(no subject)
this is so, so weird.
i don't know what's wrong with me and why i attract the boys i do, but all month kevin keeps making weird sexual innuendos to me and i don't know if he's joking or not but he's seventeen and he just seems to be completely convinced that i want him or, if i don't, that he can convince me that i do. and he's a great kid, don't get me wrong, but he's seventeen years old and he's just so, so seventeen, if that makes sense.
next, josh comes out of the woodwork and all he wants to talk about is how we used to hook up and what would happen if we ever saw each other again what would happen and how i could go see him in texas and blah, blah, blah...and it's just so uncomfortable because on one hand it's really satisfying: four years ago i would've given anything for this but now i finally got over it and he apparently realized what he missed out on and i get to know that i was the bigger person in the end. on the other hand, though, it's almost kind of pathetic. i got over him--it took FOREVER, don't worry, i'm aware--but i did, and i never even really thought about it, i just did and it was fine and i realized it after the fact, i guess. and for some reason he came back to it so long after the fact and i just can't help but feel like maybe, maybe if i was still so into him it'd be understandable because i'm still in college and i feel like that's kind of an extension of high school in some ways, but once you graduate you just have to let these things go, it seems to me. i don't know. maybe that's stupid but it's how i feel.
and now kramer is IMing me and he wants to come visit tomorrow and i sit here and tell myself to stop thinking so much about how it's going to be sexual tension and weirdness, but then i realize that i'm not just full of it because he starts talking about how we kissed right before he left uri this year, and the thing is, kramer and i have kissed a few times but it's always been kind of me finally giving up and just letting him do it--would like to clarify here that that's not me being full of myself, it wouldn't matter who he was next to on nights like that, he just needs a warm body, basically--and this was the first time i ever did it first. what you have to understand is, it was nothing, a peck on the lips, and it wasn't supposed to mean anything, i would've done that to sean, david, i did do it to quinton, it's just kind of...some people are people you hug goodbye and some people you kiss on the cheek and some people you kiss. whatever. it was probably stupid, but he won't let it go right now, and i don't know how to say "kramer, it was nothing, it meant nothing, i don't want your butt and you need to leave it alone" in a nice way. because he's such a good friend and i really do love him...but my GOD not like that and he really, just really needs to leave it alone.
*sigh* i just wish kurt would come back. i hate this.
--s*
next, josh comes out of the woodwork and all he wants to talk about is how we used to hook up and what would happen if we ever saw each other again what would happen and how i could go see him in texas and blah, blah, blah...and it's just so uncomfortable because on one hand it's really satisfying: four years ago i would've given anything for this but now i finally got over it and he apparently realized what he missed out on and i get to know that i was the bigger person in the end. on the other hand, though, it's almost kind of pathetic. i got over him--it took FOREVER, don't worry, i'm aware--but i did, and i never even really thought about it, i just did and it was fine and i realized it after the fact, i guess. and for some reason he came back to it so long after the fact and i just can't help but feel like maybe, maybe if i was still so into him it'd be understandable because i'm still in college and i feel like that's kind of an extension of high school in some ways, but once you graduate you just have to let these things go, it seems to me. i don't know. maybe that's stupid but it's how i feel.
and now kramer is IMing me and he wants to come visit tomorrow and i sit here and tell myself to stop thinking so much about how it's going to be sexual tension and weirdness, but then i realize that i'm not just full of it because he starts talking about how we kissed right before he left uri this year, and the thing is, kramer and i have kissed a few times but it's always been kind of me finally giving up and just letting him do it--would like to clarify here that that's not me being full of myself, it wouldn't matter who he was next to on nights like that, he just needs a warm body, basically--and this was the first time i ever did it first. what you have to understand is, it was nothing, a peck on the lips, and it wasn't supposed to mean anything, i would've done that to sean, david, i did do it to quinton, it's just kind of...some people are people you hug goodbye and some people you kiss on the cheek and some people you kiss. whatever. it was probably stupid, but he won't let it go right now, and i don't know how to say "kramer, it was nothing, it meant nothing, i don't want your butt and you need to leave it alone" in a nice way. because he's such a good friend and i really do love him...but my GOD not like that and he really, just really needs to leave it alone.
*sigh* i just wish kurt would come back. i hate this.
--s*