bitch post every once in a while.
Fuck. Its my journal. I'm entitled to a bitch post whenever I want.