gravity.
I'm a huge walking idenitity crisis. {Is there a family out there that's missing me?}. I'm missing such a huge part of my life, and I'll never get it, I'll never find it.
Part of me still cringes when I look into the mirror. Do my eyes look like someone's I'll never meet? Where do I come from? Who's temper (or lack of a temper) do I have? Who do I look like?
This really fucking sucks. Anytime I bring this up to anyone, they complain about why I'm so stuck on it. I just am. I've been asked so many questions about my background, and I still am only a daily basis (literally), I've asked my mom so many times throughout my whole life, and finally I've come to the realization that there simply is no answer.
The only thing I can say runs through my veins is Detroit. It's probably the only place I ever recognized as "home".
The only thing I inherited from my mom was her political rage, and her ability to write - which I am thankful for. I'm good without having her alcoholism or manipulative personality.
I don't really think I'll ever drink again. I'm seeing it really as the pathetic mess I always saw it as, again. I just can't stand it. No, I will never judge anyone who drinks, until it effects someone else negatively - even for a second. Vegan people here always say that drinking is okay because it doesn't hurt anyone else but the person drinking, but that is bullshit, and I know that firsthand.
I'll live with the effects of someone elses drinking problem for the rest of my life, don't tell me it doesn't matter. It does fucking matter, it matters every single second, and it never ends. I NEVER want to be that person, ever - and if any of my friends become that person, you better believe I'll fucking kill them before they hurt themselves or others. There are a couple of things in this life that make me outraged: Animal abuse, drugs and drinking, politics, and discrimination.
Actually, constant negativity, apathy and neutrality piss me off too.
Everyone needs to take a side, right now. There's not enough time in the world to be apathetic.
Please, realize that your life means absolutely nothing if you don't dedicate it to helping others.
I don't know how it happened, but somehow in the middle of all of the fights between my parents, the calls to 911, the pictures of bruises and nights up late after his death argueing, my mom instilled in me the idea of helping others, and she did it pretty much starting the moment I was born.
I want to spend my life speaking up for those who live in misery, hoping that out there somewhere someone knows what they're going through, and will someday make it better. I used to be a little girl hoping with everything inside of me that there was some angel or person out there that would save me, but there was no one. I don't want it to be that way for anyone else, ever - human, or animal.
I think I'm going to start volunteering with kids with alcoholic parents, or kids from abusive homes. I want to show them that it's okay, and that you don't have to be a product of your environment, you just have to find that little spark inside of you and always remember that it's there.
My life is coming together now because of my belief in that spark. I want to help others find hope. Unlike animals, kids are given a chance to survive - but sometimes it can be so hard to even realize that the idea of survival exists somewhere out there when you're so deeply trapped.
I want to do more. I can never do enough.