:(
In a bid to stop myself scratching myself raw and/or crying all night, I thought I'd open up LJ.
It's normal at the moment for me to have a wee sob to myself at night. My brain is in overdrive, and sometimes crying is the only way to tire myself enough that I fall asleep. I say sometimes, because there are times, like tonight, where my brain is so wired that I need to let things out. It keeps crying all night, and I get so frustrated that I end up scratching myself. Arms, legs, neck, stomach, anywhere. The stinging and bleeding services as a good distraction.
When I worked, I started to get really bad social anxiety. Where I would make any efforts not to confront people. This got me into bother at my old work, where as well as not doing my job, it stopped me getting help. Everyone was too busy for me, so I'd make my excuses. Before I left them, I was called a 'liability' by my manager. A word, which has installed itself in my brain, along with reactions from people that I was 'selfish' and 'stupid' and the list goes on. These insults almost become ammunition when I go to bed, as if I am reasoning why I didn't do something, or acted a particular way. Which makes me upset, and I cry, and get frustrated over crying for nothing, and demean myself, and cry again. You can maybe see why I struggle to sleep sometimes.
Today was bad, because I was avoiding things that I shouldn't. I needed to go buy a frozen pizza for my tea. Now there is 2 supermarkets in my town, that have nice pizza. But I didn't have the right money, so I panicked about the right change, and the shop being busy cause it was a weekend, so people would get frustrated at me. When I say 'panic' my heart beats faster, I start breathing quicker and i get a bit shaky. These two supermarkets are maybe a 10 minute walk from my house. My resolution, was to walk an hour and a half to the next town over, to Asda because I would be 'ready'. I don't know what 'ready' is. I was thinking that because I was not happy going direct to the shop, the longer walk was like a run up. I don't know, I'm trying to make sense of it, but I can't. Which is why I don't tell anyone because it sounds crazy, although I try to make some sense out of it.
It's not the 'event' itself that really effects me. It's the thinking I do at night, where I actually realise what I do during the day (as well as failures like not tidying). It's all so stupid, I am 29, I should be able to use my local shop if I had to. It's not even like anything bad has happened. I just 'jump the gun'. But all those insults about me being childish, stupid, etc, make me upset. Because I shouldn't do this, particularly at my age. But part of me knows age and stuff is nothing to do with it. It's like a battle going on in my head. The logical side is speaking normally, but there is another side which is like shouting as loud as it can, and the logical side can't be heard properly.
I have been trying to deal. I think too much when I am alone. So I have been reading downstairs when my mum is watching tv. I've been watching tv shows. Playing computer games. Just doing things that try and keep my mind busy. Just writing things down helps because my mind is busy trying to structure things. And writing stuff down is expressing the shit in my head, which can quieten everything down so I can at least get some sleep. If it fails, I'll put the telly on and see if that works, cause having one screen on in the dark can sometimes make me tired, and the program occupies my mind.