Day One.
So I'm going to start writing in this more because it's the most private thing I have now.
First entry of this new journalistic venture:
My mom told me today that she has a doctors appointment tomorrow morning because they think she has breast cancer. She says she's known about this for a while when she found the lump, but didn't tell me.
I don't know what's more disturbing - the fact that she didn't tell me or the fact that part of me thinks it's bullshit to make me feel sorry for her and come home.
What if she does have it? What then? Will it just be added to the list of other things she has? Will this actually be the thing that kills her? How did she get it, does that mean I'll get it? How am I supposed to feel about this?
Am I capable of being worried about her anymore?
Other thoughts are:
Oh my god, I can't go through another funeral.
I can hardly remember the last one because it was SO overwhelmingly horrifying.
This time, It'll be all on me.
How will I handle it?
What would life be like without her?
I imagine it being the most disappointing day of my life - knowing that I've finally lost the battle with her.
I would miss her so much. Some days, she's perfect. I would miss her because she might be the only person that can fix certain things within me.
Or maybe I can always fix them myself and I just wish she would instead?
Tomorrow..
First entry of this new journalistic venture:
My mom told me today that she has a doctors appointment tomorrow morning because they think she has breast cancer. She says she's known about this for a while when she found the lump, but didn't tell me.
I don't know what's more disturbing - the fact that she didn't tell me or the fact that part of me thinks it's bullshit to make me feel sorry for her and come home.
What if she does have it? What then? Will it just be added to the list of other things she has? Will this actually be the thing that kills her? How did she get it, does that mean I'll get it? How am I supposed to feel about this?
Am I capable of being worried about her anymore?
Other thoughts are:
Oh my god, I can't go through another funeral.
I can hardly remember the last one because it was SO overwhelmingly horrifying.
This time, It'll be all on me.
How will I handle it?
What would life be like without her?
I imagine it being the most disappointing day of my life - knowing that I've finally lost the battle with her.
I would miss her so much. Some days, she's perfect. I would miss her because she might be the only person that can fix certain things within me.
Or maybe I can always fix them myself and I just wish she would instead?
Tomorrow..